froodle | Entries tagged with tigerland

I am watching SWAT, which is basically the saddest and most tragic love story of how Colin Farrell and Hawkeye were in beautiful love and then it all became horrible and sad.

So what happens is, Hawkeye and Colin Farrell are police dudes in LA and they are totally awesome and everyone loves them, but then this mean dude who is totally jealous sentanced them to ten thousand years in a dungeon cleaning boots, and Hawkeye was like, fuck this, let's ride into space on our unicorns and be all evil and wear a variety of criminal hats and generally fuck shit up! And Colin Farrell's like, no, it's not space's fault that this mean dude is making us do ten thousand years dungeon, let's stay and protect LA!

Then Hawkeye gets all.mad and is like, you have betrayed our love, Colin Farrell, and I hate you forever! and he throws Colin Farrell across the locker room and flies away into space alone, and Colin Farrell has to do dungeon by himself and he's all broken-hearted and crying inside and lives on the beach with his unicorn, who has turned into a dog because Colin Farrell's broken heart has sucked all the magic away.

Anyway, then Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson comes along and he's like, I know your heart is all broken and shit, but LA still needs protecting and you have to inspire these other police dudes because reasons, so Colin Farrell kind of has a reason to live again, but then Hawkeye is like OH NO YOU FUCKING DO NOT!! and he invades LA with dinosaurs and French dudes and rocket launchers, and he and Colin Farrell totally get into it and then Hawkeye gets run over by a train and so they never find happiness and that's the end of the movie.

And then Colin Farrell goes to Vietnam where he saves Alaric from doom and Alaric basically makes a whole movie about how in love with Colin Farrell he is, and Hawkeye is in a film about bombs that wins loads of awards even though it is totally boring amd nothing even happens.

Oh, and the dog eventually changed back into a unicorn and together he and Colin Farrell crossed Asia, bringing civilisation and Jared Leto to the world.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

The problem with Tigerland porn is that most of the people who write it get all inspired about the fact that the movie is this perfect epic masterpiece of pure beauty, and set out to write these amazing in-depth stories full of meaning and wonder, and I just want to read about Colin Farrell and Alaric having crazy post-Vietnam survivor!sex and I don't want to read fifty thousand words of character-driven authentic world-building blah-blah-blah things that are not porn. Basically, Tigerland fandom is not shallow enough, and it makes me sad.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Oh my fucking God, Tigerland, you break my fucking heart! Oh! Oh Colin Farrell! Oh Alaric! Oh the world!

I had this whole sarcastic post planned about how, if Colin Farrell had been Alaric's vampire boyfriend instead of Damon, Alaric would have survived the events of season three but would have killed himself anyway because vampire!Colin Farrell would mean he'd gotten stuck in that shitty Fright Night remake and death would be preferable, but I don't have it in me to get bitchy now because OH MY GOD THE BITTERSWEET SADNESS OF THAT ENDING! I actually have sadness in my very arms, it is so sad! Oh!

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Dudes, I am very confused by the Vampire Diaries - why is Stern Hot History Teacher (formerly known as the dude from Wasting Away who ISN'T Wendal in Bones, formerly known as the dude from Tigerland who was in love with Colin Farrel, possibly known to some people as Matt Davis) now a super-old mega-vampire BUT YET AT THE SAME TIME just a regular Stern Hot History Teaching human guy? I cannot tolerate the Stern Hot History Teacher being messed with; he's the only one I like in the show. Damon is only acceptable because of his obvious love for the Stern Hot History Teacher, and everyone else is a non-hot spoontard.

Oh, also, I read this book called Johannes Cabal the Detective - it's basically this snarky German necromancer who bumbles around foiling plots and being snarky and having no morals, assisted by a snarky English Christian lady who bumbles around being snarky and full of morals. I quite like it.

I AM ALIVE! If you imagined me saying that in the voice of Sarah from Hocus Pocus, you are exactly right, except I am not wearing quite such a cleavage-enhancing outfit at this moment.

Long story short, back in January, I apparently made God super angry with me and as a result he punished me by giving me a new cuntface of a manager and a hideous Bernard Manning/Sloth/Cave Troll hybrid agent in the same week, and then my laptop broke a little bit but I was already really tense and impatient so I Hulksmashed it into a wall and then it was somewhat more than a little bit broken and by then I had become addicted to freebase crack in order to deal with Cuntrag and Bernard so all my spare money went on that rather than getting a new laptop BUT! Now I have a new manager and a team of mostly-humans and so I have cleaned myself up and YAY INTARNETS!

