...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Guysguysguys! I have to tell you about this AMAZING film I have discovered. It is about Crixus fighting DEVIL COWS and it is called "Crixus versus Devil Cows"* and it is perfect!

Okay, so it has one teeny tiny flaw, and that flaw is that for the whole first five minutes, there is NO CRIXUS, but instead there is this crazy old king dude who wears a SERIOUSLY mad hat and he monologues hammily and brilliantly (not in an amnoying way like some anthony hopkinses I could mention) and then I think he falls down a hole with the devil cows, but like, for no reason - one minute him and his mad hat are monologuing crazily, then BAM, in a hole.

Okay, so after that we are in a desert, I guess, and Crixus and a dude are gonna steal some stuff from like, a bald wizard dude, but not bald in an actually scary evil way like Voldemort, he's just some old bald dude who is REALLY camp and over the top at villain-being. And Crixus is basically like "yay wacky adventure time!" and dudes this is so terrible, I think Crixus is trying to be like, cool and funny in like a Han Solo, Indiana Jones action hero-y way, but it's so weird and hes so bad at it!

Also the wizard dude is hilariously useless, like Crixus has an invisibility cloak and the wizard dude is like "what's that?" and Crixus is all, "its my invisibility cloak, I glowered at three English teenagers until they wept and handed it over, it was really funny!" and then he puts it on and, obviously, he's invisible, but the wizard dude TOTALLY freaks out, like "YARG ARGH WHAT IS HAPPENING!" and like, one, its an invisibily cloak, not an eldritch abomination from beyond the cosmos, don't be such a fucking pussy, and two, Crixus literally just told you it was an invisibility cloak, and while he does have a fairly noticable kiwi accent, it's not as if he's hard to understand, pay attention!

Oh, and right before he vanishes, Crixus sticks his tongue out at the dude. No word of a lie. It was worth the £3 I spent on this DVD purely for that moment. Actually, if the dude was as busy going "what the fuck Crixus!" as I was, it's probably not suprising that he missed the bit of info about the cloak.

And there's a dude with piranha teeth and a really obviously painted-on boat on a really obviously painted-on sea, and there is a truly terrible fight scene where I think Crixus genuinely got jabbed in the eye coz either his eyes are watering or Sinbad is a huge pussy.

Then he goes to an island on his awesomely fake ship and some of his dudes die and he's trying to have "my best bro is dead I will avenge him" sadtimes but dude, you're not in Spartacus right now, sack up.

Then he pranks a demonic monster cow into falling down a hole, which is fucking hilarious, then some more of his dudes die and there's more of him crying and vowing to kill dudes, then he goes nuts and just starts hopping about like an epileptic on meth for no reason.

And then, and this is the most beautiful bit of this whole beautiful film, the dudes on the island turn into zombie cow mutant hybrids!

So then the rest of the movie is Crixus battling all this cow-zombie dudes (maybe werecows is a better description?) and jumping off shit, which he loves to do, and eventually all his dudes are dead, and all the zombie werecows are dead, oh and the wizard and the piranha dude are dead because I guess they were there too for some reason, and then it's the end.

Oh and I guess I should warn you, in the last scene he's looking at this bird and the bird is not Naevia or even Naevia 2 and it's pretty gross but it gets worse because OH MY GOD THEY'RE KISSING THAT'S WRONG SHE IS NOT EITHER OF THE NAEVIAS NO CRIXUS THAT'S A BAD CRIXUS.

So basically, it is a terrible, terrible film, and I love it, and you all need to watch it and basically write me INSANE crossover fanfiction that explains why Crixus essentially took a year off from fighting slavery to go to an island and fight zombie cows. Bonus points for Spartacus 2 being super judgemental about a gap year plan that involves werecows and magic items more suitable for highschoolers.

*Possibly it is called Sinbad and the Minotaur, but my title does a better job of selling the movie.

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Whenever Erskine Ravel shows up in a Skullduggery Pleasant book, I always imagine him as Colin Farrell, but like, wearing a hat. The addition of a hat tones down his raw masculinity while at the same time increasing his classiness level to the point where he can be the king of all the sorcerers in Ireland.

So basically if someone had just thought to give Colin Farrell a hat when Voldamort first started fucking shit up, I wouldn't have had to slog through those last two books, and instead of the Harry Potter franchise, there would have been one ninety minute movie in which Colin Farrell shouted "Unforgivable curse?!" *punch* "No, don't bother!" and saved the world from Death Eaters and Daniel Radcliffe's "acting". And then flew away into space on a unicorn, because he's that fucking amazing, especially in a hat.

