...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Hahah and now the old milkman version of mars is in the next episode. Awesome!

What the fuck was that, Supernatural?!

I mean, at first I was quite amused by the fact that even Sam and Dean realise that Twilight is for spackers (take heed, Colin Farrell - at this moment, that means that Sam and Dean are cleverer than you!) and I took a moment to be horrified at the idea of a vampire Justin Bieber, spreading shitty music and ridiculous hair through his infectious bite, and to laugh at the whole "are you wearing glitter?" exchange, but then ( Read more... )

Also, is it just me or is Jared Padalecki's head even more massively over-sized than it was last year? His forehead is so big now, he's a bigger slaphead than the actual bald X-Files guy. Either his head is getting bigger, or his body is shrinking, possibly because his spine is slowly crumbling under the pressure of supporting his gigantic skull. Oh my God, he's hideous, why did they ever bring him back? If he'd stayed in hell, it could just be Dean and his guitar-leg from now on.

So Buzz got all mad about the rest of us "bullying" him on Facebook, and we decided to even it up by making 'shipping pictures for the Mighty Prawn/gingerness and Johnny Heg/Mister Jingles and uploading them. So check it out, now I have 'shipping icons for my own brothers! We even put the poll on Facebook - so far, Buzz/Zefron are in the lead followed by Johnny/Dead Mister Jingles. Prawn/gingerness has no votes, hah!

We were supposed to spend the afternoon clearing up the attic, but we found a box of our old games consoles and got a bit sidetracked. Johnny and I have just spent five hours on Streets of Rage on the SEGA, and Buzz and the Mighty Prawn have been playing the old Pokemon red/blue on their brick-sized Gameboys.

Afterwards we got pizza from the ONE PLACE on the whole south of the island that actually delivers and sat down to watch Supernatural.

Froodle: Ugh, I can't believe they killed off Daddy Winchester and replaced him with the bald dude from X-Files and a bunch of random gimps.
Prawn: I can't believe a fucking Ratattatta defeated my Charizard.
Froodle: What?
Prawn: It's this stupid ugly purple rat thing and it kicked the shit out of my Charizard, even though it totally shouldn't have because Charizard is fire!
Buzz: You shouldn't have used the Moonstone to evolve it so fast.
Froodle: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Johnny: Pokemon is for retards anyway. Sonic is where it was at.
Prawn: Sonic's a fucking gay blue hedgehog, he doesn't even do anything. He's like, "Ooooh, look at me, I'm a fucking blue hedgehog and I collect rings because I'm a retard! Now I'm going to spin around, ooooohhhhh!"
Johnny: Sonic was fucking awesome, you don't even know anything, you're just a sour ginger prawn who's bitter because nobody voted for you.
Prawn: Sonic's gay.
Johnny: Fuck off.
Froodle: He was gay, dude, he had that little fox thing that was his boyfriend.
Johnny: Oh my God, he did not! He had that pink girl hedgehog, what's her name, Amy?
Froodle: She wasn't his girlfriend, she just fancied him. Whenever she showed up Sonic was all like, fuck off Amy Rose, me and Tails have to go have "adventures".
Buzz: The pink girl hedgehog was a metaphor for Sonic's gayness.
Johnny: *picks up a piece of pizza in each hand, then claps his hands over the Mighty Prawn's face* PIZZA ATTACK!
Prawn: ARGH! OH MY GOD, YOU FUCKING GAY BLASTOISE!
Froodle: *barely understandable due to laughing* He's a what?
Prawn: *wiping his face* It's the evolution of a Squirtle - it's this big fat wrinkly turtle with watercanons and it goes around all like, *deep voice* "I'm a gay Blastoise, I have to squirt people because I'm just a fucking dumbass, hhhuuuurrr."
Johnny: I'm not a Blastoise, I'm an awesome Bulbasaur. He's dead cheeky like me - every time anyone asks me to do anything, I'm like, "Bulba...SAUR?"
Froodle: Really? So when you're at work and people are like, "Johnny, can you install this alarm?" you just say "bulbasaur?"
Johnny: Well, I haven't been to work for two weeks, but when they ring up and ask when I'm coming back, I just say "BULBASAUR!" and they're like, oh okay.
Prawn: I'm a sound Squirtle. Buzz is Mewtwo because he was born in a test-tube. Catherine can be Charmander because Charmander is round and orange like her cat.
Froodle: Charmander's clearly the best, then.
Prawn: Not compared to a Squirtle like me.
Buzz: There's something wrong with all of you.
Johnny: Shut up, sour test-tube Mewtwo.

SANYA! Oh Sanya, I love you! I don't even care that you don't lend yourself instantly to a descriptive nickname (Micheal already took Sword Guy and the little Japanese dude is Mister Miyagi, but I don't know any Russian people except for the metal X-Men dude, Krycek and the gay Russian spy from the Stormbreaker books, and he isn't like any of them), I love you just as you are.

