...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Oh shit, you guys! I'm watching that episode of Numb3rs with the Toxic Manifesto and the product tampering, and it's one of my favourite episodes, mostly because it combines the alpha-male coolness of Lou Diamond Phillips, aka Boothius Maximus, with this rancher dude who was falsely accused of selling tainted beef and killing a US Marshall, and he's all capable and manly and lives off the land in a way that makes me weak-kneed and trembly because I'm a lazyass city person and I find that whole concept terribly impressive, and I never really talked about this before because he's only in the one episode and he doesn't interact with any of the characters (because he's busy being a MANLY FUGITIVE FROM INJUSTICE!) and-and-and I just realized, he's the same guy who played stupid whiny Micheal from Stargate Atlantis and now I feel dirty and violated and not in the good way.

Sigh. Now I must find someone else rugged and capable to crush on.

So, is it just me or is the entire plot of Numb3rs pretty much "everyone wants to molest Charlie"? Seriously dudes, I have even broken it down into list form and the evidence is clear.

-You've got the Core Charlie Molesters, aka Amita, Colby and Don. It's actually canon that they want to molest Charlie, so I'm not going to bother talking about them today.
-David probably wants to molest Charlie, but Alimi Ballard seems incapable of portraying any emotion other than "amused condescension", so it's hard to tell*.
-Milly really wants to molest Papa Eppes, but I bet if she had the chance to indulge in naughty Charlie-touching, she would.
-Megan wants to, but she's smart emough to realise that Don would cut her like a bitch, so she wouldn't go through with it.
-Ditto The Bunk. He would think about it, and smoke some cigars.
-Larry is busy being distracted by the cosmos and Megan, so he has no time for Charlie-molestin'. He's the exception that proves the rule.
-Big Daddy Luthor wants to, but Charlie spent that whole episode sulking because for once, he wasn't the one with the most magnificent hair on the show, so it would never work between them.
-Russ Brennan definately wanted to, but he caught fire, so that's that.
-Lou Diamond Phillips pretends he's teaching Charlie about shooting, but really it's an excuse to touch him up on the gun range.
-Oswald Kitner hasn't realised his own Charlie-molestering desires yet, but he's probably not over the suprise of getting shot at and recruited into the Sooper Sekrit FBI Baseball Doping Detection Team. Give him time.
-Vicky Nelson for sure wanted to. She's all, "Oh Professor Eppes, let's talk about stupid car crashes and shit while I flick my hair attractively!" Then she had to go fight evil in Toronto, so that was that.
-Lady Lawyers usually prefer molestin' Don. It must be a secret rule that Alpha Male FBI Agents and Lady Lawyers are attracted to each other, as The Dave has pretty much the same arrangement in Bones, ie all Lady Lawyers are belong to him.
-Marshall Penfield not only wants to molest Charlie, but actually goes so far as to math-stalk him. That's whole new levels of creepy.
-that random English neurosurgeon did, but then she was like, "Oh wait, I forgot I am actually engaged, so, bye!" and that was the end of her.
-Finn Montegomery did, but he killed himself. Good day, Finn Montegomery.
-Joseph Gordon Levitt did, but he was busy murdering folk and going to jail.
-Random Columbian Exile did - did you see how inappropriately close he was getting when Charlie was explaining how to not get assassinated?
-Will Patton pretends he's too gruff and no-nonsense LAPD-like to want to molest Charlie, but we know better.
-The idiot Black Ops guy who tried to put sarin in the water supply did, but he was an idiot, so, later for him.

I was going to write something about work here, but it would have been boring and negative, so I shall leave you with my "everybody wants to molest Charlie" ramblings and go to bed. Adieu!

*This is actually true. David would have the exact same expression even if he was bitten by a werewolf or something. Colby, Don and Megan would be all like OMGWTFWEREWOLF! and David would have this look on his face like he's enjoying a private joke that nobody else is smooth enough to get. Lycanthropy would not even dent the surface of his cool. He'd be like, "Oh, I'm a werewolf. How mildly entertaining."

So apparently I have laryngitis. I would like to say YES OH MY GOD THANK YOU LIAMNEESON! but I have completely lost my voice, so I can't say anything at all. And in case you're wondering why I should be so joyful about contracting a voice-stealing viral infection, it's because I am now doctor-ordered to stay off the 'phones and away from fuckwit customers. So in your FACE, House of Gas, if you'd let me off when I first told you my voice was going and my throat hurt, it probably wouldn't have gotten to this stage, but now? Now you can suck my DICK for the next few weeks. That'll teach you to treat your employees like shit and assume you know the rhythms of my body better than I do.

