...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

I went to see Fright Night yesterday. FAILED SO HARD, you guys. I think Colin Farrell and I are now on the path to major, final breakup. The dialogue wasn't funny or clever, the comedic timing was way off (and jesus, you have the Tenth Doctor, the star of In Bruges, and Red Mist all playing major roles, how do you get all three of them to somehow not be hilarious?) there was no plot to speak of and basically everyone was a complete window-licking dullard. Also, Jerry semephored that he was a vampire so hard, that even if you were the kind of person who automatically discounts "oh, he's a vampire" as an explanation for neighbour-based weirdness, you would still think he was a massive creeposaurus.

Also, Colin Farrell's vampire form was this massive fake-head thing that make him look like the kid from Battle Dib. Every time he turned into it, part of me was expecting him to start screaming "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNKKKK!" and beating Jailbait Chekov with an over-sized cotton wool bud. The only bits that raised a smile was whenever Jerry got really badly injured, he would do this weird "epilectic on meth" seizure dance thing.

At least it was only an hour and a half long. Even so, it felt like marathoning all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings back-to-back, except for the bit where Lord of the Rings was entertaining. What a waste of talent - in the time they used filming this piece of shit, Colin Farrell and David Tennant could have made one decent film each. That's two decent films that will never get made now. Red Mist and Jailbait Chekov could probably have made something less epicly retarded.

And yes, this is coming from someone who rates Lost Boys 3: the Thirst as a solid three out of five. Well done, Colin Farrell - you just rated lower than a straight-to-video Corey Feldman movie. You must be so proud.

There was a trailer for this new Hugh Jackman movie that appears to be about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I do not understand. Tintin looks shit, the Puss in Boots movie looks superfluous, and for some reason Disney is showing the Lion King in 3D and marketing it as "for the first time ever!" Christ, just admit that you've run out of ideas, Disney. Paranormal Whatever 3 looks like an over-long cut of the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural, and the new Sherlock Holmes movie looks alright.

In other news, I have been catching up on Carnivale - the creepiest thing about Evander Geddes isn't that he suffocates little kids with plaster of paris just so he can take casts of their death agonies - it's that bit where he explains to Ben that his objective is "to capture the soul". Because in Carnivale, that is TOTALLY FEASIBLE. Urgh!

I have been watching the Shield, too - thus far, I rate it "quite good." Possibly I will write more when I know people's names. So far all I know is CCH Pounder, who is in everything. She is a police lady. She does police things. Her partner is kind of a spaz, but is quite good at detectoring. There is a bald man. The bald man is basically in charge. He has three little friends who are like his Crime Army. There's another dude who I think is supposed to be in charge, but everyone hates him and likes the bald man best. The other dude is pretty sour about it. CCH Pounder and her spaz-detecting friend don't seem to care either way - they just like to detect stuff. I don't know. I might be wrong.

OH GOD I love that Peter Pan movie! I mean, I was already aware of this fact since it's shelved on the top lefthand side of my DVD collection, which is where I stack my most-loved stuff for easy acess, but I just watched it again and it's like ALL OF MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO GET ENOUGH DISTANCE ON THIS FILM SO THAT I CAN WATCH IT AGAIN AND HAVE ALL OF MY LOVE COME FLOODING BACK TO ME!

Jeremy Sumpter is so awesome, you guys. I sometimes totally forget about him because I am too busy admiring the wonderfulness of Jason Isaacs, but he is a fucking amazing actor. That bit right at the end where Hook lets the crocodile eat him, and as he resigns himself to his fate there's a shot of Peter closing his eyes and saluting with his sword, and it is magnificent and wonderful and just so great I have no words!

What happened to Jeremy Sumpter, anyway? I kind of assumed he would go on to be in like eight million things after Peter Pan, but I never saw him again. Has anyone else seen him in something other than Peter Pan? I demand to know why he is not currently improving the quality of the many TV shows I watch by appearing in them and actually portraying emotion and stuff. Shame on you, Jeremy Sumpter, you'd better not be fucking dead or appearing on reality TV or something else hideous and awful!

