...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Dozed off watching the walking dead, woke up to mike actually sobbing because merle died and heartbroken daryl dixon is heart breaking. Silent hills getting canned may have been a blessing in disguise, since the whole game was likely to be about a sad norman reedus being made even more sad.

Oooooh, but corporate retreat is helping the show redeem itself! Mostly because simon, but still.

Guysguysguys! I have to tell you about this AMAZING film I have discovered. It is about Crixus fighting DEVIL COWS and it is called "Crixus versus Devil Cows"* and it is perfect!

Okay, so it has one teeny tiny flaw, and that flaw is that for the whole first five minutes, there is NO CRIXUS, but instead there is this crazy old king dude who wears a SERIOUSLY mad hat and he monologues hammily and brilliantly (not in an amnoying way like some anthony hopkinses I could mention) and then I think he falls down a hole with the devil cows, but like, for no reason - one minute him and his mad hat are monologuing crazily, then BAM, in a hole.

Okay, so after that we are in a desert, I guess, and Crixus and a dude are gonna steal some stuff from like, a bald wizard dude, but not bald in an actually scary evil way like Voldemort, he's just some old bald dude who is REALLY camp and over the top at villain-being. And Crixus is basically like "yay wacky adventure time!" and dudes this is so terrible, I think Crixus is trying to be like, cool and funny in like a Han Solo, Indiana Jones action hero-y way, but it's so weird and hes so bad at it!

Also the wizard dude is hilariously useless, like Crixus has an invisibility cloak and the wizard dude is like "what's that?" and Crixus is all, "its my invisibility cloak, I glowered at three English teenagers until they wept and handed it over, it was really funny!" and then he puts it on and, obviously, he's invisible, but the wizard dude TOTALLY freaks out, like "YARG ARGH WHAT IS HAPPENING!" and like, one, its an invisibily cloak, not an eldritch abomination from beyond the cosmos, don't be such a fucking pussy, and two, Crixus literally just told you it was an invisibility cloak, and while he does have a fairly noticable kiwi accent, it's not as if he's hard to understand, pay attention!

Oh, and right before he vanishes, Crixus sticks his tongue out at the dude. No word of a lie. It was worth the £3 I spent on this DVD purely for that moment. Actually, if the dude was as busy going "what the fuck Crixus!" as I was, it's probably not suprising that he missed the bit of info about the cloak.

And there's a dude with piranha teeth and a really obviously painted-on boat on a really obviously painted-on sea, and there is a truly terrible fight scene where I think Crixus genuinely got jabbed in the eye coz either his eyes are watering or Sinbad is a huge pussy.

Then he goes to an island on his awesomely fake ship and some of his dudes die and he's trying to have "my best bro is dead I will avenge him" sadtimes but dude, you're not in Spartacus right now, sack up.

Then he pranks a demonic monster cow into falling down a hole, which is fucking hilarious, then some more of his dudes die and there's more of him crying and vowing to kill dudes, then he goes nuts and just starts hopping about like an epileptic on meth for no reason.

And then, and this is the most beautiful bit of this whole beautiful film, the dudes on the island turn into zombie cow mutant hybrids!

So then the rest of the movie is Crixus battling all this cow-zombie dudes (maybe werecows is a better description?) and jumping off shit, which he loves to do, and eventually all his dudes are dead, and all the zombie werecows are dead, oh and the wizard and the piranha dude are dead because I guess they were there too for some reason, and then it's the end.

Oh and I guess I should warn you, in the last scene he's looking at this bird and the bird is not Naevia or even Naevia 2 and it's pretty gross but it gets worse because OH MY GOD THEY'RE KISSING THAT'S WRONG SHE IS NOT EITHER OF THE NAEVIAS NO CRIXUS THAT'S A BAD CRIXUS.

So basically, it is a terrible, terrible film, and I love it, and you all need to watch it and basically write me INSANE crossover fanfiction that explains why Crixus essentially took a year off from fighting slavery to go to an island and fight zombie cows. Bonus points for Spartacus 2 being super judgemental about a gap year plan that involves werecows and magic items more suitable for highschoolers.

*Possibly it is called Sinbad and the Minotaur, but my title does a better job of selling the movie.

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Apparently, Jared Leto is in space now. Hopefully this means production is finally underway for Alexander: a Space Opera, and by this time next year we can all enjoy Colin Farrell battling evil Persian robot-aliens on the big screen.

I actually think this will work better than an Alexander zombie AU, because while Colin Farrell would no doubt aquit himself MAGNIFICENTLY against the shambling undead, I sspect Jared Leto would just start screaming like a girl at his first glimpse of reanimated corpse carnage.

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So I rang up this morning and I have my grave-digging job interview on Friday. Was talking to Johnny about the difficulty I'm having trying to decide what to wear - the usual interview dress/suit jacket/high heels, or something practical that says I can get down and dirty and dig holes to put bodies in with the best of them. His advice was "Whatever you do, don't wear that dress you've got with the zombies on." My response? "Which one?"

Yes, this will be the perfect job for me. Ten quid an hour and all the revenants I can raise.

