...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

So it's night time at Camp Spartacus, and what's that coming over the hill? HOLY SHIT IT'S SOME ROMAN DUDES! Except, oh wait, it's Spartacus, Gannicus and Crixus playing a really misjudged prank on their guys. So Spartacus nearly gets set on fire, and he's like, "fuck it if you can't take a joke, extra training and no sleeps for everyone!"

Meanwhile, creepy roman Haldir is hitting on Seppia, and Seppia.is like, "man my brother was like fifty times hotter than you, fml i should have just stayed home and borne his flipper kids," and suddenly the doors slam open and Poodle busts in like "fe fi fo foc, here comes Illithia to block your cock!" and Seppia is like, "outta here, suckas!"

So then all the slave dudes are rowing about whose fault it is they suck so bad, and Crixus is like "rarrarrarr!" and Agron is like "sorry, i dont speak little bitch, what was that?" and Gannicus is still trying to make it up with Onemaius, but Onemaius still wants fuck all to do with him, so thats sad.

Then Spartacus and Mira are having the traditional awkward post-breakup post-mortem, and I was all ready to be like, "fuck you Spartacus!" but man, Spartacus 2 really sells the idea that, basically, this dude totally wants to be able to give Mira what he needs, and move on and be happy with another woman, but is just utterly incapable of getting past his wife's death, and I was completely like, "aww, poor mira!" but now im equally like, "aww, poor spartacus!" so good job, I guess?

Ugh, then creepy Haldir and Poodle are discussing their relationship woes, like anybody gives a fuck, and blahlahblah more roman drama that nobody cares about.

So Spartacus has Agron go to the liquor store for him, because his squabbling brat army has driven him to drink, and Agron comes back with an entire CARTLOAD of booze, and Crixus is like, "spartacus! spartacus! agron is totally disobeying orders again oh my god!" like, shut UP crixus, but i cant really stay mad because his hair is RIDICULOUSLY lovely in this episode - its like a baby duck and a labrador are living on his head.

uhhh, anyway... so basically Spartacus has his dudes pair up with another dude who they are sour with to fight another pair of dudes. And it's great, and the watching dudes are just chucking wine over the fighting dudes, and Gannicus is leaning, which he does really well because he is, after all, the spawn of Jared Leto and man, I am in love with ALL of these dudes right now.

oh, then that dude, the blond roman one that poodle was trying to marry, he turns up, and he's like "go back to rome creepy haldir, everyone thinks you suck."

okay, back to Fight Club: Spartacus Edition. Mira and Saxa have post-victory smoochies, and Spartacus is like, "damn she moved on fast, but on the other hand, thats in my spank-bank forever now!"

Actually that may just have been my reaction, whatevs, because the next team of sours to throw down is Crixus and Agron versus Gannicus and Onemaius, and its brilliant.

So Spartacus is all like, "YO GANNICUS YOU'RE UP!" and Gannicus is like, "whu? i didnt hear you because i was literally face down in boobies," and at this point I realise that Gannicus's voice isnt either a speech impediment or a bizarre regional variation on the Aussie accent - its slurred because he's constantly plastered.

And Gannicus kind of wobbles into the fighting ring and passes his wine jug to some randomer and is like, "hold this, you fuck, but do not drink it!"

And Onemaius is still pretty sour with him, but obviously the two of them completely SPANK crixus and agron, but the best bit of this whole beautiful scene is where Gannicus pounds crixus into the dirt, stands up, grabs the wine, has a drink, and then goes back and beats him up some more. Like, literally, if he had whipped his cock out and slapped crixus in the face with it, that could not have been a more hilarious example of emasculation.

Then in the end Agron and Crixus are bros again, and they're like "yay we did awesome!" even though, you know, not really, and they go off to drink and pretend they didnt just get their asses handed to them, and there is YET MORE LOVELINESS because nasir and naevia trail after them with their arms around each other, like, i totally want fic that is just nasir and naevia hanging out and being awesome together.

then seppia tries to kill ugly haldir, but then poodle shows up and stabs her, then there's creepy bloodsoaked haldir/poodlesex, like, ugh, is there a need?!

