...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Okay, who here has seen Suck? Because I think you need to tell me about it. I saw the trailer and it looked kind of fun and silly and wonderful but then I go online and everyone is like RARGH I HATE SUCK IT IS RETARDED, so I need people to clarify - is it retarded like Prince of Persia and Van Helsing and SWAT, where it;s dumb but also COMPLETELY BEAUTIFUL, or retarded like Queen of the Damned, where I'm going to want to rip off my own face due to boredom and despair 40 minutes in?

Oh God, you guys! I was going to write a post here about how we should all vote for Todd as our next Prime Minister, and then maybe let him eat our old government once he wins (landslide victory, running on a "wearing black leather and eating people" platform) but I just watched Lost Boys 2: the Tribe, and oh, it was beautiful beyond words! I mean, okay, I got a bit annoyed with the gratuitous titty shots, but all of those people died, so that's okay. Andandand Corey Feldman! And make sure you watch the credits and the alternate scenes and just generally revel in how completely unexpectedly WONDERFUL it is.

Don't watch the music videos, though. They are lame.

Also, if anyone wants to earn my undying love, they will write Lost Boys 2 porn. Any pairing, I don't even care, I love them all so much.

In news that involves neither vampires nor imaginary life-sucking aliens running for office, I am very displeased with the non-studliness of the actors being cast to play werewolves over the last two decades. I mean, Jack Nicholson and Hugh Jackman, I can totally understand, but James Spader? The French guy from SWAT? Josh from Dead Man on Campus? Fucking Pacey?!* Also, how is Jack Nicholson versus James Spader in any way a contest? I could kick the shit out of James Spader. Scooter the Happy Pony could kick the shit out of James Spader. So could a small bundle of twigs and your daddy. Working seperately. For the edification of future film-makers, I have compiled a list of actors who have a level of studliness adequate for playing a werewolf**. Read it, learn it, live it.

Colin Farrel
Daddy Winchester
Ian McShane
Adam Baldwin
Edward James Olmos
James Remarr
Edward Norton
Keifer Sutherland
Idina Menzel (yes, just as it is possible for a man to be man-pretty, it is possible for a woman to be girl-studly)
Liam Neeson
Colin Farrel (so studly, he gets listed twice)
Idris Elba
Omar
Russel Crowe
Seth Bullock
Joe Flanigan
Christian Bale
Jordan Collier (Shawn can be his little werewolf bitch in this case)
Mark Anthony
Nathan Petrelli
Robert Downey Jnr (Jake Gyllenhaal can be his little werewolf bitch)
Denzel Washington
Gabriel Byrne
Ryan O'Reilly
Gerard Butler
Brendan Fraser
Scripps

As you can see, there are plenty of studly actors to choose from when making your werewolf movie. So please stop casting little wussy he-bitches unless they're Shawn from the 4400 or Robert Greysmith from Zodiac. Actually, if anyone wants to do a werewolf sequel to Zodiac, replete with Paul/Robert sexin', I will sell you my first-born child.

*Uh, those last two are seperate issues, I didn't mean it as "Josh from Dead Man on Campus fucking Pacey". Cooper would cut Pacey like the little bitch that he is, were that the case.

**Where I didn't know, or just couldn't be bothered to look up, an actors name, I just listed him under a character name.

I am shocked and appalled by the fact that there is a sequel to Underworld. I'm sorry, but did everyone concerned in that decision have the segment of their brain that detects things that are shit removed? The thing that annoyed me most about Underworld was that, by all rights, I should have found that movie awesome. Vampires versus Werewolves? That is my kind of movie, right there! I mean, sure, anyone with half a brain could tell you that the werewolves would win, vampires being by their very nature too inclined towards sighing and moping and having angst, whereas werewolves have no angst and simply chow down on your tasty innards, but come on! The whole premise was a recipe for tacky gore-filled awesomeness, and in the end, it just sucked big fat donkey cock all over the big screen.

And really, if any schlocky psuedo-horror movie of the last couple of years deserved a sequel, it should have been Van Helsing. I mean, they already removed the worst thing about that film by having the decency to kill off Anna, paving the way for more awesome hijinx and, of course, the inevitable return of Roxula. A shame they wasted the awesomely pretty Velkan, but still, my point is: better than Underworld, you dozy fucks!

