...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! Why has nobody written a fic about how Wendell from Bones is actually a zombie and the "people from the neighbourhood" who clubbed together to send him to college are the zombies from Wasting Away who form their own settlement at the end of the movie? I'm totally offended by the lack of a Wasting Away/Bones crossover.

Of course, if somebody was to write it for me, I would waive my offendedness. And I might give them some sort of reward, such as... umm... cake? Or a time canoe! Or even both!

Actually, I will only give you both if you manage to work something in there about Hodgins and the tiny gay English intern who is totally in love with him* aswell. But it will be totally worth it!

*This is actually kind of against the rules in Bones, since it was clearly established at the very start of the show that everyone is in love with The Dave and any other love-interests are secondary to that love, but I think Tiny Gay English Intern is very brave for daring to defy the Rule of Bones and thus deserves some credit. Or at least not to be written off the show for not loving The Dave enough.

Dudes, Outrageous Fortune is so good, I am completely amazed by both its non-shoddiness and its entire lack of ridiculous facepaint and zombie sheep. Also, Antonia Prebble can actually act* (and is a bit hot too), the psycho peadophile bootcamp instructor who debauches Lex is kind of awesome and likable and not a creepy violent child-molester at all and Van is so adorable, oh my God, there should be a show that is just Van and Munter running around being stoned and ineffective and beautiful.

Also, and totally unrelated, Jared Leto so needs a new show. He's pretty, and all of my favourite shows have either ended or started to suck in the not-fun way, and his band is fucking awful, so clearly he needs to be back on television. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of myself and El Snithador, we have been unable to come up with the perfect vehicle for Jared Leto's particular brand of prettiness and indeterminate acting abilities.

I think the problem is that the stuff he's been in doesn't really give us a handle on what he can and can't do. I mean, let's break down Jared Leto's key strengths, as demonstrated in his most memorable roles:

• My So-Called Life: He plays Jordan Catalano, a role that consists of leaning against things and making goo-goo eyes at Claire Danes. Oh, and Brian in that one really strange episode where the show went all Cyrano on us.
  
• American Psycho: Christian Bale hits him in the face with an axe. Everyone laughs. Yes, it was fucking hilarious, but it seems like Batbale did all the work in that scene.
  
• Alexander: He wears a lot of eyeliner and follows Colin Farrell around while gazing at him in adoration. This isn't actually acting at all, as everyone has that reaction to Colin Farrell. Don't believe me? Watch the extras, Oliver Stone does the exact same thing every time Colin is on set.

So, what we need is a show that allows him to be pretty and a bit gay, without having to keep up with any actors who are prettier or more talented than him and without requiring to do anything too difficult, like excessive emoting or long speeches. I've also ruled out the following things:

• No shows about vampires. There's no point doing anything with vampires while True Blood is on the air, because Alan Ball is just going to laugh at us and pee in our faces. If this was a couple of years ago when all we had to contend with was Moonlight and Blood Ties, it would be different, but True Blood will outclass us and make us look bad.
  
• No shows with Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, the Dave or Daddy Winchester. They're all hotter and/or better at acting than Jared, and that's not allowed.
  
• No shows about werewolves. Jared is a girly pretty-boy, and there have been enough non-manly werewolves in the past without him adding to their degradation.

Anything else is fair game, and so I open the floor to suggestions. Jared fights crime? Jared does crime? Jared is in space? Pitch your ideas in the comments, post them in your own LJ, make them an entry on 30SecondsToMarsSuckMonkeyBalls: go nuts! Let's start the Jared Leto TV Revival, and bring passable good looks and mediocre talent back to our screens where he belongs!

*Michelle Ang, however, cannot.

Dudes, I would just like to point out that if there was some kind of big vampire convention and all the fictional vampires got invited, Edward Cullen would not be allowed to sit at the Awesome Table. In fact, he wouldn't even get a table. He would have to sit huddled in the corner where the rising damp is, with the other rejects like Mick from Moonlight and Henry from Blood Ties. And all the vampires at the Awesome Table like Angelus and Eric and David would laugh at them and make mocking and hurtful remarks and possibly throw things.

