...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Okay, I sort of.retract the whine about.people.not.drawing the cast of Heroes.as MLP. its actually really hard.to make a bunch of.ponies.look like a specific.person out.of a group of.people which is.mostly blonde.women or white dudes with dark hair and eyes. the only one who looks even slightly recognisable.is Peter Pony, and only.because of Peters stupid haircut in season one. Drawing.is too difficult. im gonna go kill some homeless dudes.instead.

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Pretty much the only things I remembered Bout the last season of Heroes were that Nathan gets proper-dead, Mohinder gets proper-dead, and the last three or four episodes were just Sylar and Peter trying to break down this giant wall that Matt put up around them because, I don't know, they're annoying and rubbish.

I was wrong about one of these things, and it was not the one I hoped for. OH NATHAN!

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I AM ALIVE! If you imagined me saying that in the voice of Sarah from Hocus Pocus, you are exactly right, except I am not wearing quite such a cleavage-enhancing outfit at this moment.

Long story short, back in January, I apparently made God super angry with me and as a result he punished me by giving me a new cuntface of a manager and a hideous Bernard Manning/Sloth/Cave Troll hybrid agent in the same week, and then my laptop broke a little bit but I was already really tense and impatient so I Hulksmashed it into a wall and then it was somewhat more than a little bit broken and by then I had become addicted to freebase crack in order to deal with Cuntrag and Bernard so all my spare money went on that rather than getting a new laptop BUT! Now I have a new manager and a team of mostly-humans and so I have cleaned myself up and YAY INTARNETS!

By the way, some of that last paragraph was totally a lie, but unfortunately the bit about a coworker who resembles the lovechild of Bernard Manning, Sloth and the Cave Troll from the first Lord of the Rings movie is factually accurate. I didn't actually become a junkie, but only because I don't know where to get drugs from.

ANYWAY! Oh my God dudes, I just watched the last season of Heroes and it almost half-way did not suck. I estimate that I was not actively annoyed for at least 60% of the time. Also, Sylar would be fine if he just concentrated on being bitchy instead of trying and failing to be a badass killer dude. Adam Monroe completely needs to be some kind of crime-fightin' lawyer guy with an insane hatred of Quantum Leap. I would totally watch that. Maybe he can joined Major Lorne in the world of "Bones crossovers that are not real but totally should be". I think an Adam Monroe/Hodgins snark-off would make the world a million times better.

Hmm, what else... oh, the Vampire Diaries is pretty lame. Stern Hot History Teacher (formerly known as The Guy From Tigerland That Isn't Colin Farrell) is hot and stern, and Damon is fun in a super low-budget version of Angelus kind of way. Everyone else is retarded though.

I have not seen the Lost Boys 3 yet - I bet it is beautiful though. Nobody tell me different, okay? Also, Colin Farrell is going to be a vampire in a Fright Night remake next year and his enemy is going to be Jailbait Checkov from the new Star Trek movie - that does not seem like a fair fight to me. It's like pitting Micheal Jackson against Darth Vader.

That's pretty much it - as you can all see, I didn't go away and develop any kind of life while I was interwebsless. In fact, I pretty much just watched more TV and movies and thought about what kind of TV and movies I would like to see in the future. In case you were wondering, they still mostly involve Daddy Winchester, Colin Farrell, or werewolves. Or some combination thereof.

Oh, except also now I want a show in which Shatner and Tori Spelling fight crime in space, and The Dave is the main villian. Every episode will either end with Shatner waving his fists in the air and yelling "THE DAAAAAAAVEEEEE!" or a close-up shot of The Dave's evilly shifting eyes with an ominous music track playing in the background. I haven't put any werewolves or Daddy Winchesters in there yet. I don't think Daddy Winchester and The Dave would approve of each other. I just feel it in my soul.

Okay dudes, googlebrat has come up with the awesome concept of the Anti-Wishlist. No, it's not a list of things that are shit that I do not want you to buy for me. These are beautiful things that I already own, that I think other people should also own. Because they are beautiful.

In the grand tradition of all the best memes, once you have read my Anti-Wishlist and been overwhelmed by my good taste and encyclopedic knowledge of everything that is good ever, you have to write your own Anti-Wishlist. Be it games, music, books, films, TV shows, whatever, make a list of ten things you think other people should want for Christmas, and why.

