...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

I feel like the world really needs a Carnivale/Eerie Indiana crossover, but if I'm too lazy to write straight-up EI fic, I'm for sure not capable of tackling Carnivale's sprawling mythology.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

I went to see Fright Night yesterday. FAILED SO HARD, you guys. I think Colin Farrell and I are now on the path to major, final breakup. The dialogue wasn't funny or clever, the comedic timing was way off (and jesus, you have the Tenth Doctor, the star of In Bruges, and Red Mist all playing major roles, how do you get all three of them to somehow not be hilarious?) there was no plot to speak of and basically everyone was a complete window-licking dullard. Also, Jerry semephored that he was a vampire so hard, that even if you were the kind of person who automatically discounts "oh, he's a vampire" as an explanation for neighbour-based weirdness, you would still think he was a massive creeposaurus.

Also, Colin Farrell's vampire form was this massive fake-head thing that make him look like the kid from Battle Dib. Every time he turned into it, part of me was expecting him to start screaming "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNKKKK!" and beating Jailbait Chekov with an over-sized cotton wool bud. The only bits that raised a smile was whenever Jerry got really badly injured, he would do this weird "epilectic on meth" seizure dance thing.

At least it was only an hour and a half long. Even so, it felt like marathoning all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings back-to-back, except for the bit where Lord of the Rings was entertaining. What a waste of talent - in the time they used filming this piece of shit, Colin Farrell and David Tennant could have made one decent film each. That's two decent films that will never get made now. Red Mist and Jailbait Chekov could probably have made something less epicly retarded.

And yes, this is coming from someone who rates Lost Boys 3: the Thirst as a solid three out of five. Well done, Colin Farrell - you just rated lower than a straight-to-video Corey Feldman movie. You must be so proud.

There was a trailer for this new Hugh Jackman movie that appears to be about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I do not understand. Tintin looks shit, the Puss in Boots movie looks superfluous, and for some reason Disney is showing the Lion King in 3D and marketing it as "for the first time ever!" Christ, just admit that you've run out of ideas, Disney. Paranormal Whatever 3 looks like an over-long cut of the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural, and the new Sherlock Holmes movie looks alright.

In other news, I have been catching up on Carnivale - the creepiest thing about Evander Geddes isn't that he suffocates little kids with plaster of paris just so he can take casts of their death agonies - it's that bit where he explains to Ben that his objective is "to capture the soul". Because in Carnivale, that is TOTALLY FEASIBLE. Urgh!

I have been watching the Shield, too - thus far, I rate it "quite good." Possibly I will write more when I know people's names. So far all I know is CCH Pounder, who is in everything. She is a police lady. She does police things. Her partner is kind of a spaz, but is quite good at detectoring. There is a bald man. The bald man is basically in charge. He has three little friends who are like his Crime Army. There's another dude who I think is supposed to be in charge, but everyone hates him and likes the bald man best. The other dude is pretty sour about it. CCH Pounder and her spaz-detecting friend don't seem to care either way - they just like to detect stuff. I don't know. I might be wrong.

To whom it may concern: if you’re reading this document, it means you are about to learn of the greatest kids show ever made.

I am talking, of course, about Eerie, Indiana, a show aimed at roughly the nine-to-fourteen year old market, which aired nineteen episodes between 1991 and 1992 before being stolen by aliens because it was too good for this world. Or maybe it was cancelled because the idiot network didn't know a good thing when they saw it.



If you liked Twin Peaks, if you liked Carnivale or American Gothic, or if you liked the movie The 'Burbs (and seriously, why would you not like The 'Burbs?) you will like Eerie, Indiana.

The premise of Eerie, Indiana revolves around 13-year-old Marshall Teller and his nine-year-old best friend Simon Holmes. Prior to the start of the show, Marshall lived in New Jersey, “just across the river from New York City. It was crowded, polluted and full of crime… I loved it. But my parents wanted a better live for my sister and me, so we moved to a place so wholesome, so squeaky-clean, you could only find it on TV.”

Are you intrigued yet? You should be. Shortly arriving in Eerie, Marshall begins to notice that his new home town is… different.

“What’s wrong with this picture? The American Dream come true, right? Wrong. Nobody believes me, but Eerie is the centre of weirdness for the entire planet.”


( The Characters )

Oh you guys. I just saw a movie that had Shawn Farrell from the 4400 in it, except instead of being beautiful and earnest, he was torturing dudes and generally being horrible in a non-entertaining way. OH SHAWN! What would your beloved Uncle Tommy say?!

