...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

I went to see Fright Night yesterday. FAILED SO HARD, you guys. I think Colin Farrell and I are now on the path to major, final breakup. The dialogue wasn't funny or clever, the comedic timing was way off (and jesus, you have the Tenth Doctor, the star of In Bruges, and Red Mist all playing major roles, how do you get all three of them to somehow not be hilarious?) there was no plot to speak of and basically everyone was a complete window-licking dullard. Also, Jerry semephored that he was a vampire so hard, that even if you were the kind of person who automatically discounts "oh, he's a vampire" as an explanation for neighbour-based weirdness, you would still think he was a massive creeposaurus.

Also, Colin Farrell's vampire form was this massive fake-head thing that make him look like the kid from Battle Dib. Every time he turned into it, part of me was expecting him to start screaming "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNKKKK!" and beating Jailbait Chekov with an over-sized cotton wool bud. The only bits that raised a smile was whenever Jerry got really badly injured, he would do this weird "epilectic on meth" seizure dance thing.

At least it was only an hour and a half long. Even so, it felt like marathoning all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings back-to-back, except for the bit where Lord of the Rings was entertaining. What a waste of talent - in the time they used filming this piece of shit, Colin Farrell and David Tennant could have made one decent film each. That's two decent films that will never get made now. Red Mist and Jailbait Chekov could probably have made something less epicly retarded.

And yes, this is coming from someone who rates Lost Boys 3: the Thirst as a solid three out of five. Well done, Colin Farrell - you just rated lower than a straight-to-video Corey Feldman movie. You must be so proud.

There was a trailer for this new Hugh Jackman movie that appears to be about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I do not understand. Tintin looks shit, the Puss in Boots movie looks superfluous, and for some reason Disney is showing the Lion King in 3D and marketing it as "for the first time ever!" Christ, just admit that you've run out of ideas, Disney. Paranormal Whatever 3 looks like an over-long cut of the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural, and the new Sherlock Holmes movie looks alright.

In other news, I have been catching up on Carnivale - the creepiest thing about Evander Geddes isn't that he suffocates little kids with plaster of paris just so he can take casts of their death agonies - it's that bit where he explains to Ben that his objective is "to capture the soul". Because in Carnivale, that is TOTALLY FEASIBLE. Urgh!

I have been watching the Shield, too - thus far, I rate it "quite good." Possibly I will write more when I know people's names. So far all I know is CCH Pounder, who is in everything. She is a police lady. She does police things. Her partner is kind of a spaz, but is quite good at detectoring. There is a bald man. The bald man is basically in charge. He has three little friends who are like his Crime Army. There's another dude who I think is supposed to be in charge, but everyone hates him and likes the bald man best. The other dude is pretty sour about it. CCH Pounder and her spaz-detecting friend don't seem to care either way - they just like to detect stuff. I don't know. I might be wrong.

Oh dudes, I couldn't even watch the last couple of minutes of Game of Thrones tonight - as soon as Ronan started melting down his blingage, I knew something horrible was coming, so I covered my ears and shut my eyes and basically waited until the screaming stopped and I heard the end-credits theme start playing.

Was it totally gross? Is he alive? I have this phobia of shit happening to people's faces - I've seen and read Watchmen dozens of times and always looked away or skipped the page where Rorschach pours chip fat on that prisoner. I nearly fainted during the Avatar episode with Ko the Face Stealer and again during the Doctor Who episode with the thing in the telly that sucked people's faces away. Can someone who's read the books please warn me if I'm going to have to deal with face-meltage next week?

Man, how ACTION-PACKED is the second season of Jericho? See Jake fly a plane! See Mister Hawkins kill about eighteen thousand guys with his bare hands! See missiles! See stabbings! See Texas save the world! See The Dave's old boss wear a crazy moustache!

And, don't get me wrong, I love car chases and exciting PLANE WARS as much as anyone, but the first season had these really beautiful quiet moments that were just about like, people being people, and didn't involve X-TREME ACTION TO THE MAXX, and I felt that because they were only given seven episodes to wrap the whole thing up, it was all about Jake and Mister Hawkins beating everyone up and so we didn't get that same feeling of... humanness, I guess... that we did in season one, because it was all RARGH NO THE GOVERNMENT IS EVIL AND OWNED BY CORPORATE AMERICA HODGINS WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG RARGH!

Also, I am calling him Mister Hawkins because every time I go to write Hawkins by itself I keep thinking I mean Ben from Carnivale and then I get really confused - is he healing folks or breaking necks? Actually, Ben would probably break necks if he had to, but then he would have to brood and look pretty for the next two episodes, whereas in Jericho brooding and looking pretty is clearly Jake's role. Mister Hawkins has no time for brooding - he only has time for KICKING TERRORIST ASS!

Also! ( Read more... )

Also! I am very sad that the mysterious John Smith did not in fact turn out to be a school-masterly David Tennant. That would have been awesome - David Tennant and Lennie James in a knock-down drag-out fight over a nuclear warhead would have been So Cool.

So in conclusion: it was cool, but CBS are fucking retards and it should never have been cancelled.

Into the West is alright, but like all other shows about the Wild West that are not Deadwood, it suffers from an excess of not being Deadwood. Also, Skeet Ulrich has a stupid beard and Christian Kane is possibly the worlds least convincing Lakota Indian, and his pigtails are stupid. So, fail. Mr Ellsworth needs to give them both a good talking to if you ask me.

I was going to write something about the Once a Thief TV series here, but I need to go find Jericho porn, so I'll just say Krycek = Pretty and have done with it. He is pretty though.

PS: I guess if somebody wanted to write me Jacob/Jethro porn, I might reconsider my take on Into the West. Lindsey will always be stupid, though.

Oh no, you guys, a terrible thing has happened! See, there I was, innocently enjoying a day filled with zombies and/or Cillian Murphy, minding my own business, not doing anything mean to anybody (for a change). And I'm about half-way through 28 Days Later, and part of me is enjoying the zombie monkey action while another part is wondering why Cillian Murphy insists on starring in films that, with the exception of Batman Begins, either suck or require him to be not-hot*.

And then. THEN! I realise that the evil Army dude who keeps zombies chained up in his garden, stupidly within reach of clean laundry, is Christopher... well, I can't remember how to spell his last name, but the Potato-Headed Doctor Who! And he's all, "Oh Cillian Murphy, I shall make you my own personal Boy Wench," and Cillian Murphy is all, "I would rather be stabbed in the throat with a PEN!" and then violence happens, and now my brain is all, "Dude, we should write some kind of Doctor Who/28 Days Later crossover with perhaps ADDED JACKSON RIPNER and inappropriately feminine scarves!" and I am entirely disgusted with myself.

Although not so disgusted that I didn't immediately go looking for such fic, and feel disappointed when I found none.

Oh, and also? The Wind That Shakes The Barley is SHIT! All of Ireland should be nuked in punishment for that film. Fuck you, Ireland, even Skeet Ulrich and JAMES REMAR cannot save you now.

*Please note, I am not denying that he was very pretty in Breakfast on Pluto, it's just that my own personal preference for Cillian Murphy does not extend to Fishnet Stockings Flavoured Cillian. Unless he gets it on with Dakin. That would be acceptable.