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I am trying to read the last Harry Potter book, but it's slow going because OH GOD I DON'T CARE.

I watched the (three? four? however many there were between the one where Cedric died and the last one where Neville kills a snake) movies I'd missed at a friends' over the weekend, and I'd forgotten massive chunks of the story, so I thought I would finally see how it ended and then maybe do a full reread, but now I remember why I stopped in the first place because THEY ARE ALL SO ANNOYING.

On the plus side, we also found a download for the entire series of the Weekenders, which is just as awesome as I remember and aside from afew references to Leonardo DiCaprio as a teen heartthrob, barely shows its age at all. So actually I think I may give tDeathly Hallows up as a bad job, and watch twelve year old.cartoons.instead. Later days!

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It turned out I wasn't sick after all - I was having an allergic reaction to a new perfume Hayley was trying out. Buzz and Johnny had the exact same reactions - once she'd washed it off, Buzz and I were fine, but poor Johnny has ended up with a rash on one side of his face, presumably because of the three of us, he's the only one sharing a bed with her.

It's a shame, because based on the first few whiffs I got before my airways closed up and my lips turned blue, it actually smelt pretty good. I would have been tempted to buy a bottle if it didn't induce hideous death within minutes of inhalation.

Anyway, I went to see Harry Potter, and it was... okay. I should say at this point that I haven't read the last book, and I've missed at least one, probably two of the films, so I was a bit lost on some stuff. Like, what the fuck is going on with abused wife!Lucius? Oh Lucius, what happened to you?! You were always my favourite, with your snarky tone and sneery face and silky hair and general magnificent bastardry, and now... you guys, he's the Harry Potter franchise equivilent to Butters from South Park. Seriously dudes, Draco is cooler than him now.

Also, for the record, if I ever come across some dude who is dying, I really hope he doesn't ( Read more... )

Neville was the man, of course, and Professor McGonagall once again proved conclusively that you do not fuck with Maggie Smith - she fucks with you.

I love Helena Bonham Carter so much. I want to lick her face. I bet she would taste like epic, mixed with crazygold. I loved that bit when ( Read more... ) and the tottering on her high heels was hilarious. And while I love her outfit, I'm not sure that it's practical when having a big old slaughter-the-little-children-fest in a magical forest. Then again, I've never killed a bunch of teenagers in a forest or anywhere else, so what do I know?

I thought Ralph Fiennes actually kind of sucked as Voldermort, but then maybe it's hard to emote with half your face edited off. There's a scene where he goes all aggro on some random Death Eater and shrieks out that killing curse thing, and it's completely phoned in. I was like, oh please, Voldermort - I get angrier than that when I find out someone has eaten the last packet of blueberries! I could totally be a better villian than him, and I would let poor Jason Isaacs get his shave on, too. What a douchebag.

Anyway dudes, that's my thoughts on the last ever HP movie - I'm going to go take a shower and then watch Peter Pan and enjoy Jason Isaacs being appropriately piratey and beautiful and well-groomed.

Fuckssake. I think I'm starting to get sick - my throat is all sore and tight, my eyes are watering, and I just found (refound?) a load of Twin Peaks slash in my favourites list but I cannot work up the energy to read any of it. And we just got tickets to see the new Harry Potter movie on Sunday. WHATEVER.

I think I'll print off my porn, go take a shower and then emotionally blackmail the Prawn into building up the fire for me by hanging around him looking mournful until he asks me what's wrong.

GOD, LIFE. Stop making it hard to enjoy things that normally I would love! I have a Toffee Crisp here and I want to partake of it's delicious crispy, toffee-y, chocolatey goodness but I am afraid it will STAB ME WITH DAGGERS OF PAIN IN MY MOUTH.

Well, we didn't have to go to the Pig Show thing, thank God. I only like pigs if they are used to eat up human remains, and then only if they are in the care of a Chinese dude whose knowledge of the English language consists solely of the word "cocksucker".

