...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

So it's night time at Camp Spartacus, and what's that coming over the hill? HOLY SHIT IT'S SOME ROMAN DUDES! Except, oh wait, it's Spartacus, Gannicus and Crixus playing a really misjudged prank on their guys. So Spartacus nearly gets set on fire, and he's like, "fuck it if you can't take a joke, extra training and no sleeps for everyone!"

Meanwhile, creepy roman Haldir is hitting on Seppia, and Seppia.is like, "man my brother was like fifty times hotter than you, fml i should have just stayed home and borne his flipper kids," and suddenly the doors slam open and Poodle busts in like "fe fi fo foc, here comes Illithia to block your cock!" and Seppia is like, "outta here, suckas!"

So then all the slave dudes are rowing about whose fault it is they suck so bad, and Crixus is like "rarrarrarr!" and Agron is like "sorry, i dont speak little bitch, what was that?" and Gannicus is still trying to make it up with Onemaius, but Onemaius still wants fuck all to do with him, so thats sad.

Then Spartacus and Mira are having the traditional awkward post-breakup post-mortem, and I was all ready to be like, "fuck you Spartacus!" but man, Spartacus 2 really sells the idea that, basically, this dude totally wants to be able to give Mira what he needs, and move on and be happy with another woman, but is just utterly incapable of getting past his wife's death, and I was completely like, "aww, poor mira!" but now im equally like, "aww, poor spartacus!" so good job, I guess?

Ugh, then creepy Haldir and Poodle are discussing their relationship woes, like anybody gives a fuck, and blahlahblah more roman drama that nobody cares about.

So Spartacus has Agron go to the liquor store for him, because his squabbling brat army has driven him to drink, and Agron comes back with an entire CARTLOAD of booze, and Crixus is like, "spartacus! spartacus! agron is totally disobeying orders again oh my god!" like, shut UP crixus, but i cant really stay mad because his hair is RIDICULOUSLY lovely in this episode - its like a baby duck and a labrador are living on his head.

uhhh, anyway... so basically Spartacus has his dudes pair up with another dude who they are sour with to fight another pair of dudes. And it's great, and the watching dudes are just chucking wine over the fighting dudes, and Gannicus is leaning, which he does really well because he is, after all, the spawn of Jared Leto and man, I am in love with ALL of these dudes right now.

oh, then that dude, the blond roman one that poodle was trying to marry, he turns up, and he's like "go back to rome creepy haldir, everyone thinks you suck."

okay, back to Fight Club: Spartacus Edition. Mira and Saxa have post-victory smoochies, and Spartacus is like, "damn she moved on fast, but on the other hand, thats in my spank-bank forever now!"

Actually that may just have been my reaction, whatevs, because the next team of sours to throw down is Crixus and Agron versus Gannicus and Onemaius, and its brilliant.

So Spartacus is all like, "YO GANNICUS YOU'RE UP!" and Gannicus is like, "whu? i didnt hear you because i was literally face down in boobies," and at this point I realise that Gannicus's voice isnt either a speech impediment or a bizarre regional variation on the Aussie accent - its slurred because he's constantly plastered.

And Gannicus kind of wobbles into the fighting ring and passes his wine jug to some randomer and is like, "hold this, you fuck, but do not drink it!"

And Onemaius is still pretty sour with him, but obviously the two of them completely SPANK crixus and agron, but the best bit of this whole beautiful scene is where Gannicus pounds crixus into the dirt, stands up, grabs the wine, has a drink, and then goes back and beats him up some more. Like, literally, if he had whipped his cock out and slapped crixus in the face with it, that could not have been a more hilarious example of emasculation.

Then in the end Agron and Crixus are bros again, and they're like "yay we did awesome!" even though, you know, not really, and they go off to drink and pretend they didnt just get their asses handed to them, and there is YET MORE LOVELINESS because nasir and naevia trail after them with their arms around each other, like, i totally want fic that is just nasir and naevia hanging out and being awesome together.

then seppia tries to kill ugly haldir, but then poodle shows up and stabs her, then there's creepy bloodsoaked haldir/poodlesex, like, ugh, is there a need?!

