...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

You know who else I had forgotten? Moloch. I really hope they never make Skulduggery Pleasant movies, because Moloch is basically EXACTLY what Colin Farrell would be like if he was vampire (eating everyone in a block of flats, playing a vampire version of The Hunger Games with would-be new recruits, wandering around Dublin in bare feet in the middle of winter and generally just being a drunken, blood-soaked, fang-sporting Irish mess) and Colin Farrell was banned from ever playing a vampire again for his part in the TRAVESTY that was Fright Night.

And it sucks even MORE now because presumably book 8 or 9 will have the big Dusk/Moloch throw-down, and I would really have enjoyed watching Colin Farrell slap that mopey tragic unbearability-pire upside the head and toss him into the sea and then eat all of Dublin.

Anyway, I guess the moral of this story is that I really hated the Fright Night remake amd sometimes a crime is so bad that you have to get punished for it, even if you are Colin Farrell. But I guess he would be playing the Irish Wizard King so... something. I dunno. Fright Night sucks.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

I went to see Fright Night yesterday. FAILED SO HARD, you guys. I think Colin Farrell and I are now on the path to major, final breakup. The dialogue wasn't funny or clever, the comedic timing was way off (and jesus, you have the Tenth Doctor, the star of In Bruges, and Red Mist all playing major roles, how do you get all three of them to somehow not be hilarious?) there was no plot to speak of and basically everyone was a complete window-licking dullard. Also, Jerry semephored that he was a vampire so hard, that even if you were the kind of person who automatically discounts "oh, he's a vampire" as an explanation for neighbour-based weirdness, you would still think he was a massive creeposaurus.

Also, Colin Farrell's vampire form was this massive fake-head thing that make him look like the kid from Battle Dib. Every time he turned into it, part of me was expecting him to start screaming "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNKKKK!" and beating Jailbait Chekov with an over-sized cotton wool bud. The only bits that raised a smile was whenever Jerry got really badly injured, he would do this weird "epilectic on meth" seizure dance thing.

At least it was only an hour and a half long. Even so, it felt like marathoning all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings back-to-back, except for the bit where Lord of the Rings was entertaining. What a waste of talent - in the time they used filming this piece of shit, Colin Farrell and David Tennant could have made one decent film each. That's two decent films that will never get made now. Red Mist and Jailbait Chekov could probably have made something less epicly retarded.

And yes, this is coming from someone who rates Lost Boys 3: the Thirst as a solid three out of five. Well done, Colin Farrell - you just rated lower than a straight-to-video Corey Feldman movie. You must be so proud.

There was a trailer for this new Hugh Jackman movie that appears to be about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I do not understand. Tintin looks shit, the Puss in Boots movie looks superfluous, and for some reason Disney is showing the Lion King in 3D and marketing it as "for the first time ever!" Christ, just admit that you've run out of ideas, Disney. Paranormal Whatever 3 looks like an over-long cut of the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural, and the new Sherlock Holmes movie looks alright.

In other news, I have been catching up on Carnivale - the creepiest thing about Evander Geddes isn't that he suffocates little kids with plaster of paris just so he can take casts of their death agonies - it's that bit where he explains to Ben that his objective is "to capture the soul". Because in Carnivale, that is TOTALLY FEASIBLE. Urgh!

I have been watching the Shield, too - thus far, I rate it "quite good." Possibly I will write more when I know people's names. So far all I know is CCH Pounder, who is in everything. She is a police lady. She does police things. Her partner is kind of a spaz, but is quite good at detectoring. There is a bald man. The bald man is basically in charge. He has three little friends who are like his Crime Army. There's another dude who I think is supposed to be in charge, but everyone hates him and likes the bald man best. The other dude is pretty sour about it. CCH Pounder and her spaz-detecting friend don't seem to care either way - they just like to detect stuff. I don't know. I might be wrong.

When I was looking for pictures to do that pimp thing for smallfandomfest and fandom-of-one, I went on Google and typed in "dash x". As you can imagine, it brought up a lot of pictures of Jason Marsden being beautiful and having grey hair.

