...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Writing covering letters for your CV is hard and boring. Let's talk about the Shield instead!

So, this is where I am up to:

• the Sour Dude, who was supposed to be the main boss except everyone voted for the Bald Man because they love him best, send an Evil Blond Spy to take down the Bald Man.
  
  
• Luckily Zito from Miami Vice warned the Bald Man that the Evil Blond Spy was a robot, so the Bald Man shot him.
  
  
• The Bald Man's boyfriend (who is Boyd Crowder, check it out, I learnt another name!) is really upset that the Bald Man killed a guy, I guess because he doesn't know that the Evil Blond Spy was a robot or something. So Boyd is all sad and stuff, and the Bald Man is just like, "Get over it."
  
  
• Poor Boyd Crowder can't even talk to anyone else about his Evil Blond Spy-killing angst, because the other two guys in Bald Man's Crime Army (I will call them "Tall" and "Quiet") don't know about it.
  
  
• Sour Dude pretty much knows that the Bald Man took out the Evil Blond Spy, but he can't prove anything, so he just goes around being dead sour at the Bald Man, who is like, "Whatever."
  
  
• Zito is also pretty mad at the Bald Man for shooting the robot, but he can't do anything because he's the Bald Man's slave or something.
  
  
• The Girl One's partner is gay, but he doesn't want to be so he is doing that crazy Gayness Cure thing they have in America. The Girl One is like, "That's crazy and it doesn't work, haven't you seen that episode of South Park?" but I guess Gayness Cure doesn't watch South Park because he isn't listening.
  
  
• In the meantime, CCH Pounder's friend is in love with the Girl One (she's the only girl in the show except for CCH Pounder, and so far she hasn't done anything to distinguish herself other than be a girl, so her name is the Girl One for now) but the Girl One is already having a secret affair with the Bald Man, so she's like, "Go away."
  
  
• So CCH Pounder's friend is trying to be the Bald Man's main enemy, but he's pretty rubbish at everything except being a detective, so the Bald Man mostly just thinks he's weird and vaguely annoying. CCH Pounder is basically like, "Stop trying to be enemies with the Bald Man, you'll just end up being the Lindsey and then you'll be killed by a karoke-singing green demon and everyone will laugh at you" but her friend isn't listening so she put poo in his desk. I think if someone had cared enough to put poo in Lindsey's desk way back in season one, it would have spared him a lot of heartache later.

I think that's everything so far. I went to a show last night, but it sucked. I would rather have stayed at home and watched the adventures of the Bald Man. Probably that is what I will do tonight.

I went to see Fright Night yesterday. FAILED SO HARD, you guys. I think Colin Farrell and I are now on the path to major, final breakup. The dialogue wasn't funny or clever, the comedic timing was way off (and jesus, you have the Tenth Doctor, the star of In Bruges, and Red Mist all playing major roles, how do you get all three of them to somehow not be hilarious?) there was no plot to speak of and basically everyone was a complete window-licking dullard. Also, Jerry semephored that he was a vampire so hard, that even if you were the kind of person who automatically discounts "oh, he's a vampire" as an explanation for neighbour-based weirdness, you would still think he was a massive creeposaurus.

Also, Colin Farrell's vampire form was this massive fake-head thing that make him look like the kid from Battle Dib. Every time he turned into it, part of me was expecting him to start screaming "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNKKKK!" and beating Jailbait Chekov with an over-sized cotton wool bud. The only bits that raised a smile was whenever Jerry got really badly injured, he would do this weird "epilectic on meth" seizure dance thing.

At least it was only an hour and a half long. Even so, it felt like marathoning all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings back-to-back, except for the bit where Lord of the Rings was entertaining. What a waste of talent - in the time they used filming this piece of shit, Colin Farrell and David Tennant could have made one decent film each. That's two decent films that will never get made now. Red Mist and Jailbait Chekov could probably have made something less epicly retarded.

And yes, this is coming from someone who rates Lost Boys 3: the Thirst as a solid three out of five. Well done, Colin Farrell - you just rated lower than a straight-to-video Corey Feldman movie. You must be so proud.

There was a trailer for this new Hugh Jackman movie that appears to be about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I do not understand. Tintin looks shit, the Puss in Boots movie looks superfluous, and for some reason Disney is showing the Lion King in 3D and marketing it as "for the first time ever!" Christ, just admit that you've run out of ideas, Disney. Paranormal Whatever 3 looks like an over-long cut of the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural, and the new Sherlock Holmes movie looks alright.

In other news, I have been catching up on Carnivale - the creepiest thing about Evander Geddes isn't that he suffocates little kids with plaster of paris just so he can take casts of their death agonies - it's that bit where he explains to Ben that his objective is "to capture the soul". Because in Carnivale, that is TOTALLY FEASIBLE. Urgh!

I have been watching the Shield, too - thus far, I rate it "quite good." Possibly I will write more when I know people's names. So far all I know is CCH Pounder, who is in everything. She is a police lady. She does police things. Her partner is kind of a spaz, but is quite good at detectoring. There is a bald man. The bald man is basically in charge. He has three little friends who are like his Crime Army. There's another dude who I think is supposed to be in charge, but everyone hates him and likes the bald man best. The other dude is pretty sour about it. CCH Pounder and her spaz-detecting friend don't seem to care either way - they just like to detect stuff. I don't know. I might be wrong.