...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Aww man, Rollo Weeks was in the Little Vampire. Now I really am going to kill myself. Or maybe go back in time and stop him from starring in shitty movies that I watched because I had a crush on various leading actors (Richard E. Grant, you freaks, not that stupid little brat from Jerry Maguire). But then it would be like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer keeps going back in time and changing the course of history in unexpected and disturbing ways, and when I got back to 2006, Scipio would be played by Daniel Radcliffe and Jake Lloyd would be playing Bo, and I'd be like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and Hayden Christensen would cry because everyone gets to say that line except him. You want some ointment for that burn, Hayden Christensen?

In other news, whenever I hear that Darren Hayes song, "Creeping Up On You", it totally reminds me of Pietro and Sp-ke from X-Men: Evolution. I'm not sure when Sp-ke made the transition from "annoying X Tard with lame powers, stupid hair and stupider name" to "stalker", but there you go. Man, I love that show. I wish the WB had released all of it on DVD - I want to see Lance randomly bitchslapping Pietro with an armchair and Pyro watching that video of Magneto bite it over and over while giggling psychotically and that old guy glomping Toad in the subway again. Sigh. I bet it'll be like Gargoyles or EI and it'll get released when I'm like, forty, and I'll be all, "I remember when this first aired" and my many cats will be like, "Whatever. Feed us tuna now plzkthx."

In honour of today being Rollo Weeks' birthday, I decided to celebrate with cake and the Thief Lord movie. And the first twenty minutes of Attila, after which I couldn't take any more of Powers Boothe chowing down on that lovely scenery and went to watch Phantom of the Opera instead. What? It's mask-themed!

Oh, and how much is that "Upper Skies" song the Scipio/Prosper love theme? I don't know who they think they're fooling, trying to make us buy into the Prosper/Hornet thing; methinks Riccio's gaydar is as bad as his teeth.

Man, what is it with Gerard Butler and taking a trip to the shores of Boinky Boinky with Alice Krige's children? Quinn in Reign of Fire, Honoria in Attila - for the love of God, Gerard, don't do it! Do you want the Borg Queen as your Mother-in-Law?! No wonder she hated him in Attila, though - if I knew someone had totally run out on my son right when they were being attacked by a giant dragon, I so wouldn't let them date my daughter a couple of movies afterwards*. The big whore.

In other news, Hex is being a reclusive hobo and refusing to go and see Star Wars, which means I have no-one to laugh about Anakin's whiny-bitchness with and it makes me sad. However, she does make some convincing arguments for the general repulsiveness of people making her avoid the outside world... ( Read more... )

*Yes, I know RoF was made after Attila. And I don't care. Run with it.

Have discovered that Attila is much improved on a second watching. Once you accept the fact that it's rubbish and tune out the Accent of Doom(tm), you can concentrate on the bits that are actually good. Or rather, hilarious.

Reg Rogers as Emperor Valentinian is brilliant. I was killing myself laughing at every scene he was in - the slouch, the dangling arms, that uncomprehending expression whenever anyone tried explaining anything to him; I was in hysterics. That scene where he discovers his sister is planning to depose him with the help of her chamberlain, and he shrieks "Honoria is plotting against me... with her butler?!" made me laugh so hard I actually missed the next few minutes of dialogue. Also, Attila's face when he's introduced to Valentinian is priceless - he glances at him, and then stares at Flavius Aetius with this "You have got to be kidding me" expression.

The scene with Orestes when Attila is trying to build a Roman bath is wonderful:

Orestes: So, apparently Theodosius has dispatched some sooper-sekrit ninja assassins to kill you.
Attila: Why is my bath not ready?
Orestes: Well, we have to transport the marble over 3000 miles...
Attila: I want a bath.
Orestes: Building a heated bath is very tricky.
Attila: You have three days.
Orestes: But...
Attila: Three days.
Orestes: *sigh* Okay. Fine. So, about these assassins...
Attila: OMG I WANT A BATH WHY IS MY BATH NOT BUILT BITCHBITCHWHINEWHINE!
Orestes: *eyetwitch*

And then later:

Orestes: The bath is built.
Attila: Woo!
Orestes: Shall I fetch your million and one wives?
Attila: Yeah, that's coo- oooooooh hey, who's that slavegirl?
Orestes: I don't know. I can find out.
Attila: Yes. And bring her to me. And some pie!
Orestes: And the bath?
Attila: The bath bores me.
Orestes: *eyetwitch*

Other highlights include: Galen jumping up behind Attila and scaring the crap out of him, Attila being unnerved by the flirty charioteer at a royal banquet, Attila being startled by the hot water the first time he uses a Roman bath, Attila looking totally unimpressed by all the Roman officials Valentinian introduces him to, and Attila making Crazy Eyes at anyone who challenges him.