But its okay because OH MY GOD beautiful Naevia and Crixus sex, then beautiful Gannicus drunkenly stumbling (because if you recall, he is also the child of Colin Farrell) but aww man, here come the romans to ruin everyones fun.

so everyone is in the woods and theres fighting and a roman dude runs up like "good news, spartacus and his dudes are in retreat!" and BAM, here come spartacus and gannicus, jumping off shit and stabbing bitches like its cool, and the other roman dudes are like "wtf that is the exact opposite of retreat, who taught you english?!" or latin or whatever the fuck they speak.

so roman bitches are in the temple, and theres an awesome bit where crixus basically goes "RRRAAAAAARRRRRR!" for about thirty seconds, not fighting or anything, just saying "RAR!" and then gannicus and spartacus just pimp-strut in with the blond roman guy as their captive, like you can tell Gannicus has Eye of the Tiger playing in his head, and the rebels are like SWEET, VICTORY!

but no, because creepy haldir is a fucking cheater, so he's just hanging in the woods like an absolute pussy, and when all the dudes are inside he's like, "BLAM! FIREBALLS!" and even then he sucks because he kills like one rebel and TONNES of romans.

so the walls around the temple collapse and creepy haldir, ashur and the ashurettes bust in, and one of the ashurettes stabs Onemaius through the hand, into his fucking eye!

so Gannicus is like, "its fuck this noise oclock, guys!" and he grabs Onemaius and they just haul ass out of there along with the rest of the rebels, and Agron, Crixus and Spartacus stay behind to set shit on fire and glower dramatically at Haldir and his minions, I guess because none of them got to help set the arena on fire and they dont want to feel left out?

and now all the rebels are on a mountain and Haldir is laughing at them because they have no food, so thats a nice dramatic setting for the season finale which is what is happening in the next episode.

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So basically, this is my problem with Seven Pyschopaths - Colin Farrel's best friend is played by the dead rubbish evil dude from Iron Man 2 (not Mickey Rourke, the idiot who thinks his dumb robots are better than blinged-out cheerleaders, because fuck off!) and they keep touching and I'm all like, WHAT THE FUCK COLIN FARREL, PUNCH THAT MESS IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW, because that dude wasn't even worthy of being Tony Stark's best friend, and Tony Stark is basically haggard, American Colin Farrell, so OBVIOUSLY he is not worthy to gaze upon the TRUE Colin Farrell, but Colin Farrell isn't having his unicorns kill this dude or anything, and it's just very confusing.

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I am watching SWAT, which is basically the saddest and most tragic love story of how Colin Farrell and Hawkeye were in beautiful love and then it all became horrible and sad.

So what happens is, Hawkeye and Colin Farrell are police dudes in LA and they are totally awesome and everyone loves them, but then this mean dude who is totally jealous sentanced them to ten thousand years in a dungeon cleaning boots, and Hawkeye was like, fuck this, let's ride into space on our unicorns and be all evil and wear a variety of criminal hats and generally fuck shit up! And Colin Farrell's like, no, it's not space's fault that this mean dude is making us do ten thousand years dungeon, let's stay and protect LA!

Then Hawkeye gets all.mad and is like, you have betrayed our love, Colin Farrell, and I hate you forever! and he throws Colin Farrell across the locker room and flies away into space alone, and Colin Farrell has to do dungeon by himself and he's all broken-hearted and crying inside and lives on the beach with his unicorn, who has turned into a dog because Colin Farrell's broken heart has sucked all the magic away.

