...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Dudes, Outrageous Fortune is so good, I am completely amazed by both its non-shoddiness and its entire lack of ridiculous facepaint and zombie sheep. Also, Antonia Prebble can actually act* (and is a bit hot too), the psycho peadophile bootcamp instructor who debauches Lex is kind of awesome and likable and not a creepy violent child-molester at all and Van is so adorable, oh my God, there should be a show that is just Van and Munter running around being stoned and ineffective and beautiful.

Also, and totally unrelated, Jared Leto so needs a new show. He's pretty, and all of my favourite shows have either ended or started to suck in the not-fun way, and his band is fucking awful, so clearly he needs to be back on television. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of myself and El Snithador, we have been unable to come up with the perfect vehicle for Jared Leto's particular brand of prettiness and indeterminate acting abilities.

I think the problem is that the stuff he's been in doesn't really give us a handle on what he can and can't do. I mean, let's break down Jared Leto's key strengths, as demonstrated in his most memorable roles:

• My So-Called Life: He plays Jordan Catalano, a role that consists of leaning against things and making goo-goo eyes at Claire Danes. Oh, and Brian in that one really strange episode where the show went all Cyrano on us.
  
• American Psycho: Christian Bale hits him in the face with an axe. Everyone laughs. Yes, it was fucking hilarious, but it seems like Batbale did all the work in that scene.
  
• Alexander: He wears a lot of eyeliner and follows Colin Farrell around while gazing at him in adoration. This isn't actually acting at all, as everyone has that reaction to Colin Farrell. Don't believe me? Watch the extras, Oliver Stone does the exact same thing every time Colin is on set.

So, what we need is a show that allows him to be pretty and a bit gay, without having to keep up with any actors who are prettier or more talented than him and without requiring to do anything too difficult, like excessive emoting or long speeches. I've also ruled out the following things:

• No shows about vampires. There's no point doing anything with vampires while True Blood is on the air, because Alan Ball is just going to laugh at us and pee in our faces. If this was a couple of years ago when all we had to contend with was Moonlight and Blood Ties, it would be different, but True Blood will outclass us and make us look bad.
  
• No shows with Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, the Dave or Daddy Winchester. They're all hotter and/or better at acting than Jared, and that's not allowed.
  
• No shows about werewolves. Jared is a girly pretty-boy, and there have been enough non-manly werewolves in the past without him adding to their degradation.

Anything else is fair game, and so I open the floor to suggestions. Jared fights crime? Jared does crime? Jared is in space? Pitch your ideas in the comments, post them in your own LJ, make them an entry on 30SecondsToMarsSuckMonkeyBalls: go nuts! Let's start the Jared Leto TV Revival, and bring passable good looks and mediocre talent back to our screens where he belongs!

*Michelle Ang, however, cannot.

Dudes, I just saw the last episode of the Tribe and really, how fucking stupid do you have to be not to realise that an AI with the combined personalities of a dead sociopath and a live megalomaniac is going to wind up going SkyNet all over the place? What an idiot!

Man, I so want a Zoot AI of my own now. Especially if I could put it on the PCs at work and have it smile creepily every time someone tried to ask me an inane question. Which would actually be all the time. Maybe if someone asked me a non-retarded question, he'd Vogue.

And now, meme answers!

Scheherezhad wanted to know my top five Eerie moments:

1: The scene in the Hole in the Head Gang where Simon and Mars see the fake ghost head for the first time, and Mars is like ARRRRRGGGHHHH-*takes picture*-AARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
2: The scene in Scariest Home Movies where Harley steps on the female leads' dress and it rips and you see her knickers and then he turns and waggles his eyebrows suggestively at the audience - is there anything funnier than a pervy six year old?
3: The scene in Who's Who where Simon tells Sarah Sue-Bob that she should try telling her family how she feels, and Sarah Sue-Bob says that she hopes "this isn't some New Age peaceful thing that will backfire on me," and then it does!
4: Dash and Mars' almost-kiss in the alley behind the Loyal Order of Corn. Yes it was, shut the fuck up.
5: The Foreverware Wave.

