...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

SANYA! Oh Sanya, I love you! I don't even care that you don't lend yourself instantly to a descriptive nickname (Micheal already took Sword Guy and the little Japanese dude is Mister Miyagi, but I don't know any Russian people except for the metal X-Men dude, Krycek and the gay Russian spy from the Stormbreaker books, and he isn't like any of them), I love you just as you are.

In other news, note to self: when deciding to walk along cliff-face footpaths that you last walked as a toddler, and which you quite possibly have imagined, please check what time the sun sets before leaving. This avoids embarrassing situations where you get caught in the fucking wilderness in the dark and have the crap scared out of you by the Cow Mafia.

Also, when the wind is strong enough to knock you several feet back as soon as you open the front door, this is maybe a sign that you should stick to the roads rather than wander off looking for dirt tracks six inches wide, with no fences and straight drops into the sea. You tard.

Okay, one, I just watched American Outlaws, and it was BEAUTIFUL and an EXACT EXAMPLE of what all films about the Wild West should be, ie it should consist entirely of Colin Farrel being wet and shirtless and FOOLISHLY BRAVE and saying that various lady friends of his friends have moustaches EVEN THOUGH quite clearly they don't.

Secondly, dudes, I have been totally remiss in not talking more about my love for Once a Thief, for it is lovely and you should all watch it. I'm talking about the cheesy rip-off TV series, not the serious boring John Woo movie that doesn't even have Krycek in it, obviously.

If you've never heard of Once a Thief, there is quite a good overview of it here. It's this utterly marvellous show about these two ex-thieves, Li Ann and Mac, and an ex-cop who was UNJUSTLY FRAMED for some crime he didn't do - except that it's Krycek so probably he did do it really, just in a different way than everyone thinks, and then lied about it, because THAT IS HOW HE ROLLS - who work for a SHADOWY GOVERNMENT AGENCY (that you never learn the name of, and which is repeatedly referred to by all the characters as "a shadowy government agency") under the guidence of Jennifer Dale, aka MYSTIQUE, as the Director. Everything is about a hundred times better with Mystique. It also features a Valley Girl-cum-Mob Boss (no, really) and the two most awesomely marvellous assassins in the entire known universe, and it is SO GOOD YOU GUYS, oh my God.

Reasons you should watch it:

• Murphy and Camier, the Cleaners, get called in to provide backup on a case when Mac, Krycek and Jackie (the Valley Girl-cum-Mob Boss who gets recruited into the Agency later in the series, dudes I totally gave that away, sorry) are kidnapped by some evils. After the evils are defeated, the Cleaners are going to execute them, but Jennifer Dale stops them. The Cleaners get really het up about this and mention filing a grievance through their union because Jennifer Dale brought them there under false pretenses and didn't let them kill some dudes.
  
  
• When Mac gets married, Krycek offers to throw him a bachelor party, except Mac doesn't have any friends so Krycek brings in a random bunch of Japanese tourists, the Cleaners and a scientist that he interviewed from a case he was working on to fill out the numbers. No, really.
  
  
• One episode starts with Li Ann and Jackie having this knock-down drag-out catfight in the middle of the Agency award ceremony. Mac and Krycek spend the rest of that episode fantasising about various girl-fights and betting on who would win. At the end of the episode, Krycek stupidly bets on Li Ann and Jackie to defeat the Director, despite the fact that Jennifer Dale has never lost a steel cage match.
  
  
• During a brawl in a strip club, Mac is mistaken for a baddie and gets maced by the security dudes. While he's clawing at his eyes and screaming "I'm on your side! I'm one of you!" Krycek laughs evilly and wanders off. Seriously, he just lets him get arrested and everything, it's hilarious.
  
  
• It has KRYCEK! I don't even know why I bothered to mention that other stuff, the existance of KRYCEK should be enough to convince you people. Go watch it!

Comment to this entry and I will pick three of your fandoms. You must then update your journal and answer the following questions:

I was given American Gothic, Carnivale and X-Men.

