...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Oh, and now Whitney's in it. Great.

Do you guys know why the 4400 is better than pretty much every sci-fi/fantasy/horror show ever? It's not because it has Billy Campbell bringing heaven to earth (if the suckfest that was Shark proved anything, it is that not even Billy Campbell can rescue a show that is otherwise dire) or because there's a character whose ability is the power to make shockingly poor B-movie conspiracy thrillers, or even because Joel Gresch is a marvellous actor who really hasn't been given the praise he deserves in previous posts because I'm shallow and would rather talk about how beautiful and earnest his character is. No, the 4400 is better than it's peers because it has never, ever had an episode about bugs.

I hate bugs. I would rather face hoardes of ravening zombies in a nuclear wasteland than see some bugs. And that sucks because, from Buffy to the X-Files via Smallville and Stargate and Supernatural, in every sci-fi-ish show in the whole history of recorded time, there's always an episode about bugs somewhere. Even Heroes did it with that whole Mohinderspider thing - and really, way to take a character whose only positive attribute is his pretty face - not to mention, one of only a few really attractive actors left by that point - and totally wreck it for everyone. Stupid Mohinder. Stupid show.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I just finished watching Fear Itself, and I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with anyone's arachnophobia coming to glaring CGI life on my TV screen that I forgot about the bit at the start where the dude gets attacked by clowns. And now I'm having a total "can't sleep, clown will eat me" moment and I'm trying to distract myself and it's totally not working.

Damn it. I am going to make a hot chocolate and then sit up working on my Marked!Jordan/Shawn smutfic and try not to think about clowns with mouths full of yellowed, needle-sharp teeth and long, jagged fingernails tearing at my flesh OH GOD!

There are not, on the whole, many things that would make me wish I lived in America. In fact, apart from the International House of Pancakes (why don't we have those over here? Seriously, why? How many fucking Starbucks does one city need, and not a single place to get delicious pancakes?) the only thing I really envy is the effort they put into Halloween. Like, I'm sat here watching Jericho, and bear in mind these people have just survived a nuclear Apocalypse, not to mention the fact that they live in Kansas so their lives must be shitty anyway, what with the hurricanes and Superman being such a dick and all, but when Halloween rolls around, the decorations go up, the costumes go on and the candy comes out. Over here the only acknowledgement we get is like, a selection of three shitty plastic masks at your local 24-hour Spar, and that's only if it's a big Spar.

Seriously, England. Learn.

Profit arrived last week. Oh my fucking God! It's like somebody sat down and thought, "Hmm, let's design a show specifically to appeal to Froodles. What do Froodles like? Nakedness, killin's, Nathan Petrelli - I HAVE IT!" Seriously dudes, this is what Mad Men would be like if Don was actually a sociopath rather than just kind of a dick. And did I mention, there is so much naked Nathan Petrelli!

Starting immediately, 2009 will be known as the Year of The Pasdar. Anyone caught not celebrating the Year of The Pasdar will be doomed to spend the next 360 days in Hell, which is a small room covered in pictures of Zefron fondling his nipples while a tape of Jade Goody talking plays on an endless loop and there's nothing you can use to take your own life and end the pain.

Of course, since he hasn't been in much besides Heroes and Profit and that one really random movie with the cowboy vampires (no, I'm not making this up), it may be necessary to Pasdarize some other shows in order to have enough entertainment to last the whole year. Suggestions so far:

• Nathan: the Vampire Slayer
  
• Battlestar Pasdarica
  
• Stargate: SG Pasdar
  
• Pasdar Atlantis
  
• Pastrek
  
• Pasdarville
  
• A Town Called Pasdar
  
• Revolutionary Girl Pasdar
  
• 30 Pasdar

On a related note, I saw the season finale of Heroes when I was home over Christmas and Sylar is such a goon! He's totally fallen into the trap of having plans that are too complicated to actually work - I'm not going to go into too many details here because I can't be bothered to look up the cut tag, but I swear he spent five minutes gloating to Mr Bennett about whatever the fuck his evil plan was. And Mr Bennet looked bored. Whatever, Sylar. I liked you better when you just ate brains and stalked Mohinder.

So, is it just me or is the entire plot of Numb3rs pretty much "everyone wants to molest Charlie"? Seriously dudes, I have even broken it down into list form and the evidence is clear.

