...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Whelp, I have food poisoning. At least, I hope it's food poisoning and not a stomach virus, because El Snithador is visiting this weekend and I feel Downeyfest will be somewhat lacking if I am lying on the sofa bemoaning my state of unwellness the whole time, and food poisoning usually passes in 48 hours whereas a stomach virus will kick my ass for much longer. Although at least if she does carry out her threat to subject me to the hideous evil that is Zac Efron, I'm already puking and wanting to die, so it will not hurt me as much as it would otherwise.

Anyway, I'm off work, I'm bored, I'm exhausted, I'm cranky and I'm in that place where you're starving but the texture of food in your mouth makes you want to start hurling again, ao to cheer myself up, I thought I would look at some pictures of Jordan and his beard of wonder. And then, because I am so generous of nature, I thought I should come on here and share them with you. And then I thought, "Why stop at Jordanbeard? This is the perfect opportunity to win people over to the cause of the 4400, and possibly trick them into writing porn for you as a get-well gift."

And so, without further ado, I present to you:

The 4400: A Brief Introduction

This is TOM BALDWIN. A long time ago he was a super-badass FBI dude. He was so badass that when his FBI boss took a job at NTAC, he insisted on bringing Tom with him. Then his son KYLE and his nephew SHAWN went to a beach to drink some BEERS. Shawn vanished, Kyle fell into a COMA and Tom took an extended leave of absense to try and solve the TERRIBLE TRAGEDY that had BEFALLEN HIS FAMILY. Tom is very EARNEST and BEAUTIFUL while being MANLY and FORCEFUL at the same time. We love Tom.

This is DIANA SKOURIS. She is TOM'S PARTNER AT NTAC. She likes SCIENCE. She's pretty COOL but she doesn't have a BEARD, so I won't talk about her much.

This is MARCO. He lives in the basement at NTAC. Nobody on the show seems to have a problem with this. He and two randoms that I can't be bothered to find the names of are Tom and Diana's version of the LONE GUNMEN. Marco is in love with DIANA. Unfortunately he looks like a thirteen year old emo kid, so Diana cannot be with him without feeling like a CHILD MOLESTER. That wouldn't bother me, but Diana is a lady of PRINCIPLE so unfortunately their LOVE is DOOMED at least until MARCO hits PUBERTY. Poor MARCO.

This is SHAWN. He is TOM's nephew and one of the 4400. He went missing THREE YEARS AGO and suddenly reappears in a GIANT BALL OF LIGHT. He can HEAL THINGS WITH HIS HANDS. He can also KILL YOUR BITCHASS DEAD if he wants, but he hardly ever does. In the second season, he becomes Jordan's NUMBER ONE BOY WENCH, but after Jordan DUMPS HIM FOR KYLE he becomes very BITTER and ANGRY.

I cannot blame him, as Kyle is FUCKING UGLY and Shawn is BEAUTIFUL.

This is JORDAN. He is BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS. He has a MAGNIFICENT BEARD and may or may not be JEBUS CHRIST. When he is not SAVING MANKIND, he enjoys BREAKING UP MARRIAGES, SEDUCING UNDERAGE BOYS, conquering SEATTLE and BANGING SKANKY ACTRESS HOS. At the end of the series, TOM tries to encourage him to get back together with SHAWN. I thought that was sweet, until I realised he's probably just trying to get Jordan away from KYLE.

This is ISABELLE. She is FUCKING CRAZY and the HARBINGER of the APOCALYPSE. She was engaged to SHAWN, but he broke it off when JORDAN came BACK FROM THE DEAD. She was VERY CROSS and put him in a COMA. Then she took up with KYLE. That was pretty trashy on BOTH THEIR PARTS, I feel.

This is KYLE. He is FUCKING UGLY. Nobody cares about him.

This is TESS. She is MADE FROM CRAZY. Also she can KILL YOU WITH HER BRAIN. It's nice to see Summer Glau apply herself to such a wide and stretching variety of roles.

This is KEVIN. He is WONDERFUL. He is a CRANKY SCIENTIST. He likes SUNFLOWER SEEDS and DOING ILL-ADVISED EXPERIMENTS on himself and others. He is also the only one who really sees how full of crap JORDAN is. JORDAN gets very cross about this, but he can't do anything because Kevin has SUPER HEALING POWERS. Also he is FAR TOO AWESOME AT SCIENCE to be easily replaced.

This is MAJOR LORNE. For some reason he calls himself JED GARRITY in this show, but that is probably because he is a SPY or SOMETHING ELSE COOL. He doesn't really serve any purpose on this list, I just added him because I thought this picture was PRETTY.

