...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Guysguysguys! I have to tell you about this AMAZING film I have discovered. It is about Crixus fighting DEVIL COWS and it is called "Crixus versus Devil Cows"* and it is perfect!

Okay, so it has one teeny tiny flaw, and that flaw is that for the whole first five minutes, there is NO CRIXUS, but instead there is this crazy old king dude who wears a SERIOUSLY mad hat and he monologues hammily and brilliantly (not in an amnoying way like some anthony hopkinses I could mention) and then I think he falls down a hole with the devil cows, but like, for no reason - one minute him and his mad hat are monologuing crazily, then BAM, in a hole.

Okay, so after that we are in a desert, I guess, and Crixus and a dude are gonna steal some stuff from like, a bald wizard dude, but not bald in an actually scary evil way like Voldemort, he's just some old bald dude who is REALLY camp and over the top at villain-being. And Crixus is basically like "yay wacky adventure time!" and dudes this is so terrible, I think Crixus is trying to be like, cool and funny in like a Han Solo, Indiana Jones action hero-y way, but it's so weird and hes so bad at it!

Also the wizard dude is hilariously useless, like Crixus has an invisibility cloak and the wizard dude is like "what's that?" and Crixus is all, "its my invisibility cloak, I glowered at three English teenagers until they wept and handed it over, it was really funny!" and then he puts it on and, obviously, he's invisible, but the wizard dude TOTALLY freaks out, like "YARG ARGH WHAT IS HAPPENING!" and like, one, its an invisibily cloak, not an eldritch abomination from beyond the cosmos, don't be such a fucking pussy, and two, Crixus literally just told you it was an invisibility cloak, and while he does have a fairly noticable kiwi accent, it's not as if he's hard to understand, pay attention!

Oh, and right before he vanishes, Crixus sticks his tongue out at the dude. No word of a lie. It was worth the £3 I spent on this DVD purely for that moment. Actually, if the dude was as busy going "what the fuck Crixus!" as I was, it's probably not suprising that he missed the bit of info about the cloak.

And there's a dude with piranha teeth and a really obviously painted-on boat on a really obviously painted-on sea, and there is a truly terrible fight scene where I think Crixus genuinely got jabbed in the eye coz either his eyes are watering or Sinbad is a huge pussy.

Then he goes to an island on his awesomely fake ship and some of his dudes die and he's trying to have "my best bro is dead I will avenge him" sadtimes but dude, you're not in Spartacus right now, sack up.

Then he pranks a demonic monster cow into falling down a hole, which is fucking hilarious, then some more of his dudes die and there's more of him crying and vowing to kill dudes, then he goes nuts and just starts hopping about like an epileptic on meth for no reason.

And then, and this is the most beautiful bit of this whole beautiful film, the dudes on the island turn into zombie cow mutant hybrids!

So then the rest of the movie is Crixus battling all this cow-zombie dudes (maybe werecows is a better description?) and jumping off shit, which he loves to do, and eventually all his dudes are dead, and all the zombie werecows are dead, oh and the wizard and the piranha dude are dead because I guess they were there too for some reason, and then it's the end.

Oh and I guess I should warn you, in the last scene he's looking at this bird and the bird is not Naevia or even Naevia 2 and it's pretty gross but it gets worse because OH MY GOD THEY'RE KISSING THAT'S WRONG SHE IS NOT EITHER OF THE NAEVIAS NO CRIXUS THAT'S A BAD CRIXUS.

So basically, it is a terrible, terrible film, and I love it, and you all need to watch it and basically write me INSANE crossover fanfiction that explains why Crixus essentially took a year off from fighting slavery to go to an island and fight zombie cows. Bonus points for Spartacus 2 being super judgemental about a gap year plan that involves werecows and magic items more suitable for highschoolers.

*Possibly it is called Sinbad and the Minotaur, but my title does a better job of selling the movie.

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...oh, never mind, Caroline just killed her. To save Bonnie, of all people. Ugh.

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So it's night time at Camp Spartacus, and what's that coming over the hill? HOLY SHIT IT'S SOME ROMAN DUDES! Except, oh wait, it's Spartacus, Gannicus and Crixus playing a really misjudged prank on their guys. So Spartacus nearly gets set on fire, and he's like, "fuck it if you can't take a joke, extra training and no sleeps for everyone!"