1. What got you into this fandom in the first place?
American Gothic: I got some gift vouchers at work and it was on sale in HMV for a ridiculously low price. I initially confused it with Twin Peaks, resulting in some very weird looks on the way home when I was happily babbling about wee evil dudes in cowboy boots and a friend saying (in a highly offended tone) "Gary Cole isn't wee!" Anyway, I decided to give it a whirl anyway as I love shows about spooky happenings in small towns and it seemed like a win. So I put it on and it's like, HO DUDES THERE IS THIS TOTALLY EVIL SHERIFF DUDE! AND OH MY GOD THERE'S THIS WEE BLONDE DOCTOR WHO'S TOTALLY SNARKY! AND THEY'RE LIKE ENEMIES BUT SECRETLY THEY'RE A BIT GAY FOR EACH OTHER! Also, Caleb was lovely and sympathetic and not at all annoying like most kids on TV, so that was win. But yeah, at first it was the whole Lucas/Doctor Matt thing.
Carnivale: The first season was a present on my birthday - I took it home, watched the first three episodes and was right there the next day getting season two. I loved the opening sequence, I loved Sampson's monologue at the start of episode one, I loved how bleak the whole look and feel of the show was. I also really liked how you couldn't tell which Avatar was the Avatar of Light and which one was the Avatar of Darkness for like... pretty much until the first half of season two, really, although apparently that wasn't intentional. I loved that all the characters had their parts to play - there wasn't anyone there who felt superfluous. I loved Rita Sue because she was tough and smart and kind of a bitch with it. I loved Ben because he was so damaged and so completely without social skills. I loved that you had to think your way through each episode instead of being spoonfed everything.
X-Men: Like most 80s children, my first exposure to it was the cartoon that used to air on Fox Kids. Of course, in my case they seemed to endlessly repeat the Dark Phoenix Saga, which lead me to a) assume that the stories were always about Jean and Scott and b) to really hate Jean and Scott. I did, however, develop a kind of pre-pubescent crush/hero worship thing with Storm and Rogue. I desperately wanted Rogue's hair and beautiful Southern accent, along with Storm's poise and self-assurance and, of course, absolutely kick-ass powers. The first X-Men movie, while a lot of fun and containing plenty of Hugh Jackman in leather - surely the best kind of Hugh Jackman - didn't really bring my adolescent self back into the fold. I was a little busy with Pokemon by then. But then X-Men: Evolution came out and I fell in love. Kurt was so adorable and Pietro was so hilarious and, God, even Scott was semi-likable.

2. Do you think you will stay in this fandom or eventually move on?
American Gothic: It went off the air in like, '96, and it only ran for a single season, so there isn't much of a fandom to speak of. However, if anyone ever wants to squeal with me about how awesome it was, I am more than happy to oblige.
Carnivale: Again, there's not a whole lot in the way of fandom - I do think it's another one of those shows that I'll rewatch over and over and have minor gleefits about, and again, you are all welcome to join me.
X-Men: With Evo having ended a few years ago, that part of the fandom is pretty much dead. I will always love Hugh Jackman in leather, and I do like the Ultimate X-Men comics, but I would say I already have.

