froodle: (pony)
could that actress playing davina be more ridiculously beautiful? originals/tvd is hardly short on eye candy, but every time she shows up it's like, oh COME ON, no human is that lovely! she's not even trip-over-your-own-feet levels of gorgeous; I just look at her and im like, thats a painting, thats not a living person, knock it off. seriously. insanely beautiful.

on a related note, damn you, originals fandom. wheres my klaus/elijah/rebekah porn at? get on it, internets.
froodle: (pony)
all the witch biz in the originals is so boring. why is it not just klaus and elijah being in beautiful love together all the time, with maybe a little internecine scheming to change it up now and then?

like, I just saw the part where kima from the wire is torturing elijah with the memories of his embarrasing period wig, and then klaus shows up and beings him home and a whole part of the episode is klaus and elijah looking at each other and being in love and its great.

also, I hate kols dumb new doctor who reject face.

also, elijah is mean for waiting until hayley was literally about to marry... the guy who looks like peter petrelli if peter petrelli was into banging people that arent nathan petrelli. I know thats hard to imagine, but if you look at him youll see what I mean... anyway, that guy, shes about to marry him, and elijahs like, HAYLEY I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU THIS WHOLE TIME and shes all, WELL ITS TOO LATE NOW DICK, and now elijah has to literally live forever with the knowledge that hes been knocked back in favour of, essentially, peter petrelli.

also, kima from the wire used to be smart but she is fucking dumb now. "oh, I will put my children in human bods and that will fix all their problems" um NO IT WONT, how does a human bod fix a thousand years of stupid shit that wasnt klaus and elijah being in love? esther needs to read the great gatsby, or like, just develop some common fucking sense.

also, I dont care about michael, or finn or the baby or... I always wanna call her kate lockely, the blonde bartender therapist? I care about davina, but not if she hangs out with doctor who reject kol, and that one vamp who looks like xander when xander was hot, but not that vamps bf because his face is stupid.

or marcus, really. marcus is also stupid. although hes less embarrassing to watch than he was in season one, I guess. also I guess now there is another michaelson kid aswell but who cares.

look, whatevs. just show me elijah and klaus and rebekah being in beautiful viking love. thats all I care about really.
froodle: (Default)
...there's a Stefan doppleganger now? Gross.


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froodle: (Default)
awww man, kol dies? sour times, my friends. i loved kol, he was so cheeky and so completely devoid of any fucks to give. plus the hair. easily the best hair of all the original vampires.


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froodle: (Default)
...oh, never mind, Caroline just killed her. To save Bonnie, of all people. Ugh.


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froodle: (Default)
Oh hey, Naevia 2 is in the Vampire Diaries!


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froodle: (Default)
WHAT THE FUCK JEREMY.
JEREMY WHAT THE FUCK.
DON'T YOU DARE BE DEAD.
STOP DECOMPOSING RIGHT NOW YOU LITTLE EMO PRICK.


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froodle: (Default)
Aww damn it. I was totally loving how much Tyler has grown into himself this year, and that silly werewolf bitch just ruined it by having Klaus slaughter his entire pack. Between that and Jammy the Emu retreading the whole Evilaric plot from last season, I'm calling bullshit on all of series four.


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froodle: (Default)
Also, I am now totally holding out for a Caroline/Hayley/Tyler threesome. Actually, just plain old Caroline/Hayley would be fine too. Tyler can like, play video games or something.


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froodle: (Default)
...did Damon just prank Elena into giving him the vampire equivalent of a blowjob? Because that's kind of shiOH MY GOD ALARIC HI ALARIC I LOVE YOU!


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froodle: (Default)
Wow, Dusk is super-annoying. Where does he get off holding a massive grudge against Valkyrie because of his scar? I mean, he's the one who started things when he tried to eat her, and not in the sense that women usually care for, so basically he has no right to get mad when she slices his face open. Certainly he doesn't still need to be whining about it six books later.

This is the problem with vampires today - too much whinging, not enough sacking up and killing people, or having failed to kill people, accepting the fact that sometimes failed exsanguination attempts get you STABBED IN THE FACE.

Christ. Billy-Ray got gutted and he made less of a fuss about it. Vampires are just fucking pussies.


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froodle: (Default)
Wow, Alcide sure loves killing him some packmasters, huh? He just rolls into a new town, kills the local Alpha, and then when the other wolves are all like, "Hey, you gonna be our new leader now Alcide?" he's like, "Lol no, I heard there's a pack two states over whose Alpha is all not-killed and shit, so I gotta go sort that out. But I'm sure it'll be fine, 'cause leaving a massive power vacuum absolutely never gives rise to evil megalomaniac douchebags. Laters!"

Kind of a dick move on his part, but I guess when your dad is the T2, a certain amount of "rolling through towns, fucking shit up" is inevitable.


