...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Guysguysguys! I have to tell you about this AMAZING film I have discovered. It is about Crixus fighting DEVIL COWS and it is called "Crixus versus Devil Cows"* and it is perfect!

Okay, so it has one teeny tiny flaw, and that flaw is that for the whole first five minutes, there is NO CRIXUS, but instead there is this crazy old king dude who wears a SERIOUSLY mad hat and he monologues hammily and brilliantly (not in an amnoying way like some anthony hopkinses I could mention) and then I think he falls down a hole with the devil cows, but like, for no reason - one minute him and his mad hat are monologuing crazily, then BAM, in a hole.

Okay, so after that we are in a desert, I guess, and Crixus and a dude are gonna steal some stuff from like, a bald wizard dude, but not bald in an actually scary evil way like Voldemort, he's just some old bald dude who is REALLY camp and over the top at villain-being. And Crixus is basically like "yay wacky adventure time!" and dudes this is so terrible, I think Crixus is trying to be like, cool and funny in like a Han Solo, Indiana Jones action hero-y way, but it's so weird and hes so bad at it!

Also the wizard dude is hilariously useless, like Crixus has an invisibility cloak and the wizard dude is like "what's that?" and Crixus is all, "its my invisibility cloak, I glowered at three English teenagers until they wept and handed it over, it was really funny!" and then he puts it on and, obviously, he's invisible, but the wizard dude TOTALLY freaks out, like "YARG ARGH WHAT IS HAPPENING!" and like, one, its an invisibily cloak, not an eldritch abomination from beyond the cosmos, don't be such a fucking pussy, and two, Crixus literally just told you it was an invisibility cloak, and while he does have a fairly noticable kiwi accent, it's not as if he's hard to understand, pay attention!

Oh, and right before he vanishes, Crixus sticks his tongue out at the dude. No word of a lie. It was worth the £3 I spent on this DVD purely for that moment. Actually, if the dude was as busy going "what the fuck Crixus!" as I was, it's probably not suprising that he missed the bit of info about the cloak.

And there's a dude with piranha teeth and a really obviously painted-on boat on a really obviously painted-on sea, and there is a truly terrible fight scene where I think Crixus genuinely got jabbed in the eye coz either his eyes are watering or Sinbad is a huge pussy.

Then he goes to an island on his awesomely fake ship and some of his dudes die and he's trying to have "my best bro is dead I will avenge him" sadtimes but dude, you're not in Spartacus right now, sack up.

Then he pranks a demonic monster cow into falling down a hole, which is fucking hilarious, then some more of his dudes die and there's more of him crying and vowing to kill dudes, then he goes nuts and just starts hopping about like an epileptic on meth for no reason.

And then, and this is the most beautiful bit of this whole beautiful film, the dudes on the island turn into zombie cow mutant hybrids!

So then the rest of the movie is Crixus battling all this cow-zombie dudes (maybe werecows is a better description?) and jumping off shit, which he loves to do, and eventually all his dudes are dead, and all the zombie werecows are dead, oh and the wizard and the piranha dude are dead because I guess they were there too for some reason, and then it's the end.

Oh and I guess I should warn you, in the last scene he's looking at this bird and the bird is not Naevia or even Naevia 2 and it's pretty gross but it gets worse because OH MY GOD THEY'RE KISSING THAT'S WRONG SHE IS NOT EITHER OF THE NAEVIAS NO CRIXUS THAT'S A BAD CRIXUS.

So basically, it is a terrible, terrible film, and I love it, and you all need to watch it and basically write me INSANE crossover fanfiction that explains why Crixus essentially took a year off from fighting slavery to go to an island and fight zombie cows. Bonus points for Spartacus 2 being super judgemental about a gap year plan that involves werecows and magic items more suitable for highschoolers.

*Possibly it is called Sinbad and the Minotaur, but my title does a better job of selling the movie.

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