...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

What's a more appropriate wardrobe choice for visiting your smallest brother in prison - 1974 Stark Expo or sparkley Thor and Loki?

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I totally promised a friend I'd go watch her sing and vote for her in the latest round of a local talentless contest this Thursday, but someone else just texted me asking if I want to see Iron Man 3 that night so I'm totally going to assume that he already bought the tickets and so I had to say yes and it has nothing to do with the fact that the last round of Search for a Star made me want to kill myself due to pure lameitude.

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So basically, this is my problem with Seven Pyschopaths - Colin Farrel's best friend is played by the dead rubbish evil dude from Iron Man 2 (not Mickey Rourke, the idiot who thinks his dumb robots are better than blinged-out cheerleaders, because fuck off!) and they keep touching and I'm all like, WHAT THE FUCK COLIN FARREL, PUNCH THAT MESS IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW, because that dude wasn't even worthy of being Tony Stark's best friend, and Tony Stark is basically haggard, American Colin Farrell, so OBVIOUSLY he is not worthy to gaze upon the TRUE Colin Farrell, but Colin Farrell isn't having his unicorns kill this dude or anything, and it's just very confusing.

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I really want Colin Farrell to be the villian in Avengers 2, but I know that if he was, he would conquer the world in the first ten minutes and the rest of the movie would be a montage of him banging all of the Avengers, one at a time and then all together. Which sounds awesome, but would get repetative if the film went past the two hour mark.*

*The teaser scene at the end of the credits would be Colin Farrell and Iron Man getting drunk and riding unicorns in space while Captain America sad-cries behind a rain-streaked window.

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So I went to see Captain America last night. It was pretty good; nothing about it was particularly MIND BLOWING OH MY GOD AWESOME, but it was a fun action movie. Plus it had Dakin from the History Boys being beautiful and wearing a waistcoat while pretending to be RDJ's dad. He wasn't in it enough, to my mind, but then I would probably have had the whole film being about Dakin and his cheerleaders (oh Tony! So very much your father's son!) and his waistcoats and love of melty cheese.

Afterwards, Alex and I got fish and chips and ate them looking out over the headlands at the sea and I was bitching and moaning about Bleach and he mentioned that his favourite bit in the entire series is when the dude who has a fox for a head finds out that Aizen has seduced his little blind mate over to the Dark Side and he grows all massive and is like, "AAAAIIIIIZZZZEEEEEEENNNNNNNNN!" and starts hulk-smashing the shit out of all the buildings around him while rolling his eyes in a crazy way and showing his little sharp fox teeth, because it's totally over-acted in both languages and basically it's a giant fox doing Shatner's "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!" thing, but even funnier because, you know, it's a giant fox.

And now I keep thinking how much everything ever would be improved if it had a giant fox dude just going mental and yelling "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZEEEEEENNNN!" and smashing stuff up. I think the giant fox dude should be the baddie in the Avengers movie next year. RDJ and the-ginger-guy-from-Fantastic-Four-who-sometimes-is-also-Jensen-from-the-Losers versus a giant aggro fox dude would rule.

In fact, I'm avoiding working on my Bureau-fic because I'm genuinely worried that I will write a scene where a giant fox dude just starts wrecking the place and yelling "AAAAAIIIIIIZZZZZEEEENNNN!" for no particular reason. And obviously I want to save that scene for the big dramatic finale, not waste it mid-way through the story. That would just be dumb.

Still on the Rock, oh no! Plus our wireless connection is down so now I have to do my porn-finding on my parents computers, inconvenient.

Wills and I just watched the Expendables - OH MY GOD that is a shit film. I had to literally beg Buzz Lighthair to lend it to us (he got it for Christmas and hasn't seen it yet) because it had Mickey Rourke in and I can only rewatch Iron Man 2 so many times before it becomes unhealthy, and OH GOD I cannot express how much it sucks!

First of all, Sylvester Stallone has had like, MONSTROUSLY UNSUCCESSFUL plastic surgery - his head is twice as big as a normal head, his eyebrows are painted on, and one of his eyes is a full inch higher than the other one. Also, the only bit of his face that still moves is the left hand side of his lower lip. Imagine if Sloth from the Goonies had had reconstructive surgery - that's what he looks like now. I swear to God, near the end, I was expecting him to just peel off his whole body to reveal Sloth's face and a Superman shirt, then he'd point at himself and go "SLOTH!" and then save the day. And that would have been about a gazillion times better than the actual movie. The best acting in the whole film is when Generic Spunky Latina managing not to totally wig out when Stallone and his Elephant Man-shaped head try to smile at her. Kudos to you, Generic Spunky Latina.

Secondly, Mickey Rourke is in it for like, two seconds. So are Bruce Willis and the Terminator, in case any of you were planning to watch it for those dudes. But they're positioned on the front cover as if they play major roles, when in fact Elephant Man Head and Jason Statham (who is so utterly blahsome in that I decline to make up an insulting nickname for him) are the main guys. UTTER FAIL. Literally, the best part of the movie was William and I deciding on all the scenes that would be improved if Mickey Rourke had been in them and what kind of epic hat he would be wearing.

Thirdly, the whole thing with Mickey Rourke (or The Rourke, as he will now be referred to) in this film was that he had these huge knives for throwin', and all the way through Wills and I were waiting for The Rourke to show up and just be like a bajillion times cooler than all of those other gimps, and right at the end one of the main evil dudes (might have been Stone Cold Steve Astin, might have been the dad from Monster Squad, I cannot remember due to excessive lamitude) is taunting Elephant Man Head by threatening Generic Spunky Latina and then this fuck-off massive knife comes bursting through his chest and Wills and I were like, "THE ROURKE!" but no, it was just Jason Statham being a fucking gimpodile like always.