Also, I have been reading the Locke and Key comics - I heard about them initially because beautiful Nick Stahl was supposed to be in a TV series based on it, being beautiful and probably doing some other stuff that I may or may not have cared about, but Fox didn't pick it up so now we'll never know. That aside, the comics themselves are really good - without giving anything away, a family moves into a big old house with loads of locked rooms and cupboards, and if the right person opens the right door with the right key, magical shit happens. If I say much more I will totally ruin it for you, but it's awesome and you guys should watch it.

On the subject of Nick Stahl, none of you are talking about Carnivale enough. This makes me cross. White Collar dudes, you should also be watching it because it has Tim DeKay in it aswell. Don't make Liamneeson send you to hell with all the Twin Peaks-ignoring rejects.

One last thing - I mentioned a while ago that I'd been reading a book about a zombie PI who went around fighting crime, which was cool, and having a non-zombie girlfriend, which was not cool, even if saying so makes me a racist. I just finished the third book, and the girlfriend is pregnant, which is so horrible I don't even want to discuss it, but I keep reading because it's full of these little scraps of meta-humour that make me smile. Case in point:

'Before we could start toward them, the front door opened and a teenage boy with mussed hair and a pouty expression walked in. He had the elongated canines of the Bloodborn, but his skin gave off a glimmering sheen.

A couple of bald, overly muscled, heavily tattooed vampires clad in scuffed leather snarled at the sight of the luminous teen. They rose from their chairs, stalked toward him, flanked him on either side, grabbed hold of his arms, lifted him off the floor, and started escorting him back toward the door.

"Hey, take it easy, guys!" the teen whined. "It's not my fault I sparkle!"

The biker vampires laughed as they left the bar, and the iron door slammed ominously shut behind them.'

Well played, Tim Waggoner. Very well played, and vastly superiour to that piece-of-shit Supernatural parody that offended my precious eyes last week. If they ever made a Nekropolis TV show, I would watch it.

As long as there was no overt zombie/regular person smooching. I have my limits.

Oh, oh, I forgot to mention - Carnivale is on Sky Atlantic at 9pm on Mondays. You should all watch it, because it is awesome and has beautiful Nick Stahl being beautiful and also Tim DeKay! Then come here and write loads of comments so we can all discuss how beautiful it is and be super-bitter that it was cancelled after only two seasons.

My Year In Fandom:

Your main fandom of the year?
Corey Feldman. Yes, he is a fandom all by himself. Yes he is! Shut the fuck up!

Your favourite film watched this year?
This is hard, there were actually a few really awesome films I discovered this year - Iron Man 2, The Losers, Lost Boys: the Thirst and Monster Squad are all things I saw for the first time in 2010, and they are MARVELLOUS. I'm going to go for the Monster Squad though, because none of the other movies had characters screaming "Kick him in the nards! Kick him in the nards!" at each other.

Your favourite book read this year?
Somebody introduced me to a comic book series called The Boys, which is pretty much Watchmen for people who didn't think Watchmen was sick and wrong enough. It is fucking hilarous.

Your favourite album or song to listen to this year?
Every year I buy a couple of those Halloween-themed albums. For 2010, I got a triple CD set that includes the theme from True Blood, Bad Moon Rising, Shewolf by Shakira and Duran Duran's Hungry Like The Wolf. Pure awesome, you guys.

Your favourite TV show of the year?
Glee. I haven't been online enough in 2010 for my flist to witness me getting appropriately squeeful about it, but OH GOD, it is wonderful!

Your favourite LJ community of the year?
The community itself is pretty much dead, but Lost Boys Slash did lead me to the LJ of redeyedfeline, and in turn to some EPIC Frogcest.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?
White Collar. Seriously guys, even gayer than LJ made it out to be. Plus Jonesy from Carnivale being stern and manly with the younger, prettier clone of Simon from Firefly.

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?
The fifth season of Bones. I can't really point to one particular thing that made it sucktarded, but the whole season just left me kind of, "Meh."

Your TV boyfriend of the year?
Tesla from Sanctuary. OH HE IS SO MARVELOUSLY SNITTY I WANT TO LICK HIS FACE!

Your TV girlfriend of the year?
Shego from Kim Possible. Yes, I know she wasn't on the air in 2010, but this is when I got the season 1 and 2 DVDs and also when her greatness helped me recover from a traumatic incident involving a naked Corey Haim, so she still counts.

Your biggest squee moment of the year?
Edgar and Alan's hug at the end of The Thirst. OH GOD THEY ARE SO CUTE!