Dudes! Okay so, I generally try and pretend the last four seasons of Buffy never happened, mostly because thinking about them sparks off a twnety minute string of profanities about the shitness of Dawn/Riley/Kennedy and the downfall of Buffy and I really try not to mention what Xander devolved into because it breaks my heart a bit and of course you have Spike's eighty-odd-episodes-long character rape and I'm going to stop now because otherwise this post will be another swearathon, but anyway! So I always thought that Andrew was a bit shit, although in fairness by the time it ended he was the only one I wasn't actively hoping would die, but only because he was just lame instead of rage-inducingly dislikable. But anyway, I was watching that episode of Angel with the mental Slayer who cuts off Spike's hands, and I realised, it's Amita from Numb3rs. And now I'm thinking, Andrew can't have been as much of a 'tard as I thought he was, because apparently his training program not only makes you not be crazy, it turns you into a kind of Maths Superhero.

And now I think Amita Ramanujan: Vampire Slayer should be a show. Or maybe she can be a character in my Zombie Dickens fest - like when Zombie Twist is all, "Please sir, can I have some more... BRAINS ARRRGHRAHGARGHCHOMPYFACE!" Amita can dramatically ninja in through the window and dismember him.

I'm not sure how I feel about Amita/The Dave, though. Probably he would have another love interest that was Lindsey no I didn't just write that.

Also, where is all my Jayne/Simon porn? I thought I bookmarked it under memories but it's gone away. Boo!

Okay dudes. So now that Bones has descended into a world of suckiness and hurt, I think it's time there was another vehicle for David Boreanaz to showcase his particular brand of being a champion of good through the medium of brutal violence. So we need to come up with a format that will include all of the following:

• The Dave digs.
  
• The Dave wears a hat.
  
• The Dave rescues puppies.
  
• The Dave hugs distraught children.
  
• The Dave wears a white vest.
  
• The Dave broods.
  
• The Dave does the Angel Dance.
  
• The Angel Dance must now also include a part where he plays air instruments.
  
• The Dave uses his Charm Smile on someone.
  
• The Dave punches people.
  
• The Dave pistol whips people (this bit is super-important - these days, if someone isn't getting pistol-whipped, I don't feel I've been entertained).
  
• The Dave smashes down doors.
  
• The Dave is involved in a brutal, knock-down drag-out fist fight that lasts no less than ten on-screeen minutes.
  
• The Dave sulks.
  
• The Dave makes his "please don't seduce me" face.
  
• The Dave is cranky.
  
• The Dave is inappropriately giddy.

Now, I realise, looking at this, that I could get all of this by watching Angel or Bones, and that's fine, except for the parts that involves Sweets or Cam or Fred or Connor or snoretastic plot arcs about Gormogons or Jasmines. So really what we need is something that already has a great plot, but can be adapted for The Dave without the need to introduce annoying pointless characters who wreck ewverything.

And thus was born: The Dickens/Zombie/The Dave Extravaganza - an entire season of Dickens adaptations containing all the blood, gore and zombies that Dickens would have intended if he had been alive when the Evil Dead movies came out. Nicholas Zombilby, Zombie Expectations, Bleak Zombie, Zombie Twist, A Zombie of Two Cities, the Zombie Tollbooth - the possibilities are varied and marvellous.

Also I think Lindsey should be in it, because I just watched Dead End and I had forgotten how entertaining his big gay unrequited crush on Angel was. And really, if there was ever anyone who deserved to get savaged by zombies, it was... well, actually it was Gavin, because he REALLY sucked, but watching terrible things happen to Lindsey was a key aspect of Angel in my house. Also, Leverage is a bit rub and he doesn't get his hand cut off or ANYTHING, so let's go back to traditional values, where getting in the way of justice means you get your parts cut off. YAY!

Oh Bones, where did things go so wrong for us? You were my Unexpectedly Delightful New Show of 2006. You redeemed David Boreanaz at a time when it seemed his glory days were long since past. You earned him the League of Hot's highest honour, elevating him to the rank of The Dave and making him part of the Holy Trinity of Hotness. You were beautiful, and I loved you.

