froodle | Entries tagged with rome

Do you think that if I could get a doctor to certify me as being wanktard-intolerent, I could go on permanent medical leave and never work again? Because pretty much all jobs are going to involve some level of wanktardery, and if it was possible I might die from it, they'd pretty much have to pay me incapacity benefit or something, right? That would be awesome.

What is decidedly not awesome is when some numbnuts decides to pull me away from my massive workload in order to "talk to you all about NPS." Dick, I know what NPS is. I am part of the motherfucking trial. I am at my desk every day calling these jizzstain customers back and recording their moronic comments verbatim. I do not need a fucking presentation on your lameass board with it's lameass charts. I MADE THE FUCKING CHARTS! I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN, DILHOLE! And it especially pisses me off when I am subjected to their idiotic attempt at a peptalk. I do not respond well to peptalks. I don't respond well to pep. In particular, I do not respond well to peptalks about how a certain thing is working fabulously when I know that is not the case because, and pay attention here, I AM PART OF THE GODDAMN TRIAL TEAM! Do not fucking lie to me, I am by nature both smart and cynical, and when someone shines shit and tries to call it gold it makes me very fucking cranky indeed!

Urgh!

In other news, I think there should be a show that is made up of characters who are either too good for their original show or who wound up being screwed over on it. Lafayette from True Blood and T-Bear from Supernatural would be the stars and they would fight crime, in between T-Bear's bouts of crying and attempting to kill himself and Lafayette's secondary but much for lucrative career as a go-go dancer. Josef from Moonlight would be the local crime kingpin - he'd sort of be their stated enemy, but really it would be one of those relationships where they have a grudging kind of respect for each other and sometimes Josepf would help them out dealing with other, baddier baddies. The main baddie would be the Carver from Nip/Tuck, only back when the Carver was still really fucking terrifying, before we found out it was just dumb old Quentin behind the mask. Zack Addy would be the adorkable gender-ambiguous lab assistant nature always intended him to be, and everyone would keep a stern eye on him to make sure it stayed that way. Mark Anthony would pop up every now and then as a time-travelling manwhore/adventurer - a bit like Jack Harkness only not rubbish or in Wales. Also, Jeremy Renner would get to be in it all the time and not die.

Dudes. Dudes.

What is this?

And why wasn't it in Rome?

Why are Vorenus and Mark Anthony in bed together? Where is Pullo in all this? And most importantly, how come it's not on my DVDs? Help, dudes!

In other news, everyone should watch How To Rob a Bank, as it is marvellous and is basically just Ben from Carnivale ranting about bank surcharges while locked in a vault for ninety minutes. It's like someone made a film out of the opening scene from I Am The Messanger. In other words, it is beautiful and if you don't agree you're probably a rapist or something else bad!

Dudes. Dudes.

What is this?

And why wasn't it in Rome?

Hah! Oh man, I had forgotten how much I liked that bit in the final episode where Vorenus finishes laying out Mark Anthony in state (is that a spoiler? I think everyone knows that Mark Anthony dies in the end) and Cleopatra walks in and Vorenus is all, *glare* and Cleopatra's like, "Lucius Vorenus has something he wishes to say?" and Vorenus is like, "No," and she's all, "Then he will stop looking at me!" and Vorenus sort of leans forward and super-glares at her in this really insolent way and I'm not describing it well but it's fucking hilarious, 'cause Vorenus is quite a glary character anyway but this is him dialling it all the way up to 11 and it's like - okay, you know that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where they open the Arc and the Nazi dudes' face melts off? The Arc could have contained the Level 11 Vorenus Glare. If the Care Bear Stare and Chernobyl had a baby, it would be Vorenus's glare at that moment.

And oh, Agrippa, I love you. That scene where Cleopatra dies and he asks Octavian what she whispered to him and Octavian's like, *visably shaken* "She said I had a rotten soul," and Agrippa just says "Ah," and you can tell that what he really means is, "Yeah, that's fair, you suck," and it's so understated and yet such an epicly harsh burn, I love it.

Also huge love for Atia's final scene, for this fucking beautiful exchange with Octavian's creepy-ass wife:

Livia: Oh, I don't mind really, but it is really I who should go first. If you consult the priests, I'll think you'll find the wife takes precedence.
Atia: I don't give a fuck what the priests say! I'll not let a vicious little trollop like you walk ahead of me. I go first.
Livia: I take no offense, of course. You are not yourself.
Atia: I know who you are. I can see you. You're swearing now that, someday, you'll destroy me. Remember that far better women than you have sworn to do the same. Go look for them now.

Anyway, I am now exactly in the mood to watch Alexander, so I'm going to do that. Please have Alexander/Hephaistion porn waiting for when I get back.

Oh noes! Poor Atia! I keep forgetting to say this (because I am shallow and easily distracted by shouty menfolk in leather skirts) but I love Atia. She's such a cold-hearted, power-hungry, manipulative bitch - I wish I had the balls to be as much of a cunt as she is. And now she's in Egypt and Mark Anthony won't even see her and she's all sad and it's totally making me cry. And Octavia is all, "You suck, Mark Anthony!" Even Vorenus is extra-glary and distainful at his behaviour. For shame, Mark Anthony. Your tattoos and eyeliner may be beautiful beyond all reason, but meening on Atia is very unacceptable.

Alao, grown up!Octavian is a cock. He doesn't deserve to have been played by Ickle Midshipman Blakeney. Dick.