-You've got the Core Charlie Molesters, aka Amita, Colby and Don. It's actually canon that they want to molest Charlie, so I'm not going to bother talking about them today.
-David probably wants to molest Charlie, but Alimi Ballard seems incapable of portraying any emotion other than "amused condescension", so it's hard to tell*.
-Milly really wants to molest Papa Eppes, but I bet if she had the chance to indulge in naughty Charlie-touching, she would.
-Megan wants to, but she's smart emough to realise that Don would cut her like a bitch, so she wouldn't go through with it.
-Ditto The Bunk. He would think about it, and smoke some cigars.
-Larry is busy being distracted by the cosmos and Megan, so he has no time for Charlie-molestin'. He's the exception that proves the rule.
-Big Daddy Luthor wants to, but Charlie spent that whole episode sulking because for once, he wasn't the one with the most magnificent hair on the show, so it would never work between them.
-Russ Brennan definately wanted to, but he caught fire, so that's that.
-Lou Diamond Phillips pretends he's teaching Charlie about shooting, but really it's an excuse to touch him up on the gun range.
-Oswald Kitner hasn't realised his own Charlie-molestering desires yet, but he's probably not over the suprise of getting shot at and recruited into the Sooper Sekrit FBI Baseball Doping Detection Team. Give him time.
-Vicky Nelson for sure wanted to. She's all, "Oh Professor Eppes, let's talk about stupid car crashes and shit while I flick my hair attractively!" Then she had to go fight evil in Toronto, so that was that.
-Lady Lawyers usually prefer molestin' Don. It must be a secret rule that Alpha Male FBI Agents and Lady Lawyers are attracted to each other, as The Dave has pretty much the same arrangement in Bones, ie all Lady Lawyers are belong to him.
-Marshall Penfield not only wants to molest Charlie, but actually goes so far as to math-stalk him. That's whole new levels of creepy.
-that random English neurosurgeon did, but then she was like, "Oh wait, I forgot I am actually engaged, so, bye!" and that was the end of her.
-Finn Montegomery did, but he killed himself. Good day, Finn Montegomery.
-Joseph Gordon Levitt did, but he was busy murdering folk and going to jail.
-Random Columbian Exile did - did you see how inappropriately close he was getting when Charlie was explaining how to not get assassinated?
-Will Patton pretends he's too gruff and no-nonsense LAPD-like to want to molest Charlie, but we know better.
-The idiot Black Ops guy who tried to put sarin in the water supply did, but he was an idiot, so, later for him.

I was going to write something about work here, but it would have been boring and negative, so I shall leave you with my "everybody wants to molest Charlie" ramblings and go to bed. Adieu!

*This is actually true. David would have the exact same expression even if he was bitten by a werewolf or something. Colby, Don and Megan would be all like OMGWTFWEREWOLF! and David would have this look on his face like he's enjoying a private joke that nobody else is smooth enough to get. Lycanthropy would not even dent the surface of his cool. He'd be like, "Oh, I'm a werewolf. How mildly entertaining."

I have decided that from this point on, whenever Lee Adama talks, I'm going to imagine him sounding like GIR from Invader Zim. It's the only way to control my increasing irritation at his almost unbelievable skill at getting on my nerves. I think somebody needs to replace Adama with like, movie!Denethor or Big Daddy Luthor (only as a temporary measure, of course, since it would be a crime against humanity to lose the Pure Awesomeness that is EJO!Adama), just to give Lee an example of what it's really like having an asshole for a father. Plus, it would be absolutely hilarious, next time Lee tries to beat his dad with the Stick of Zakguilt, if Adama just turned round and said he wished Lee had died instead. Absolute fucking smackdown. Man, I would love to see that.

Oh noes! Skanky Alma is in Highlander. I just cannot escape this woman; I swear Molly Parker follows me wherever I go, like a Spooky Chihuahua in a lowcut top and a stupid, unnessarily breathy voice. She plays the same character in everything, too; the only difference between Mrs Ramsey and Mrs Garrett is the colour of their hair.

Whenever I watch Deadwood, I always feel bad for Trixie, because part of me wants her to not have to be around that dozy tart, but having her on-hand with a well-deserved verbal bitchslap is the only thing that makes Alma even slightly bearable. Who knows, maybe if Chloe and Lois were more willing to administer a good tongue-lashing, (in a completely non-lesbian way) Lana might not be as insanely annoying as she is.

But I doubt it.

Okay, why did nobody tell me That 70's Show was so awesome? I bought it because it was on sale and I vaguely recalled Ashton Kutcher wearing many a tight shirt and reminding me of a guy I had a crush on in college. I didn't expect to be sitting there howling with laughter or squealing over how adorable Fez is.

And I certainly didn't expect to be having a religious experiance, unless Ashton Kutcher's waxed manchest was involved in some form. You see, lately, I've been going through something of a spiritual crisis. I've been worried. There are times when I think that I might be shallow, that in my never-ending quest to watch pretty boys kissing and occaisonally murder small children, I could be missing out on the better things in life. Who knows, there could be more to the Star Wars prequel than Hayden Christensen in black leather and eyeliner. It might be about good, and evil, and the importance of protected sex and not falling into lava like a total dumbass.

And then, just when I'm begining to doubt myself, WHAM! The heavens open, and God says unto me, "Behold, young Froodle, I give you Eric Foreman and that kid from Third Rock From The Sun that you had a crush on, snogging!" Don't you see? This proves that I'm following the right path; God doesn't want me to care about the nature of the soul or the state of the world - he just wants me to watch Joseph Gorden Levitt snogging other men.

Also, I think Smallville would be massively improved if we just replaced Clark with a super-powered Kelso, Lana with Jackie and Lex with Fez let the good times roll.

That hairy palms scene in Ginger Snaps: Unleashed? Best scene in a werewolf movie, ever, full stop. And aww, poor Whitney. He never get a break. Dating Lana, getting blown up, getting replaced by a shape-shifting lesbian psycho, and being fed to a werewolf over something you didn't even do? Harsh, man.

Next week we have some stupid litigation thingie to do. I haven't bothered to find out much about it besides the fact that it requires me to call another student "Master" for the space of two hours. For this reason, come next Wednesday I shall be sporting a Padawan braid and speaking in the perviest voice I can manage.

On a related note, how cool is Liam Neeson going to be as Aslan? This so proves my "Liam Neeson is God" theory.

In other news, am in hysterics over that episode of Smallville with the kid that ages really fast, where Clark is moping because he's an alien and he might not ever be able to have kids. I so imagined him as Ted from Scrubs being like, "My guys swim in circles". Oh Clark. Even your sperm is retarded.