But ever since that first season ended, dark forces have been at work behind the scenes, slowly chipping away all that was once good and pure and replacing it with things that are evil and failsome.

Where once Daddy Goodman ruled the medico-legal lab with a deep voice and an authoritarian beard, now there is only Evil Cam and her lame, boring attempt to be "hip" and "sassy" while also "dedicated to her work". It's like you took everything that was annoying about Brennan and everything that was annoying about Angela and combined them with a few extra annoying qualities to make one giant superfluous pile of irritation.

Then came Gordon Gordon, forensic psychiatrist extraordinairre, who forced The Dave into drinking tea and forgiving Hodgins. He was awesome, and we loved him, and he was replaced the next season with Sweets, whose sole claim to fame is the fact that his teeth are so huge you could surf the Banzai pipeline on them.

And oh, Zack. You deserved so much better. Most supporting characters only get royally screwed over in one season finale - you had it twice in a row. I can only imagine what kind of goon will take your place in the new series.

In fact, that's the underlying theme of Bones - let's take away everything fun and good and replace it with boringness and hate. Forget Angela/Jack - who wants all that sexiness and interesting, likable characters? Let's bring Fred and Wesley back and really suck the joy out of our audience. And Caroline is far too much fun - where is Ally McBeal when you want a lawyer with as much screen presence as a used tissue? No doubt by season six they will kill Booth off, as having a lead actor with charm and charisma and passable acting ability will no longer fit with the direction of the show. Maybe once CSI: Miami ends, they can bring in David Caruso, thus effectively transforming what was once a thing of beauty and light into a gaping hole in the fabric of the television universe.

Fuck you Bones. You have failed in your duty to... not fail. Or something.

You know, I talk a lot on here about people being the poor man's version of other people, but I don't always mean it as a bad thing. Like, okay, Stellan Skarsgård is totally the poor man's version of Russell Crowe, but what that actually means is that he has traits in common with Russell Crowe, and that's a good thing. It's not as good as actually being Russell Crowe, but it still makes you better than people who aren't Russell Crowe-like at all. Or like how Colby is the poor man's version of Seeley Booth - all that means is that he will eventually evolve into Seeley Booth.* A few more years, a better haircut, and maybe some hugging of puppies and Boothdom is totally achievable.

But then you get these really tragic cases, where someone is trying to be the poor man's version of some other, more awesome person, and they fail and wind up becoming the poor man's version of someone far more losery than their intended idol. Case in point: Angus Sutherland. I just feel so bad for him, because he's trying so hard to be Keifer Sutherland in the original Lost Boys, and instead of being David Mark II, he ends up being Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned.

And before anyone gets on my case, yes, I loved the Lost Boys 2, and yes, I do hate Queen of the Damned with all the considerable hate in my soul, but that's not the point of this post. The point is that while Keifer Sutherland was good at being a badass vampire and exchanging long homoerotically-charged looks with Jason Patrick, Angus Sutherland is really only good for the latter. Also, and this is not really his fault but it should be mentioned, Tad Hilgenbrink as Chris Emerson is nothing like as pretty as Jason Patrick as Micheal Emerson.

Of course, if any of you wanted to rush off and find me lots of Shane/Chris porn, I would not be adverse to reading it. In the spirit of scientific enquiry, of course.

I was going to make a list here of things I love and things I hate about the fourth season of Numb3rs, but I don't feel like it any more, so I will just say that we need more falling in water from Colby and less wearing of horrible ties from Charlie.


And now, some random quiz things:

You Are Candy Corn

Your Halloween personality is whimsical, colorful, and creative. You see Halloween as a time to get your creative juices flowing. Each year, Halloween can't start soon enough for you. You tend to go all out for Halloween. You decorate like crazy and always dress up.

What Halloween Treat Are You?

You Are a Werewolf

You are moody and easily provoked. You are highly loyal and protective of those you love. While you can be intense at times, you are generally a laid back person. But if a fight comes your way, you will fight 'til the death if necessary. You seem normal to most people. No one understands how different you can be. It's like a switch flips for you sometimes - and then you're a completely different creature.

Are You a Vampire or a Werewolf?