3. What are your favorite episodes/books/movies/etc?
American Gothic: To Hell and Back, the Beast Within and the Plague Sower. To Hell and Back is, for all it's ostensibly about Doctor Matt and his wife and daughter, completely gay. The Beast Within is hilarious - I love how totally mean Lucas is about Archie and the prospect of soldiers in the psych ward getting blown up. The others are all like, we have to save Archie! and Lucas is all, "I don't care about that Jarhead!" And then Gail is all, wahh, hundreds of people will die, and Lucas is like, "Yeah, hundreds of crazy people," and it's so mean and heartless and wonderful. I love when Ben refers to his kid's stepfather "the Bionic Man." I love the way Caleb says "I hate you" with such venom in his voice. I love that Doctor Matt punches Lucas and Lucas responds by decking him. Plague Sower is lovely because it showcases what a great kid Caleb is, and the empathy and mercy he feels for the people around him, and the importance he places on love. I liked that it was part of a darker character arc for Merlyn, and I like that Doctor Matt's version of "going mental" mostly involves highlighting everything.
Carnivale: Babylon, because it was fucking terrifying. Over the course of the episode there's this mounting sense of dread that rises to a point where it's almost unbearable - the sense of impending doom is so vivid, it's almost a seperate character in itself. Then there's the scene at the very end, where Sampson sees Dora Mae standing in the window of the bar, and he makes this face that's somewhere between a sob and gagging as if he's about to throw up, and the full horror of it crashes down on you as the credits roll.
X-Men: Survival of the Fittest, purely for that bit where Avalanche and Scott get into it and Lance pushes Scott into the river and Jean's all, "Scott is far too mature to sink to that level" and then Scott (off-camera) fully eye-beams Lance into the water. Joyride, for that scene at the end where Bobby's all, "Yeah, we stole loads of things - the X-Jet, the X-Coptor, Wolverine's motorcycle..." and Wolverine's all like, "My motercycle?!" and Bobby's like, "Ummm bye!" The Hex Factor, for Pietro's girly "Wanda!" scream and for the X-Men getting totally curb-stomped during the battle in the mall. No Good Deed for the random old dude who glomps Todd.

4. Do you participate in this fandom (fan fiction, graphics, discussion, etc.)?
American Gothic: Again, there's not really much by way of fandom, though if it comes up I am right there with the squeeing and the hand-clapping. I am a shockingly bad writer, so a lack of fanfiction from me can only be seen as a good thing.
Carnivale: Again, not much in the way of fandom, although I have read a couple of astoundingly good fics involving Ben'spower and the circumstances that have him shackled in a chain gang before the start of the series.
X-Men: Aside from a little Evo-squealing and leather Jackman appreciation? Not really.

5. Do you think that people should get into this fandom?
American Gothic: YES! You should all watch it and be amazed at it's beautifulness and write lots and lots of fic for me to read.
Carnivale: Oh God yes! Not even for selfish reasons this time, do it for yourselves. Carnivale's a masterpiece. You won't be sorry.
X-Men: I'm certainly not adverse to a little post-X2 Wolverine/Scott porn, or some Logan/Victor action set around the time of the Wolverine movie. If we're talking Evo, let's have some Lance/Pietro and Scott/Kurt action.

Urgh, dudes. Do not watch Hairspray right after you watched the final episode of the Wire "because you needed cheering up." All it does is make you really cranky and cynical about the fate of everyone in Hairspray. Like at the end, when Seaweed and Penny are singing about being together and how OMG RACIAL INEQUALITY IN BALTIMORE IZ DED YAY! and I'm like WHATEVER SUCKERS, hope Penny has a backup plan for when Seaweed is MOWED DOWN BY WARRING DRUG GANGS! And that's the best-case scenario, because at least in that one he doesn't end up a fiend or a hopper. And as for you Tracy, whatever validation you think you got from snagging Link is going to BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE when you catch him with Scott Summers' cock in his mouth. In fact, I HATE YOU ALL, STOP BEING SO HAPPY YOU SELF DELUDING LITTLE BASTARDS!

Argh. Going to watch Heathers. I HOPE YOU ALL EXPLODE HAPPY BALTIMORE!

God, there are some right divs at the House of Gas. The fire alarm went off today and, I kid you not, our fire warden stood there in the middle of the corridor, blocking the way, bleating about whether or not we knew where the assembly point for our call centre was in the event of a fire. I was like, "Hmm, is it perchance outside of the burning building?" How do these people make it to adulthood? Fuckwad.

Anyway, some important points to note:

• The Wolverine movie is beautiful. It's a bit soap-opera-ish with the evil long lost brother thing and of course it has Gambit in (boo!) but really, this is about Hugh Jackman wearing leather and lots of hairspray, and a flimsy excuse for a plot strung together wuth awesomely choreographed fight scenes.
  
