...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

I AM ALIVE! If you imagined me saying that in the voice of Sarah from Hocus Pocus, you are exactly right, except I am not wearing quite such a cleavage-enhancing outfit at this moment.

Long story short, back in January, I apparently made God super angry with me and as a result he punished me by giving me a new cuntface of a manager and a hideous Bernard Manning/Sloth/Cave Troll hybrid agent in the same week, and then my laptop broke a little bit but I was already really tense and impatient so I Hulksmashed it into a wall and then it was somewhat more than a little bit broken and by then I had become addicted to freebase crack in order to deal with Cuntrag and Bernard so all my spare money went on that rather than getting a new laptop BUT! Now I have a new manager and a team of mostly-humans and so I have cleaned myself up and YAY INTARNETS!

By the way, some of that last paragraph was totally a lie, but unfortunately the bit about a coworker who resembles the lovechild of Bernard Manning, Sloth and the Cave Troll from the first Lord of the Rings movie is factually accurate. I didn't actually become a junkie, but only because I don't know where to get drugs from.

ANYWAY! Oh my God dudes, I just watched the last season of Heroes and it almost half-way did not suck. I estimate that I was not actively annoyed for at least 60% of the time. Also, Sylar would be fine if he just concentrated on being bitchy instead of trying and failing to be a badass killer dude. Adam Monroe completely needs to be some kind of crime-fightin' lawyer guy with an insane hatred of Quantum Leap. I would totally watch that. Maybe he can joined Major Lorne in the world of "Bones crossovers that are not real but totally should be". I think an Adam Monroe/Hodgins snark-off would make the world a million times better.

Hmm, what else... oh, the Vampire Diaries is pretty lame. Stern Hot History Teacher (formerly known as The Guy From Tigerland That Isn't Colin Farrell) is hot and stern, and Damon is fun in a super low-budget version of Angelus kind of way. Everyone else is retarded though.

I have not seen the Lost Boys 3 yet - I bet it is beautiful though. Nobody tell me different, okay? Also, Colin Farrell is going to be a vampire in a Fright Night remake next year and his enemy is going to be Jailbait Checkov from the new Star Trek movie - that does not seem like a fair fight to me. It's like pitting Micheal Jackson against Darth Vader.

That's pretty much it - as you can all see, I didn't go away and develop any kind of life while I was interwebsless. In fact, I pretty much just watched more TV and movies and thought about what kind of TV and movies I would like to see in the future. In case you were wondering, they still mostly involve Daddy Winchester, Colin Farrell, or werewolves. Or some combination thereof.

Oh, except also now I want a show in which Shatner and Tori Spelling fight crime in space, and The Dave is the main villian. Every episode will either end with Shatner waving his fists in the air and yelling "THE DAAAAAAAVEEEEE!" or a close-up shot of The Dave's evilly shifting eyes with an ominous music track playing in the background. I haven't put any werewolves or Daddy Winchesters in there yet. I don't think Daddy Winchester and The Dave would approve of each other. I just feel it in my soul.

Aww man, Rollo Weeks was in the Little Vampire. Now I really am going to kill myself. Or maybe go back in time and stop him from starring in shitty movies that I watched because I had a crush on various leading actors (Richard E. Grant, you freaks, not that stupid little brat from Jerry Maguire). But then it would be like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer keeps going back in time and changing the course of history in unexpected and disturbing ways, and when I got back to 2006, Scipio would be played by Daniel Radcliffe and Jake Lloyd would be playing Bo, and I'd be like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and Hayden Christensen would cry because everyone gets to say that line except him. You want some ointment for that burn, Hayden Christensen?

In other news, whenever I hear that Darren Hayes song, "Creeping Up On You", it totally reminds me of Pietro and Sp-ke from X-Men: Evolution. I'm not sure when Sp-ke made the transition from "annoying X Tard with lame powers, stupid hair and stupider name" to "stalker", but there you go. Man, I love that show. I wish the WB had released all of it on DVD - I want to see Lance randomly bitchslapping Pietro with an armchair and Pyro watching that video of Magneto bite it over and over while giggling psychotically and that old guy glomping Toad in the subway again. Sigh. I bet it'll be like Gargoyles or EI and it'll get released when I'm like, forty, and I'll be all, "I remember when this first aired" and my many cats will be like, "Whatever. Feed us tuna now plzkthx."

It's here, it's here, it's fucking here! Six days after Play emailed me to let me know it had been dispatched, I now hold in my hands the deliciously molesterable Rollo Weeks a copy of the Thief Lord movie. YES! Hot underage boylove is mine in both fullscreen and widescreen formats. Sadly, the deleted scenes failed to include a Scipio/Prosper snogfest, but I don't care, because I know it happened and that's all that matters.

I was wondering how they were going to handle the after-effects of the roundabout, and I gotta say, that thing with using the original actors voices as their child-selves was just retarded. Especially Barbarossa - even leaving aside the fact that that kid looked like the Anti-Christ (and not a cute Anti-Christ like Adam Young or Damien in the first two Omen movies), that voice would have made any sane person run for the hills. But then again, the movie!Esther and Max were fucking psychotic, so it's probably a fair match.

Speaking of Adam Young, Jasper Harris? Bang on the money. If they ever get around to making Good Omens into a film, dear God, let him be cast. He's such a cutie; that whole "You forgot something important; it's under my jumper... it's me!" made me want to hug him and feed him sugar cookies and let him play with William Bullock in the land of Kids Who Are Just Too Damn Cute For My Black Heart To Withstand. They can throw rocks at Jake Lloyd and that stupid kid from the BSG mini-series from where they sit in the ajoining land of Kids I Hate And Should Be Thrown Out Of Airlocks After Being Eaten By A Fucking Annoying Robodog. What the hell was going on with Bo hallucinating about those animals, though? Uh, Prop, I think someone's been slipping your kid brother LSD on the sly...