But its okay because OH MY GOD beautiful Naevia and Crixus sex, then beautiful Gannicus drunkenly stumbling (because if you recall, he is also the child of Colin Farrell) but aww man, here come the romans to ruin everyones fun.

so everyone is in the woods and theres fighting and a roman dude runs up like "good news, spartacus and his dudes are in retreat!" and BAM, here come spartacus and gannicus, jumping off shit and stabbing bitches like its cool, and the other roman dudes are like "wtf that is the exact opposite of retreat, who taught you english?!" or latin or whatever the fuck they speak.

so roman bitches are in the temple, and theres an awesome bit where crixus basically goes "RRRAAAAAARRRRRR!" for about thirty seconds, not fighting or anything, just saying "RAR!" and then gannicus and spartacus just pimp-strut in with the blond roman guy as their captive, like you can tell Gannicus has Eye of the Tiger playing in his head, and the rebels are like SWEET, VICTORY!

but no, because creepy haldir is a fucking cheater, so he's just hanging in the woods like an absolute pussy, and when all the dudes are inside he's like, "BLAM! FIREBALLS!" and even then he sucks because he kills like one rebel and TONNES of romans.

so the walls around the temple collapse and creepy haldir, ashur and the ashurettes bust in, and one of the ashurettes stabs Onemaius through the hand, into his fucking eye!

so Gannicus is like, "its fuck this noise oclock, guys!" and he grabs Onemaius and they just haul ass out of there along with the rest of the rebels, and Agron, Crixus and Spartacus stay behind to set shit on fire and glower dramatically at Haldir and his minions, I guess because none of them got to help set the arena on fire and they dont want to feel left out?

and now all the rebels are on a mountain and Haldir is laughing at them because they have no food, so thats a nice dramatic setting for the season finale which is what is happening in the next episode.

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I am watching SWAT, which is basically the saddest and most tragic love story of how Colin Farrell and Hawkeye were in beautiful love and then it all became horrible and sad.

So what happens is, Hawkeye and Colin Farrell are police dudes in LA and they are totally awesome and everyone loves them, but then this mean dude who is totally jealous sentanced them to ten thousand years in a dungeon cleaning boots, and Hawkeye was like, fuck this, let's ride into space on our unicorns and be all evil and wear a variety of criminal hats and generally fuck shit up! And Colin Farrell's like, no, it's not space's fault that this mean dude is making us do ten thousand years dungeon, let's stay and protect LA!

Then Hawkeye gets all.mad and is like, you have betrayed our love, Colin Farrell, and I hate you forever! and he throws Colin Farrell across the locker room and flies away into space alone, and Colin Farrell has to do dungeon by himself and he's all broken-hearted and crying inside and lives on the beach with his unicorn, who has turned into a dog because Colin Farrell's broken heart has sucked all the magic away.

Anyway, then Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson comes along and he's like, I know your heart is all broken and shit, but LA still needs protecting and you have to inspire these other police dudes because reasons, so Colin Farrell kind of has a reason to live again, but then Hawkeye is like OH NO YOU FUCKING DO NOT!! and he invades LA with dinosaurs and French dudes and rocket launchers, and he and Colin Farrell totally get into it and then Hawkeye gets run over by a train and so they never find happiness and that's the end of the movie.

And then Colin Farrell goes to Vietnam where he saves Alaric from doom and Alaric basically makes a whole movie about how in love with Colin Farrell he is, and Hawkeye is in a film about bombs that wins loads of awards even though it is totally boring amd nothing even happens.

Oh, and the dog eventually changed back into a unicorn and together he and Colin Farrell crossed Asia, bringing civilisation and Jared Leto to the world.

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Wow, the "ultimate" edition of Alexander is really not very "ultimate" at all. In fact, it's mostly just extended scenes of Anthony Hopkins yammering - because, you know, the original eight versions of the.movie really short-changed the audience with a mere forty minutes of tedious monologuing. Shut up, Anthony Hopkins.

Having said that, I did really like that scene right before they throw down with Darius at Guagamela where Hephaistion is like, "We're going to die horribly tomorrow, let's have crazy pre-battle.sex!" and Alexander's all, "LOL LET ME TELL U MY PHILOSOPHY OF WAR I HERD U LIEK MUDKIPS!" and Jared Leto's like, *facepalm*.

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Oh man, you guys, I have just had my best idea ever! Having finally succumbed to my own suckiness, I have purchased the alledgedly "ultimate" edition of Alexander, and was disappointed to discover it contained no Colin Farrel/Jared Leto sex scenes, no dinosaurs, no lasers and no car chases. I mean, can you really call anything an "ultimate" version of something if there aren't even any car chases? Shame on you, Oliver Stone.

