(no subject)

[froodle]

Whelp, I have food poisoning. At least, I hope it's food poisoning and not a stomach virus, because El Snithador is visiting this weekend and I feel Downeyfest will be somewhat lacking if I am lying on the sofa bemoaning my state of unwellness the whole time, and food poisoning usually passes in 48 hours whereas a stomach virus will kick my ass for much longer. Although at least if she does carry out her threat to subject me to the hideous evil that is Zac Efron, I'm already puking and wanting to die, so it will not hurt me as much as it would otherwise.

Anyway, I'm off work, I'm bored, I'm exhausted, I'm cranky and I'm in that place where you're starving but the texture of food in your mouth makes you want to start hurling again, ao to cheer myself up, I thought I would look at some pictures of Jordan and his beard of wonder. And then, because I am so generous of nature, I thought I should come on here and share them with you. And then I thought, "Why stop at Jordanbeard? This is the perfect opportunity to win people over to the cause of the 4400, and possibly trick them into writing porn for you as a get-well gift."

And so, without further ado, I present to you:

The 4400: A Brief Introduction

This is TOM BALDWIN. A long time ago he was a super-badass FBI dude. He was so badass that when his FBI boss took a job at NTAC, he insisted on bringing Tom with him. Then his son KYLE and his nephew SHAWN went to a beach to drink some BEERS. Shawn vanished, Kyle fell into a COMA and Tom took an extended leave of absense to try and solve the TERRIBLE TRAGEDY that had BEFALLEN HIS FAMILY. Tom is very EARNEST and BEAUTIFUL while being MANLY and FORCEFUL at the same time. We love Tom.

This is DIANA SKOURIS. She is TOM'S PARTNER AT NTAC. She likes SCIENCE. She's pretty COOL but she doesn't have a BEARD, so I won't talk about her much.

This is MARCO. He lives in the basement at NTAC. Nobody on the show seems to have a problem with this. He and two randoms that I can't be bothered to find the names of are Tom and Diana's version of the LONE GUNMEN. Marco is in love with DIANA. Unfortunately he looks like a thirteen year old emo kid, so Diana cannot be with him without feeling like a CHILD MOLESTER. That wouldn't bother me, but Diana is a lady of PRINCIPLE so unfortunately their LOVE is DOOMED at least until MARCO hits PUBERTY. Poor MARCO.

This is SHAWN. He is TOM's nephew and one of the 4400. He went missing THREE YEARS AGO and suddenly reappears in a GIANT BALL OF LIGHT. He can HEAL THINGS WITH HIS HANDS. He can also KILL YOUR BITCHASS DEAD if he wants, but he hardly ever does. In the second season, he becomes Jordan's NUMBER ONE BOY WENCH, but after Jordan DUMPS HIM FOR KYLE he becomes very BITTER and ANGRY.

I cannot blame him, as Kyle is FUCKING UGLY and Shawn is BEAUTIFUL.

This is JORDAN. He is BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS. He has a MAGNIFICENT BEARD and may or may not be JEBUS CHRIST. When he is not SAVING MANKIND, he enjoys BREAKING UP MARRIAGES, SEDUCING UNDERAGE BOYS, conquering SEATTLE and BANGING SKANKY ACTRESS HOS. At the end of the series, TOM tries to encourage him to get back together with SHAWN. I thought that was sweet, until I realised he's probably just trying to get Jordan away from KYLE.

This is ISABELLE. She is FUCKING CRAZY and the HARBINGER of the APOCALYPSE. She was engaged to SHAWN, but he broke it off when JORDAN came BACK FROM THE DEAD. She was VERY CROSS and put him in a COMA. Then she took up with KYLE. That was pretty trashy on BOTH THEIR PARTS, I feel.

This is KYLE. He is FUCKING UGLY. Nobody cares about him.

This is TESS. She is MADE FROM CRAZY. Also she can KILL YOU WITH HER BRAIN. It's nice to see Summer Glau apply herself to such a wide and stretching variety of roles.

This is KEVIN. He is WONDERFUL. He is a CRANKY SCIENTIST. He likes SUNFLOWER SEEDS and DOING ILL-ADVISED EXPERIMENTS on himself and others. He is also the only one who really sees how full of crap JORDAN is. JORDAN gets very cross about this, but he can't do anything because Kevin has SUPER HEALING POWERS. Also he is FAR TOO AWESOME AT SCIENCE to be easily replaced.