Meanwhile, creepy roman Haldir is hitting on Seppia, and Seppia.is like, "man my brother was like fifty times hotter than you, fml i should have just stayed home and borne his flipper kids," and suddenly the doors slam open and Poodle busts in like "fe fi fo foc, here comes Illithia to block your cock!" and Seppia is like, "outta here, suckas!"

So then all the slave dudes are rowing about whose fault it is they suck so bad, and Crixus is like "rarrarrarr!" and Agron is like "sorry, i dont speak little bitch, what was that?" and Gannicus is still trying to make it up with Onemaius, but Onemaius still wants fuck all to do with him, so thats sad.

Then Spartacus and Mira are having the traditional awkward post-breakup post-mortem, and I was all ready to be like, "fuck you Spartacus!" but man, Spartacus 2 really sells the idea that, basically, this dude totally wants to be able to give Mira what he needs, and move on and be happy with another woman, but is just utterly incapable of getting past his wife's death, and I was completely like, "aww, poor mira!" but now im equally like, "aww, poor spartacus!" so good job, I guess?

Ugh, then creepy Haldir and Poodle are discussing their relationship woes, like anybody gives a fuck, and blahlahblah more roman drama that nobody cares about.

So Spartacus has Agron go to the liquor store for him, because his squabbling brat army has driven him to drink, and Agron comes back with an entire CARTLOAD of booze, and Crixus is like, "spartacus! spartacus! agron is totally disobeying orders again oh my god!" like, shut UP crixus, but i cant really stay mad because his hair is RIDICULOUSLY lovely in this episode - its like a baby duck and a labrador are living on his head.

uhhh, anyway... so basically Spartacus has his dudes pair up with another dude who they are sour with to fight another pair of dudes. And it's great, and the watching dudes are just chucking wine over the fighting dudes, and Gannicus is leaning, which he does really well because he is, after all, the spawn of Jared Leto and man, I am in love with ALL of these dudes right now.

oh, then that dude, the blond roman one that poodle was trying to marry, he turns up, and he's like "go back to rome creepy haldir, everyone thinks you suck."

okay, back to Fight Club: Spartacus Edition. Mira and Saxa have post-victory smoochies, and Spartacus is like, "damn she moved on fast, but on the other hand, thats in my spank-bank forever now!"

Actually that may just have been my reaction, whatevs, because the next team of sours to throw down is Crixus and Agron versus Gannicus and Onemaius, and its brilliant.

So Spartacus is all like, "YO GANNICUS YOU'RE UP!" and Gannicus is like, "whu? i didnt hear you because i was literally face down in boobies," and at this point I realise that Gannicus's voice isnt either a speech impediment or a bizarre regional variation on the Aussie accent - its slurred because he's constantly plastered.

And Gannicus kind of wobbles into the fighting ring and passes his wine jug to some randomer and is like, "hold this, you fuck, but do not drink it!"

And Onemaius is still pretty sour with him, but obviously the two of them completely SPANK crixus and agron, but the best bit of this whole beautiful scene is where Gannicus pounds crixus into the dirt, stands up, grabs the wine, has a drink, and then goes back and beats him up some more. Like, literally, if he had whipped his cock out and slapped crixus in the face with it, that could not have been a more hilarious example of emasculation.

Then in the end Agron and Crixus are bros again, and they're like "yay we did awesome!" even though, you know, not really, and they go off to drink and pretend they didnt just get their asses handed to them, and there is YET MORE LOVELINESS because nasir and naevia trail after them with their arms around each other, like, i totally want fic that is just nasir and naevia hanging out and being awesome together.

then seppia tries to kill ugly haldir, but then poodle shows up and stabs her, then there's creepy bloodsoaked haldir/poodlesex, like, ugh, is there a need?!

