...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Okay, one, I just watched American Outlaws, and it was BEAUTIFUL and an EXACT EXAMPLE of what all films about the Wild West should be, ie it should consist entirely of Colin Farrel being wet and shirtless and FOOLISHLY BRAVE and saying that various lady friends of his friends have moustaches EVEN THOUGH quite clearly they don't.

Secondly, dudes, I have been totally remiss in not talking more about my love for Once a Thief, for it is lovely and you should all watch it. I'm talking about the cheesy rip-off TV series, not the serious boring John Woo movie that doesn't even have Krycek in it, obviously.

If you've never heard of Once a Thief, there is quite a good overview of it here. It's this utterly marvellous show about these two ex-thieves, Li Ann and Mac, and an ex-cop who was UNJUSTLY FRAMED for some crime he didn't do - except that it's Krycek so probably he did do it really, just in a different way than everyone thinks, and then lied about it, because THAT IS HOW HE ROLLS - who work for a SHADOWY GOVERNMENT AGENCY (that you never learn the name of, and which is repeatedly referred to by all the characters as "a shadowy government agency") under the guidence of Jennifer Dale, aka MYSTIQUE, as the Director. Everything is about a hundred times better with Mystique. It also features a Valley Girl-cum-Mob Boss (no, really) and the two most awesomely marvellous assassins in the entire known universe, and it is SO GOOD YOU GUYS, oh my God.

Reasons you should watch it:

• Murphy and Camier, the Cleaners, get called in to provide backup on a case when Mac, Krycek and Jackie (the Valley Girl-cum-Mob Boss who gets recruited into the Agency later in the series, dudes I totally gave that away, sorry) are kidnapped by some evils. After the evils are defeated, the Cleaners are going to execute them, but Jennifer Dale stops them. The Cleaners get really het up about this and mention filing a grievance through their union because Jennifer Dale brought them there under false pretenses and didn't let them kill some dudes.
  
  
• When Mac gets married, Krycek offers to throw him a bachelor party, except Mac doesn't have any friends so Krycek brings in a random bunch of Japanese tourists, the Cleaners and a scientist that he interviewed from a case he was working on to fill out the numbers. No, really.
  
  
• One episode starts with Li Ann and Jackie having this knock-down drag-out catfight in the middle of the Agency award ceremony. Mac and Krycek spend the rest of that episode fantasising about various girl-fights and betting on who would win. At the end of the episode, Krycek stupidly bets on Li Ann and Jackie to defeat the Director, despite the fact that Jennifer Dale has never lost a steel cage match.
  
  
• During a brawl in a strip club, Mac is mistaken for a baddie and gets maced by the security dudes. While he's clawing at his eyes and screaming "I'm on your side! I'm one of you!" Krycek laughs evilly and wanders off. Seriously, he just lets him get arrested and everything, it's hilarious.
  
  
• It has KRYCEK! I don't even know why I bothered to mention that other stuff, the existance of KRYCEK should be enough to convince you people. Go watch it!

Okay, first of all? FUCK YOU THE EMMYS! Seriously, fuck you right in your stupid Wire-ignoring faces. HOW COULD YOU VOTE FOR HOUSE OVER THE BUNK?! That shit is just not on. You all suck.

On a totally different note, I have finally figured out what it is that bothers me about... err... Agent-That-Is-Not-Krycek from Once a Thief. Even apart from the fact that he takes up precious camera time with his non-Krycek face, which is in itself a crime, he's also the useless boyfriend from the Opposite of Sex! Oh, you fail, Agent-That-Is-Not-Krycek. No wonder Li Ann told everyone you were dead. I'd be ashamed to be seen in public with you too.

Also, I hate Sean Austin so much I cannot even describe it. He makes my skin crawl with loathing every time I see his stupid face. Urgh. I shall hold him personally responsible for Skeet Ulrich's beard debacle in Into The West.

Christian Kane has no-one but himself to blame those pigtails on, though. Idiot.

Man, how ACTION-PACKED is the second season of Jericho? See Jake fly a plane! See Mister Hawkins kill about eighteen thousand guys with his bare hands! See missiles! See stabbings! See Texas save the world! See The Dave's old boss wear a crazy moustache!

And, don't get me wrong, I love car chases and exciting PLANE WARS as much as anyone, but the first season had these really beautiful quiet moments that were just about like, people being people, and didn't involve X-TREME ACTION TO THE MAXX, and I felt that because they were only given seven episodes to wrap the whole thing up, it was all about Jake and Mister Hawkins beating everyone up and so we didn't get that same feeling of... humanness, I guess... that we did in season one, because it was all RARGH NO THE GOVERNMENT IS EVIL AND OWNED BY CORPORATE AMERICA HODGINS WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG RARGH!

Also, I am calling him Mister Hawkins because every time I go to write Hawkins by itself I keep thinking I mean Ben from Carnivale and then I get really confused - is he healing folks or breaking necks? Actually, Ben would probably break necks if he had to, but then he would have to brood and look pretty for the next two episodes, whereas in Jericho brooding and looking pretty is clearly Jake's role. Mister Hawkins has no time for brooding - he only has time for KICKING TERRORIST ASS!

Also! ( Read more... )

Also! I am very sad that the mysterious John Smith did not in fact turn out to be a school-masterly David Tennant. That would have been awesome - David Tennant and Lennie James in a knock-down drag-out fight over a nuclear warhead would have been So Cool.

So in conclusion: it was cool, but CBS are fucking retards and it should never have been cancelled.

Into the West is alright, but like all other shows about the Wild West that are not Deadwood, it suffers from an excess of not being Deadwood. Also, Skeet Ulrich has a stupid beard and Christian Kane is possibly the worlds least convincing Lakota Indian, and his pigtails are stupid. So, fail. Mr Ellsworth needs to give them both a good talking to if you ask me.

I was going to write something about the Once a Thief TV series here, but I need to go find Jericho porn, so I'll just say Krycek = Pretty and have done with it. He is pretty though.

PS: I guess if somebody wanted to write me Jacob/Jethro porn, I might reconsider my take on Into the West. Lindsey will always be stupid, though.