The most missed of your old fandoms?
The 4400. Seeing Joel Gresch be manly yet earnest in V really underscored how much I missed seeing him be manly yet earnest in a show where everyone else wasn't a total fucking retard and the bits that weren't occupied by Joel Gresch being manly yet earnest were focused on Jordan and Shawn having EPIC GAY LOVE. OH JOEL GRESCH. OH JORDAN. OH SHAWN.

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?
Leverage. I've only just seen season one, but already I suspect there is quite a lot of fic surrounding Lindsey's crush on Hardison. Hopefully this time his affections will involve less plastic hands and people being mowed down in the pickup truck of unrequited love.

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?
I am quite looking forward to seeing Colin Farrel and Jailbait!Chekov face off against each other in the Fright Night remake. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies are bound to be completely wonderful. Also, there had better be a Lost Boys 4 and possibly a spin-off TV series too.

Okay dudes, googlebrat has come up with the awesome concept of the Anti-Wishlist. No, it's not a list of things that are shit that I do not want you to buy for me. These are beautiful things that I already own, that I think other people should also own. Because they are beautiful.

In the grand tradition of all the best memes, once you have read my Anti-Wishlist and been overwhelmed by my good taste and encyclopedic knowledge of everything that is good ever, you have to write your own Anti-Wishlist. Be it games, music, books, films, TV shows, whatever, make a list of ten things you think other people should want for Christmas, and why.

1. How To Rob A Bank
   
   Dudes, it totally offends me that more of you are not talking about the greatness of this movie. It basically starts with Nick Stahl (aka Ben Hawkins from Carnivale) ranting about bank surcharges while trapped in a bank vault, then moves to him ripping the duct-tape off the mouth of Jessica, a saucy librarian type (saucy librarians are my favourite kind of librarian, FYI) who proceeds to verbally abuse him, which prompts him to snap "Whoa there, Skippy. If I wanted more verbal abuse, I would just call some customer service centre somewhere." She mutters something behind the gag, and Ben (he will henceforth be refered to as Ben) asks sarcastically, "What was that? Was that 'Sorry for being a bitch'? 'I'll be nicer now?'" Anyway, Ben goes on to get into a snarking match via mobile phone with Balthazar from Constantine, who is there trying to rob the vault, and is cranky because Ben has ruined his plan by getting stuck in there when he ran for cover during the robbery and the door closed behind him. There's a lot of completely genius moments, but my personal favourites are the scene where Ben gets Balthazar and the hostage negotiator, Officer Degepse, on a conference call and cons Balthazar into apologising to Degepse and Degepse into accepting the apology, before being distracted by Jessica and hanging up after telling them to "talk among yourselves," and the moment when Balthazar's 'phone battery dies, prompting him to walk out of the bank, hurl his mobile at the SWAT officers surrounding him, hitting Degepse in the head, and then staring at them for a long moment before walking calmly back inside.
   
   
2. Carnivale
   
   Seriously guys, why have more of you not watched this yet? If you liked Twin Peaks, American Gothic or Eerie Indiana, you should be watching Carnivale. Beautiful Nick Stahl takes time out from screwing up bank robberies in order to play the worlds unhappiest Avatar of Light. Ben wanders around looking miserable and confused, pausing occaisonally to shag Clea Duvall and Adrienne Barbeau, pretty much making him my hero for life. Meanwhile, Clancy Brown proves his evilness by making a mean paedophile dude kill himself (what?) and totally wanting his sister, while Cynthia Ettinger and Tim DeKay have pretty much the hottest on-screen romance that I have ever seen, ever. This is basically Twin Peaks if it was on HBO and took place in a travelling circus with strippers. It's awesome, and you should all be ashamed for not loving it like I do.
   
   
3. The 4400
   
   I have pimped this in way more detail here, but this is basically Heroes if Heroes had a cast where everybody could act instead of leaving the beautiful Pasdar to struggle on alone, and the characterization, dialogue and plotting didn't totally fucking suck. In brief, a giant ball of light appears over Seattle, and from it emerges a whole mess of people who have disappeared over the last 60 years. They haven't aged a day, and some of them have come back with magical powers. A beautiful, earnest government agent dude with a penchant for being in a shower whenever an important plot point comes up investigates. There are flavours of man-hottness to suit every palette, and oh, it's quite a good show too.
   
   
4. Profit
   
   Speaking of the beautiful Pasdar... this is pretty much him wandering around naked, with messy hair and too much eyeliner, while being evil in a variety of ways and narrating about how evil he is. Oh, and sleeping with his mum. AWESOME! My favourite bits are when he persuades a woman to go back to her estranged husband, even though he knows that the dude is a total psycho who will probably kill her, because it's the only way the husband will sign a deal that means more monies for the Pasdar, and the part where he deliberately traps another character alone with the uncle who molested her when she was thirteen, and then is totally smug and gleeful about it in the voice-over. That's some cold shit, the Pasdar. And I love it.
   