By the way, some of that last paragraph was totally a lie, but unfortunately the bit about a coworker who resembles the lovechild of Bernard Manning, Sloth and the Cave Troll from the first Lord of the Rings movie is factually accurate. I didn't actually become a junkie, but only because I don't know where to get drugs from.

ANYWAY! Oh my God dudes, I just watched the last season of Heroes and it almost half-way did not suck. I estimate that I was not actively annoyed for at least 60% of the time. Also, Sylar would be fine if he just concentrated on being bitchy instead of trying and failing to be a badass killer dude. Adam Monroe completely needs to be some kind of crime-fightin' lawyer guy with an insane hatred of Quantum Leap. I would totally watch that. Maybe he can joined Major Lorne in the world of "Bones crossovers that are not real but totally should be". I think an Adam Monroe/Hodgins snark-off would make the world a million times better.

Hmm, what else... oh, the Vampire Diaries is pretty lame. Stern Hot History Teacher (formerly known as The Guy From Tigerland That Isn't Colin Farrell) is hot and stern, and Damon is fun in a super low-budget version of Angelus kind of way. Everyone else is retarded though.

I have not seen the Lost Boys 3 yet - I bet it is beautiful though. Nobody tell me different, okay? Also, Colin Farrell is going to be a vampire in a Fright Night remake next year and his enemy is going to be Jailbait Checkov from the new Star Trek movie - that does not seem like a fair fight to me. It's like pitting Micheal Jackson against Darth Vader.

That's pretty much it - as you can all see, I didn't go away and develop any kind of life while I was interwebsless. In fact, I pretty much just watched more TV and movies and thought about what kind of TV and movies I would like to see in the future. In case you were wondering, they still mostly involve Daddy Winchester, Colin Farrell, or werewolves. Or some combination thereof.

Oh, except also now I want a show in which Shatner and Tori Spelling fight crime in space, and The Dave is the main villian. Every episode will either end with Shatner waving his fists in the air and yelling "THE DAAAAAAAVEEEEE!" or a close-up shot of The Dave's evilly shifting eyes with an ominous music track playing in the background. I haven't put any werewolves or Daddy Winchesters in there yet. I don't think Daddy Winchester and The Dave would approve of each other. I just feel it in my soul.

Okay dudes, googlebrat has come up with the awesome concept of the Anti-Wishlist. No, it's not a list of things that are shit that I do not want you to buy for me. These are beautiful things that I already own, that I think other people should also own. Because they are beautiful.

In the grand tradition of all the best memes, once you have read my Anti-Wishlist and been overwhelmed by my good taste and encyclopedic knowledge of everything that is good ever, you have to write your own Anti-Wishlist. Be it games, music, books, films, TV shows, whatever, make a list of ten things you think other people should want for Christmas, and why.

How To Rob A Bank

Dudes, it totally offends me that more of you are not talking about the greatness of this movie. It basically starts with Nick Stahl (aka Ben Hawkins from Carnivale) ranting about bank surcharges while trapped in a bank vault, then moves to him ripping the duct-tape off the mouth of Jessica, a saucy librarian type (saucy librarians are my favourite kind of librarian, FYI) who proceeds to verbally abuse him, which prompts him to snap "Whoa there, Skippy. If I wanted more verbal abuse, I would just call some customer service centre somewhere." She mutters something behind the gag, and Ben (he will henceforth be refered to as Ben) asks sarcastically, "What was that? Was that 'Sorry for being a bitch'? 'I'll be nicer now?'" Anyway, Ben goes on to get into a snarking match via mobile phone with Balthazar from Constantine, who is there trying to rob the vault, and is cranky because Ben has ruined his plan by getting stuck in there when he ran for cover during the robbery and the door closed behind him. There's a lot of completely genius moments, but my personal favourites are the scene where Ben gets Balthazar and the hostage negotiator, Officer Degepse, on a conference call and cons Balthazar into apologising to Degepse and Degepse into accepting the apology, before being distracted by Jessica and hanging up after telling them to "talk among yourselves," and the moment when Balthazar's 'phone battery dies, prompting him to walk out of the bank, hurl his mobile at the SWAT officers surrounding him, hitting Degepse in the head, and then staring at them for a long moment before walking calmly back inside.
Carnivale