Every time I watch Phantom of the Opera, I wonder why I didn't decide to watch it earlier. It's like, one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I own. That scene after Christine performed "Think of Me" and Raoul goes to see her in her dressing room afterwards, and the Managers are all, "Shall we introduce you, winkwinknudgenudge?" and he gives them the brush-off and then nicks their flowers? Genius! I mean, this guy is clearly pretty rich, but he just can't be arsed to buy his own bouquet, and that makes me love him. It's just so fucking jammy the way he does it, and that little "Thank you" before he shuts the door in their faces. Awesome!

And Erik? Has no follow-through. I'm convinced that's a big part of his problem right there. I mean, he's got Christine down in the Lair, there's candlelight, heaving busoms (hers), swan bed (his), he's singing "Music of the Night" - and I don't care what you say about Gerard Butler's voice, there wasn't a dry seat in the house when I saw it at the cinema - and she's totally ready to go, all he has to do is move in... and he just keeps on singing! No wonder she got bored and fell asleep. I'm not saying that seduction and foreplay aren't important, but too much is just as bad as too little - next time you get a nubile young soprano down in your subterrenean love nest, try to nail her before she goes off with the flower-nabbing, ugly brown leather jacket-wearing rich boy from the apartment upstairs. I'm just sayin'.

Oh, and Meg? Totally in love with Christine. Again, watch Christine performing "Think of Me" and there's this shot of Meg standing in the wings looking all sad and rejected and Madame Giry comes up and squeezes her shoulder, all, "My poor, poor, unrequited-in-love daughter". Poor Meg.

Now I'm in the mood for more campy gothic anti-heroes, so it's off to watch Van Helsing I go.

I have come to the conclusion that Van Helsing, Moulin Rouge and Phantom of the Opera do not mix, for the following reasons:

• Gerard Butlers singing is only just tolerable as it is, without being compared to the greatness that is Ewan McGregor.
  
  
• Carlimir as a querulous transvestite is acceptable and for those of us who've seen the London Assignment, actually quite in-character, but Dracula as the Duke is all shades of wrong and leads to speculation about the effectiveness of Dracula singing "Like a Virgin" to Van Helsing versus, say, turning into a big fucking bat-monster. Personally, I found the singing way, way creepier, and I bet Van Helsing would have too.
  
  
• On a related note, "Big Fat Virgin King". Try explaining that one to your friends in the throes of a massive giggling fit.
  
  
• There's always someone who suggests Ewan McGregor should play Raoul, and that confuses me and makes me unsure whose side I should be on. This is unacceptable.
  
  
• Eventually this leads to debates about whether Erik, Van Helsing or Christian would win in a fight. This in turn leads to arguing about whether Gerard Butler, Hugh Jackman or Ewan McGregor would win in a fight. Ewan McGregor loses both times, and that makes me feel bad for him.
  
  
• Anna is even more annoying than usual when compared with Christine and Satine.

In other news, today Alan tried to convince me that my entire life was just a dream, like in that one episode of Buffy:

Froodle: Well for a start, if the whole world was just my dream, it certainly wouldn't include Fat!Xander, Andrew or Spike's Initiative clone. In fact, it would mostly involve naked David Boreanaz. [pauses] And Gerard Butler, he can be in there too.
Jessica: I don't see them working as a couple. I mean, David Boreanaz is pretty much already the American equivilent of Gerard Butler.
Froodle: I see what you mean. Too mmuch sitting around talking about socks and birds, not nearly enough sexin'.
Jessica: Now, Gerard Butler and Johnny Depp, I kind of see that...
Alan: But won't Orlando Bloom be jealous?
Froodle: I'd want to see it just for the catfight between Gerard Butler and Orlando Bloom. And for the hot man-on-man action, of course. But mostly because Orlando Bloom would get bitchslapped.
Jessica: And then Heath Ledger could comfort him.
Froodle: There is absolutely no downside to this plan. I think we should insist that Gerard Butler and Johnny Depp have sex right away.
Alan: Yeah, why don't you write to them and tell them that?
Froodle: Don't think I won't!