In other news, note to self: when deciding to walk along cliff-face footpaths that you last walked as a toddler, and which you quite possibly have imagined, please check what time the sun sets before leaving. This avoids embarrassing situations where you get caught in the fucking wilderness in the dark and have the crap scared out of you by the Cow Mafia.

Also, when the wind is strong enough to knock you several feet back as soon as you open the front door, this is maybe a sign that you should stick to the roads rather than wander off looking for dirt tracks six inches wide, with no fences and straight drops into the sea. You tard.

Do you guys know why the 4400 is better than pretty much every sci-fi/fantasy/horror show ever? It's not because it has Billy Campbell bringing heaven to earth (if the suckfest that was Shark proved anything, it is that not even Billy Campbell can rescue a show that is otherwise dire) or because there's a character whose ability is the power to make shockingly poor B-movie conspiracy thrillers, or even because Joel Gresch is a marvellous actor who really hasn't been given the praise he deserves in previous posts because I'm shallow and would rather talk about how beautiful and earnest his character is. No, the 4400 is better than it's peers because it has never, ever had an episode about bugs.

I hate bugs. I would rather face hoardes of ravening zombies in a nuclear wasteland than see some bugs. And that sucks because, from Buffy to the X-Files via Smallville and Stargate and Supernatural, in every sci-fi-ish show in the whole history of recorded time, there's always an episode about bugs somewhere. Even Heroes did it with that whole Mohinderspider thing - and really, way to take a character whose only positive attribute is his pretty face - not to mention, one of only a few really attractive actors left by that point - and totally wreck it for everyone. Stupid Mohinder. Stupid show.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I just finished watching Fear Itself, and I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with anyone's arachnophobia coming to glaring CGI life on my TV screen that I forgot about the bit at the start where the dude gets attacked by clowns. And now I'm having a total "can't sleep, clown will eat me" moment and I'm trying to distract myself and it's totally not working.

Damn it. I am going to make a hot chocolate and then sit up working on my Marked!Jordan/Shawn smutfic and try not to think about clowns with mouths full of yellowed, needle-sharp teeth and long, jagged fingernails tearing at my flesh OH GOD!

Whelp, I have food poisoning. At least, I hope it's food poisoning and not a stomach virus, because El Snithador is visiting this weekend and I feel Downeyfest will be somewhat lacking if I am lying on the sofa bemoaning my state of unwellness the whole time, and food poisoning usually passes in 48 hours whereas a stomach virus will kick my ass for much longer. Although at least if she does carry out her threat to subject me to the hideous evil that is Zac Efron, I'm already puking and wanting to die, so it will not hurt me as much as it would otherwise.

Anyway, I'm off work, I'm bored, I'm exhausted, I'm cranky and I'm in that place where you're starving but the texture of food in your mouth makes you want to start hurling again, ao to cheer myself up, I thought I would look at some pictures of Jordan and his beard of wonder. And then, because I am so generous of nature, I thought I should come on here and share them with you. And then I thought, "Why stop at Jordanbeard? This is the perfect opportunity to win people over to the cause of the 4400, and possibly trick them into writing porn for you as a get-well gift."

And so, without further ado, I present to you:

The 4400: A Brief Introduction

This is TOM BALDWIN. A long time ago he was a super-badass FBI dude. He was so badass that when his FBI boss took a job at NTAC, he insisted on bringing Tom with him. Then his son KYLE and his nephew SHAWN went to a beach to drink some BEERS. Shawn vanished, Kyle fell into a COMA and Tom took an extended leave of absense to try and solve the TERRIBLE TRAGEDY that had BEFALLEN HIS FAMILY. Tom is very EARNEST and BEAUTIFUL while being MANLY and FORCEFUL at the same time. We love Tom.

This is DIANA SKOURIS. She is TOM'S PARTNER AT NTAC. She likes SCIENCE. She's pretty COOL but she doesn't have a BEARD, so I won't talk about her much.

This is MARCO. He lives in the basement at NTAC. Nobody on the show seems to have a problem with this. He and two randoms that I can't be bothered to find the names of are Tom and Diana's version of the LONE GUNMEN. Marco is in love with DIANA. Unfortunately he looks like a thirteen year old emo kid, so Diana cannot be with him without feeling like a CHILD MOLESTER. That wouldn't bother me, but Diana is a lady of PRINCIPLE so unfortunately their LOVE is DOOMED at least until MARCO hits PUBERTY. Poor MARCO.

This is SHAWN. He is TOM's nephew and one of the 4400. He went missing THREE YEARS AGO and suddenly reappears in a GIANT BALL OF LIGHT. He can HEAL THINGS WITH HIS HANDS. He can also KILL YOUR BITCHASS DEAD if he wants, but he hardly ever does. In the second season, he becomes Jordan's NUMBER ONE BOY WENCH, but after Jordan DUMPS HIM FOR KYLE he becomes very BITTER and ANGRY.