What Your Cute Monster Says About You

You're the type of person who stands out in a crowd, even when you're trying to blend in. You are honest in your character and appearance. You don't pretend to be someone else. Your inner demon is sorrow. You tend to get depressed easily. People think you're cute because you're rebellious. Your uniqueness is charming.

The Cute Monster Test

*Except for the shooting clowns bit, as we can all agree that Don is far more likely to shoot a clown than anyone else on Numb3rs.

Aww fuck, you guys, I think I just permanantly destroyed Batman Begins for myself by watching it right after I watched Breakfast on Pluto. And for once it's completely my own fault, because I've seen both of them multiple times so I can't claim I was tricked into watching or anything. Now every time Dr Crane gases anyone, I keep seeing that scene from BoP where he imagines himself as an undercover counter-terrorist agent, complete with black PVC minidress and flashing a bright yellow bra, and he neutralizes all the bombers by spraying Chanel perfume* in their eyes, and it just destroys me.

In other news, I have decided to invent some kind of coolness scale where characters are awarded points based on the liklihood of them karate-chopping a midget. It'll look something like this:

Karate-chopping a midget: 10 coolpoints
Doing harm to a midget other than by karate-chopping it: 5 coolpoints
Not doing anything mean to a midget: 0 coolpoints
A midget karate-chops you: minus 10,000 coolpoints

I decided to test it out on a random selection and it works pretty well, as shown below:

Jack Bauer: would karate-chop a midget: 10 points.
Sweeney Todd: would cut a midget's throat and make it into pie: 5 points
Al Swearengen: as above, except replace "make it into pie" with "feed to Mister Wu's piggies": 5 points
Edward James Olmos: would shout or glare at a regular midget; only karate-chops midgets if they are Cylons: 7.5 points
Methos: doesn't know karate, but from a moral perspective, would have no problem karate-chopping a midget: 10 points, because he can always learn later.
The Dave: unable to bring himself to harm a midget: 0 points.
Giles: would karate-chop a midget, then fire-bomb its house, but only if the midget really pushed him to it: 10 points
Nathan Petrelli: no qualms about karate-chopping a midget whatsoever: 10 points
Angela Petrelli: would belittle the midget so much it karate-chopped itself: 10 points
Peter Petrelli: gets karate-chopped by the midget. Everyone laughs. Minus 10,000 points.
Agent Sands: if he still has eyes, karate-chops the midget; if not, shoots the midget after locating it by the sound of it's tiny midget feet: 10 points, because the intention is there if not the physical ability.
Moominpapa: doesn't know karate, and anyway has tiny Moomin arms unsuitable for midget-chopping. Would probably write a chapter in his Memoirs about how he karate-chopped it anyway: 5 points for inventiveness.
Mark Cohen from RENT: gets karate-chopped by the midget. Minus 10,000 points.
Idina Menzel, in anything: karate-chops that midget and makes it cry little midget tears. 10 points.
Akio Ohtori: karate-chops the midget, steals its fine midget hos, then runs the midget down in the Akiocar. 10 points.
Stringer Bell: karate-chops the midget only if economically viable. Otherwise, arranges to have it gunned down in a drive-by. 7.5 points.
Oogie Boogie: karate-chops the midget, sings a song about it: 10 points
Ben Hawkins: karate-chops a midget, spends three episodes angsting about it. 9.5 points, as he gets half a point deduction for angst.
Don Eppes: pre-The Bunk, karate-chops that midget and takes a suspension. Post-The Bunk, tries to work out his differences with the midget, then gets Lou Diamond Phillips to karate-chop it for him instead. 7.5 points.
Harvey Dent: gets karate-chopped by a midget, cries like a bitch. Ditto Two-Face, but with half as many tears. Minus 20,000 points because both personalities fail.

I call it the Froodilicus Scale of Karate-Chopped Midgets. Obviously you can't rely on it entirely - for example, Brennan would have no problem karate-chopping a midget whereas The Dave would, but clearly The Dave is clearly cooler than Brennan. But as a rough guide, it's pretty accurate.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm thinking of buying a new storage unit as the number of books, DVDs and random crap in my house has once again reached critical mass. At the moment I am torn between this and this. On the one hand, the cabinet gives me much more storage space and as it's got glass shelves, I can put my models and suchlike in there and not have to worry about dusting them. On the other hand, it's white and white wooden furniture always makes me feel like I'm trapped in a John Hughes movie circa 1984. Comments? Suggestions?

