...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Okay, seriously people, I have something important to say here. If you really must ring a call centre and get all attitudey with the monkeys, and then decide that we're not kissing your over-compensating ass enough and try to impress us with your giant vocabulary and massive intellect:

Then for God's sake, don't use a word that is not only wrong, but in fact means pretty much the opposite of what you wanted to say. "Laudable" is a good thing. It is not a word you use when complaining about how we've doubled the amount you pay by monthly direct debit. I don't know if you meant "laughable" or "ludicrous" or maybe even maybe "deplorable," but believe me, you didn't mean laudable.

So before you call us up and go on a rant, do us both a favour and make sure that worth-eighty-million-Scrabble-points word you plan on trying out actually means what you think it does. Because every time you get it wrong, I have to pretend I give a damn about your problem when there are tears of mocking laughter streaming down my cheeks and my teammates are listening on the handset and sniggering and mouthing "what an idiot" at me.

Have some consideration. Now that would be laudable.

Also, don't call up and whine about being a single mother with three kids on benefits. Shut your mouth, shut your legs and go get a fucking job. It's bad enough that you're even alive, without the horror of knowing you've already reproduced multiple times. You get nothing.

I am sure you will all be very pleased to know I survived my trip to The Dirty South reletively unscathed, and had the most AWESOMEST TIME POSSIBLE watching Wicked. I am going to marry Idina Menzel and have ten thousand of her little green babies. For real-real, not for play-play. Although Adam Garcia was totally gay* as Fiyero and the whole Scarecrow thing is just abou the Most Nastiest Thing I Have Ever Heard Of, Ever. He is made of straw! Manparts! Of straw! Oh, it's just dreadful.

Alas, some stupid whore brought her four-year-old child to the show and the little brat yammered all the way through it. Now, far be it for me to tell other people how to live their lives, but if you're stupid enough to think that taking a kid that age to a three-hour show at a London theatre is appropriate, you're really too stupid to be breeding in the first place. I hope they got run down and killed when leaving.

But ANYWAY, apart from that it was an exersise in gleeification and I can honestly say that I will be doing the "toss-toss" thing and quoting bits of the show at work well into the new year, even though nobody will know what I am talking about and will just look at me like I'm crazy.

In other news, everyone should watch Stormbreaker and be all like "Oooooh!" at the scenes that were shot on the Isle of Man, because that is where I am from and it rocks, although unfortunatly we don't have anyone as pretty as Alex Pettifer or even Damien Lewis there. Which is sad, but oh well. Also, Brandon Routh is a big gay spoon who wears too much foundation. YES I SAID IT! Kevin Spacey could kick his ass.

On a completely different note, I would like to add that it is completely INCONCIEVABLE that Lucas Buck is Kim Possible's dad. Now every time I see that episode with the tornado chamber, instead of getting all indignant about Lucas encouraging Caleb to cheat on his science project, I just feel relieved that he didn't wind up giving a miniature battlesuit with working lasers to the class hamster that rampages across campus and destroys half of the science block. Although that would be pretty funny...

*Gay as in homosexual, not gay as in rubbish. He was actually very good. Just... gay. It was strange.

Well, because BT are fucking retarded, it looks like I won't be getting the Intarwebs in my (oh so cool) new apartment anytime soon. A curse and embarrasing social diseases upon them all. Fortunately help is at hand in the form of an internet cafe just down the road from my (as previously mentioned, oh so cool) new place, so I will still be around, just not as frequently.

In the meantime, life goes on as usual; work is work (although a certain Annoying Individual has returned after three months of sick leave and you know, you'd think you'd get over hating someone in three months but no, she still does my face in); I have been watching Boomtown (So good! Lacking the homoeroticness of other, more Miami-Vice-esque cop shows but still... so good!) and Band of Brothers (yay for Donnie Wahlberg, who unlike Mark does not look like a victim of Downs Syndrome), rereading the Alex Rider books in preparation for Alex Pettifer's unbelievable hotness, getting into the Corydon books (lots of fun, despite complete over-use of the word "brazen" when it comes to describing the Gorgons) and flailing over the Miami Vice movie posters springing up at bus stops all over Leeds.

Also the Tribe has completely taken over my morning pre-work viewing sessions - nothing like a dose of Lex's super-Kiwi accent to start the day. I've seen the first three series now, and I have the following things to say:

Bray is gayer than a bag of monkeys.
Danni has the most horrendous voice ever.
Jack and Ellie are the cutest on-screen couple in the history of the world.
Luke needs a good feeding.
The Guardian is awesome.
KC is an absolute sweetheart and May is a bitch for giving Pride that rose.
The bloke playing Pride is such a ham.
Amber has the worst breaking-up-with-someone skills ever. Worse than Methos, even.
Ebony is my hero.
Salene is fugly, pathetic and annoying.
Evil!Trudy rocks.