Seriously guys, why have more of you not watched this yet? If you liked Twin Peaks, American Gothic or Eerie Indiana, you should be watching Carnivale. Beautiful Nick Stahl takes time out from screwing up bank robberies in order to play the worlds unhappiest Avatar of Light. Ben wanders around looking miserable and confused, pausing occaisonally to shag Clea Duvall and Adrienne Barbeau, pretty much making him my hero for life. Meanwhile, Clancy Brown proves his evilness by making a mean paedophile dude kill himself (what?) and totally wanting his sister, while Cynthia Ettinger and Tim DeKay have pretty much the hottest on-screen romance that I have ever seen, ever. This is basically Twin Peaks if it was on HBO and took place in a travelling circus with strippers. It's awesome, and you should all be ashamed for not loving it like I do.
The 4400

I have pimped this in way more detail here, but this is basically Heroes if Heroes had a cast where everybody could act instead of leaving the beautiful Pasdar to struggle on alone, and the characterization, dialogue and plotting didn't totally fucking suck. In brief, a giant ball of light appears over Seattle, and from it emerges a whole mess of people who have disappeared over the last 60 years. They haven't aged a day, and some of them have come back with magical powers. A beautiful, earnest government agent dude with a penchant for being in a shower whenever an important plot point comes up investigates. There are flavours of man-hottness to suit every palette, and oh, it's quite a good show too.
Profit

Speaking of the beautiful Pasdar... this is pretty much him wandering around naked, with messy hair and too much eyeliner, while being evil in a variety of ways and narrating about how evil he is. Oh, and sleeping with his mum. AWESOME! My favourite bits are when he persuades a woman to go back to her estranged husband, even though he knows that the dude is a total psycho who will probably kill her, because it's the only way the husband will sign a deal that means more monies for the Pasdar, and the part where he deliberately traps another character alone with the uncle who molested her when she was thirteen, and then is totally smug and gleeful about it in the voice-over. That's some cold shit, the Pasdar. And I love it.
Wasting Away

You guys, this is simply the best zombie movie EVER. Yes, better than Dawn of the Dead. Yes, better than Shaun of the Dead. Yes, better even than if they made a movie of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and somehow were able to travel back in time and get thirty-year-old Colin Firth to star in it. The premise is that a bunch of people get infected with Zombie, except they don;t know that they're zombies and they think everyone else is all crazy and high-pitched and runs around really fast. They meet this other dude who tells them that they're super-soldiers, except it turns out he's just this zombie caretaker dude and then he goes crazy and does a dance. Wendall from Bones and the guy from Tigerland who isn't Colin Farrell star. It's marvellous. Why aren't you watching it right now? In fact, why aren't I?! Fuck this list, I'll finish it later.

How To Rob A Bank

Dudes, it totally offends me that more of you are not talking about the greatness of this movie. It basically starts with Nick Stahl (aka Ben Hawkins from Carnivale) ranting about bank surcharges while trapped in a bank vault, then moves to him ripping the duct-tape off the mouth of Jessica, a saucy librarian type (saucy librarians are my favourite kind of librarian, FYI) who proceeds to verbally abuse him, which prompts him to snap "Whoa there, Skippy. If I wanted more verbal abuse, I would just call some customer service centre somewhere." She mutters something behind the gag, and Ben (he will henceforth be refered to as Ben) asks sarcastically, "What was that? Was that 'Sorry for being a bitch'? 'I'll be nicer now?'" Anyway, Ben goes on to get into a snarking match via mobile phone with Balthazar from Constantine, who is there trying to rob the vault, and is cranky because Ben has ruined his plan by getting stuck in there when he ran for cover during the robbery and the door closed behind him. There's a lot of completely genius moments, but my personal favourites are the scene where Ben gets Balthazar and the hostage negotiator, Officer Degepse, on a conference call and cons Balthazar into apologising to Degepse and Degepse into accepting the apology, before being distracted by Jessica and hanging up after telling them to "talk among yourselves," and the moment when Balthazar's 'phone battery dies, prompting him to walk out of the bank, hurl his mobile at the SWAT officers surrounding him, hitting Degepse in the head, and then staring at them for a long moment before walking calmly back inside.
Carnivale

Seriously guys, why have more of you not watched this yet? If you liked Twin Peaks, American Gothic or Eerie Indiana, you should be watching Carnivale. Beautiful Nick Stahl takes time out from screwing up bank robberies in order to play the worlds unhappiest Avatar of Light. Ben wanders around looking miserable and confused, pausing occaisonally to shag Clea Duvall and Adrienne Barbeau, pretty much making him my hero for life. Meanwhile, Clancy Brown proves his evilness by making a mean paedophile dude kill himself (what?) and totally wanting his sister, while Cynthia Ettinger and Tim DeKay have pretty much the hottest on-screen romance that I have ever seen, ever. This is basically Twin Peaks if it was on HBO and took place in a travelling circus with strippers. It's awesome, and you should all be ashamed for not loving it like I do.
The 4400