Anyway, while pondering the injustice of misleading Hollywood reissues, I sulked my way through an extra twenty minutes of Jared Leto and Colin Farrel not getting it on, and at last Ye Olde Anthony Hopkins appeared to tell me my pain was at an end, as signalled by a shot of a statue that looks nothing like The Colin. I sigh a sigh of bitterest disappointment while Anthony Hopkins and his beard witter on about "the greatest man I ever knew," blahblahblah historical boringcakes, and then I hear the words, "Mecha Alexandros".

And that's when it hit me. The key to a successful retelling of the Alexander legend is to set it in SPACE! Instead of Macedonian sheep herders, Alexander will be descended from the inventors of the first Mecha capable of space flight, but the evil Persian empire has long since co-opted the technology for their own nefarious purposes. Led by the dread king D3r1u5, the Persian empire assassinate King Phillip in a bid to subvert intergalactic patent laws relating to their new mechanical army. However, they have reckoned without the bravery of the young Prince Alexander and his snake-charming MILF, Queen Olympias.

Buccephelus will be Alexanders' fighter craft, who talks, and Nearchus will be a flamboyantly gay space pirate who is never seen without a bottle of mineral water in hand and insists on referring to Alexander and "Alexander the Fabulous". Hephaestion will take over the traditional "bitchy queen" role and largely be based on Cordelia Chase.

Obviously it would be super-awesome if we can get Jared Leto and Colin Farrel back, but on the offchance that they want nothing to do with this thing of beauty, I already have the new cast in line: Nick Stahl will play the role of Alexander, with Sean Maher playing Hephaestion. Christian Slater will be Philip, Cynthia Ettinger will be Olympias and the role of Nearchus will be ably filled by Zachary Quinto. IT CANNOT POSSIBLY GO WRONG!

Dudes, Outrageous Fortune is so good, I am completely amazed by both its non-shoddiness and its entire lack of ridiculous facepaint and zombie sheep. Also, Antonia Prebble can actually act* (and is a bit hot too), the psycho peadophile bootcamp instructor who debauches Lex is kind of awesome and likable and not a creepy violent child-molester at all and Van is so adorable, oh my God, there should be a show that is just Van and Munter running around being stoned and ineffective and beautiful.

Also, and totally unrelated, Jared Leto so needs a new show. He's pretty, and all of my favourite shows have either ended or started to suck in the not-fun way, and his band is fucking awful, so clearly he needs to be back on television. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of myself and El Snithador, we have been unable to come up with the perfect vehicle for Jared Leto's particular brand of prettiness and indeterminate acting abilities.

I think the problem is that the stuff he's been in doesn't really give us a handle on what he can and can't do. I mean, let's break down Jared Leto's key strengths, as demonstrated in his most memorable roles:

• My So-Called Life: He plays Jordan Catalano, a role that consists of leaning against things and making goo-goo eyes at Claire Danes. Oh, and Brian in that one really strange episode where the show went all Cyrano on us.
  
• American Psycho: Christian Bale hits him in the face with an axe. Everyone laughs. Yes, it was fucking hilarious, but it seems like Batbale did all the work in that scene.
  
• Alexander: He wears a lot of eyeliner and follows Colin Farrell around while gazing at him in adoration. This isn't actually acting at all, as everyone has that reaction to Colin Farrell. Don't believe me? Watch the extras, Oliver Stone does the exact same thing every time Colin is on set.

So, what we need is a show that allows him to be pretty and a bit gay, without having to keep up with any actors who are prettier or more talented than him and without requiring to do anything too difficult, like excessive emoting or long speeches. I've also ruled out the following things:

• No shows about vampires. There's no point doing anything with vampires while True Blood is on the air, because Alan Ball is just going to laugh at us and pee in our faces. If this was a couple of years ago when all we had to contend with was Moonlight and Blood Ties, it would be different, but True Blood will outclass us and make us look bad.
  
• No shows with Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, the Dave or Daddy Winchester. They're all hotter and/or better at acting than Jared, and that's not allowed.
  
• No shows about werewolves. Jared is a girly pretty-boy, and there have been enough non-manly werewolves in the past without him adding to their degradation.

Anything else is fair game, and so I open the floor to suggestions. Jared fights crime? Jared does crime? Jared is in space? Pitch your ideas in the comments, post them in your own LJ, make them an entry on 30SecondsToMarsSuckMonkeyBalls: go nuts! Let's start the Jared Leto TV Revival, and bring passable good looks and mediocre talent back to our screens where he belongs!

*Michelle Ang, however, cannot.