For some reason, Vanessa Redgrave - who is in the film for like, twenty seconds - is the only cast member named on the back of the case, presumably because it's better than writing "starring that dude who was in the Scarlet Pimpernel and a bunch of Hornblower alumni that you've probably never heard of unless you're a total nerd who whores for Jamie Bamber in breeches". But seriously, what the hell? Why not just write "cast of rising young stars", because I guaran-fucking-tee, we'll be hearing from Rollo Weeks again when I kidnap him for my own depraved purposes and his parents start a campaign to rescue their poor, sweet child from my clutches.

More to come later on meeting John Connolly, the second season of Deadwood, and why Dan Dority needs to marry me like right the hell now.

You know what I don't get? Clothes are a human concept, right? So why is it, as soon as a lady Controllin' Worm takes a human host, she gets the urge to dress up all skanky-like? I mean, they're basically snakes, the best they can do in way of ornamentation is maybe something in a decorative bracelet-thing. They just don't seem like a species for whom clothing presents a great deal of options.

Of course, I suppose if for the first few millenium of your evolution, you were reduced to occupying the bodies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, once you find a species with smooth skin, opposable thumbs and decorative mammaries, you might be in the mood for a little fun with the eyeliner and gold lamé miniskirts*. So, I'll let them off.

Also, they get bonus cool points for having an early Controllin' Worm voiced by James Earl Jones. That's right, Darth Vader was a Controllin' Worm, proving once again that you don't need limbs to kick ass. Rock on, little Controllin' Worm.

In other news, here is a meme I have stolen from imbeiaiel:

( Pick twenty movies you love. Pick a quote from each. Have people guess. )

*This seems equally true of the male Controllin' Worms. On Apophis it was just disturbing, but I'm in favour of it purely on the basis that Skaara rocked that whole look.

Am sitting here with Leonard Cohen on the stereo, sipping from a Darth Vader head filled with hot chocolate, Baileys and whipped cream, stomach filled with a delicious meal of sausage and mash and fresh from a relaxing bath with scenty-good Lush products. Combined with the fact that I spent all day watching the second season of SG1 and making fun of Daniel's hair, Gay Archeologist Hat and general unbelievable rubbishness, (seriously, is there any situation he can't make worse? Jeez, I thought he was a dork in the later seasons, but clearly the Daniel I knew was merely a pale reflection of the vision of True Dorkiness and Bad Hair that is Early!Daniel) am in a rather good mood. Long may it continue!

I have a mug in the shape of Darth Vader's head. I am drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows out of Darth Vader's head. I am officially the coolest person in the universe, ever.

That is all.

Now that my exams are over, I've been trying to come up with a sequel to Of Stuffed Unicorns and Stretchmarks. Unfortunatly, though I have ideas a-plenty, the giant sign in my head that says "Babies = Bad" is stopping any of them from really getting off the ground. So in the grand tradition of flaky New Age-types and Star Wars nerds alike, I decided to try meditation. Let's just say, it was not my best idea ever...

Froodle: *communing with the Force*
Force: Howdy. What can I do you for?
Froodle: Oh Force, I fear I have accidently written myself into a literary cul-de-sac...
Force: You know what you need? To kidnap Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen and force them to have sex at gunpoint.
Froodle: Um...
Force: Oh come on. That would be totally hot.
Froodle: Well, yes, but...
Force: Search your feelings. You know this to be true.
Froodle: ...wait a minute. You're not the Force at all! You're Darth Vader!
Darth Vader: Damn.
Froodle: What are you doing in my head, Darth Vader?
Darth Vader: Nothin'.
Froodle: You've killed my subconscious, haven't you? That's why my story is going all wrong.
Darth Vader: No...
Froodle: Liar.
Darth Vader: Froodle. I am your subconscious.
Froodle: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Darth Vader: *slices off Froodle's hand*
Froodle: Awww, crap. Now how am I going to write?
Darth Vader: Deal with it.
Froodle: Man you suck, Darth Vader.

Stupid Darth Vader.

Doodeedoo.

Watched Reign of Fire this afternoon - Creedy was actually in it a whole lot more than I thought he was. So that was good. Had completely forgotten the scene where Quinn and Creedy reenact the "I am your father!" scene from Star Wars - Christian Bale doing the Darth Vader breathing had me in stitches, and the general cuteness of them made me squeal so loudly that Thlayli jumped up on the sofa to see what I found so amusing. Of course, he's never actually seen Star Wars, so I suspect much of the humour was lost on him.

Other memorable moments included Crazy Dragonhunter Man and Co. showing up and Creedy declaring that "There's only one thing worse than a dragon: Americans," and Quinn going down to meet them and saying that if anything happens to him, Creedy knows what to do, and Creedy going "Yea- *pause* No, I have no idea."

So yes, Reign of Fire was lovely and much better than I remember it being.

Attila, on the other hand, is awful. I mean, really, really awful. Gerard Butler has this bizarre Scottish-American hybrid accent which makes my teeth itch, and it's all very, very bad. On the plus side, he does have lovely hair and spends a lot of his time in various states of undress, so it wasn't a total loss.

Think I may have to continue with Gerry Butler-themed watchery by watching Timeline and laughing at Paul Walker for a) having exactly the same hairstyle he had in those movies with Vin Diesel and the cars, and b) being a completely useless character whose sole achievement is, and here I quote Brother Wilhelm, "breaking down walls in a stupid American way".