...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Did anyone else watch My Own Worst Enemy? Does anyone else kind of love it? Not only has Christian Slater finally got a role that requires him to look hot, kill people and then monologue snarkily about it (which is something he hasn't had a chance to do since around 1988) but it has Dudley Smith! Everything is automatically a thousand times better with Dudley Smith, especially when he's a bit dodgy and manipulative and questionably Irish.

Also Raymond. I love Raymond, he's so mean. I love how he is completely dismissive of Henry. Like Henry will wake up and ask a perfectly reasonable question like, "Why are we in Russia?" or "Why are dudes shooting at us?" and Raymond just rolls his eyes like Henry's the dumbest thing he's ever witnessed, and then Henry is all OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU NOT MY NICE FRIEND TOM?! and Raymond is like SERIOUSLY I WILL SHOOT YOU IN YOUR FACE IF YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME LOSER! and Henry is all WAHH LIFE IS HARD NOW I WILL GO AND CRY IN A CORNER! and Raymond is all grouchy and snotty about it but he saves him anyway and dudes, it's pretty beautiful.

Supernatural is also slightly beautiful. I just watched the episode after Castiel comes back from getting a bollocking in Heaven about, well, basically about having become Dean's little gay angel bitch, let's face it, and Dean's all, OH MY GOD DO AS I SAY and Castiel's like OH MY GOD YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME DEAN WINCHESTER! and then he storms out in a huff and Dean's just like, WTF DICKHEAD! and then in the end Castiel comes back and does exactly what Dean asked him to in the first place.

Oh Castiel. Dean is quite clearly the boss of you.

Oh man, you guys, I have just had my best idea ever! Having finally succumbed to my own suckiness, I have purchased the alledgedly "ultimate" edition of Alexander, and was disappointed to discover it contained no Colin Farrel/Jared Leto sex scenes, no dinosaurs, no lasers and no car chases. I mean, can you really call anything an "ultimate" version of something if there aren't even any car chases? Shame on you, Oliver Stone.

Anyway, while pondering the injustice of misleading Hollywood reissues, I sulked my way through an extra twenty minutes of Jared Leto and Colin Farrel not getting it on, and at last Ye Olde Anthony Hopkins appeared to tell me my pain was at an end, as signalled by a shot of a statue that looks nothing like The Colin. I sigh a sigh of bitterest disappointment while Anthony Hopkins and his beard witter on about "the greatest man I ever knew," blahblahblah historical boringcakes, and then I hear the words, "Mecha Alexandros".

And that's when it hit me. The key to a successful retelling of the Alexander legend is to set it in SPACE! Instead of Macedonian sheep herders, Alexander will be descended from the inventors of the first Mecha capable of space flight, but the evil Persian empire has long since co-opted the technology for their own nefarious purposes. Led by the dread king D3r1u5, the Persian empire assassinate King Phillip in a bid to subvert intergalactic patent laws relating to their new mechanical army. However, they have reckoned without the bravery of the young Prince Alexander and his snake-charming MILF, Queen Olympias.

Buccephelus will be Alexanders' fighter craft, who talks, and Nearchus will be a flamboyantly gay space pirate who is never seen without a bottle of mineral water in hand and insists on referring to Alexander and "Alexander the Fabulous". Hephaestion will take over the traditional "bitchy queen" role and largely be based on Cordelia Chase.

Obviously it would be super-awesome if we can get Jared Leto and Colin Farrel back, but on the offchance that they want nothing to do with this thing of beauty, I already have the new cast in line: Nick Stahl will play the role of Alexander, with Sean Maher playing Hephaestion. Christian Slater will be Philip, Cynthia Ettinger will be Olympias and the role of Nearchus will be ably filled by Zachary Quinto. IT CANNOT POSSIBLY GO WRONG!

Dudes, why isn't there a sequel to Heathers? WHY?! At least with other fandoms where there isn't enough canon to go around (Once Upon a Time in Mexico, for example, or the History Boys, or even to a lesser extent SWAT) I can console myself with massive amounts of porn err... well thought-out additions to the universe originally laid out in the movies. But with Heathers, there's nobody carrying on the torch - JD explodes, Veronica smokes, Martha Dumptruck does donuts with her scooter thing, and that's the lot.

Man, somebody write me a sequel to Heathers. JD should be like this mean hallucination and trying to get Veronica to kill some dudes, and you'd never be sure if she's just seeing him because she's nuts or because he is a spooky ghost of evil! And then at the end, Betty Finn would be the baddie! It would rock.

More JD. More Agent Sands. More Gamble/Street porn. That's pretty much this post in ten words or less.