  
• Hairspray has a bit wrecked the earlier X-Men movies for me. Well, not X3, that one came pre-wrecked. But now I cannot look at Cyclops without seeing Corny Collins and wanting him to dance and sing and be massively inappropriate on a daytime kids TV show. And then I feel sad when it doesn't happen.
  
  
• If the Wolverine movie is beautiful, then Coraline is even more beautiful. I cannot describe the wonder. Go watch!
  
  
• I love the movie version of Interview with the Vampire. I sometimes forget how much I love it because I'm a bit shallow and there's nobody I really think is hot in there,* and also nowadays it's a bit tainted from the combined batshittery of Tom Cruise and Anne Rice, but I was watching it on Sunday and as soon as I heard those first few bars in the opening sequence, all my love for it came rushing back.
  
  
• The first half of the fourth season of Supernatural is semi-awesome. That's not the same as being full-on good, by the way. It's like, a bit good. There's a lifesized walking, talking, suicidal teddy bear (awesome), a stubbly angel who's a bit gay for Dean (awesome), an episode which is basically Supernatural does the Universal Studios Monster Mash (awesome to the power of a sideways eight thing) and BUNNY! Unfortunately, there's also creepy Padaleckisex, the stubbly angel isn't as stubbly or as overtly gay for Dean as I feel he could be, and Bunny is really mean. To like, everyone. Oh Bunny, how have we come to this? Also, there were these totally mean witches who tried to ruin Halloween for everyone. Boo, mean witches! You're lucky it was only Sam and Dean that showed up to punish you with guns. If Jack Skellington had been there, then you'd be sorry.
  
  
• I had better have pig flu! I feel like shit and the only thing keeping me from curling up and dying in misery is the thought that I am actively spreading a contagion that will wipe out billions of humans. If this turns out just to be a bad cold, I will be pissed.
  
  
• The Assassination of Jesse James is soooooooo booooring. Casey Affleck may be mildly less hideous than his sibling, but they are both gaping voids in the fabric of the universe, into which any semblence of talent or charisma is dragged, screaming, into the darkness, ne'er to return. Also, it is so badly directed, they have to have some random narrate what's going on in every scene.

Anyway, I think that's all the important life lessons I learnt this week - I trust you will all take them on board and be enriched by my wisdom. I'm going to watch the Wire and bemoan Bunny's fall from grace. Oh Bunny!

*Okay, it has Christian Slater, but he's in it for like ten minutes, and althoughg Antonio Banderas is normally hot, let's face it, white base and a Morticia Addams wig are not a good look for him.

Notes From This Weekend:

• Cadillac Records is fucking awesome. Also, Beyonce is totally not-fail as an actress. I wasn't even a little bit embarrassed for her at any point. Well done, Beyonce.
  
• Push is okay. It has Papa Midnite as the main baddie, and he's cool, but the main dude is like the love child of Dean Winchester and that dude who plays Dracula in Blade: Trinity. Not as hot as it sounds, guys. Also, the cast list was all, NOW WITH ADDED TOM BALDWIN! and then I watched it and Tom Baldwin was in it for like ten seconds before he died. Not cool, Push. We do not go around killing beautiful earnest Tom Baldwin.
  
• Zachary Quinto was put on this earth to torment me. They showed the trailer of the new Star Trek movie and I swear, it's like God is sitting there going, "Hey Froodle, here's a really seriously fucking hot guy for you to stare at, but the catch is, every time you see him on-screen, he's going to be playing a character that you want to kick in the nuts." Why, Zachary Quinto? Why?!
  
• There is a new Fast and Furious movie. Paul Walker was being failsome and excessively American as usual. Vin Diesel was being retardatical as usual. It was all very disgraceful.
  
• CORALINE WHY ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?
  
• Likewise, WOLVERINE MOVIE WHY ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?
  
