...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Oh you guys. I just saw a movie that had Shawn Farrell from the 4400 in it, except instead of being beautiful and earnest, he was torturing dudes and generally being horrible in a non-entertaining way. OH SHAWN! What would your beloved Uncle Tommy say?!

Also, I have been reading the Locke and Key comics - I heard about them initially because beautiful Nick Stahl was supposed to be in a TV series based on it, being beautiful and probably doing some other stuff that I may or may not have cared about, but Fox didn't pick it up so now we'll never know. That aside, the comics themselves are really good - without giving anything away, a family moves into a big old house with loads of locked rooms and cupboards, and if the right person opens the right door with the right key, magical shit happens. If I say much more I will totally ruin it for you, but it's awesome and you guys should watch it.

On the subject of Nick Stahl, none of you are talking about Carnivale enough. This makes me cross. White Collar dudes, you should also be watching it because it has Tim DeKay in it aswell. Don't make Liamneeson send you to hell with all the Twin Peaks-ignoring rejects.

One last thing - I mentioned a while ago that I'd been reading a book about a zombie PI who went around fighting crime, which was cool, and having a non-zombie girlfriend, which was not cool, even if saying so makes me a racist. I just finished the third book, and the girlfriend is pregnant, which is so horrible I don't even want to discuss it, but I keep reading because it's full of these little scraps of meta-humour that make me smile. Case in point:

'Before we could start toward them, the front door opened and a teenage boy with mussed hair and a pouty expression walked in. He had the elongated canines of the Bloodborn, but his skin gave off a glimmering sheen.

A couple of bald, overly muscled, heavily tattooed vampires clad in scuffed leather snarled at the sight of the luminous teen. They rose from their chairs, stalked toward him, flanked him on either side, grabbed hold of his arms, lifted him off the floor, and started escorting him back toward the door.

"Hey, take it easy, guys!" the teen whined. "It's not my fault I sparkle!"

The biker vampires laughed as they left the bar, and the iron door slammed ominously shut behind them.'

Well played, Tim Waggoner. Very well played, and vastly superiour to that piece-of-shit Supernatural parody that offended my precious eyes last week. If they ever made a Nekropolis TV show, I would watch it.

As long as there was no overt zombie/regular person smooching. I have my limits.

Oh, oh, I forgot to mention - Carnivale is on Sky Atlantic at 9pm on Mondays. You should all watch it, because it is awesome and has beautiful Nick Stahl being beautiful and also Tim DeKay! Then come here and write loads of comments so we can all discuss how beautiful it is and be super-bitter that it was cancelled after only two seasons.

OH MY GOD, dudes, how awesome is White Collar? I'd sort of forgotten about it since season one ended and for some unknown reason, probably to do with the fact that the UK hates freedom, season 2 isn't out until January of next year, but I was catching up on it today and OH GOD SO GOOD!

Johnny and the Mighty Prawn (he has upgraded himself from just The Prawn) are still "too sick to work", so inbetween frying steaks, drinking beer and playing motorbike games today, they were wandering in and out while I was watching it, and according to The Mighty Prawn, "I would do all of those characters". Truly, no higher praise!

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say, so I'm going back downstairs to watch the rest. Laters!

Okay dudes, googlebrat has come up with the awesome concept of the Anti-Wishlist. No, it's not a list of things that are shit that I do not want you to buy for me. These are beautiful things that I already own, that I think other people should also own. Because they are beautiful.

In the grand tradition of all the best memes, once you have read my Anti-Wishlist and been overwhelmed by my good taste and encyclopedic knowledge of everything that is good ever, you have to write your own Anti-Wishlist. Be it games, music, books, films, TV shows, whatever, make a list of ten things you think other people should want for Christmas, and why.

1. How To Rob A Bank
   
   Dudes, it totally offends me that more of you are not talking about the greatness of this movie. It basically starts with Nick Stahl (aka Ben Hawkins from Carnivale) ranting about bank surcharges while trapped in a bank vault, then moves to him ripping the duct-tape off the mouth of Jessica, a saucy librarian type (saucy librarians are my favourite kind of librarian, FYI) who proceeds to verbally abuse him, which prompts him to snap "Whoa there, Skippy. If I wanted more verbal abuse, I would just call some customer service centre somewhere." She mutters something behind the gag, and Ben (he will henceforth be refered to as Ben) asks sarcastically, "What was that? Was that 'Sorry for being a bitch'? 'I'll be nicer now?'" Anyway, Ben goes on to get into a snarking match via mobile phone with Balthazar from Constantine, who is there trying to rob the vault, and is cranky because Ben has ruined his plan by getting stuck in there when he ran for cover during the robbery and the door closed behind him. There's a lot of completely genius moments, but my personal favourites are the scene where Ben gets Balthazar and the hostage negotiator, Officer Degepse, on a conference call and cons Balthazar into apologising to Degepse and Degepse into accepting the apology, before being distracted by Jessica and hanging up after telling them to "talk among yourselves," and the moment when Balthazar's 'phone battery dies, prompting him to walk out of the bank, hurl his mobile at the SWAT officers surrounding him, hitting Degepse in the head, and then staring at them for a long moment before walking calmly back inside.
   