Movie Meme

The rules

-- Pick one dozen movies that are ones that you have special feelings about.
-- Pick a few lines of dialogue.
-- As people guess the film, strike out that entry.
-- After the film is guessed, explain why that movie made the list.
( Read more... )

An interesting bit of Van Helsing-related news here. Personally I prefer Van Helsing/Carlimir to Van Helsing/Dracula, but never mind.

In Angel-related news, have just seen the episode where Holtz takes baby Connor dimension-hopping. Thank God. Also, Angel trying to smother Wesley with a pillow is hilarious. Just can't take David Boreanaz seriously at all in that scene.

Still hate Fred.

Am also wondering if it was intentional that the creepy little girl Angel and Lilah meet in the White Room looks like a younger version of Eve.

This was too good to keep to myself...

Messeurs Amy the wench, Izzy-chan and Miriglum present, for your amusement and pleasure:

The Angel vs vampire slayers handbags at dawn death-match
(although, technically, since vampires are *already* dead... )

It is important, though, we feel, to discuss a little why this game came about, and to apologise profusely for said incident of egotism and boredom. Chances are, you are a freind/stalkee of one of us three culprits. Thus you will know the pain of befreinding a fangirl. A deep and lingering pain. But, in any case, due to diverse circumstances (Amy living in America, thus having nobody sensible to talk to, Izzy losing her job, and Miriglum no longer being able to watch Angel), and a long, rambling conversation when we all should have been in bed (apart from Amy, and her ghey whore of a time zone) on Yahoo! messenger, the Angel-rific deathmatch has come into existance. Basic premise is, like our minds, both simple and disturbing - to prove our love of Angel, we pitch him agaist a series of other fictional charcters, and stand back to marvel at his God-like victory/anniliation. And since we have suffered, so must you - and anyone failing to make even a token effort will be sent to live in Canada/never spoken to again. So there. Simply read each deathmatch entry, taking into account the wonderous opinions of our good selves. Feel free to add comments to the strength/weakness and notes sections, then fill in the last section, drawing up an outline of the deathmatch and its conclusion. Remember, not all deathmatches have to be fought to the death. We have learned well from Angel's guidance, battling the green and icky-looking demons in the RING OF DEATH. Send back the email when you've filled in the deathmatches you can (although, like, don't feel you have to have *watched* a show to stick your oar in), and we fair three will contabulate all into an amusing Angel-rific whole. With pictures. ~nods~ And if we're still at this into the New Year, 'cause too many people decided to be lazy, and not reply, so be it. And there will be nagging. Oh, yes. So, without further ado (and hearing the merry jingling of Joss Whedon's crack lawyer brigade approaching ever-closer), enjoy the strangeness that is:

Slayers vs Angel

Slayer: Buffy

Occupation: Vampire Slayer, the. Strumpet.

Weapons: Vast supplies of wooden pointy things.

Strengths: Past experiance dealing with pesky vamps. Only has to set foot in LA to make Angel do his smacked-puppy-prominent-eyebrow face.

Weaknesses: Spectacular failure to do away with the loveable but blundering Spike indicates possible unlikelyhood of managing to defeat Angel. Only has to set foot in LA to be thrown into squished Woe!-Buffy-is-tormented-by-vampiric-ex face.

Notes: Well, none of us having ever really watched Buffy in a big way, Buffy's stats are mainly made up by us, and any resemblance to any actual vampire slayers, living or dead, is purely coincidental

Outcome:


Slayer: Vampire Hunter D

Occupation: Vampire/demon hunting in swishy cape. A man after Angel's own heart.

Weapons: None of us can actually remember. Possibly a very, very large sword.

Strengths: Cool hat. Can fall off almost anything and survive. 2dimensional, so can slide into small places to hide.

Weaknesses: Lack of Angel's chirpy side-kicks. Back-talking hand. Tendency to look like Lawrence Lwelynn-Bloody-Bowen in model-form

Notes: Human, with vampire blood - i.e. ridiculous vampire uber-stregthness, without all that pesky catching fire in daylight melarky

Outcome:


Slayer: Van Helsing

Occupation: Head fighting-wench of the vatican. Left hand of God.