Chibimarchy wanted to know my top five canon or fanom pairings from any fandom:

Canon pairings:
1: Buffy and Angel (BtVS/Angel) I swear, I will be like sixty and watching it on the DVD player surgically grafted onto my face as I zoom around the Moon Station with my personal jetpack, and I will still be crying over that scene at the end of season three where he shows up to take her to the prom. And then I'll probably crash into a satellite because I can't see where I'm going through the tears.
2: Van and Hitomi (Escaflowne) Even though in the end Hitomi chose indoor plumbing and electricty over young love and an early death from cholera due to Fanelia's appalling lack of infrastructure, I got a bit choked up during that scene where she decides to go back to him and as she's running on the track, he appears on the Escaflowne in a pillar of light and he's about to speak and she just throws herself into his arms. Having said that, I also quite liked the scene in Operation: Golden Rule of Love where he was trying to tell her how he felt and he ended up saying he wanted her powers instead and she bitchslapped him.
3: Rita Sue and Jonesy (Carnivale) That first time, where she takes off his brace, was so bitter-sweet and beautiful, and afterwards they were so hot and heavy together, the way they couldn't keep their hands off each other - Rita Sue is so jaded and worldly when it comes to sex and love and marriage, so having her fall for Jonesy that hard made it all the more meaningful. And of course all the more heartbreaking when he broke it off.
4: Jack and Ellie (the Tribe) I just think they're adorable together - like when he renames their newspaper the Amulet and she says he's beautiful, or the conversation with the walkie-talkies where neither of them want to hang up - and that scene where you find out that it's Ellie sending Ebony all the death threats, because she blames her forJack being taken, and Ebony gets her trademark sass on and Ellie just lunges for her and Ebony's like OMGWTF and even Techno Ranger almost manages an expression.
5: Lucas and Selina (American Gothic) Because... because they're Lucas and Selina, come on, like I even have to explain that!

Fanon pairings:
1: Jordan/Shawn (4400) Because the debauching of underage boys by morally ambiguous, totally hot, beard-having Messiah figures is awesome.
2: Bray/Lex (the Tribe) Because alpha-male power struggles are also awesome, especially if one party habitually wears a lot of leather and eyeliner, and especially-specially if it tends to devolve into homoerotic wrestling matches.
3: Scipio/Prosper (the Thief Lord) Because underage boylove in Venice? Yes, that too is awesome.
4: Mars/Dash (Eerie Indiana) As above, but in Indiana.
5: Colby/Charlie (Numb3rs) Because... dude, look at them! That's why!

itsjustc wanted to know my top five Tribe characters:

1: Jack
2: Lex
3: KC
4: Ebony
5: Bray

Ask me my fannish Top 5 [Whatevers]. Any top fives. Doesn't matter what, really! And I will answer them all in a new post.

Also, I am now watching the fourth season of the Tribe, which is also known as "the season I barely remember because Ram makes me sick and also where is Bray and Jack and KC and pretty much everyone I love except Lex," and although Ram does still make me sick, I totally love the way he plays Jay.

Obviously at some point Jay is going to realise he's completely bug-fuck crazy (and not in an awesome way like Big G, but in an annoying latex-glove-wearing stupid-fake-high-fiving of the Littlest Shithead way) and turn against him, but at the moment, any time Jay gets uppity about the questionable morality of something Ram's doing, Ram totally exploits Jay's uncomfortableness about the wheelchair and his guilt about being whole and healthy, and then Ram's all like, "Oh i need you Jay, we're still friends aren't we?" and Jay's like, "No, we totally are, slavery and experimentation on human beings is awesome yay!" and Ram's like, "Sucker!"

Also, OH MY GOD VED SHUT UP! He dies, right? Please tell me he dies.

Blargh! i have been off work the last two days with an ear infection and it is utterly horrible. Not being off work, obviously, although given the choice I would prefer to save my sick days for times I don't feel so awful, but the ear infection part of it. I get them a lot, so I pretty much know what to expect, but that doesn't make it less shitty.

So, I'm sat here trying to eat this bowl of cereal, because I'm starving but also kind of nauseous from the pain in my head, and I'm watching Power Rangers (because I've finished the third season of the Tribe and damn it, I'm ill, I deserve more Dwayne Cameron!) and you know, off your face with pain and exhaustion and sleeping pills that don't fucking work for moer than an hour at a time, it becomes strangely compelling. Dwayne Cameron will now be known as Pretty Soldier Sailor Bray for the rest of his days, due to his excessively sparkly transformation sequence. No kidding, it's approximately 98% more sparkly than any of the other Rangers. He even does the Sailor Mercury staff-twirly-around thing.

There was something else I came on here to say, but I can't remember what it was. Pretty Soldier Sailor Bray and Falcor should totally team up though. FALCOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Oh my God, I am so out of it.

Hee! I just watched that episode of season three where Bray, Lex and Ebony see a puppet show slagging them off and they get all cranky and hijack it and stage their own version and it was so marvellous, I just had to recap it all here in it's cracktastic beauty:

( The Tribe, Season 3, Episode 23 )

Oh no. Oh KC. Oh, say it isn't so! KC becomes the latest Tribe alumni to go the Way of the Ranger.