1. How To Rob A Bank
   
   Dudes, it totally offends me that more of you are not talking about the greatness of this movie. It basically starts with Nick Stahl (aka Ben Hawkins from Carnivale) ranting about bank surcharges while trapped in a bank vault, then moves to him ripping the duct-tape off the mouth of Jessica, a saucy librarian type (saucy librarians are my favourite kind of librarian, FYI) who proceeds to verbally abuse him, which prompts him to snap "Whoa there, Skippy. If I wanted more verbal abuse, I would just call some customer service centre somewhere." She mutters something behind the gag, and Ben (he will henceforth be refered to as Ben) asks sarcastically, "What was that? Was that 'Sorry for being a bitch'? 'I'll be nicer now?'" Anyway, Ben goes on to get into a snarking match via mobile phone with Balthazar from Constantine, who is there trying to rob the vault, and is cranky because Ben has ruined his plan by getting stuck in there when he ran for cover during the robbery and the door closed behind him. There's a lot of completely genius moments, but my personal favourites are the scene where Ben gets Balthazar and the hostage negotiator, Officer Degepse, on a conference call and cons Balthazar into apologising to Degepse and Degepse into accepting the apology, before being distracted by Jessica and hanging up after telling them to "talk among yourselves," and the moment when Balthazar's 'phone battery dies, prompting him to walk out of the bank, hurl his mobile at the SWAT officers surrounding him, hitting Degepse in the head, and then staring at them for a long moment before walking calmly back inside.
   
   
2. Carnivale
   
   Seriously guys, why have more of you not watched this yet? If you liked Twin Peaks, American Gothic or Eerie Indiana, you should be watching Carnivale. Beautiful Nick Stahl takes time out from screwing up bank robberies in order to play the worlds unhappiest Avatar of Light. Ben wanders around looking miserable and confused, pausing occaisonally to shag Clea Duvall and Adrienne Barbeau, pretty much making him my hero for life. Meanwhile, Clancy Brown proves his evilness by making a mean paedophile dude kill himself (what?) and totally wanting his sister, while Cynthia Ettinger and Tim DeKay have pretty much the hottest on-screen romance that I have ever seen, ever. This is basically Twin Peaks if it was on HBO and took place in a travelling circus with strippers. It's awesome, and you should all be ashamed for not loving it like I do.
   
   
3. The 4400
   
   I have pimped this in way more detail here, but this is basically Heroes if Heroes had a cast where everybody could act instead of leaving the beautiful Pasdar to struggle on alone, and the characterization, dialogue and plotting didn't totally fucking suck. In brief, a giant ball of light appears over Seattle, and from it emerges a whole mess of people who have disappeared over the last 60 years. They haven't aged a day, and some of them have come back with magical powers. A beautiful, earnest government agent dude with a penchant for being in a shower whenever an important plot point comes up investigates. There are flavours of man-hottness to suit every palette, and oh, it's quite a good show too.
   
   
4. Profit
   
   Speaking of the beautiful Pasdar... this is pretty much him wandering around naked, with messy hair and too much eyeliner, while being evil in a variety of ways and narrating about how evil he is. Oh, and sleeping with his mum. AWESOME! My favourite bits are when he persuades a woman to go back to her estranged husband, even though he knows that the dude is a total psycho who will probably kill her, because it's the only way the husband will sign a deal that means more monies for the Pasdar, and the part where he deliberately traps another character alone with the uncle who molested her when she was thirteen, and then is totally smug and gleeful about it in the voice-over. That's some cold shit, the Pasdar. And I love it.
   
   
5. Wasting Away
   
   You guys, this is simply the best zombie movie EVER. Yes, better than Dawn of the Dead. Yes, better than Shaun of the Dead. Yes, better even than if they made a movie of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and somehow were able to travel back in time and get thirty-year-old Colin Firth to star in it. The premise is that a bunch of people get infected with Zombie, except they don;t know that they're zombies and they think everyone else is all crazy and high-pitched and runs around really fast. They meet this other dude who tells them that they're super-soldiers, except it turns out he's just this zombie caretaker dude and then he goes crazy and does a dance. Wendall from Bones and the guy from Tigerland who isn't Colin Farrell star. It's marvellous. Why aren't you watching it right now? In fact, why aren't I?! Fuck this list, I'll finish it later.

OH FUCK OFF HEROES! I don't even know why I watch you anymore, you Pasdarless piece of shit. Having ripped off pretty much everything it could from the 4400, it's moved on to stealing wholesale from both BSG and Carnivale, except for the part where all of those shows were actually good and had storylines that made sense and characters you gave a damn about. Seriously, they've even got Tommy Dolan playing Sampson- oh, I'm sorry, "Samuel" - and sir, you are no Micheal Anderson. Also mean imaginary friend Sylar is not as badass as Clancy Brown and House-of-Mirrors spends-most-of-an-episode-crying-like-a-big-gay-baby Sylar is about a hundred million times less lovely than Nick Stahl. So in conclusion, I hate everyone and I'm going to watch Carnivale.