In conclusion: The Expendables is ENTIRELY LAME, and I am going to watch the Losers again now and maybe read me some Iron Man 2 porn. OH THE ROURKE!

My flight out was cancelled due to fog at Leeds Bradford. I'm supposed to fly out tomorrow at 11.45 instead, but who knows if that will happen? I'd better not get any shit from work about not going in tomorrow - no way am I getting off that flight and then putting in ten hours at the House of Gas without a nights sleep inbetween.

ANYWAY! I managed to force William and Jonny to watch The Burbs yesterday - William said it was "alright, a bit 80's though" (he was born in 1991, that's practically like having a learning disability as far as his ability to detect awesomeness is concerned) and Jonny is of the opinion that anything from the 80s should have skateboards and/or BMXs in there somewhere, and therefore The Burbs falls short compared to his preferred flavour of 80's madness.

Also, why isn't there more Ivan/Tony porn fron Iron Man 2? I've had a look around, and while I'm not the ONLY one who developed an embarrassing wrong-crush on Mickey Rourke after watching this movie, there doesn't seem to be many of us. Shame on you, internet. Seriously, SHAME.

My Year In Fandom:

Your main fandom of the year?
Corey Feldman. Yes, he is a fandom all by himself. Yes he is! Shut the fuck up!

Your favourite film watched this year?
This is hard, there were actually a few really awesome films I discovered this year - Iron Man 2, The Losers, Lost Boys: the Thirst and Monster Squad are all things I saw for the first time in 2010, and they are MARVELLOUS. I'm going to go for the Monster Squad though, because none of the other movies had characters screaming "Kick him in the nards! Kick him in the nards!" at each other.

Your favourite book read this year?
Somebody introduced me to a comic book series called The Boys, which is pretty much Watchmen for people who didn't think Watchmen was sick and wrong enough. It is fucking hilarous.

Your favourite album or song to listen to this year?
Every year I buy a couple of those Halloween-themed albums. For 2010, I got a triple CD set that includes the theme from True Blood, Bad Moon Rising, Shewolf by Shakira and Duran Duran's Hungry Like The Wolf. Pure awesome, you guys.

Your favourite TV show of the year?
Glee. I haven't been online enough in 2010 for my flist to witness me getting appropriately squeeful about it, but OH GOD, it is wonderful!

Your favourite LJ community of the year?
The community itself is pretty much dead, but Lost Boys Slash did lead me to the LJ of redeyedfeline, and in turn to some EPIC Frogcest.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?
White Collar. Seriously guys, even gayer than LJ made it out to be. Plus Jonesy from Carnivale being stern and manly with the younger, prettier clone of Simon from Firefly.

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?
The fifth season of Bones. I can't really point to one particular thing that made it sucktarded, but the whole season just left me kind of, "Meh."

Your TV boyfriend of the year?
Tesla from Sanctuary. OH HE IS SO MARVELOUSLY SNITTY I WANT TO LICK HIS FACE!

Your TV girlfriend of the year?
Shego from Kim Possible. Yes, I know she wasn't on the air in 2010, but this is when I got the season 1 and 2 DVDs and also when her greatness helped me recover from a traumatic incident involving a naked Corey Haim, so she still counts.

Your biggest squee moment of the year?
Edgar and Alan's hug at the end of The Thirst. OH GOD THEY ARE SO CUTE!

The most missed of your old fandoms?
The 4400. Seeing Joel Gresch be manly yet earnest in V really underscored how much I missed seeing him be manly yet earnest in a show where everyone else wasn't a total fucking retard and the bits that weren't occupied by Joel Gresch being manly yet earnest were focused on Jordan and Shawn having EPIC GAY LOVE. OH JOEL GRESCH. OH JORDAN. OH SHAWN.

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?
Leverage. I've only just seen season one, but already I suspect there is quite a lot of fic surrounding Lindsey's crush on Hardison. Hopefully this time his affections will involve less plastic hands and people being mowed down in the pickup truck of unrequited love.

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?
I am quite looking forward to seeing Colin Farrel and Jailbait!Chekov face off against each other in the Fright Night remake. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies are bound to be completely wonderful. Also, there had better be a Lost Boys 4 and possibly a spin-off TV series too.

Man, I am going to have no money at all in October. I just got the email from Amazon giving me the release date for Iron Man as the 27th, there's already a ton of stuff I want that gets released then, plus it's Halloween so I'll spend shitloads on decorations and food shaped like bats and stuff. I guess I could offer to do some overtime at work, but frankly double and even triple time is not enough to get me to set foot in that hellhole when I don't absolutely have to.

Incidentally, I know at least one of you is going to suggest I just don't buy everything I want as soon as it comes out, so let me pre-empt you by saying: shut up, stop hanging around on LJ giving out useless advice, and go and watch In Bruges.

Which, by the way, is so awesome that I am watching it again right now, and I only came on LJ to share what is officially my favourite line in a movie that is entirely comprised of favourite lines: "Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't." I'd like to say I will use a variation on this at every opportunity, but it doesn't work for me as a) the island I grew up on is pretty much one giant sheep-fucking farm surrounded by ocean and b) although I am not myself retarded, pretty much everyone else there was. And is. So it doesn't really fit.

Fortunately, my second-favourite line in the entire film, "I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favor of culture, like a big fat fucking retarded fucking black girl on a see-saw opposite...a dwarf" is good for pretty much all occaisons. Or it will be, once I have perfected the art of bringing scale-tipping into every conversation I shall ever have.