...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

I went to see Fright Night yesterday. FAILED SO HARD, you guys. I think Colin Farrell and I are now on the path to major, final breakup. The dialogue wasn't funny or clever, the comedic timing was way off (and jesus, you have the Tenth Doctor, the star of In Bruges, and Red Mist all playing major roles, how do you get all three of them to somehow not be hilarious?) there was no plot to speak of and basically everyone was a complete window-licking dullard. Also, Jerry semephored that he was a vampire so hard, that even if you were the kind of person who automatically discounts "oh, he's a vampire" as an explanation for neighbour-based weirdness, you would still think he was a massive creeposaurus.

Also, Colin Farrell's vampire form was this massive fake-head thing that make him look like the kid from Battle Dib. Every time he turned into it, part of me was expecting him to start screaming "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNKKKK!" and beating Jailbait Chekov with an over-sized cotton wool bud. The only bits that raised a smile was whenever Jerry got really badly injured, he would do this weird "epilectic on meth" seizure dance thing.

At least it was only an hour and a half long. Even so, it felt like marathoning all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings back-to-back, except for the bit where Lord of the Rings was entertaining. What a waste of talent - in the time they used filming this piece of shit, Colin Farrell and David Tennant could have made one decent film each. That's two decent films that will never get made now. Red Mist and Jailbait Chekov could probably have made something less epicly retarded.

And yes, this is coming from someone who rates Lost Boys 3: the Thirst as a solid three out of five. Well done, Colin Farrell - you just rated lower than a straight-to-video Corey Feldman movie. You must be so proud.

There was a trailer for this new Hugh Jackman movie that appears to be about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I do not understand. Tintin looks shit, the Puss in Boots movie looks superfluous, and for some reason Disney is showing the Lion King in 3D and marketing it as "for the first time ever!" Christ, just admit that you've run out of ideas, Disney. Paranormal Whatever 3 looks like an over-long cut of the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural, and the new Sherlock Holmes movie looks alright.

In other news, I have been catching up on Carnivale - the creepiest thing about Evander Geddes isn't that he suffocates little kids with plaster of paris just so he can take casts of their death agonies - it's that bit where he explains to Ben that his objective is "to capture the soul". Because in Carnivale, that is TOTALLY FEASIBLE. Urgh!

I have been watching the Shield, too - thus far, I rate it "quite good." Possibly I will write more when I know people's names. So far all I know is CCH Pounder, who is in everything. She is a police lady. She does police things. Her partner is kind of a spaz, but is quite good at detectoring. There is a bald man. The bald man is basically in charge. He has three little friends who are like his Crime Army. There's another dude who I think is supposed to be in charge, but everyone hates him and likes the bald man best. The other dude is pretty sour about it. CCH Pounder and her spaz-detecting friend don't seem to care either way - they just like to detect stuff. I don't know. I might be wrong.

Man, how ACTION-PACKED is the second season of Jericho? See Jake fly a plane! See Mister Hawkins kill about eighteen thousand guys with his bare hands! See missiles! See stabbings! See Texas save the world! See The Dave's old boss wear a crazy moustache!

And, don't get me wrong, I love car chases and exciting PLANE WARS as much as anyone, but the first season had these really beautiful quiet moments that were just about like, people being people, and didn't involve X-TREME ACTION TO THE MAXX, and I felt that because they were only given seven episodes to wrap the whole thing up, it was all about Jake and Mister Hawkins beating everyone up and so we didn't get that same feeling of... humanness, I guess... that we did in season one, because it was all RARGH NO THE GOVERNMENT IS EVIL AND OWNED BY CORPORATE AMERICA HODGINS WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG RARGH!

Also, I am calling him Mister Hawkins because every time I go to write Hawkins by itself I keep thinking I mean Ben from Carnivale and then I get really confused - is he healing folks or breaking necks? Actually, Ben would probably break necks if he had to, but then he would have to brood and look pretty for the next two episodes, whereas in Jericho brooding and looking pretty is clearly Jake's role. Mister Hawkins has no time for brooding - he only has time for KICKING TERRORIST ASS!