I think they should start stealing from Deadwood and then Ian McShane could guest-star and systematically slit everyones throats before feeding them to Mister Wu's piggies. COCKSUCKERS!

Dudes, I have just had the most EPIC idea about how Heroes can effectively attone for Nathangate - as with everything beautiful, it naturally involves Colin Farrell, debauchery and just a little bit of manly violence.

See, with Claude either dead or in hiding, and Adam... well, I don't want to talk about Adam, but let's just say he will not be around anymore... Heroes needs a new character to bring the UK-based snark for which we are so justly renowned. Enter Colin Farrell, reeling from whiskey and stinking of sex, to mortally offend/wound/sexify everyone he comes across.

His first act will be making Peter cry by dismissing his prophetic drawings as "rubbish by spastics," then following that up by headbutting Sylar when he tries to take his ability (which, by the way, is never actually revealed to the audience) breaking his nose and possibly done while yelling something along the lines of "Telekinesis? No, don't bother!"*

Having effectively demonstrated that even Claire's healing abilities are no match for Colin Farrell, our soon-to-be fan favourite then avails himself of Sylar's wallet, Watch of Evilness and any spare booze he might have on his person before putting the boot in a couple of times and fleeing into the night, while the world's lamest super-powered serial killer is curled up in fetal agony on the floor. At which point Mama Petrelli shows up and points out that which we have always known, that Sylar is such a disappointment that he really could be one of the Petrelli boys after all.

Anyway, while Daddy Bennet and the Haitian are dispatched to track down Colin and recruit him into the latest incarnation of the Company/the Initiative/the Brotherhood of Mutants/whatever, Sylar and Peter put aside their mutual animosity in order to form the We Hate Colin Farrell club, and pinky-swear to eradicate him from the world once and for all. Later, Bennet will join their quest when it emerges that Colin has seduced Claire, Lyle, Sandra, Mr Muggles, the Haitian and his horn-rimmed glasses, leaving him alone and unable to read small print in the world.

*In my book, sorry, someone comes at you with telekinesis, that is a deadly weapon, he's gotta take the consequences. That's almost as bad as knowing karate or trying to hit you with a bottle.

Okay dudes, this is still not as beautiful as Mohinder/Sylar set to the strains of Johnny Depp's homicidal rhyming rantings in Sweeney Todd, but still: it is quite mind-breakingly lovely. Petrellicest and the afore-mentioned Mohinder/Sylar lovin' done to the tune Without Love from Hairspray.

I can't decide what is more horribly wonderful - Sylar as Penny (pigtails! oral fixation! hostess snacks! OMG even Hairspray knows!) or the fact that all of Link's lines are so strangely Nathan-appropriate.

Also as honourable mentions, this is so how Peter and Sylar's fight at the end of season one should have gone and Petrellis + the tune from True Blood = a thing of pure beauty.

Man, there so needs to be a Broadway musical spin-off of Heroes. I would watch that shit.

...oh wait, no I wouldn't. OH MY GOD NATHAN!

OH GOD NATHAN NO!

DUDES! Sylar's real dad is Daddy Luthor? On the one hand: AWESOME, because a day without John Glover is like a day without beautiful unicorns made from cake, but on the other hand, this makes Sylar's frequent lameitude even more annoying - you'd think with BDL floating around in his gene pool, he'd manage to be a bit more badass than he usually is.

Oh, and speaking of how much Sylar fails, did anyone else want to slap him when he went off on one at Radioactive Boy over how he'd used Sylar as a way to get out of town? Seriously Sylar, get over yourself. You're getting a strop on about the fact that a sixteen year old boy used you for his own selfish ends without considering your feelings first? Are you in fact a grown man or a highschool girl with a broken heart? Write it in glitter-ink in your fucking locked diary and put some sparkly stickers around it, you twinkie.

Also, I kind of figured that Rebel would turn out to be Micah, but I was secretly hoping Heroes would go down an ATM with a Heart of Gold-type route and Not-Niki would end up being stalked by a bowtie-wearing robot named Mister Wilson who makes her sing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" for hours on end until beautiful Nathan saves her beautifully with his beauty.

Man, Nathan is so pretty.

Oh thank God, he's not a zombie.

Now I'm up to the part where Mohinder injects himself with a magical potion that gives him the ability to be butch. He even has sex with a lady! Okay, it's just Sylar's aggravating sloppy seconds from the season before, but still. Of course, now he's turning into some kind of melty dinosaur thingie, so that sucks. Poor Mohinder. Your attempts to use science to help you attain some level of socially acceptable masculinity have failed, and now not only are you still the seven year old girl you always were, now you're a seven year old girl who looks like a rejected Power Rangers baddie.

Also, ADAM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!