So we went to York instead and walked around the National Railway Museum for about a hundred and forty years (I am totally not kidding, I'm pretty sure I died of old age twice while I was in there) and then we went "shopping," which pretty much means Mama Froodle dragged me around these ludicrously expensive and for the most part entirely ugly clothing stores and wittered at me about getting "a nice pair of flatties" and "some glamorous tops" - I should note at this point that to my mother, glamour equates to shoulder pads and sequins - and Papa Froodle jibbed on about getting me a digital camera, while I tried in vain to point out that books and DVDs and nice things from Lush, or, if we're talking big-ticket items, a sofa that is not held together with scotch tape and the Will of God, would be much more welcome.

Dudes, do anyone elses parents do that? Like, totally ignore what you actually want and what would actually be useful to you, and buy you random shit because they think you should want it, even after you've explained that you don't and in fact, have no use for it? Is this a normal parental thing or are my folks total freaks?

Anyway, we went to ASK for lunch, which was nice, although they felt compelled to lecture the waiter about how much better the Isle of Man is than England (LIE!) and then to Betty's for tea, and I got some China Rose Petal tea in a tin which was awesome, and then we came home.

In a little bit I might go and wash my face and then see if I feel like going to see the new Harry Potter movie - I kind of actually don't care at all about Harry Potter now, but the Froodle Brothers have abandoned me to go sky-diving and I fear the alternative is an evening with the parental units trying to explain that no, "I would like to watch Battlestar Galactica in peace" is not code for "Feel free to change the channel to that stupid cycling thing," failing, and then shoving them off the balcony in a fit of temper.

Movie Meme

The rules

-- Pick one dozen movies that are ones that you have special feelings about.
-- Pick a few lines of dialogue.
-- As people guess the film, strike out that entry.
-- After the film is guessed, explain why that movie made the list.
( Read more... )

Many random pieces of information today:

1) The bloke that played Gavin (annoying lawyer type who had the audacity to try and replace Lindsey and got turned into a zombie for his trouble) in Angel was in Spiderman 2. Only for like, a second, but it made me say "Hey, that's Gavin!" And nobody else knew who he was and it was like Penn being in SWAT all over again and I felt sad.

2) Speaking of ickle Lindsey, check out the latest KANE newsletter:

From: KaneTeamers@aol.com

KANE are back playing another show at 1650 CLUB in Hollywood!
This time we're reteaming with Shooter Jennings. Hide the Jack Daniels and lock in your daughters. It's gonna be a wild one...

Thursday, August 19th, 2004
9:00pm Pen 15 Club
10:00pm KANE
11:00pm SHOOTER JENNINGS BAND
all at: 1650 Club (formerly Vinyl)
1650 N. Schrader @ Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA.
$10.00
age 21+ only please (sorry)

also... we are considering taking the band to the UK for a few shows the first week of November. Please drop us a line if you would be interested in seeing us there. Nothing fancy... just let us know you would come out.

What are you waiting for? Fucking email them!

3) Totally unrelated, and probably quite old news to most people who would actually care, but it seems Blaise Zabini, the "missing Slytherin", has an official gender.

Oooh! Lupin and Sirius day today. Feeeeel their canonical love.

In other news... I have no other news. Still haven't finished packing. Still too hot. Also sleepy.

Watched 'Cambridge Spies' last night - Sam West's bizarre conversation about socks is made even stranger by the fact that it takes place while he's in bed with another man.

Have just got back from second showing of Prisoner of Azkaban. Had to fight down the urge to scream "You cancelled Angel! You get no thanks!" at the giant WB logo at the start of the film. The Miriglum and I amused ourselves during the adverts and trailers by playing the David Boreanaz game - essentially, pointing out how including DB could make something better. Needless to say, I totally walked into an Angel is Fat joke when the Lurpack advert was shown. Goddamn Lurpack.

Also saw the trailer for the new Garfield movie: there is no God.

Further Harry Potter-related ponderage:

I really feel Alfonso Cuaron is playing the story for laughs in places where it doesn't fit. The scene with Aunt Marge, for example.

I'd also like to know where Harry lives that his local park isn't full of druggies and drop-outs at night.

The skinniness of Neville is just wrong.

Emma Thompson is incredibly disappointing as Trelawney. Which is sad, because I was expecting much from her. Le sigh.

Draco's origami love-note. What the hell? Does he have weather-predicting powers now or something?

Deadric Ciggory being hit by lightening. Ha!

"The spiders, they want me to tap-dance. I don't want to tap-dance!"
"You tell those spiders, Ron."
Aww, such cuteness. I love Ron.