Weapons: Deadly spinning-tops of doom

Strengths: Again, swishy coat/hat combo. Cute side-kick-a-mir Monk, complete with array of deadly anti-vampiric/explodey weapons.
Miriglum: Also, wasn't that Princess-type love interest a gypsy? [Ethnic slur, all people from eastern europe are gypsies] Possibly precipitive of an 'Angel boldly runs away' sort of situation.
Amy the wench: But he's not very *keen* of gypsies, is he? I mean, surely he'd be wanting revenge
Miriglum: Yes, but he's rather attached to that soul of his, isn't he? Like - entire point of series.

Weaknesses: Limited attention span causes poor brooding skills.

Notes: Can turn into a werewolf - potentially useless, unless Angel is as secretly as bloody-uselessy-vunerable to werewolves as Dracula.
Miriglum: Did I mention, Sam West should *totally* take part in this deathmatch? He has his own ship, *and* a, like, a shipful of angry Narnians. That *has* to come in handy.

Outcome:


Slayer: Bram Stoker's Ghey Leage of People Who Don't Like Dracula (BSGLOPWDLD)

Occupation: Being Victorian. Being Ghey. Being homo-erotic.

Weapons: 'Dr Van Hellsing's old-school patent vampire-slaying kit'.
Large hammer, 1
Wooden stakes (classic finish), several
Garlic, 6 of whatever the internationally agreed units of garlic measurement might happen to be
Crafty coffin-opening device, 1
Silver crusifix, 2
Handy lawyer, for rifling personal papers, gaining entrance to private property and lying to coroners about sudden deaths of 90% of secondary charecters.
Large guns, for dispatching pesky gypsies, 5

Strengths: Numbers significantly in their favour, even with Angel's full complement of minions.
Miriglum: But then, didn't Angel still not have a soul, back in the day? Plus, he had Darla (deadly killing hair) and Drusila (crazy weasel). Also, let's say Spike (pretty but useless) too, 'cause he's all shiny. In which case, they'd have all been like - bite, bite, bite - ugh, Dr Van Hellsing tastes funny - bite. Yum.
Amy the wench: No, I'm sure he was in his 'useless roaming Angel' stage.

Weaknesses: Largly too busy being Fraudian and worriting over their latent sexuality to put togeather much of deadly killing front.

Notes: Considering it took them an entire book to kill Dracula, who was, frankly, quite useless, can't see they have much chance agaist the super Angel.

Outcome:


Disclaimer: let it be recorded, we Amy the wench and Miriglum, had no part in the creation of the following deathmatch, knowing it to be wrong and disturbing, and the work of a twisted mind...


Slayer(s): Merry and Pippin

Occupation: Hobbit slayers of middle-earth.
Amy the wench: Yep. 'Cause they were just *over-run*, weren't they?!

Weapons: The One True Ring and/or the Horn of Gondor

Strengths: Small and cute. Experiance of questing. Some singing talent.

Weaknesses: Handy, snack-size vampire treats. Limited experiance slaying actual vampires. Would have to stand on each other's shoulders to stake Angel through heart.

Notes: Matching waistcoats may provide crucial assistance.

Outcome:

Aah, this is the reason I read fanfics. Kiss of Moonlight is a delightfully son-con Campula/Velkan piece, with a nice, big NC-17 rating, which we all I know I love.

Mmm, satisfying.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go bask in the afterglow. And watch some old episodes of Angel. I just love seeing him be all badass. Damn it, I'm such a Lindsey!

Previously on Froodle: I was too busy grumbling about that damn spider to mention Corey Feldman was in Big Wolf on Campus last night. Damn, he's all shades of hot. I want to watch the Lost Boys again.

Van Helsing: The London Assignment is wonderful. Gabriel being molested by the Queen is like Lindsey getting his hand cut off: just never stops being funny. Carl in drag, (hereafter refered to as 'Dragimir') whining about the shade of lip rouge and the tightness of his corset, is the stuff of legend.

Like most people who've watched it, I take issue with it only being half an hour long - I know that's all it took to tell the story, but for £10, I feel like we should have gotten another 'episode' or whatever. Still, wasn't my money, so, meh.

The CGI was pretty bad in places, but not on the scale of, say, Treasure Planet, Underworld or the Richard Roxburgh version of Hound of the Baskervilles. Or even the VH movie itself.

Now, time for me to have a bath, then curl up in bed and watch 'Return of the King'. Or more accurately, all ROTK scenes with Merry and/or Pippin in. Which means it'll be about forty minutes long.