On an entirely different note, is there some kind of secret rule that Jeremy Renner doesn't get to live to the end of any movie ever? Even when you really think that this time will be the time he makes it, he always ends up getting stabbed or run over by a train or set on fire by the stupid US Army. Also, it's very confusing when people keep calling him Doyle. I don't think that should be allowed.

In other news, I have been re-watching the earlier seasons of Numb3rs, you know, back when Don supplied the required amounts of suspect-beating and manly violence, and seriously, it is so awesome. I love that bit where Megan and Charlie are having a conversation about some evil professor dude having a poker tell, and Megan's all, *gives psychological advice* and then Charlie asks to borrow some FBI survelliance equiptment to spy on the evil dude and Megan's like, "Uhh... no." And Charlie looks really put out, like it was a totally reasonable request and Megan's just being awkward about it. Also, the whole Thing with Megan and Larry is so cute and filled with convoluted cosmic metaphor and general coolity. Like when they're having a conversation about bathtubs and Megan's all, trying to insinuate Adult Things and Larry keeps going on and on about Archimedes and other Larry-like stuff and it's just great and adorkable.

Also, the whole Colby/Charlie thing has totally grown on me - like in the treasure-huntin' episode when Liz is all new and Charlie is jibbing about some... I think it was a towboat or something, I don't know... and Liz is being all skeptical about the POWERS OF MATHS and she's like, "Tch, silliness!" and Colby's all, "No really, he's fun to watch" and Liz gives him this look like, "Yeah, maybe for you, I prefer my Eppes with more MANLY VIOLENCE, thank you very much." And when Kathy Najimy keeps trying to manipulate Charlie into doing stuff by comparing him to James Bond, and he shows up at a crime scene in a tux and he's all, IMMA LIKE JAMES BOND WITH MATHS! and Colby is like, "no" and Charlie is like, *sadface* and OMG you guys it is so cute, go and watch Numb3rs!

Argh... you know when you want fic, but you're too lazy to go look for it yourself? That's what I'm like at the moment. Somebody go find me some Colby/Charlie fic that is awesome and contains no sadness or angst or anything bad. Oh, and especially nothing where the characters waste pages and pages whining about how Don/David/Alan/Larry/Megan will react. They will be awesome, just like they always are. Lou Diamond Phillips will probably be disapproving, but he and Don will glare at each other through their alpha-male sunglasses until they feel the issue is resolved. Then everyone will drink coffee. It's just like a real episode, but with mankissing! I should totally write for TV.

So, FX have just announced that the sixth season of Nip/Tuck will be the last. I'm pretty much in favour of this, not because I have any issues with the show itself, but simply because there are so many shows that outstay their welcome and then what once was beautiful and pure becomes this evil-smelling swamp of ridiculous plots and shitty inconsistant characterization and dialogue so bad you want to gouge out your eyes from the sheer horror of it all.

Yeah, I still have issues relating to those last few seasons of Buffy.

But seriously, I think there should be some sort of law that if you want to extend your show beyond three seasons, you have to prove it won't suck beyond all measure before you're allowed to do it. Like, I'm sad that Deadwood is no more, but nothing like as sad as I would have been if it had degenerated into pointless crap involving mysically appearing kid sisters and Al becoming some whiny tardface with his stupid fake soul and lovebots and fucking annoying high school nerds gone Darkside...

Ahem. I'm sorry, I really will shut up about Buffy now.

But anyway, with Nip/Tuck going off the air, and what is most likely the end of my love affair with Bones, and this season of the Wire being the last (like Deadwood, an example of an awesome show that has the foresight to bow out gracefully and with lots of fake serial killings) it means I'm pretty much left with Numb3rs to fall back on. And BSG, of course, but that's not really light after-work viewing, and frankly not homoerotic at all.

And although The Bunk is of course awesome, I do not approve of how much more laid back Don is since starting therapy. I missed it the first time, as I was busy being relieved over the whole "Colby is not a filthy Communist spy" thing, but Don has not pistol-whipped anyone, hurled a suspect around an interrogation room or allowed Lou Diamond Phillips to torture people at all this season. I really do not approve. Bring back the old Don, who shouted at everyone and then shot a bunch of guys and looked serious! Charlie is adorable and Colby is burly and Larry is awesome, but seriously, I require more manly violence! Somebody recommend some shows with manly violence in them to me. Oh, and not any variation on CSI - fucking David Caruso's syphilis-raddled face has poisoned me against all forms of CSI forever. And not Supernatural either, for the same reason only substitute "Jared Padalecki" for "David Caruso".

God. Why is there not more Jericho? WHY YOU GUYS?! Okay, Jake Green never tied a bunch of hams to some guy so alligators would eat him, and he can't fight crime with maths, but he can fly planes and look sad, and I bet Mister Hawkins is the World Champion when it comes to pistol-whipping and the torture of suspects.

Goddamn you, television. Don't force me to entertain myself!