Also, Gerard Butler is shirtless and scantily-clad for much of the film, and has nice hair and manly stubble. Hey, I never claimed to have depth.

Doodeedoo.

Watched Reign of Fire this afternoon - Creedy was actually in it a whole lot more than I thought he was. So that was good. Had completely forgotten the scene where Quinn and Creedy reenact the "I am your father!" scene from Star Wars - Christian Bale doing the Darth Vader breathing had me in stitches, and the general cuteness of them made me squeal so loudly that Thlayli jumped up on the sofa to see what I found so amusing. Of course, he's never actually seen Star Wars, so I suspect much of the humour was lost on him.

Other memorable moments included Crazy Dragonhunter Man and Co. showing up and Creedy declaring that "There's only one thing worse than a dragon: Americans," and Quinn going down to meet them and saying that if anything happens to him, Creedy knows what to do, and Creedy going "Yea- *pause* No, I have no idea."

So yes, Reign of Fire was lovely and much better than I remember it being.

Attila, on the other hand, is awful. I mean, really, really awful. Gerard Butler has this bizarre Scottish-American hybrid accent which makes my teeth itch, and it's all very, very bad. On the plus side, he does have lovely hair and spends a lot of his time in various states of undress, so it wasn't a total loss.

Think I may have to continue with Gerry Butler-themed watchery by watching Timeline and laughing at Paul Walker for a) having exactly the same hairstyle he had in those movies with Vin Diesel and the cars, and b) being a completely useless character whose sole achievement is, and here I quote Brother Wilhelm, "breaking down walls in a stupid American way".

*grumbles*

So last night my keyboard, having been subjected to three years of spillage and splutterings, finally gave up the ghost after I accidently emptied half a pint of boiling water over it. Yes, well, I never claimed to be Real Life Competent. Therefore today, instead of lounging in bed, playing with Thlayli and writing another thousand words of my dissertation, I had to go into town to buy a new one.

Simple, right? And I stopped off at a couple of the second-hand stores near the bus station to buy myself some books to compensate for having to give up my Day of Rest And Wanton Perving. So that wasn't too bad. Especially because I got "Five PEople You Meet in Heaven" for a pound, and Richard Adams' Shardik for 25p. Things could have gone a lot worse, considering.

Except that when I got home, half the keys on my brand new keyboard didn't work. So I had to take it back, get a refund and buy a new one.

At which point, it started to snow.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like snow. Plus I was listening to "Wandering Child" on my trusty CD player, so it kinda fit the mood. But this morning it was warm enough for me to be dreaming about doing Naughty Things with melted chocolate and Gerry Butler's sun-warmed skin, and so I was dressed appropriately. (For the weather, I mean, not for doing Naughty Things with Gerry Butler.) And by this point, I am shivering in my shitty broken boots and my toes are going numb.

So, I go to Starbucks. To get coffee. And obviously since it's above Borders, I have to go and look at the books. And obviously I have to get a couple to read while I drink my coffee and wait for the feeling to return to my fingers.

Yeah.

Stupid Cornelia Funke, why must you rock so hard? I needed that money for Highlander dvds. (TV series with Sexy Duncan and Snarkalicious Methos, obviously, not the shitty movies with Christopher "Frogface McCan'tAct" Lambert and Sean "I Ruin Everything I'm In" Connery).

Also, my Attila and Reign of Fire dvds arrived today.

Yeah, I'm so not working on my dissertation right now.

So today I finally snapped and ordered Attila and Reign of Fire from Amazon. Of course, to get free shipping I had no choice but to add some delicious boyslove manga to my order.

*sigh*

My life is unbearably tragic sometimes.