Somebody help me decide what to watch now. I am sad because nothing I own is Heathers 2: the Stabbening. Suggest things!

God, there are some right divs at the House of Gas. The fire alarm went off today and, I kid you not, our fire warden stood there in the middle of the corridor, blocking the way, bleating about whether or not we knew where the assembly point for our call centre was in the event of a fire. I was like, "Hmm, is it perchance outside of the burning building?" How do these people make it to adulthood? Fuckwad.

Anyway, some important points to note:

• The Wolverine movie is beautiful. It's a bit soap-opera-ish with the evil long lost brother thing and of course it has Gambit in (boo!) but really, this is about Hugh Jackman wearing leather and lots of hairspray, and a flimsy excuse for a plot strung together wuth awesomely choreographed fight scenes.
  
  
• Hairspray has a bit wrecked the earlier X-Men movies for me. Well, not X3, that one came pre-wrecked. But now I cannot look at Cyclops without seeing Corny Collins and wanting him to dance and sing and be massively inappropriate on a daytime kids TV show. And then I feel sad when it doesn't happen.
  
  
• If the Wolverine movie is beautiful, then Coraline is even more beautiful. I cannot describe the wonder. Go watch!
  
  
• I love the movie version of Interview with the Vampire. I sometimes forget how much I love it because I'm a bit shallow and there's nobody I really think is hot in there,* and also nowadays it's a bit tainted from the combined batshittery of Tom Cruise and Anne Rice, but I was watching it on Sunday and as soon as I heard those first few bars in the opening sequence, all my love for it came rushing back.
  
  
• The first half of the fourth season of Supernatural is semi-awesome. That's not the same as being full-on good, by the way. It's like, a bit good. There's a lifesized walking, talking, suicidal teddy bear (awesome), a stubbly angel who's a bit gay for Dean (awesome), an episode which is basically Supernatural does the Universal Studios Monster Mash (awesome to the power of a sideways eight thing) and BUNNY! Unfortunately, there's also creepy Padaleckisex, the stubbly angel isn't as stubbly or as overtly gay for Dean as I feel he could be, and Bunny is really mean. To like, everyone. Oh Bunny, how have we come to this? Also, there were these totally mean witches who tried to ruin Halloween for everyone. Boo, mean witches! You're lucky it was only Sam and Dean that showed up to punish you with guns. If Jack Skellington had been there, then you'd be sorry.
  
  
• I had better have pig flu! I feel like shit and the only thing keeping me from curling up and dying in misery is the thought that I am actively spreading a contagion that will wipe out billions of humans. If this turns out just to be a bad cold, I will be pissed.
  
  
• The Assassination of Jesse James is soooooooo booooring. Casey Affleck may be mildly less hideous than his sibling, but they are both gaping voids in the fabric of the universe, into which any semblence of talent or charisma is dragged, screaming, into the darkness, ne'er to return. Also, it is so badly directed, they have to have some random narrate what's going on in every scene.

Anyway, I think that's all the important life lessons I learnt this week - I trust you will all take them on board and be enriched by my wisdom. I'm going to watch the Wire and bemoan Bunny's fall from grace. Oh Bunny!

*Okay, it has Christian Slater, but he's in it for like ten minutes, and althoughg Antonio Banderas is normally hot, let's face it, white base and a Morticia Addams wig are not a good look for him.

My rabbit delights in mocking me. I've been revising all afternoon, and I swear, he was deliberatly stretching and yawning and falling asleep on the sofa next to me just to rub my nose in it. Little grey bastard. He twitches in his sleep, too - no doubt chasing dogs or something.

In other news, I saw Kingdom of Heaven on Thursday... ( Cut for spoilers )

And finally, memes stolen from imbeiaiel:

FILM MEME

1. Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
101, not counting the animated ones because they're in a different wallet and I can't be bothered to go and count them.

2. The last film I bought:
Phantom of the Opera

3. The last film I watched:
Kingdom of Heaven

4. Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:
Pump Up the Volume
Heathers
Interview with a Vampire
The Last Unicorn
Watership Down

USERINFO MEME

1. Does my username suit me?

2. Is my journal's title cryptic or descriptive? What do you think it means?

3. Do you think my bio describes me well? If there were no names given would you be able to guess who it was describing?

4. Which of my interests surprises you the least?

5. Which of my interests surprises you the most?

6. Which of my interests needs explaining?

7. Which of my user pics suits me best? Why?

Aaaand that is all.

Movie Meme

The rules

-- Pick one dozen movies that are ones that you have special feelings about.
-- Pick a few lines of dialogue.
-- As people guess the film, strike out that entry.
-- After the film is guessed, explain why that movie made the list.
( Read more... )