I love that scene where the Guardian decides to raise "the true generation of Zoot" or whatever, and he gets all the preggos into one room and then he's like, "Stupid girls, how could they let this happen?" You go, the Guardian! The destruction of your civilisation is no reason to have unprotected sex, ladies. And then that one girl goes into labour and Luke is all, "Hoorah, you can be present at the birth of the first of Zoot's children!" and the Guardian's all, "Are you mad? I'm leaving." and then he just walks off and Luke is like, "Well, shit."

Anyway, my hour is nearly up so I shall have to love you and leave you. I'll try to be online at some point next week, so you can all stay tuned for the exciting adventures of me. In the meantime, eat all your vegetables, don't pick fights with the Clergy and watch out for ninjas and monkeys when you're walking alone at night.

Brady? Brady?! Okay, I'm willing to admit a slight bias against pregnant teenagers in any situation, but women who name their children after a 'ship should be beaten to death for sheer stupidity. Can you imagine going through life a "Snarry"? I really didn't think it was possible for me to hate Trudy more than I already do, but it seems I was wrong. Also, there has to be a better seduction technique than getting knocked up by the younger brother of your Object of Affection, waiting until he gets pushed off a balcony, dies and is set on fire, and then telling your Lust Object that you never loved his (recently dead!) little brother anyway. Although at least Brady avoided being called Zooty, which I suppose is one good thing to come out of the fact that Trudy is a Crazy Bitch.

On a much lighter note, ( Nip/Tuck season 3 )

Oh my God! I totally won a trip to Scotland in this prize-draw thingie at work today. So completely awesome! Of course, it's not until the last week in September (deliberately picked to avoid all the screeching hellbrats that abound in summer) but still - totally fucking awesome.

In other news, it has come to my attention that certain people of my aquaintence are dirty, dirty RPS fangirls. We were discussing the "merits" - and I use sarcastic quote marks - of OTH, and I said something to the effect that the only thing keeping me interested were the vague hope that someone is going to swing for Nathans-Meen-and-Fugly-Dad-who-by-the-way-is-Lame-and-a-Total-Has-Been and the whole Nathan/Lucas slashiness, and she said that what I was seeing was the fallout from the fact that the actors who play Nathan and Lucas are attracted to each other in real life. Then I asked how anyone could tell, since the guy playing Lucas doesn't act, he just squints, and we decided he must be related to Micheal Shanks, since Daniel conveys emotions entirely through blinking. He's like that crippled dude in that book that I totally didn't finish because it was boring where he dictates everything by batting an eyelid or whatever and I was all like, just being some kind of ubercripple doesn't make you a good writer. Then I went and read some Byron, oh snap I totally went there!

Also, it really makes me mad when people come up to me and do some dumb shit like telling me to smile or cheer up. Fuck off! If I felt like smiling, I'd fucking smile! I mean, what are you, the fucking Good Mood Nazi? Go fuck yourself and stop trying to dictate other people's facial expressions. I was actually in an okay mood until you came along and made me angry by being a patronizing jackass and now I am scowling because I want to rip your heart out and devour it in front of you, you cockmuncher.

Aww man, Rollo Weeks was in the Little Vampire. Now I really am going to kill myself. Or maybe go back in time and stop him from starring in shitty movies that I watched because I had a crush on various leading actors (Richard E. Grant, you freaks, not that stupid little brat from Jerry Maguire). But then it would be like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer keeps going back in time and changing the course of history in unexpected and disturbing ways, and when I got back to 2006, Scipio would be played by Daniel Radcliffe and Jake Lloyd would be playing Bo, and I'd be like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and Hayden Christensen would cry because everyone gets to say that line except him. You want some ointment for that burn, Hayden Christensen?

In other news, whenever I hear that Darren Hayes song, "Creeping Up On You", it totally reminds me of Pietro and Sp-ke from X-Men: Evolution. I'm not sure when Sp-ke made the transition from "annoying X Tard with lame powers, stupid hair and stupider name" to "stalker", but there you go. Man, I love that show. I wish the WB had released all of it on DVD - I want to see Lance randomly bitchslapping Pietro with an armchair and Pyro watching that video of Magneto bite it over and over while giggling psychotically and that old guy glomping Toad in the subway again. Sigh. I bet it'll be like Gargoyles or EI and it'll get released when I'm like, forty, and I'll be all, "I remember when this first aired" and my many cats will be like, "Whatever. Feed us tuna now plzkthx."

It's here, it's here, it's fucking here! Six days after Play emailed me to let me know it had been dispatched, I now hold in my hands the deliciously molesterable Rollo Weeks a copy of the Thief Lord movie. YES! Hot underage boylove is mine in both fullscreen and widescreen formats. Sadly, the deleted scenes failed to include a Scipio/Prosper snogfest, but I don't care, because I know it happened and that's all that matters.