Also, I saw the trailer for the new Sherlock Holmes movie, and apart from inexplicable Rocky Horror!Downey Junior, it looked pretty good. I normally want to kill Jude Law, but RDJ has this weird super-power where he makes normally unbearable people slightly tolerable by his presence - see also Gweneth Paltrow in the Iron Man movies.

One more thing that I completely love that has nothing to do with the rest of this post - that bit in Twin Peaks where those Swedish dudes come to stay at the Great Northern and they make loads of noise and wake Cooper up, and he's super pissy and ranting into his little dictaphone thing to Diane about it and after he asks for her to send him earplugs, he's like "I didn't expect to need them on this trip, but as you can hear..." and he holds the recorder up in complete silence for a few seconds to record the noise and then he clicks it off in this really definitive, "so there!" kind of way, and all the way through the scene he has this AWESOMELY grumpy face on him and it's BRILLIANT.

I just wanted to share that with you all. I love Agent Cooper's grumpy face. One day I hope my grumpy face can reach such heights of grumpiness. It is unlikely, but still something to strive for.

Is LJ doing anyone else's head in? Every time I try to log in or view a page, it takes like eleventy-billion years to load, if it loads at all.

There needs to be a t-shirt that says "the only straight I do is straight-up bitch". I feel a bit annoyed with the intarwebs for not having produced such a thing already. Stop sucking, intarwebs!

It rained ALL DAY today, so I stayed inside and made chocolate and pecan cookies and watched Eerie Indiana (the ultimate rainy day viewing) then about four o'clock the sun finally showed it's face so I grabbed my shoes and went out. It was absolutely gorgeous, I walked on the headland and there were baby rabbits and baby lambs, and there was this one twenty-metre stretch that was just covered in bluebells - I could hardly see the grass, it was just a carpet of this gorgeous purple-blue colour - and the late afternoon sun was low over the sea and so the waves were golden, and there was a bit of a breeze so it blew little flecks of salt into the air and I could taste it as I walked. It was amazing!

Then I came back and watched the Guy Richie Sherlock Holmes movie, and my mum just yelled that only three of the cookies are left and I haven't had any yet so I'm going down to lay claim to them now, so goodnight!

In this latest installment of Froodle's Adventures in Jurisprudence, I learned that Dworkin created a kind of super-judge, with unlimited time, resources and knowledge, to be the Ultimate Force in Judgehood. His name was Hercules.

Yeah. Seriously.

Rest of the lecture was spent fantasing about the adventures of Super Judge, as, muscles bulging from beneath form-fitting spandex, cape blowing attractively in a non-existant breeze, coiffed judgin' wig perched atop his ruggedly handsome visage, he travels the country, righting legal wrongs and beating the crap out of Lord Denning. Man, that would be so cool. I'm totally putting Super Judge in my movie.

We have a new Evidence lecturer. He hypnotised me with his checked pink and white shirt and blue tie with pink polka dots. He started talking about brown shoes and all I could think of was James D'Arcy in "Case of Evil" where he goes all fashion critic on Token Love Interest. Silly James D'Arcy. His power is to make time move at an incredibly slow rate. I know this not only because the previous century went by faster than his one-hour lecture, but because Steve's dictaphone got all fucked up and only recorded 25 minutes. Take heed! The dictaphone warns us!

About the lecturer, not James D'Arcy.

Previously on Froodle: I was too busy grumbling about that damn spider to mention Corey Feldman was in Big Wolf on Campus last night. Damn, he's all shades of hot. I want to watch the Lost Boys again.

Van Helsing: The London Assignment is wonderful. Gabriel being molested by the Queen is like Lindsey getting his hand cut off: just never stops being funny. Carl in drag, (hereafter refered to as 'Dragimir') whining about the shade of lip rouge and the tightness of his corset, is the stuff of legend.

Like most people who've watched it, I take issue with it only being half an hour long - I know that's all it took to tell the story, but for £10, I feel like we should have gotten another 'episode' or whatever. Still, wasn't my money, so, meh.