Anyway, then Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson comes along and he's like, I know your heart is all broken and shit, but LA still needs protecting and you have to inspire these other police dudes because reasons, so Colin Farrell kind of has a reason to live again, but then Hawkeye is like OH NO YOU FUCKING DO NOT!! and he invades LA with dinosaurs and French dudes and rocket launchers, and he and Colin Farrell totally get into it and then Hawkeye gets run over by a train and so they never find happiness and that's the end of the movie.

And then Colin Farrell goes to Vietnam where he saves Alaric from doom and Alaric basically makes a whole movie about how in love with Colin Farrell he is, and Hawkeye is in a film about bombs that wins loads of awards even though it is totally boring amd nothing even happens.

Oh, and the dog eventually changed back into a unicorn and together he and Colin Farrell crossed Asia, bringing civilisation and Jared Leto to the world.

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I bet if Colin Farrell was the wizard-king of Ireland, his hat would be edible. And made of whiskey.

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Whenever Erskine Ravel shows up in a Skullduggery Pleasant book, I always imagine him as Colin Farrell, but like, wearing a hat. The addition of a hat tones down his raw masculinity while at the same time increasing his classiness level to the point where he can be the king of all the sorcerers in Ireland.

So basically if someone had just thought to give Colin Farrell a hat when Voldamort first started fucking shit up, I wouldn't have had to slog through those last two books, and instead of the Harry Potter franchise, there would have been one ninety minute movie in which Colin Farrell shouted "Unforgivable curse?!" *punch* "No, don't bother!" and saved the world from Death Eaters and Daniel Radcliffe's "acting". And then flew away into space on a unicorn, because he's that fucking amazing, especially in a hat.

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Apparently, Jared Leto is in space now. Hopefully this means production is finally underway for Alexander: a Space Opera, and by this time next year we can all enjoy Colin Farrell battling evil Persian robot-aliens on the big screen.

I actually think this will work better than an Alexander zombie AU, because while Colin Farrell would no doubt aquit himself MAGNIFICENTLY against the shambling undead, I sspect Jared Leto would just start screaming like a girl at his first glimpse of reanimated corpse carnage.

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I went to see Fright Night yesterday. FAILED SO HARD, you guys. I think Colin Farrell and I are now on the path to major, final breakup. The dialogue wasn't funny or clever, the comedic timing was way off (and jesus, you have the Tenth Doctor, the star of In Bruges, and Red Mist all playing major roles, how do you get all three of them to somehow not be hilarious?) there was no plot to speak of and basically everyone was a complete window-licking dullard. Also, Jerry semephored that he was a vampire so hard, that even if you were the kind of person who automatically discounts "oh, he's a vampire" as an explanation for neighbour-based weirdness, you would still think he was a massive creeposaurus.

Also, Colin Farrell's vampire form was this massive fake-head thing that make him look like the kid from Battle Dib. Every time he turned into it, part of me was expecting him to start screaming "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNKKKK!" and beating Jailbait Chekov with an over-sized cotton wool bud. The only bits that raised a smile was whenever Jerry got really badly injured, he would do this weird "epilectic on meth" seizure dance thing.

At least it was only an hour and a half long. Even so, it felt like marathoning all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings back-to-back, except for the bit where Lord of the Rings was entertaining. What a waste of talent - in the time they used filming this piece of shit, Colin Farrell and David Tennant could have made one decent film each. That's two decent films that will never get made now. Red Mist and Jailbait Chekov could probably have made something less epicly retarded.

And yes, this is coming from someone who rates Lost Boys 3: the Thirst as a solid three out of five. Well done, Colin Farrell - you just rated lower than a straight-to-video Corey Feldman movie. You must be so proud.

There was a trailer for this new Hugh Jackman movie that appears to be about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I do not understand. Tintin looks shit, the Puss in Boots movie looks superfluous, and for some reason Disney is showing the Lion King in 3D and marketing it as "for the first time ever!" Christ, just admit that you've run out of ideas, Disney. Paranormal Whatever 3 looks like an over-long cut of the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural, and the new Sherlock Holmes movie looks alright.