But its okay because OH MY GOD beautiful Naevia and Crixus sex, then beautiful Gannicus drunkenly stumbling (because if you recall, he is also the child of Colin Farrell) but aww man, here come the romans to ruin everyones fun.

so everyone is in the woods and theres fighting and a roman dude runs up like "good news, spartacus and his dudes are in retreat!" and BAM, here come spartacus and gannicus, jumping off shit and stabbing bitches like its cool, and the other roman dudes are like "wtf that is the exact opposite of retreat, who taught you english?!" or latin or whatever the fuck they speak.

so roman bitches are in the temple, and theres an awesome bit where crixus basically goes "RRRAAAAAARRRRRR!" for about thirty seconds, not fighting or anything, just saying "RAR!" and then gannicus and spartacus just pimp-strut in with the blond roman guy as their captive, like you can tell Gannicus has Eye of the Tiger playing in his head, and the rebels are like SWEET, VICTORY!

but no, because creepy haldir is a fucking cheater, so he's just hanging in the woods like an absolute pussy, and when all the dudes are inside he's like, "BLAM! FIREBALLS!" and even then he sucks because he kills like one rebel and TONNES of romans.

so the walls around the temple collapse and creepy haldir, ashur and the ashurettes bust in, and one of the ashurettes stabs Onemaius through the hand, into his fucking eye!

so Gannicus is like, "its fuck this noise oclock, guys!" and he grabs Onemaius and they just haul ass out of there along with the rest of the rebels, and Agron, Crixus and Spartacus stay behind to set shit on fire and glower dramatically at Haldir and his minions, I guess because none of them got to help set the arena on fire and they dont want to feel left out?

and now all the rebels are on a mountain and Haldir is laughing at them because they have no food, so thats a nice dramatic setting for the season finale which is what is happening in the next episode.

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So previously, Spartacus 2 was like, "hey Agron, go get us some dudes to join our rebellion gang" and Agron was like, "sweet, am i allowed to pick dudes who arent pissy french bitches?" and Crixus is all "AAAAAAAARGH FUCK YOU AGRON" and Spartacus 2 is like "KNOCK IT OFF you two already totally embarrassed me in front of gannicus and his assless chaps with your sibling rivalry bullshit!"

So agron comes back like, "sweet news, Spartacus 2, i found a ship just LOADED with dudes!" and so they go to the ship and Agron's like, "YO FELLOW GERMANS, WHO HERE WANTS FREEDOM AND VIOLENCE?" and the germans are like, "DO WE EVER!"

And then there's a lot of Agron yelling excitedly in German and being totally adorable. like, you know how he and duro basically giggled their way through season one? even more adorable than that!

then gannicus is in capua and he goes up to some fat roman dude, like, "give me money, i need booze and whores, also, have you seen my freedom sword?" and the dude is like, "here's some coins in appreciation of your years wearing assless chaps, now how about we watch the main roman guy give an annoying speech and crucify some slaves?"

and gannicus is like, "i dunno, that sounds like a sour time to me" so he bails to a brothel/tavern.

then ONEMAIUS IS UP and him and naevia and crixus have a totally lovely group hug, like, aaawwww, remember how back in the day onemaius once hit crixus in the face with a shield just for saying hello? good times, good times.

then spartacus gets back with the new dudes, and everyone's like, "awesome, got some fightin' dudes! way to go agron!" but obviously crixus has to cockblock anyone from ever having happyfeels, so he's all, "boooo germans! booooooo!" and spartacus is like, "man, don't be a negative nellie crixus!" and crixus is like, "ps agron is totes gonna take over now" and spartacus is like "seriously, must you ruin everything?" and crixus is like, "yes, its actually my gladiator superpower" and spartacus is like, "oh, okay then, n/m, i thought you were doing it to be a prick."

then theres some roman bullshit, creepy ashur rape, creepy main roman guy hitting on the sister of the dude he killed in the last episode, poodle whining.

then beautiful gannicus is chillin' in the brothel, and ashur is like, "hey gannicus my best bro, main roman guy wants to see you, also, mind if i crucify this hooker you're hangin' with?" and gannicus is like, "man, everyone is getting crucified these days, try to have some original cool style, dude" and ashur is like, "whatevs, do you want your freedom stick or not?"

so main roman guy is like, join my dudes, gannicus, and gannicus is like, can i think about it, coz you seem creepy and dislikable? and main roman guy is like, okay fine, so gannicus leaves, and roman guy is like, "ashur, please send one of the ashurettes to make sure gannicus doesnt try to get out of joining my dudes" and ashur, the fucking retard, chooses the ashurette with the tat'd-up face for a covert spying mission.