The CGI was pretty bad in places, but not on the scale of, say, Treasure Planet, Underworld or the Richard Roxburgh version of Hound of the Baskervilles. Or even the VH movie itself.

Now, time for me to have a bath, then curl up in bed and watch 'Return of the King'. Or more accurately, all ROTK scenes with Merry and/or Pippin in. Which means it'll be about forty minutes long.

I feel conflicted.

On the one hand, I genuinely believe that the BBC are a bunch of greedy fucking whores who want nothing better than to violate me in intimate and long-lasting ways. Which, as anyone who knows me well can tell you, is my way of saying that I really resent paying for a TV license when the only good show the BBC has is 'My Family'.

On the other hand, it's Sherlock Holmes, and I can justify it by saying that it's BBC Radio and therefore not affiliated with the grasping fucks who try to steal my money every year for the 'joy' of getting to see such classic shows as 'Test the Nation's IQ' and 'National Lottery: In To Win It'.

The Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Abergavenny Murder. Go. Listen. Lust.

My personal favourite:

Holmes: Can you tell how he died? (or words to that effect)
Watson: Not without an autopsy.
Holmes: Shall I clear the table?
Watson: For pity's sake, Holmes!

Also, look out for the strawberry jam line; it's an instant classic.

Although that bit with the tea at the very start reminded me of the vultures in Disney's 'The Jungle Book'. I was sitting here thinking, "If Watson says 'Now don't start that again,' I am so out of here." Selina, I know this is your fault - you're the only one to mention the Jungle Book to me in the last, oh, five years?

Not to steal your schtick, Hex, but I had to share...

The Domesday Books, an absolutely hilarious Sherlock Holmes parody-type-thing. Go. Read. You might also want to check out her fantabulistic Van Helsing slash fic, Possessions. Van Helsing/Sidekickimir, naturally.

And on that same note, "Shut up, Carl!" Of course, the first time I saw it, I thought the censorship bar was a book in Carl's hand, or maybe an information leaflet or something. Which was bloody strange.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I ruptured my spleen laughing over 'Cocaine fiend in a stupid hat!' Oww.

Have I mentioned how much I loathe telemarketers? Because I really do. With the hate of a thousand smaller hatreds.

In more pleasant news, have been watching 'The Master Blackmailer' with Jeremy Brett. In the bath. Also, being an Irish plumber. It was all shades of cool.

Did I mention, bath scene?

I'm going to start a list of all cool films with cool bath scenes.

1: From Hell
2: The Master Blackmailer

Hmm... this leads me to conclude that I don't watch enough films with gratuitous bathing scenes.

And no, that scene with Micheal in 'Peter Pan' emphatically does not count.

I am filled with indecisiveness.

As everyone knows, there are certain films and certain actors that just go well with certain foods.

Johnny Depp films, for example, require Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice-cream, while Jason Issacs films require Rolo dessert pots (although Jonathan prefers Tiramisu, which I suppose would be acceptable if I didn't hate coffee-flavoured dessert, or, in fact, coffee-flavoured anything-which-isn't-coffee). Russel Crowe films should always be watched while eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and Hugh Jackman films are incomplete without nachos. Preferably with that fake plastic cheese you get at the cinema.

So far so good, right?

But what do you eat while watching Sherlock Holmes films? And should it depend on the character, or the actor playing him?

Darn these moral dilemmas.

So, I'm watching Case of Evil, avoiding doing any work, the usual thing, and it suddenly occurs to me:

No, not 'Why didn't James D'Arcy get smacked in the face with a cutlass', you heartless bastards.

That scene at the very begining where Tom, I mean, Sherlock, is fencing with good ol' Napolean-o-Crime (which incidentally, would be such a cool name for a resturant) and Moriaty says "I see you've been practising. *smirk* Clearly not with your brother..." and James D'Arcy freezes and looks all hurt.

I mean, once you've seen a couple of the flashbacks and actually met Mycroft, it makes sense, but at the time, Moriaty's comment comes across as the Victorian equivilent of 'Haha, you're brother is a fat bastard'. Which I admit, would earn you a punch in the face, but still.

Weird.