In other news, I have been catching up on Carnivale - the creepiest thing about Evander Geddes isn't that he suffocates little kids with plaster of paris just so he can take casts of their death agonies - it's that bit where he explains to Ben that his objective is "to capture the soul". Because in Carnivale, that is TOTALLY FEASIBLE. Urgh!

I have been watching the Shield, too - thus far, I rate it "quite good." Possibly I will write more when I know people's names. So far all I know is CCH Pounder, who is in everything. She is a police lady. She does police things. Her partner is kind of a spaz, but is quite good at detectoring. There is a bald man. The bald man is basically in charge. He has three little friends who are like his Crime Army. There's another dude who I think is supposed to be in charge, but everyone hates him and likes the bald man best. The other dude is pretty sour about it. CCH Pounder and her spaz-detecting friend don't seem to care either way - they just like to detect stuff. I don't know. I might be wrong.

When I was looking for pictures to do that pimp thing for smallfandomfest and fandom-of-one, I went on Google and typed in "dash x". As you can imagine, it brought up a lot of pictures of Jason Marsden being beautiful and having grey hair.

It also brought up a couple of pictures of My Little Ponies doing things together that My Little Ponies did not do in my day. I am finding it very hard not to be judgy about the entire internets over the fact that such a thing exists.

I am also finding it very hard not to mentally link Dash with My Little Ponies now. Something in my head looks at him now and thinks of sparkly manes and ill-advised bonnets and Dream Castle.

Oh, I miss my Dream Castle. I got it from a carboot and it was a bit scratched and the door was broken in half, but man, Johnny and I had some epic pitched battles there. I was Whistler, because she was clever and liked to read and blue was my favourite colour. He was a baby Sylvanian Families hedgehog, because he had spiky hair. Together, we fought crime. And by "crime", I mean Action Man and Gem. Those bitches always thought they could fuck with the Ponies just because they had cars and shit.

In other news, I am riddled with angst about this Fright Night remake - it looks so shit and unfunny... but Colin Farrell looks so beautiful in it... but I know that remakes are almost never good and also that Marti Noxon is a plague upon this world... but I love Colin Farrell so much... but I don't want to be hurt by him again, oh... it is very hard to be me right now. I am full of conflict.

What the fuck was that, Supernatural?!

I mean, at first I was quite amused by the fact that even Sam and Dean realise that Twilight is for spackers (take heed, Colin Farrell - at this moment, that means that Sam and Dean are cleverer than you!) and I took a moment to be horrified at the idea of a vampire Justin Bieber, spreading shitty music and ridiculous hair through his infectious bite, and to laugh at the whole "are you wearing glitter?" exchange, but then ( Read more... )

Also, is it just me or is Jared Padalecki's head even more massively over-sized than it was last year? His forehead is so big now, he's a bigger slaphead than the actual bald X-Files guy. Either his head is getting bigger, or his body is shrinking, possibly because his spine is slowly crumbling under the pressure of supporting his gigantic skull. Oh my God, he's hideous, why did they ever bring him back? If he'd stayed in hell, it could just be Dean and his guitar-leg from now on.

I have nothing to say. I don't even want to live in this sad, sad world anymore. I am going to Switzerland and getting mercy-killed so that I will no longer be forced to bear witness to this TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE.

KISS MY ASS, COLIN FARREL! I gave you the best movie-watching years of my life and now you betray me by pandering to a bunch of Twilight-loving lackwits. Why don't you just go and get a big cube-shaped head implant and a ridiculous buffount hairstyle and go all the way, you sell-out.

Oh, also I watched that episode of Bones today where Sweets and Daisy get back together, and they were talking about Saved By The Bell and they compared themselves to Screech and Jessie, and while I'm not overly fond of either Sweets or Daisy, I think that was kind of a harsh comparison. I'm just sayin'.