   
2. Carnivale
   
   Seriously guys, why have more of you not watched this yet? If you liked Twin Peaks, American Gothic or Eerie Indiana, you should be watching Carnivale. Beautiful Nick Stahl takes time out from screwing up bank robberies in order to play the worlds unhappiest Avatar of Light. Ben wanders around looking miserable and confused, pausing occaisonally to shag Clea Duvall and Adrienne Barbeau, pretty much making him my hero for life. Meanwhile, Clancy Brown proves his evilness by making a mean paedophile dude kill himself (what?) and totally wanting his sister, while Cynthia Ettinger and Tim DeKay have pretty much the hottest on-screen romance that I have ever seen, ever. This is basically Twin Peaks if it was on HBO and took place in a travelling circus with strippers. It's awesome, and you should all be ashamed for not loving it like I do.
   
   
3. The 4400
   
   I have pimped this in way more detail here, but this is basically Heroes if Heroes had a cast where everybody could act instead of leaving the beautiful Pasdar to struggle on alone, and the characterization, dialogue and plotting didn't totally fucking suck. In brief, a giant ball of light appears over Seattle, and from it emerges a whole mess of people who have disappeared over the last 60 years. They haven't aged a day, and some of them have come back with magical powers. A beautiful, earnest government agent dude with a penchant for being in a shower whenever an important plot point comes up investigates. There are flavours of man-hottness to suit every palette, and oh, it's quite a good show too.
   
   
4. Profit
   
   Speaking of the beautiful Pasdar... this is pretty much him wandering around naked, with messy hair and too much eyeliner, while being evil in a variety of ways and narrating about how evil he is. Oh, and sleeping with his mum. AWESOME! My favourite bits are when he persuades a woman to go back to her estranged husband, even though he knows that the dude is a total psycho who will probably kill her, because it's the only way the husband will sign a deal that means more monies for the Pasdar, and the part where he deliberately traps another character alone with the uncle who molested her when she was thirteen, and then is totally smug and gleeful about it in the voice-over. That's some cold shit, the Pasdar. And I love it.
   
   
5. Wasting Away
   
   You guys, this is simply the best zombie movie EVER. Yes, better than Dawn of the Dead. Yes, better than Shaun of the Dead. Yes, better even than if they made a movie of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and somehow were able to travel back in time and get thirty-year-old Colin Firth to star in it. The premise is that a bunch of people get infected with Zombie, except they don;t know that they're zombies and they think everyone else is all crazy and high-pitched and runs around really fast. They meet this other dude who tells them that they're super-soldiers, except it turns out he's just this zombie caretaker dude and then he goes crazy and does a dance. Wendall from Bones and the guy from Tigerland who isn't Colin Farrell star. It's marvellous. Why aren't you watching it right now? In fact, why aren't I?! Fuck this list, I'll finish it later.

Dudes, there are two new shows this season that I really want to hear about and none of you are talking about, and that displeases me. So, with immediate effect, everyone please start posting about White Collar and the Cult.

That is all.

So, prompted by the EPICNESS of Nick Stahl's suprising talent for snark in How To Rob A Bank, I declared today The Day That Was The Day, or for those of you who are losers who won't take advice, Carnivale Day. Dudes, I love Carnivale. I wish there was more of it. I wish there was a full six seasons of wacky allegory and wanton symbolism and Cynthia Ettinger's breasts. I want Tim DeKay's little crush on Ben and Iris being creepy as all get out. I want show-runners with PhDs in anthropology who assume everyone is as familiar with the concepts of Avataric lore as they are. I want to be able to sit there and go, "What is this shit? I have no idea what's going on!" and then give up and admire Nick Stahl's milky-white torso. I want to see Lodz come back. I want to find out what was up with that fuckin' bear. I want to find out if Sofie really does bring about the End of Days. I want Ben and Ruthie to get some closure. I want to see poor Ben's heart break when he finds out Sofie is the Omega. I want Stumpy to be... well, Stumpy, and I want to know what the deal was with Sampson and Management.

But, God hates me and Carnivale is cancelled. So I have to make do with whatever pieces of pure awesome I can find on YouTube. And these are pretty awesome. Highlights:

Ben, to Libby: Let's go kill some birds, I'm psyched!

Ben,to Lodz: I said not it! If the playround rules aren't in effect, this is anarchy!

Norman, to Justin: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things keep happening to you is because you're a dumbass.

Ben, painting up Ruthie's banner: I suck at this job.

The fact that "Ben" plays over the closing credits of the first link.

The COPS parody at the start of the second - triple bonus points for the sped-up shot of Gabriel picking Ben up while he kicks and flails and generally looks like a complete spastic.

And my personal favourite?

Justin: *GODZILLA ROAR*

Oh, also Psych is okay. I may write more about it later, but I may not. Who knows?

Oh, PS: I would have also wanted to see that creepy fuck Evander Geddes get his. What a dick, seriously.