Also! ( Read more... )

Also! I am very sad that the mysterious John Smith did not in fact turn out to be a school-masterly David Tennant. That would have been awesome - David Tennant and Lennie James in a knock-down drag-out fight over a nuclear warhead would have been So Cool.

So in conclusion: it was cool, but CBS are fucking retards and it should never have been cancelled.

Into the West is alright, but like all other shows about the Wild West that are not Deadwood, it suffers from an excess of not being Deadwood. Also, Skeet Ulrich has a stupid beard and Christian Kane is possibly the worlds least convincing Lakota Indian, and his pigtails are stupid. So, fail. Mr Ellsworth needs to give them both a good talking to if you ask me.

I was going to write something about the Once a Thief TV series here, but I need to go find Jericho porn, so I'll just say Krycek = Pretty and have done with it. He is pretty though.

PS: I guess if somebody wanted to write me Jacob/Jethro porn, I might reconsider my take on Into the West. Lindsey will always be stupid, though.

Oh my God, I hate buses. Because I was out of town last week, I didn't realise they were striking in Leeds yesterday so like a total plank I waited in the RAIN and the COLD and the DARK and then I had to walk into town where MORE WAITING OCCURED and I was an hour and a quarter late and my manager had the nerve to give me attitude, like I really fucking planned to stand outside that long and maybe get frostbitten toes. And now I owe James cake and/or a monkey holding a puppy for giving me a lift home, and that just WOUNDS MY PRIDE!

But, in gooder news, I now own the second season of new Doctor Who (Genevieve, I blame you for encouraging me to gaze in wonderment at David "way better at being Casanova than Heath Ledger, that knave" Tennent) and HAH! Fiyero is the Prime Minister's aide. It is totally awesome and hilarious and wrongsick all at once, because his voice is MADE OF POSHNESS and it's almost a parody of poshness and then he has to say "rock!" in that voice and it makes me laugh. Although, the Doctor was totally whingy when the Prime Minister blew up those stupid aliens, like slave-trading mind-trick-playing aliens are such a loss to the world. And he's like, waahh, they were leaving, waah, and she's like, yeah, to RETURN WITH MORE ALIEN HOMIES AND ENSLAVE US ALL and the Doctor gets all on his high horse about how evil humanity is, like we didn't already know that we're capable of some of the scuzziest actions in the universe. I mean, I know that, and I haven't been around for squillions of years. Also, I would have done exactly the same thing, only burnier and more painful and, if at all possible, to their children. Because nobody wants a blood feud, am I right? Yeah, I should be the Prime Minister. I'm going to make that my platform when I run for office: A VOTE FOR FROODLE IS A VOTE FOR DEAD ALIEN BABIES! Who's with me?

Also, I have vowed to cut my moaning about Temperance Brennan by at least 20%, based purely on the fact that she makes fun of short people. And encourages My Man Dave to do the same. There should be more mocking of people with genetic conditions on shows that are not House. MOCK FOR JESUS!

Anyway, I am running out of time here and there are potatoes that need eating at home, so I shall just leave you with my thoughts on Happy Feet:- it wasn't as good as the trailer made it look, Robin Williams ruins everything and Hugh Jackman is much more believable as an Elvis-penguin than he is as a posh rat from London. I would marry Memphis. YES EVEN THOUGH HE IS A PENGUIN! Except, of course, I would never cheat on Idina.

Squee! New John Connolly book out on 7th September! Extensive tour dates to coincide with the release date! Yet more opportunities for Froodle to make an idiot of herself in front of an attractive man!

Oh man, seriously, Francis Wolcott is such a complete dude. "Do you think this hat makes my head look big?" Hahah! If I ever become a mad geologist with bizarre sexual proclivities and a tendancy to let my temper run away with me? I want to be Wolcott. Except for the bit about getting the shit kicked out of me by Charlie, because, ouch. It's pretty impressive that in a show with as much strong language as Deadwood, they've managed to write Charlie so consistently that you sit up and gasp the first time he calls someone a cunt.

Also, David Tennant in a fluffy shirt? Totally squeeworthy. I have to say, he makes a much more convincing Casanova than Heath Ledger. Heath Ledger's pretty, but in that wholesome blonde Australian way that screams "puppyish enthusiasm" rather than "charm, wit and charisma", and all the eyeliner in the world isn't going to change that.