then poodle and xena fake an almost-miscarriage to get away from ashur and the main roman guy, and there's an awesome bit where poodle is like OH I AM DYING and keeps alternating between swooning and checking the main dudes reaction.

then... fucking hell, crixus is being a little bitch in this episode... he runs up to spartacus like, "spartacus, spartacus, agron went out hunting with his dudes and didnt get permission, oh my god!" so spartacus goes into the woods like, AGRON YOU'RE GETTING A LECTURE and agron's like SERIOUSLY CRIXUS YOU SNITCHED ME OUT WTF DUDE?! and crixus is like HAHAH YOU'RE GETTING IN TROUBLE! and Spartacus is like FUCK IT EVERYONE IS GROUNDED!

ummmm, then xena tries to get gannicus to kill the main roman dude, and actually her reasoning is pretty sound, but by this point i dont trust that fucking bitch at all and hopefully gannicus doesnt either because he basically just drunkenly yells at her to go away.

so at the temple all the dudes are having a party (obviously in spartacus-times grounding does exist as a concept, but they havent worked out the fine details) and the germans are throwing mad shapes on the dance floor and crixus is sulking and in the end even naevia is like, "you know ratting your bros out is like a violation of the mancode right?" and shit, they are so lovely when they look at each other, i almost wasnt rolling my eyes at crixus until he basically said agron was worthless. SIGH.

then there is a great bit where this german dude is like "YO ONEMAIUS SING WITH ME AND SHARE MY WOMEN," not paraphrasing.

but then, and god, theres always one who has to ruin everything, this gigantic german dude tries to rape naevia, and agron is like WTF DUDE MAJOR PARTY FOUL so he jumps the dude and so agron and the dude are beating the shit out of each other, and crixus is just watching and smirking which is actually really funny, except not in context.

so anyway then crixus realises whats going down (because he has superhearing, presumably, since he hears naevia whispering over the sound of the fight even though hes like ten feet away from her) so he's like choking the dude to death, then the other german dudes are like WHAT THE SHIT and basically it erupts into a full-on brawl.

and then spartacus busts in and straight-up headbutts a guy, like POW outta my way, and he's like WHO HAS DARED TO PARTY FOUL MY PARTY WITH RAPE ATTEMPTS?!

and the giant german dude is like IT WAS ME BITCH WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?!

and Spartacus CHOPS OFF THE DUDES FACE.

And his BRAINS FALL OUT.

And everyone is like WHOAH WHAT THE FUCK SPARTACUS THERE IS BRAINS AND FACE EVERYWHERE.

(also, crixus has HILARIOUS what-the-fuck face. i watched this scene like four times because i couldnt stop laughing at his expression, it is great)

and spartacus is like, now are you bitches going to fucking behave or do i have to turn this rebellion around and send you all back to slavery?!

and everyone is like HOLY SHIT WE'LL BE GOOD PLEASE WE LIKE HAVING FREEDOM AND ALSO FACES.

then spartacus is like, this seems like a good time for a speech! and the germans do this weird chestbeating thing which, i dunno, means "you made your point no speeches ok?"

ugh, then creepy roman guy and the sister have sex, which i totally didnt need to see, and then there is a cart surrounded by chopped up body parts, which is also unsettling but less so than creepy roman guy sex.

and it turns out mangled corpse bits are just gannicus's way of saying "thanks for the various job offers, xena and creepy roman guy, but for my counteroffer, how about i leave you a tatted-up ashurette with my freedom stick JABBED IN HIS FUCKING NECK?!"

and ashur is like, ...so that's a no, right?

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GANNICUS!!! Oh my God dudes, that was so awesome, my guts are gonna blow out of my face!

So basically, Crixus, Onemaius and that one other dude were gonna get executed in the arena (because, you know where a bunch of gladiators are gonna be totally unfamiliar and at a disadvantage? a fight in an arena against a bunch of other gladiators) and the dude the romans hired to do it was GANNICUS!!!