Seriously, I am totally not ready for the thought of KC in spandex. I feel entirely dirty just thinking about it. I'm going to bed!

ETA: Oh God look at him he's really attractive! What's wrong with me?! I'm going to Hell!

Oh guys, am I the only one who finds the whole Lex/KC thing completely adorable? I don't mean as a pairing - although probably if KC had still been on the show when puberty hit, it would have gone that way - but the whole vibe the two of them have.

I love KC. I want to take him home and feed him cookies and then get mad when he steals my shitty Poundland batteries out of the utensil drawer. I like how he makes up random origin stories about growing up in a home or having an abusive dad or losing all his stuff in a fire purely to get his own way. I like the fact that after he helps save Dal and Sasha from slavery and the rioting starts, he stays around to nick stuff before heading back to the mall. I love the way he helps out Jack with the wind turbine after Dal leaves, and how he helps out after Jack breaks his leg, even though eventually he gets pissed off and ends up slipping Jack sleeping pills to keep him quiet. I like how he's portrayed as this just-out-for-himself Artful Dodger character, but he waits on at Ryan and Salene's honeymoon in Venice.

I love how he's ready to take the blame for stealing the water in Lex's place (I kind of a little bit hated Lex in that episode, but they didn't throw KC out for it, so that was okay) and how he goes to him after Zan takes him out of isolation in the mall. I love how he tries to look out for Zandra when Lex is busy dying from the Virus. I love how he climbs up to the balcony and kicks Top Hat in the nuts in that one episode, even though he's frightened to the point of tears. I love that bit at the end of season one where Lex says he and Zandra are leaving and KC wants to go with them, and Lex is all mean and sarcastic about it and KC looks utterly crushed. I love how, after Lex and Bray had their first knock-down drag-out, he insisted that Lex had won despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, and that he stormed out of the cafe when Ebony told him he was wrong, and how he's all proud and boasty after Lex rescues Alice from that (by the way, completely lame and unconvincing) collapsed barn.

I like how, when Lex is all drunk and crazy, KC keeps stopping by to keep him company, even though all that happens is that Lex yells at him a lot. I like how Lex steals all his gambling proceeds and KC still cuts him in on all his deals, and how he's totally gleeful when Lex says he'll take him fishing, even though it's a totally hollow promise. I like that bit where everyone keeps telling him to do something useful and then yelling at him for doing it wrong, and then he goes and asks Lex for a job and Lex tells him to "go steal me something," and then he goes off to do just that.

In short, I think KC is marvellous and lovely and there should totally be more love for him. That is all.

Hee! I'm watching that episode now where all the guys get wasted at Lex's bachelor party and Jack is teasing him about how he's not going to be able to go off whoring anymore (which, really Jack? Really?) and then they start talking about Ebony and there's this pause where they all stare off into the distance and smirk - even Sasha, which gives me concern over his probable proclivities - and then all drink a toast to Ebony and it's awesome and beautiful and I love it.

Now they're having drunken roller-blade races and Bray is trying to make Sasha have a go on his skateboard. Sasha's like, "Ummm... no," and Bray is getting all mocky and Sasha's like, "Oh, I'm really sorry to disappoint you, I guess I'll just go have really loud obnoxious sex with Amber now!" and Bray's like, *sad cries*. Hee!

The moral of this story is that if you ever get the urge to watch the Tribe right after watching Tin Man, you probably shouldn't.

( Follow the Yellow Brick Road... of DOOM! )

To be continued... whenever.

So I'm watching the Tribe, and there's this one scene that's really bothering me.* It's that scene where Trudy goes into labour and Amber asks the kids to get some clean rags and they come back with Zandra's patchwork blanket and say it's all they can find, and I'm like, really? Because, aren't they in a homewares shop, with all the beds and sofas and stuff?

And I really doubt that when the Locos and the Demon Dogs were marauding across the city, Zoot was all like, "And loot me some 2K thread count Egyptian cotton sheets!" and then some poor Loco came back with Percale and Zoot threw a hissy fit and had them thrown off a roof or something and then Trudy was all, "Okay, I've just realised you're totally fucking mental!" and left and that was the real story of how Percale sheets made Martin evil and Bray made up the whole thing about their dead parents being the trigger because he thought the truth made Martin sound kind of gay.

*Actually, a lot about it is really bothering me, not least of all my overwhelming shame at watching the Tribe in the first place, but never mind