I was wondering how they were going to handle the after-effects of the roundabout, and I gotta say, that thing with using the original actors voices as their child-selves was just retarded. Especially Barbarossa - even leaving aside the fact that that kid looked like the Anti-Christ (and not a cute Anti-Christ like Adam Young or Damien in the first two Omen movies), that voice would have made any sane person run for the hills. But then again, the movie!Esther and Max were fucking psychotic, so it's probably a fair match.

Speaking of Adam Young, Jasper Harris? Bang on the money. If they ever get around to making Good Omens into a film, dear God, let him be cast. He's such a cutie; that whole "You forgot something important; it's under my jumper... it's me!" made me want to hug him and feed him sugar cookies and let him play with William Bullock in the land of Kids Who Are Just Too Damn Cute For My Black Heart To Withstand. They can throw rocks at Jake Lloyd and that stupid kid from the BSG mini-series from where they sit in the ajoining land of Kids I Hate And Should Be Thrown Out Of Airlocks After Being Eaten By A Fucking Annoying Robodog. What the hell was going on with Bo hallucinating about those animals, though? Uh, Prop, I think someone's been slipping your kid brother LSD on the sly...

For some reason, Vanessa Redgrave - who is in the film for like, twenty seconds - is the only cast member named on the back of the case, presumably because it's better than writing "starring that dude who was in the Scarlet Pimpernel and a bunch of Hornblower alumni that you've probably never heard of unless you're a total nerd who whores for Jamie Bamber in breeches". But seriously, what the hell? Why not just write "cast of rising young stars", because I guaran-fucking-tee, we'll be hearing from Rollo Weeks again when I kidnap him for my own depraved purposes and his parents start a campaign to rescue their poor, sweet child from my clutches.

More to come later on meeting John Connolly, the second season of Deadwood, and why Dan Dority needs to marry me like right the hell now.

It really pisses me off when the writers for TV shows try to use little kids to really "bring home" how awful a situation is. Case in point: that scene in BSG right after the big Cylon attack where Roslin is talking to that little girl (Cami?) and the little girl is all, "I'm going to meet Mummy and Daddy and we're going out for dinner and I'm going to have chicken pie and then we're going home and Daddy will read me a story and then I'm going to bed," and of course, we all know that Mummy and Daddy and all the chickens were incinerated in the big ol' Holocaust and poor little Cami will never get to have chicken pie again.

And you know what? I still don't care. I mean, I care about humanity being wiped out and the few survivors being hunted to the edges of the galaxy by a race of implacable killer toasters, but I don't care any more just because Cami doesn't get to eat pie. In fact, it kind of makes me want to jump up and down and yell "Your Mummy and Daddy are dead! They died a horrible burny death made from lasers and their eyeballs probably boiled in their sockets and their skin was flensed away from their flesh before they merifully lost conciousness, and they're never coming back and you'll never get to eat pie ever again so there you horrible snot-nosed little brat!"

This could be why nobody ever asks me to be the President in times of crisis. Damn my inherently jerky nature.

I really need to quit my job. I never had any faith in humanity to begin with, but lately it's being getting to the point where I actually have negative faith. Even being infuriatingly polite to drivelling fucktards in order to wind them up even more no longer brings me that spark of malevolent glee which it used to. Now I just sit there and hope their entire family gets brutally murdered by cannibalistic space-rapists from the future. And they survive, but they get leprosy and all their parts fall off and small children throw things at them in the street and they shed a single, leporous tear as they think "If only I hadn't been such an obnoxious jackass as to call down the Wrath of Froodle, I would have nbeen spared all this" and then I drive by in my limosine and splash them with water, only the water carries the Bubonic Plague and is also made of acid.

Not that I sit around and think about this or anything.

Of course, what is far more likely is that the boiling fountain of rage that lives within me will one day very soon reach critical mass and explode through my nervous system, burning out everything that was once recognisable as a person and leaving me naught but an empty vessel filled with raw killing power. And after that, it's just a hop, skip and a lava pool to killing small children and living out the remainder of my years as an evil black robot.

Eventually, I will learn not to watch Nip/Tuck and try to eat at the same time. Because seriously? That delicious chilli you've spent the afternoon making suddenly looks a lot less appetizing when Christian and Shaun start pulling massive, bloody hunks of meat out of people.

Urgh.

On the other hand, it is quite possible that I shall never, ever stop laughing over the line "I'm putting Pussy Lips back on the schedule!" God, I love Christian. He's such a dick. Also, I was killing myself over Liz telling Christian she only wanted him to be a sperm donor so her kid would be pretty and his completely gutted expression. Of course, the way things usually work out for Christian, that poor kid would have ended up inheriting his "Ability To Make People Want To Fuck My Pretty Face Up Good" gene along with said pretty face, so it's all for the best. Plus I didn't have to lose the awesomeness that is Liz to the Breeder Faction, which would have hurt my feelings.

And also?

Shut up Julia, shut up Julia, shut up Julia.