Oh, and finally, and having nothing to do with anything discussed above: MOAR ZODIAC PORN PLZ. That is all.

*For the record, given that pretty much every Chanel product smells like catpiss, I think it would be very effective as a weapon used either by or against terrorists. I know if you sprayed it on me, I'd be too busy choking and retching to even think about blowing stuff up until I'd had a shower.

Oh dudes, seriously, how gay is the second season ending to Numb3rs? That final scene where Charlie's dreaming about his mum, and then he wakes up and wanders into the dining room where Don's doing his paperwork, Charlie totally looks ready to jump him right there. Kiss my ass, Supernatural, this is what real homoerotic brother-on-brother tension looks like.

In other news, I'm afraid it is my sad duty to inform you all that the Southernator has gone completely insane, and has therefore been removed from her role as my co-executive director at the League of Hot. So complete is her delusion, she actually suggested Chad Micheal Murray, aka That Squinty-Eyed Idiot from One Tree Hill, as the third member of the Holy Triumvirate of Hotness. This is not only ridiculous, it's blasphemy, as everyone knows the Triumvirate, comprised as it is of the three most beautiful men alive, consists of Johnny Depp, David Boreanaz and Colin Farrell, aka The Depp, The Dave and The Colin. Anything else is heresy and punishable by being burnt at the stake.

Also, she's pretty much totally in love with Dan the Man. I'm not making this up.

So, FX have just announced that the sixth season of Nip/Tuck will be the last. I'm pretty much in favour of this, not because I have any issues with the show itself, but simply because there are so many shows that outstay their welcome and then what once was beautiful and pure becomes this evil-smelling swamp of ridiculous plots and shitty inconsistant characterization and dialogue so bad you want to gouge out your eyes from the sheer horror of it all.

Yeah, I still have issues relating to those last few seasons of Buffy.

But seriously, I think there should be some sort of law that if you want to extend your show beyond three seasons, you have to prove it won't suck beyond all measure before you're allowed to do it. Like, I'm sad that Deadwood is no more, but nothing like as sad as I would have been if it had degenerated into pointless crap involving mysically appearing kid sisters and Al becoming some whiny tardface with his stupid fake soul and lovebots and fucking annoying high school nerds gone Darkside...

Ahem. I'm sorry, I really will shut up about Buffy now.

But anyway, with Nip/Tuck going off the air, and what is most likely the end of my love affair with Bones, and this season of the Wire being the last (like Deadwood, an example of an awesome show that has the foresight to bow out gracefully and with lots of fake serial killings) it means I'm pretty much left with Numb3rs to fall back on. And BSG, of course, but that's not really light after-work viewing, and frankly not homoerotic at all.

And although The Bunk is of course awesome, I do not approve of how much more laid back Don is since starting therapy. I missed it the first time, as I was busy being relieved over the whole "Colby is not a filthy Communist spy" thing, but Don has not pistol-whipped anyone, hurled a suspect around an interrogation room or allowed Lou Diamond Phillips to torture people at all this season. I really do not approve. Bring back the old Don, who shouted at everyone and then shot a bunch of guys and looked serious! Charlie is adorable and Colby is burly and Larry is awesome, but seriously, I require more manly violence! Somebody recommend some shows with manly violence in them to me. Oh, and not any variation on CSI - fucking David Caruso's syphilis-raddled face has poisoned me against all forms of CSI forever. And not Supernatural either, for the same reason only substitute "Jared Padalecki" for "David Caruso".

God. Why is there not more Jericho? WHY YOU GUYS?! Okay, Jake Green never tied a bunch of hams to some guy so alligators would eat him, and he can't fight crime with maths, but he can fly planes and look sad, and I bet Mister Hawkins is the World Champion when it comes to pistol-whipping and the torture of suspects.

Goddamn you, television. Don't force me to entertain myself!