I cannot blame him, as Kyle is FUCKING UGLY and Shawn is BEAUTIFUL.

This is JORDAN. He is BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS. He has a MAGNIFICENT BEARD and may or may not be JEBUS CHRIST. When he is not SAVING MANKIND, he enjoys BREAKING UP MARRIAGES, SEDUCING UNDERAGE BOYS, conquering SEATTLE and BANGING SKANKY ACTRESS HOS. At the end of the series, TOM tries to encourage him to get back together with SHAWN. I thought that was sweet, until I realised he's probably just trying to get Jordan away from KYLE.

This is ISABELLE. She is FUCKING CRAZY and the HARBINGER of the APOCALYPSE. She was engaged to SHAWN, but he broke it off when JORDAN came BACK FROM THE DEAD. She was VERY CROSS and put him in a COMA. Then she took up with KYLE. That was pretty trashy on BOTH THEIR PARTS, I feel.

This is KYLE. He is FUCKING UGLY. Nobody cares about him.

This is TESS. She is MADE FROM CRAZY. Also she can KILL YOU WITH HER BRAIN. It's nice to see Summer Glau apply herself to such a wide and stretching variety of roles.

This is KEVIN. He is WONDERFUL. He is a CRANKY SCIENTIST. He likes SUNFLOWER SEEDS and DOING ILL-ADVISED EXPERIMENTS on himself and others. He is also the only one who really sees how full of crap JORDAN is. JORDAN gets very cross about this, but he can't do anything because Kevin has SUPER HEALING POWERS. Also he is FAR TOO AWESOME AT SCIENCE to be easily replaced.

This is MAJOR LORNE. For some reason he calls himself JED GARRITY in this show, but that is probably because he is a SPY or SOMETHING ELSE COOL. He doesn't really serve any purpose on this list, I just added him because I thought this picture was PRETTY.

Also, I went to see the X-Files movie. It was not good. There seemed to be something missing... some spark of joy and brilliance... what could it be... Oh that's right: no Krycek! Seriously dudes, if you are making an X-Files movie, always stop to ask yourself, "Does this movie contain enough Krycek?" If Krycek-related activities take up less than thirty percent of the total running time, then the answer is "NO!"

I mean, it was shit for a lot of other reasons, but at least if Krycek was in it I'd have something nice to look at rather than having Billy Connolly cause my eyes to bleed with his stupid fucking face.

Man, how ACTION-PACKED is the second season of Jericho? See Jake fly a plane! See Mister Hawkins kill about eighteen thousand guys with his bare hands! See missiles! See stabbings! See Texas save the world! See The Dave's old boss wear a crazy moustache!

And, don't get me wrong, I love car chases and exciting PLANE WARS as much as anyone, but the first season had these really beautiful quiet moments that were just about like, people being people, and didn't involve X-TREME ACTION TO THE MAXX, and I felt that because they were only given seven episodes to wrap the whole thing up, it was all about Jake and Mister Hawkins beating everyone up and so we didn't get that same feeling of... humanness, I guess... that we did in season one, because it was all RARGH NO THE GOVERNMENT IS EVIL AND OWNED BY CORPORATE AMERICA HODGINS WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG RARGH!

Also, I am calling him Mister Hawkins because every time I go to write Hawkins by itself I keep thinking I mean Ben from Carnivale and then I get really confused - is he healing folks or breaking necks? Actually, Ben would probably break necks if he had to, but then he would have to brood and look pretty for the next two episodes, whereas in Jericho brooding and looking pretty is clearly Jake's role. Mister Hawkins has no time for brooding - he only has time for KICKING TERRORIST ASS!

Also! ( Read more... )

Also! I am very sad that the mysterious John Smith did not in fact turn out to be a school-masterly David Tennant. That would have been awesome - David Tennant and Lennie James in a knock-down drag-out fight over a nuclear warhead would have been So Cool.

So in conclusion: it was cool, but CBS are fucking retards and it should never have been cancelled.

Into the West is alright, but like all other shows about the Wild West that are not Deadwood, it suffers from an excess of not being Deadwood. Also, Skeet Ulrich has a stupid beard and Christian Kane is possibly the worlds least convincing Lakota Indian, and his pigtails are stupid. So, fail. Mr Ellsworth needs to give them both a good talking to if you ask me.

I was going to write something about the Once a Thief TV series here, but I need to go find Jericho porn, so I'll just say Krycek = Pretty and have done with it. He is pretty though.

PS: I guess if somebody wanted to write me Jacob/Jethro porn, I might reconsider my take on Into the West. Lindsey will always be stupid, though.

You know, if this continues, I may have to cancel my subscription to We Hate Julia McNamara Monthly. Of course, I shall keep my back issues, as hating her during the first two seasons is completely justified, but ( cut for 3rd season spoilers )