Urgh. I just got back from seeing How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, and oh my God, it was fucking awful. I swear, I actually have terminal cancer as a result of sitting through that crap. What was even worse was that they kept on jibbering about La Dolce Vita and reminding me of Meghan from the 4400, and then all I could think of was how much better my night would be if I was in fact watching the 4400 instead of this utter tripe. Or even if they just randomly start importing characters from the 4400 into the movie until eventually they took over and it became 4400: the Movie. Like, first Kevin would appear and be caustic and cutting on a level Simon Pegg's fucking retarded character could only dream of, and make everyone cry like little bitches. Then Rivertess would cross over and start ordering people to kill themselves. Shawn would try to heal them, but Jordan would convince him that they deserve to die for the shame they have brought upon the world. Diana and Tom would stand in the background looking earnest and torn. Finally, the movie ends with Jordan and his magnificent beard gloriously rendered on the big screen. FIN!

Anyway, my hot chocolate is now ready, so I'm going to go drink it and watch 4400 and allow the Jordanbeard to console my grief at having wasted a perfectly servicable evening. Oh Jordanbeard. You are like a comfort blanket made from pure manipulative beautifulness.

Still watching Firefly.

You know, I was all set to hate River. I mean, first of all she's played by Summer Glau, and while I have nothing against her generally, she was in that really stupid episode of Angel with the ballet and the lovetriangle of Extreme Dullness, and is thus tainted by association. Secondly, as I believe I've already mentioned, we already Did the whole crazy-but-super-smart-girl thing with Fred, and I'm not even going to start about how much I hate Fred because I'll be here all night.

So, guess who cried like a bitch during "Safe" and "Ariel"?

Yeah, that would be me.

I was welling up during the scene in Safe where she comes across the villagers dancing and joins in. She's twirling and smiling and she looks so graceful and happy, and Simon's watching her, and it's really the first time you get a glimpse of what she must have been like before the Academy, and what Simon must see every time he looks at her. And then later on at the settlement, during the conversation where she tells Simon "You gave up everything you had to find me, and you found me broken. You think I don't understand, but I do," and insists that she'll get better, my heart was breaking for both of them. And finally, the scene where the hillfolk are going to burn her at the stake, and Simon climbs up onto the pyre, puts his arms around her and says "Light it", I actually started to cry.

Watching Simon inject her at the start of Ariel was fairly heart-rending, but worse was the scene inside the imaging suite, where Simon finally discovers what was done to her in the Academy, and his voice sounds like it's about to crack as he describes it to Jayne. Also that last scene where he asks her if she knows what the injection is for, and she says it's time to go to sleep, and he says "No, Mei-Mei. It's time to wake up" and she gives him this wan smile, and I burst into tears.

I'm such a damn wuss.

Comedic moments included Mal's defeat of the utterly detestable Averton Wing ("Mercy is the mark of a great man. *stab* I guess I'm just a good man. *stab* Well, I'm alright."); Jayne mock-reading Simon's diary ("Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. *turns page* Today we were kidnapped by hillfolk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever!") and Badger's impromptu tea party ("The secret is wood alcohol."). Also, was I the only one suprised that Jayne would know a word like "pretentious"? I'm just sayin'.

Also, Mal totally didn't know that Jayne tipped off the Feds on Ariel. He was just mad because Simon was making puppy-dog eyes at someone who wasn't him. Because seriously, Simon was about three seconds away from jumping Jayne right there in the cargo bay. "He was amazing, I can't even begin to tell you..." Bless. I really wanted him to give Simon a tattoo. Or at least draw a moustache on him or something.

Jaynestown is the absolute highlight of the series. The Ballad of Jayne, Simon's drunken ramblings ("To Jayne, the box-dropping man-ape-gone-wrong thing!") and... okay actually, just any scene involving Simon or Jayne. They're adorable all the way through that episode. "I mighta made me a few enemies..."/"You? No! How can that be?!" Heh.

Am begining to think that Mutant Enemy has some kind of deal going on where they collect the villians that Keifer has already defeated on 24. So far, I've spotted one creepy blue-gloved bloke, one Mudder who gets shot in the chest and one corpse-hunting leather coat-wearing guy who gets his jollies by setting people on fire. Not that I'm judging because hey, who doesn't?

And finally, can we have a big "No Need!" for the thingie that makes peoples brains explode through their eyes and nostrils? Because seriously, Ew. That was actually more frightening than the Reavers, and they unnerved me to the point where I had to have the hall light on for a couple of nights. *shivers*