I have pimped this in way more detail here, but this is basically Heroes if Heroes had a cast where everybody could act instead of leaving the beautiful Pasdar to struggle on alone, and the characterization, dialogue and plotting didn't totally fucking suck. In brief, a giant ball of light appears over Seattle, and from it emerges a whole mess of people who have disappeared over the last 60 years. They haven't aged a day, and some of them have come back with magical powers. A beautiful, earnest government agent dude with a penchant for being in a shower whenever an important plot point comes up investigates. There are flavours of man-hottness to suit every palette, and oh, it's quite a good show too.
Profit

Speaking of the beautiful Pasdar... this is pretty much him wandering around naked, with messy hair and too much eyeliner, while being evil in a variety of ways and narrating about how evil he is. Oh, and sleeping with his mum. AWESOME! My favourite bits are when he persuades a woman to go back to her estranged husband, even though he knows that the dude is a total psycho who will probably kill her, because it's the only way the husband will sign a deal that means more monies for the Pasdar, and the part where he deliberately traps another character alone with the uncle who molested her when she was thirteen, and then is totally smug and gleeful about it in the voice-over. That's some cold shit, the Pasdar. And I love it.
Wasting Away

You guys, this is simply the best zombie movie EVER. Yes, better than Dawn of the Dead. Yes, better than Shaun of the Dead. Yes, better even than if they made a movie of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and somehow were able to travel back in time and get thirty-year-old Colin Firth to star in it. The premise is that a bunch of people get infected with Zombie, except they don;t know that they're zombies and they think everyone else is all crazy and high-pitched and runs around really fast. They meet this other dude who tells them that they're super-soldiers, except it turns out he's just this zombie caretaker dude and then he goes crazy and does a dance. Wendall from Bones and the guy from Tigerland who isn't Colin Farrell star. It's marvellous. Why aren't you watching it right now? In fact, why aren't I?! Fuck this list, I'll finish it later.

Dudes, I have just seen not one but two of the most marvellous movies I had never heard of before this weekend: Weirdsville, in which a group of preppy Satantists get curb-stomped by a quartet of mace-wielding midgets in medieval battle gear, and Wasting Away, in which a talking severed head leads a group of zombie bowling enthusiasts on a quest to found the Undead Holy Land. Quotes of utter joy include "Oh, this is all my fault! If I had a body I wouldn't have fallen out of the damn truck!" "Do you think Mexican brains are spicy?" and "Brain margheritas?"

Also, for extra comedic value, the lead midget in Weirdsville is the same midget that got karate-chopped by Colin Farrell in In Bruges, and the severed head in Wasting Away is the dude who played the soldier that was completely in love with Colin Farrell's character in Tigerland.

Clearly this proves that Colin Farrell is at the epicentre of everything that is good and pure in this life.

Aw man, I should totally not put A Home at the End of the World as the last movie I watched for Colinfest, seeing as how it always makes me cry a little bit. In fact, I have just watched Colin Farrel lose four boyfriends and one daddy figure in a single evening and I'm totally sad now. I need to go and watch something happy and beautiful before I go to sleep, but I lent my copy of Once Upon A Time In Mexico to a friend, boo! You guys need to recommend some other good films with cheery endings to me.

Oh wait! I totally forgot about Hairspray. Screw you Zac Efron, I deserve some damn cheer right about now and your stupid cancer-inducing face isn't going to stand in the way of happy songs about chocolate and cake.

SWAT is the cinematographic equivilent of the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup; sure, if that was all you ate, you'd eventually die of malnutrition, but damn if it isn;t just about the yummiest thing on the face of the earth. Colin Farrell being hot, kicking ass and having his trademark pointy hair, with side orders of Jeremy Renner and LL Cool J, topped off with Samuel L Jackson being awesome and French people being beaten up - it's pretty much the ultimate snack food... I mean movie.

Dissapointed with Intermission, though; I mean, Cillian Murphy and Colin Farrell in the same film should be a recipe for sexy Irish goodness, but the entire movie left me feeling kind of "meh". I suspect Colin's lack of hair contributed considerably to my low opinion.

Tigerland and Alexander are still awesome, and of course, A Home at the End of the World remains one of the most beautiful, moving, and altogether excellent films I have ever seen. Dallas Roberts is awesome, and should totally do more stuff; I was so excited when I saw him in the trailer for Walk the Line, and so gutted that he didn't have a bigger part. But then, I was busy being traumatised by Larry from Buffy playing Marshall Grant, so maybe I wouldn't have noticed.