This is MAJOR LORNE. For some reason he calls himself JED GARRITY in this show, but that is probably because he is a SPY or SOMETHING ELSE COOL. He doesn't really serve any purpose on this list, I just added him because I thought this picture was PRETTY.

Comments

[incandescens]

Ack. Much sympathy. Get well soon.

[froodle]

Thanks for the good thoughts!

[nerdcakes.livejournal.com]

This introduction is ASTONISHING. People are constantly talking about the 4400 and yet I had NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER until you pointed out that it had trashy harbingers of the apocalypse and LADIES OF PRINCIPLE and cranky scientists! Suddenly it's like I've been missing out!

[froodle]

People underestimate the PERSUADING POWER of MASSIVELY MISUSED CAPITALIZATION coupled with PRETTY PICTURES. Now you too can partake in the PURE JOY that is Jordan- I mean, the 4400. Then you can WRITE PORN to THANK ME for freeing you from your SHACKLES OF FANDOM IGNORANCE.

[scheherezhad]

Y hallo thar, Major Lorne. :D That is, indeed, a pretty picture.

My sympathy on your stomach woes. I have no time to write porn at the moment, but could I interest you in some ridiculously hot pics of Kavan Smith?

[froodle]

I waqs trying to find a picture of the two Lornes, JUST FOR YOU, but I couldn't and there were so many pictures of Jordan that my eyes started to burn out due to his beauty so I had to go away. And Dress Uniform!Major Lorne is a thing of EXTREME WIBBLE-INDUCING HOTNESS!

[scheherezhad]

So my first thought was "ooh, I need Lorne/Zelenka dress blues!porn." Then I thought, "wait, it's Atlantis. I could have Lorne/Lorne/Zelenka dress blues!clone!porn. o.o"

[froodle]

But then the rest of the Atlantis expedition would get snotty with Zelenka for keeping not one, but TWO Major Lornes all to himself. And because he;s Zelenka, he'd feel compelled to help humanity in the most meaningful way possible, by creating DOZENS OF LORNES so that everyone can share in the Lorne-in-dress-blues goodness. A Major Lorne in every home by 2020! It will be heaven on Earth!

In fact, GASP! Jordan's quest in the last season of the 4400 was to create a utopia on earth, at which point the face of God would be revealed - THIS IS WHAT THE PROPHECY MEANT! The face of Kavan Smith is the Face of God. How could be have missed this?

[scheherezhad]

Of course! It all makes sense now!

I think this should mean we get into Heaven first, for having been the first ones to realize the true visage of the Lord.

[froodle]

I think Zelenka probably gets first dibs, what with being the one who created the Kavan Klones and all. But we definately deserve, like, a penthouse suite or something. And a bgi screen TV. It's not Heaven if I can't have a big screen TV.

[scheherezhad]

I feel like I should be out hunting for the face of Kavan in tortillas or potato chips or tree bark, now. Or creating a sculpt for dashboard Kavans. Or painting a solemn Kavan whose patient, loving gaze will follow you around the room. 8D

[dissident-dream.livejournal.com]

You're ill? and you couldn't have told me that!?

I sympathise and hope you are better by tomorrow evening, because err I dont want to get it!

Oh and You are definitely getting the zefron treatment now... it will make you feel better, honest

[froodle]

I only got sick in the early hours of the morning, smellface! It's not like I could have texted you a week ago and said "Oh by the way, I'm going to be struck down by the BLACK DEATH at 3.11am on Thursday 27 Nov, so remember to update your calendar." Not that they have calendars in Cornwall or Essex or wherever it is you are from.

If you make me watch Zefron, I will be sick on you. I swear to God. Or I'll make you watch... I dunno, something you'll hate. Though with your hatred of fun, that could be anything good.

[borggrrl.livejournal.com]

I found my way here through your most recent post in customerssuck. I just wanted to get that explanation out of the way first so you weren't wondering how the crazy chick ended up commenting in your journal. Now that that's over with...

Let me get this straight. 4400 not only has Summer bullet-in-the-brainpan-squish Glau on it, but Jeffrey Freaking Combs too?! *logs in to her Netflix account and adds 4400 to her queue* (It was really that sweet beard of Jordan's that pushed me over the edge.)

Do you mind if I add you and your amusingly entertaining posts to my friends list?

[froodle]

Well, you clearly appreciate the WONDER of Jeffrey Combs and the Jordanbeard, so how could I say no?