I hate all of you who are not writing me Eerie Indiana fanfiction right now, just so you know. I got a ForeverWare t-shirt for my birthday (best brothers EVER, although Johnny somewhat ruined the moment by giving me another one with a cartoon of Ozymandias chucking Daddy Winchester out of a window, nice) and I need to wear it and read exciting new fanfiction and there isn't any and basically you all suck and probably you're zombies or something.

Also, I have allowed myself to be seduced back into watching Justified so I have massive shame. Massive, battered-fangirl shame. I need therapy or something. Actually, I have Franklin and Bash on DVD, probably Zack Morris is better than therapy. I will test this theory and go and watch it right now, in fact!

Jesus fucking Christ, will someone please either teach Jared Padalecki how to act or kill him? You've been the leading actor on a major show for six fucking years now, STOP SQUINTING WHENEVER YOU GET A LINE! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE POOPING YOUR PANTS!

Also, check out all these bitter little Campbells souring it up aganst Dean just because he has beautiful Daddy Winchester genes and they're jealous because they only have dumb old Campbell genes. They only like Sam because he's fugly like them.

I still love Bobby and Cas and Crowley. Castiel's deadpan little "Yes, your problems come first" was awesome.

I still have not found the courage to watch Teen Wolf yet. The main guy is so unhot and it just looks so lame. I have Sky+'d all the episodes, but cannot work up the nerve to gaze upon them with my valuable eyes.

Oh, Lee made it back unzombied, by the way. I'm kind of worried about how he's going to react to life with us - his parents have a parental lock on his laptop that makes it shut down at 9pm and his phone has it's internet disabled. Johnny and I, on the other hand, saw IT at ages nine and six respectively, because our parents taped it for us. He's either going to love it here and Charlie is going to have a heart attack when he comes back, or he'll be crying for his parents within a week.

My mum just let my fifteen-year-old cousin, who has never been to the Isle of Man before, go for a bike ride, alone, along our crumbling, badly-signposted, extremely windy coastal footpaths. He's totally going to come back dead - an Isle of Man zombie, doomed to remain here in perpetual torment, denied even the sweet release of the final death.

And no, before anyone starts, he can't do a Pirates of the Caribbean and just walk along the bottom of the ocean to return to civilization, because while it worked for zombies back in the powdered-wig days, today the seas are just too polluted and would strip his fragile zombie flesh from his bones in under an hour.

I suppose he could ride a jetski to the mainland, though. OH MY GOD, zombies on jetskis - best idea for a TV show ever.

Oh you guys. I just saw a movie that had Shawn Farrell from the 4400 in it, except instead of being beautiful and earnest, he was torturing dudes and generally being horrible in a non-entertaining way. OH SHAWN! What would your beloved Uncle Tommy say?!

Also, I have been reading the Locke and Key comics - I heard about them initially because beautiful Nick Stahl was supposed to be in a TV series based on it, being beautiful and probably doing some other stuff that I may or may not have cared about, but Fox didn't pick it up so now we'll never know. That aside, the comics themselves are really good - without giving anything away, a family moves into a big old house with loads of locked rooms and cupboards, and if the right person opens the right door with the right key, magical shit happens. If I say much more I will totally ruin it for you, but it's awesome and you guys should watch it.

On the subject of Nick Stahl, none of you are talking about Carnivale enough. This makes me cross. White Collar dudes, you should also be watching it because it has Tim DeKay in it aswell. Don't make Liamneeson send you to hell with all the Twin Peaks-ignoring rejects.

One last thing - I mentioned a while ago that I'd been reading a book about a zombie PI who went around fighting crime, which was cool, and having a non-zombie girlfriend, which was not cool, even if saying so makes me a racist. I just finished the third book, and the girlfriend is pregnant, which is so horrible I don't even want to discuss it, but I keep reading because it's full of these little scraps of meta-humour that make me smile. Case in point:

'Before we could start toward them, the front door opened and a teenage boy with mussed hair and a pouty expression walked in. He had the elongated canines of the Bloodborn, but his skin gave off a glimmering sheen.

A couple of bald, overly muscled, heavily tattooed vampires clad in scuffed leather snarled at the sight of the luminous teen. They rose from their chairs, stalked toward him, flanked him on either side, grabbed hold of his arms, lifted him off the floor, and started escorting him back toward the door.

"Hey, take it easy, guys!" the teen whined. "It's not my fault I sparkle!"

The biker vampires laughed as they left the bar, and the iron door slammed ominously shut behind them.'

Well played, Tim Waggoner. Very well played, and vastly superiour to that piece-of-shit Supernatural parody that offended my precious eyes last week. If they ever made a Nekropolis TV show, I would watch it.

As long as there was no overt zombie/regular person smooching. I have my limits.

DUDES! Why did nobody tell me Beautiful Adrian Pasdar was going to be in Castle? What a bunch of sours you all are. Now I missed part two and I have to try and find it again and it's very bad.

Also, I finally got around to watching the Walking Dead and it started off seeming quite good but then a spider ran across the floor and freaked me out so the rest of the show was tainted by my spider-hatred so I don't really have an opinion, except that I quite like the Chinese guy who wears a hat and the arrow-shooting redneck guy*.

*Not the super-crazy redneck guy who was in the first episode; his marginally more socially-acceptable brother who showed up later and got all hilariously indignant about the zombie eating his deer.