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froodle: (Default)
The hug! THE HUG! Andandand he has Alan's dog tags hanging up in his trailer! And "Don't monologue!" And Gwen being all sexy with the Lara Croft outfit and Zoe being all cute in the stompy boots and pleated miniskirts, and it's also haunted by cannibal pirates and HE CLICKED ORDAIN ME and Peter was all, "What the fuck?" and then BURNINATING and did I mention THE HUG OH MY GOD?! *bouncing forever*


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froodle: (Default)
I want the message alert for my phone to be that bald-headed vampire from the first season of TrueBlood saying "somebody needs to get down on my johnson." Then when it goes off in public, I'll act like I have no idea what's happening and laugh at everyone in my secret brain space.


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froodle: (Default)
You know who else I had forgotten? Moloch. I really hope they never make Skulduggery Pleasant movies, because Moloch is basically EXACTLY what Colin Farrell would be like if he was vampire (eating everyone in a block of flats, playing a vampire version of The Hunger Games with would-be new recruits, wandering around Dublin in bare feet in the middle of winter and generally just being a drunken, blood-soaked, fang-sporting Irish mess) and Colin Farrell was banned from ever playing a vampire again for his part in the TRAVESTY that was Fright Night.

And it sucks even MORE now because presumably book 8 or 9 will have the big Dusk/Moloch throw-down, and I would really have enjoyed watching Colin Farrell slap that mopey tragic unbearability-pire upside the head and toss him into the sea and then eat all of Dublin.

Anyway, I guess the moral of this story is that I really hated the Fright Night remake amd sometimes a crime is so bad that you have to get punished for it, even if you are Colin Farrell. But I guess he would be playing the Irish Wizard King so... something. I dunno. Fright Night sucks.


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froodle: (Default)
I am watching SWAT, which is basically the saddest and most tragic love story of how Colin Farrell and Hawkeye were in beautiful love and then it all became horrible and sad.

So what happens is, Hawkeye and Colin Farrell are police dudes in LA and they are totally awesome and everyone loves them, but then this mean dude who is totally jealous sentanced them to ten thousand years in a dungeon cleaning boots, and Hawkeye was like, fuck this, let's ride into space on our unicorns and be all evil and wear a variety of criminal hats and generally fuck shit up! And Colin Farrell's like, no, it's not space's fault that this mean dude is making us do ten thousand years dungeon, let's stay and protect LA!

Then Hawkeye gets all.mad and is like, you have betrayed our love, Colin Farrell, and I hate you forever! and he throws Colin Farrell across the locker room and flies away into space alone, and Colin Farrell has to do dungeon by himself and he's all broken-hearted and crying inside and lives on the beach with his unicorn, who has turned into a dog because Colin Farrell's broken heart has sucked all the magic away.

Anyway, then Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson comes along and he's like, I know your heart is all broken and shit, but LA still needs protecting and you have to inspire these other police dudes because reasons, so Colin Farrell kind of has a reason to live again, but then Hawkeye is like OH NO YOU FUCKING DO NOT!! and he invades LA with dinosaurs and French dudes and rocket launchers, and he and Colin Farrell totally get into it and then Hawkeye gets run over by a train and so they never find happiness and that's the end of the movie.

And then Colin Farrell goes to Vietnam where he saves Alaric from doom and Alaric basically makes a whole movie about how in love with Colin Farrell he is, and Hawkeye is in a film about bombs that wins loads of awards even though it is totally boring amd nothing even happens.

Oh, and the dog eventually changed back into a unicorn and together he and Colin Farrell crossed Asia, bringing civilisation and Jared Leto to the world.


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froodle: (Default)
Line from the most recent Skulduggery Pleasant book: "We're not Buffy and Angel. We're not Romeo and Juliet. We're not even Bella and Edward."

OUCH. That has to be the one thing a vampire NEVER wants to hear from his human girlfriend. That's like, stake-through-the-heart, gotta-leave-town-because-all-the-other-vampires-are-laughing-at-you levels of insult. I bet people kicked sand in his face and created bullying "UR DOING IT WRONG" memes and posted them on his FB wall after that. And I don't advocate vampire-on-Irish-wizard violence, but I'm not totally shocked that he tried to eat her after that. He's better off dead and melted. You can't live for eternity with that level of SHAME AND FAILURE.


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froodle: (Default)
Dean and Lisa are basically the Buffy and Angel of a new generation. Except, if possible, MORE HEARTBREAKING because Dean didn't bring all that shit on himself by running around torturing dudes with a horrible wig and worse accent for hundred years. Oh my God I am basically CRYING FOREVER right now.


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froodle: (Default)
"If paedos looked like paedos, they'd never do any paedo-ing." Oh, Being Human, I miss the days when you were awesome and perfect. At least now I don't have to be sad that you got cancelled, though.


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froodle: (Default)
The problem with Tigerland porn is that most of the people who write it get all inspired about the fact that the movie is this perfect epic masterpiece of pure beauty, and set out to write these amazing in-depth stories full of meaning and wonder, and I just want to read about Colin Farrell and Alaric having crazy post-Vietnam survivor!sex and I don't want to read fifty thousand words of character-driven authentic world-building blah-blah-blah things that are not porn. Basically, Tigerland fandom is not shallow enough, and it makes me sad.


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