It also brought up a couple of pictures of My Little Ponies doing things together that My Little Ponies did not do in my day. I am finding it very hard not to be judgy about the entire internets over the fact that such a thing exists.

I am also finding it very hard not to mentally link Dash with My Little Ponies now. Something in my head looks at him now and thinks of sparkly manes and ill-advised bonnets and Dream Castle.

Oh, I miss my Dream Castle. I got it from a carboot and it was a bit scratched and the door was broken in half, but man, Johnny and I had some epic pitched battles there. I was Whistler, because she was clever and liked to read and blue was my favourite colour. He was a baby Sylvanian Families hedgehog, because he had spiky hair. Together, we fought crime. And by "crime", I mean Action Man and Gem. Those bitches always thought they could fuck with the Ponies just because they had cars and shit.

In other news, I am riddled with angst about this Fright Night remake - it looks so shit and unfunny... but Colin Farrell looks so beautiful in it... but I know that remakes are almost never good and also that Marti Noxon is a plague upon this world... but I love Colin Farrell so much... but I don't want to be hurt by him again, oh... it is very hard to be me right now. I am full of conflict.

What the fuck was that, Supernatural?!

I mean, at first I was quite amused by the fact that even Sam and Dean realise that Twilight is for spackers (take heed, Colin Farrell - at this moment, that means that Sam and Dean are cleverer than you!) and I took a moment to be horrified at the idea of a vampire Justin Bieber, spreading shitty music and ridiculous hair through his infectious bite, and to laugh at the whole "are you wearing glitter?" exchange, but then ( Read more... )

Also, is it just me or is Jared Padalecki's head even more massively over-sized than it was last year? His forehead is so big now, he's a bigger slaphead than the actual bald X-Files guy. Either his head is getting bigger, or his body is shrinking, possibly because his spine is slowly crumbling under the pressure of supporting his gigantic skull. Oh my God, he's hideous, why did they ever bring him back? If he'd stayed in hell, it could just be Dean and his guitar-leg from now on.

Just saw a thingie on Facebook where Marti Noxon was talking about her part in the Fright Night remake. I really wish I had realised earlier that she was involved - that totally explains why the remake sucks, and not in either of the two fun ways a vampire movie could do so. Fuck you, Marti Noxon. If I had a syringe full of PrawnAIDS I would jab it into your fucking face.

In other, more positive news, after seeing Don's ex-boyfriend on Castle the other night, I have been inspired to start re-watching Numb3rs, and OH MY GOD, could it be any more homoerotic? I mean, intellectually I was aware of how incredibly slashy it was, but rewatching it just dazzled me with it's subtexty goodness.

I just finished watching that season 2 episode with the little boy whose mum gets shot for exposing stock fraud, and that bit with Charlie and Colby and the gumballs, dude, there was less sexual tension in TV shows that are actually mostly about sexual tension. So awesome.

Anyways, that's pretty much all I have to say for the moment, so good day!

I have nothing to say. I don't even want to live in this sad, sad world anymore. I am going to Switzerland and getting mercy-killed so that I will no longer be forced to bear witness to this TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE.

KISS MY ASS, COLIN FARREL! I gave you the best movie-watching years of my life and now you betray me by pandering to a bunch of Twilight-loving lackwits. Why don't you just go and get a big cube-shaped head implant and a ridiculous buffount hairstyle and go all the way, you sell-out.

Oh, also I watched that episode of Bones today where Sweets and Daisy get back together, and they were talking about Saved By The Bell and they compared themselves to Screech and Jessie, and while I'm not overly fond of either Sweets or Daisy, I think that was kind of a harsh comparison. I'm just sayin'.

Oh dudes, I just saw the trailer for the Fright Night remake, and it's all "brooding" and "fraught" and "menacing" and there are explosions and car chases and I thought it would be cheesy 80's goodness but now I kind of feel like Colin Farrell just cheated on me with the entire Twilight fandom.

I have to go cry now.