So crixus was all, "how can he do this?!" I guess because he's not totally over the little fanboy crush he had on Gannicus back in the day, and Onemaius is like, "because he sucks" and then they're out on the sand and Gannicus is like, "hey dudes" and Onemaius is like, "BITCH DID YOU BONE MY WIFE?!" and Gannicus is all, "well, this is a totally awkward place to have this conversation..." and Onemaius is like "AAAAAARRRRRRGHHHH TIME FOR STABBING" and then basically SHIT IS GETTIN' REAL.

And in the meantime Spartacus and his dudes are chillin' at this old temple, and this old hermit dude is like, "bros im a roman but im totally on your side, ps how about rescuin' some crixus?" and obviously Spartacus 2 is just like, "its rescuin' time!", like jumping in the air and pumping his fist because the new Spartacus straight up LOVES rescuin' bitches.

oh, also, there is a great bit somewhere near the start (my brain is a bit Gannicus'd so the exact order of shit is blurry) where Agron apologises for not going to the mines to rescue Naevia and Spartacus 2 is totally graceful about accepting his apology, totally confirming my belief that Spartacus 2 is actually Steve Rogers in disguise.

So anyway, Spartacus and his dudes swim into the basement of the arena through this pool of entrails, and its totally gross and I love Crixus and Naevia but at te point where you asked me to swim through corpse goo I'd be like, fuck it, she'll move on in time, which is probably why i am not a main character on a show about dudes being loyal and defying the odds and also i dont look half as good in booty shorts as crixus and whatever i forgot my words.

uh, anyway, so agron and spartacus 2 are dressed as guards, and gannicus is waiting to go out and kill his bros, and spartacus is like, isnt that kind of a dick move? and gannicus is like, whatevs, you dont get to judge my morals, and i have to say i dont get it either but maybe that is because gannicus is wearing ASSLESS CHAPS so my brain is melted. probably that is also why spartacus doesnt get it either. the assless chaps are SUPER DISTRACTING.

okay, so then fighting. and mira is setting fire to the underside of the arena, and its basically exactly like heathers, dudes cheering and stamping and smoke rising. then mira is like, fuck this, theres dudes in booty shorts and assless chaps out there and im missing it, pull this fucking arena down!! which is totally fair, and is also exactly what happens.

so roman dudes are being killed by massive gouts of terrible cgi, and the gladiator that isnt crixus or onemaius dies, and all the enemy gladiators are dead, and the arena falls on gannicus, who literally shields himself and onemaius from falling masonary with two swords, coz he's that awesome.

so the dudes find him standing over onemaius's body, and they're gonna throw down, but then gannicus is like, whatevs, dont feel like spanking you bitches right now, help me save my best bro, and obv they are all in love with his great hair and assless chaps and epic coolness, so they do.

oh, and back in romanland, poodle has totally fucked herself because she was like, husband, im divorcing you because you're ugly and stupid and i hate you and you're shit in bed, but her dad dies in the arena so now she has to stay married and her husband is like, WHO IS SHIT IN BED? WHO IS IT?! FUCK YOU BITCH BEATINGS EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR. so, you know, sucks to be her, but who the fuck cares, shes roman.

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No! Noooooooooooooo! Oh dudes this is the terriblest! So Spartacus and his dudes found out that Naevia isn't actually dead, but she was at the mines, and so some of the dudes went to rescue her, but not Agron because he was basically like "fuck this noise," but anyway Spartacus and Crixus and some of the dudes went, and they did save her, but now the Roman dudes have got Crixus and OH NO THIS IS TERRIBLE they are totes my favourite couple and I will be sad forever if he dies noooooo!

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Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me. Asher escapes?! What the fuck, show, get that little ratfinnegan killed already!

Also, aww, the slightly useless German dude died and now the actually-useful German dude is crying. Don't be sad, useful German dude! Tumblr tells me you get a super-pretty boyfriend later on, so chin up!

Also, Spartacus 2 looks like what Captain America would look like if Captain America didn't already look like Jensen from the Losers. If that makes sense.

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that dude from the Spartacus prequel is EXACTLY what would happen if Jared Leto and Colin Farrell had a baby. LITERALLY EXACTLY. His gladiator superpower is drinking and fucking other dude's wives. What have those pussies Spartacus and Crixos got that compares? NOTHING.

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