• Mohinder, you fail at science so much. I am completely filled with distain for you. SCIENTISTS! PLEASE DO NOT INJECT YOURSELF WITH UNTESTED SHITTERY! IT NEVER ENDS WELL!
  
• I really hate Woody Allen. Honestly, I want to kick him in the nuts so badly, Zachary Quinto will probably end up playing him in the biopic. Cassandra Dreams is fucktarded beyond belief. How anyone can take Colin Farrell and Ewan McGregor and turn it into a bloated, self-important, mind-numbingly dull wankfest is beyond me.
  
• Profit is beautiful. Oh Profit. You are my only friend.
  
• The fact that there is yet another Underworld movie makes me hate God.

On a totally unrelated note, the House of Gas has arranged an hour and a half lecture on the Golden Ratio and Fibonacci sequences. At work. For the workers. Except that if you're scheduled to be on the 'phones, you don't get to go, which begs the question, who the fuck is expecting a bunch of phone-monkeys to give up their free time to go to a lecture, at work, on advanced mathematical concepts? Are we going to be fighting crime with them? Will the FBI and adorkable curly-headed mathematicians be involved? No? Fuck off then. I'm just so confused by the rational behind it - most of our retardo customers can't add VAT to a fuel bill without having a meltdown - is this something King Gas thinks is going to be useful in our day to day lives? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

I love Tony Dracon. I can't help it; I think it's the eyebrows. Logically I know he's nowhere near the danger-levels posed by Demona or Macbeth or Xanatos; hell, he's not even the equivilent of the Pack or Puck in a snit. But I love him. He's not immortal or super-rich or cybernetically enhanced or any kind of mythical creature; he's just your average, run-of-the-mill crime boss. And something about him makes me smile every time he shows up, even though Deadly Force is quite possibly the worst episode out of the entire three series, including the unbelievably dire Goliath Chronicals, and even though all he ever really manages to do is annoy Elisa. And he has nice hair, in a show where everyone else has mullets or dodgy beards or those weird little ear-tufts that make me think of Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho or is totally bald.

Of course, nobody can compete with Demona for my affections, except possibly Mystique, on account of my weakness towards blue-skinned red-haired villianesses with skimpy white outfits. And as much as I like Eliza, there comes a point where, like Buffy and Duncan McLeod, she's going to have to learn that dating an older man usually means dealing with at least one of his psychotic exes.

Augh! Why is the Candyman in Smallville? Why?! Didn't I suffer enough insect-related trauma in that episode with the kid that gets bitten by Kryptobugs? (Also, no need for his mother's dessicated corpse! I swear that image will haunt me until something else creepy comes along and pushes it aside) And poor sad Lex at the end of Jitters - watching the Kents with that expression on his face like he was the saddest little future evil genius in the world. *sniff*

In other news, I have been watching the second season of Nip/Tuck, and my God, what is it with people and trying to cut up Christian's pretty face? Seriously, that bloke in the terrifying creepy doll mask is like the third, fourth person to try and fuck Christian's face up. Go pick on Sean, damn it! Or Julia. Actually, pick Julia. She annoys me so much. Stop whinging and blaming everyone else for your problems and go do something worthwhile with your life, bitch! Not to mention, that mask has frightened me half to death and now I don't dare have a bath until tomorrow when it's daylight in case the Carver gets me. I am Wuss, see me cower.

Also I have a mark on my head from slamming it into the coffee table when Julie was telling Ava that she could rise from the ashes of her despair "like a Phoenix". You just know whoever wrote that line thought they were being so fucking awesome. "Hahahaaa, it's funny because she's Famke Janssen and she played Jean Grey!" Jackass.

And finally, Deadwood. Am I completely missing something here? I get the impression we're supposed to think Bullock is this incredibly noble stand-up guy, when really he mostly comes across as a santimonius prick. Star, on the other hand, genuinely does come across as a nice guy. Bullock? Is a twat.