Oh my God you guys, help! I just watched the bit where Caeser and Cleopatra are all like, "Look at wee Caesarian!" and all the army dudes are like, "Yay!" and Pullo's like "YAY!" and Vorenus is all glary and cranky, like, "Hush your excessive yay!" and Pullo's like, *teenytinyyay* and-and-and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL WHY IS NOBODY HERE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS!

Dudes. Dudes! Why are you not all watching the Wire now that the BBC has finally gotten its fucking retarded act together and started showing it on normal TV?

Or to put it another way: watch the Wire. Or you suck.

PS: Also watch Rome. Then be a bit in love with Vorenus. Then come here and talk to me about it so I don't feel like I'm all alone with my embarrasing Vorenuscrush.

PPS: If you wanted to come here and talk about how hot Mark Anthony is instead, and maybe post some pictures of James Purefoy being naked and/or menacing, that would be totally okay aswell.

Oh God, you guys! I was going to write a post here about how we should all vote for Todd as our next Prime Minister, and then maybe let him eat our old government once he wins (landslide victory, running on a "wearing black leather and eating people" platform) but I just watched Lost Boys 2: the Tribe, and oh, it was beautiful beyond words! I mean, okay, I got a bit annoyed with the gratuitous titty shots, but all of those people died, so that's okay. Andandand Corey Feldman! And make sure you watch the credits and the alternate scenes and just generally revel in how completely unexpectedly WONDERFUL it is.

Don't watch the music videos, though. They are lame.

Also, if anyone wants to earn my undying love, they will write Lost Boys 2 porn. Any pairing, I don't even care, I love them all so much.

In news that involves neither vampires nor imaginary life-sucking aliens running for office, I am very displeased with the non-studliness of the actors being cast to play werewolves over the last two decades. I mean, Jack Nicholson and Hugh Jackman, I can totally understand, but James Spader? The French guy from SWAT? Josh from Dead Man on Campus? Fucking Pacey?!* Also, how is Jack Nicholson versus James Spader in any way a contest? I could kick the shit out of James Spader. Scooter the Happy Pony could kick the shit out of James Spader. So could a small bundle of twigs and your daddy. Working seperately. For the edification of future film-makers, I have compiled a list of actors who have a level of studliness adequate for playing a werewolf**. Read it, learn it, live it.

his

As you can see, there are plenty of studly actors to choose from when making your werewolf movie. So please stop casting little wussy he-bitches unless they're Shawn from the 4400 or Robert Greysmith from Zodiac. Actually, if anyone wants to do a werewolf sequel to Zodiac, replete with Paul/Robert sexin', I will sell you my first-born child.

*Uh, those last two are seperate issues, I didn't mean it as "Josh from Dead Man on Campus fucking Pacey". Cooper would cut Pacey like the little bitch that he is, were that the case.

**Where I didn't know, or just couldn't be bothered to look up, an actors name, I just listed him under a character name.

his

Oh, that is it, Supernatural. You and I are just not friends anymore. You can take your two hot Winchesters ~~and Sam~~ and your misleading rumours of homoerotic exploits and get out of my life for good, because I do not like it when I have nightmares when by rights I should be having dreams about monkeys or something else good!

Fortunatly for me, I am the kind of girl who always has one or two irons in the fandom-fire, so I shall console my grief over my breakup with Dean ~~and John~~ by watching the second season of the Wire. And oh my God, Omar is my hero. The tie! And somebody finally putting that piece of shit Levy in his place, hoorah! Personally I was holding out for Rhonda bludgeoning him with a briefcase, but getting smacked down in front of an entire courtroom was so much more awesome. He has inspired me to take up robbing drug dealers for a living. Now, if only I knew where to find a) a shotgun and b) some drug dealers. You may be suprised to learn this information is not listed in the Yellow Pages.

In other news, Rome. I'm not saying it wasn't enjoyable, I'm just saying that the entire show can be summed up as "Ickle Midshipman Blakeney grows up and fucks his sister. But not, apparently, his great-uncle." I do love the whole Pullo/Vorenus thing, though - especially where Vorenus pimps him out to Cleopatra. Even in Ye Olde Tymes, pimping your friends is always good for a laugh.

On a completely unrelated note, I think everyone here should read the Varjak Paw books. Because if there were two things I would say makde the world a better place, it would be more Kung-fu cats and less Will Ferrell. I hate Will Ferrell.

I do, however, still love the Tribe, and especially Bray who has won my heart with his incredible campness. That scene after he finds Spike floating in the hotel pool, and the other Mallrats are like, "Gasp! Ebony!" and he's all, "But don't you think if she had killed him, she'd be bragging about it? Like, 'Don't mess with me!'" and then he actually does the finger-snap head-toss thing like he's Foxxie Love or whatever and oh my God it is just the most hilarious thing ever and I love him.

Anyway, little space-monkeys, I have a box of pastries here that aren't going to eat themselves, and the second season of Battlestar Galactica is calling to me, so farewell!

I am highly disturbed by the fact that Ickle Midshipman Blakeney appears in Rome, not only sexin' the ladies (well, a lady. Of the night.), being accused of homosexual trysts and playing the future Emperor of Rome. To quote the immutable Brother Johnathan: "How is he supposed to rule the civilised world? He's only got one arm!" Oh, Ickle Midshipman Blakeney.

Also disturbing is the fact that Kelso's dad is played by the guy who played Mars's dad in Eerie, Indiana. I'm not sure what this information means, but I do note that both boys have unnaturally shiny brown hair. Hmmm...