   
5. Wasting Away
   
   You guys, this is simply the best zombie movie EVER. Yes, better than Dawn of the Dead. Yes, better than Shaun of the Dead. Yes, better even than if they made a movie of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and somehow were able to travel back in time and get thirty-year-old Colin Firth to star in it. The premise is that a bunch of people get infected with Zombie, except they don;t know that they're zombies and they think everyone else is all crazy and high-pitched and runs around really fast. They meet this other dude who tells them that they're super-soldiers, except it turns out he's just this zombie caretaker dude and then he goes crazy and does a dance. Wendall from Bones and the guy from Tigerland who isn't Colin Farrell star. It's marvellous. Why aren't you watching it right now? In fact, why aren't I?! Fuck this list, I'll finish it later.

Oh my God, sometimes I just want to stab myself in the face to avoid being confronted by the fucktardery of the people around me. One of the brand-new fucktards on the team - I'll call her Pugfaced Chav, or PFC for short - actually asked me how to work out three percent of a bill. I was like, "Well, first you go back to school, in order to attain a basic fucking grasp of maths, you idiot, and then you throw yourself from a high building!"

I mean, are you fucking kidding me? The calculator on your computer even has a little percentage button! Christ, some people should never have been allowed to survive into adulthood.

Anyway, now I am watching How To Rob A Bank and it is beautiful - ninety minutes of Ben from Carnivale and Balthazar from Constantine trading insults through a bank vault door, could anything be more fun? I would totally watch a spin-off series based entirely around that concept.

OH FUCK OFF HEROES! I don't even know why I watch you anymore, you Pasdarless piece of shit. Having ripped off pretty much everything it could from the 4400, it's moved on to stealing wholesale from both BSG and Carnivale, except for the part where all of those shows were actually good and had storylines that made sense and characters you gave a damn about. Seriously, they've even got Tommy Dolan playing Sampson- oh, I'm sorry, "Samuel" - and sir, you are no Micheal Anderson. Also mean imaginary friend Sylar is not as badass as Clancy Brown and House-of-Mirrors spends-most-of-an-episode-crying-like-a-big-gay-baby Sylar is about a hundred million times less lovely than Nick Stahl. So in conclusion, I hate everyone and I'm going to watch Carnivale.

I think they should start stealing from Deadwood and then Ian McShane could guest-star and systematically slit everyones throats before feeding them to Mister Wu's piggies. COCKSUCKERS!

Dudes, I have discovered the most beautiful book in the history of mankind: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. As you may infer from the title, it is literally Pride and Prejudice rewritten to include zombies. And, in a couple of instances, ninjas. And it is lovely! Colin Firth should totally return as Mr Darcy for the zombilicious TV version of it.

Mr Darcy: Vampyre, however, is as lame as the mere fact of spelling vampire with a Y would suggest. It's pretty much Twilight if you changed Cubehead and Insipid Twit's names to Darcy and Elizabeth.

Also, I saw the Dorian Grey film over the weekend and it was a bit disappointing and melodramatic. Firstly, Colin Firth is too good an actor for him to be cast alongside not-very-good actors (coughBenBarnescough) because he completely shows them up, and secondly the whole thing is totally serious and doesn't laugh at its own over-the-top absurdity or in fact be funny at all. It's literally like, OH MY GOD THE PAINTING MOVED! IT'S SO TERRIBLE! ARGH I AM SO SCARED! SURELY EVERYONE WILL BE TERRIFIED BY A PICTURE WITH MOVING EYES, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY HAVE SEEN ANY EPISODE OF SCOOBY DOO EVER! Whatever, Ben Barnes. Come back when you have actually learnt to express an emotion instead of standing around smiling like a gormless idiot.

I'm watching Carnivale now; man, Ben's family suck so much. Old Cherry Blossom Road is pretty much Carnivale does Deliverence, which is kind of ironic given that being forcibly sodomized by hillbillies is pretty much the only terrible thing that doesn't happen to poor Ben over the course of the series. "Squeal like a pig, Ben Hawkins!" There's got to be a special level of Hell for people who ass-rape the Avatar of Light.

And on that note, I watched Pulp Fiction at the weekend and what is the deal with hillbillies and anal violation? It's like, your recessive gene count gets to a certain level and all you can think about is corn-holing the next unsuspecting fool who passes through your derelict shanty town.