...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

So, today I'm sat there watching Miracles (shut up, I am not obsessed with Skeet Ulrich, I have just... developed a slight appreciation for him that I didn't have before) and dudes. Dudes! The guy playing Alva Keel is that crazy government dude who tries to set up Batbale's character in Equilibrium - not the guy played by my least favourite smug fuckwit Taye Diggs, I mean the one who was Father's Voice but then actually it turned out he was the secret king all along! And then I was watching Scream (shut up!) and I got to thinking about who would win in a fight between Batbale and Skeet Ulrich, and okay, in a serial killin' contest, clearly Batbale, but if there really was an Apocalypse, Skeet would be all, fixin' tractors and putting out fires and saving the day using only SALT and JAMES REMAR, and Batbale would be all like, "Le fuck! The economy is destroyed and without my money I actually can't do anything!" and Skeet Ulrich would laugh and kick some radioactive Denver Dust in his face.

Also, Sheriff Constantino is such a beardy fucking retard. He's all like, oh no, George Hearst, you can't have Skeet Ulrich and your other loser son back, because I'm the Secret King of Kansas, and George Hearst is like, I think you should give me Skeet and Reject Son back, and Sheriff Constantino is like, I said no, and I'm like, FUCK YOU SHERIFF CONSTANTINO, IS GEORGE HEARST GONNA HAVE TO CHOP SOME FINGERS?! BECAUSE HE'S DONE IT TO BADDER BADASSES THAN YOU, MY BEARDY FRIEND! And then George Hearst is like, Tank! For you! In your face! and that's no more than he deserves.

Well, because BT are fucking retarded, it looks like I won't be getting the Intarwebs in my (oh so cool) new apartment anytime soon. A curse and embarrasing social diseases upon them all. Fortunately help is at hand in the form of an internet cafe just down the road from my (as previously mentioned, oh so cool) new place, so I will still be around, just not as frequently.

In the meantime, life goes on as usual; work is work (although a certain Annoying Individual has returned after three months of sick leave and you know, you'd think you'd get over hating someone in three months but no, she still does my face in); I have been watching Boomtown (So good! Lacking the homoeroticness of other, more Miami-Vice-esque cop shows but still... so good!) and Band of Brothers (yay for Donnie Wahlberg, who unlike Mark does not look like a victim of Downs Syndrome), rereading the Alex Rider books in preparation for Alex Pettifer's unbelievable hotness, getting into the Corydon books (lots of fun, despite complete over-use of the word "brazen" when it comes to describing the Gorgons) and flailing over the Miami Vice movie posters springing up at bus stops all over Leeds.

Also the Tribe has completely taken over my morning pre-work viewing sessions - nothing like a dose of Lex's super-Kiwi accent to start the day. I've seen the first three series now, and I have the following things to say:

Bray is gayer than a bag of monkeys.
Danni has the most horrendous voice ever.
Jack and Ellie are the cutest on-screen couple in the history of the world.
Luke needs a good feeding.
The Guardian is awesome.
KC is an absolute sweetheart and May is a bitch for giving Pride that rose.
The bloke playing Pride is such a ham.
Amber has the worst breaking-up-with-someone skills ever. Worse than Methos, even.
Ebony is my hero.
Salene is fugly, pathetic and annoying.
Evil!Trudy rocks.

I love that scene where the Guardian decides to raise "the true generation of Zoot" or whatever, and he gets all the preggos into one room and then he's like, "Stupid girls, how could they let this happen?" You go, the Guardian! The destruction of your civilisation is no reason to have unprotected sex, ladies. And then that one girl goes into labour and Luke is all, "Hoorah, you can be present at the birth of the first of Zoot's children!" and the Guardian's all, "Are you mad? I'm leaving." and then he just walks off and Luke is like, "Well, shit."

Anyway, my hour is nearly up so I shall have to love you and leave you. I'll try to be online at some point next week, so you can all stay tuned for the exciting adventures of me. In the meantime, eat all your vegetables, don't pick fights with the Clergy and watch out for ninjas and monkeys when you're walking alone at night.

Continuing with the whole "Vampires Are Cool" theme for this week's TV watchery, I am currently rediscovering the Pure Awesomeness that is Ultraviolet. Philip Quast is Teh Sex anyway, but Philip Quast as a Catholic priest who hunts vampires and fancies Susannah Harker? Words cannot describe the sexiness!

In other news, apparently a TV License official called 'round yesterday; if it wasn't so fucking annoying, it would be pretty hilarious, as he must have called in the evening when I was home, and yet I had no idea there was anyone at the door. Yet this morning, lying forlornly on the welcome mat, is one of those "tried to call" letters. And seriously, these are the lamest scare tactics ever - the note is all, "If you had been caught evading a TV license today, you could have been fined!" Like, oh noes, I totally could have been fined, except that I wasn't, and also good luck getting in here without a search warrent, you cocksucking motherfucker. And that whole, "Your details have been passed on" line would be a lot more effective if the letter hadn't been addressed to "The Occupier". How is that database coming, guys?

All mockery aside, this shit really, really pisses me off. I don't have a TV aerial or a TV card for my PC, so I don't need a license, but I will be damned if I'm going to fill out a form and let some sweaty balding TVL thug poke around my house on the assumption that I'm a liar. I get these letters every month, and I am sick of TVL using government-sanctioned scare tactics to bully people into paying for something most of us would opt out of if we could.

Apparently Mr TVL is going to be calling again "very soon". All I can say is, I really hope he enjoys staring at my front door, as that is as close as any of these wastes of skin will be getting to my flat.

Disrageous!

I have just wasted 90 minutes of my life watching "Lamb", a film about, and I quote, "the burgeoning relationship between a Catholic priest and his young ward within the confines of an all-boys school". And did it have boy-molesting? No it did not!

What is the world coming to when you can have the clergy and young boys in the same film and not have it be about boy-molestin'? I am disgusted by everything in the entire universe, including Liam Neeson, who I conclude has made this film just to piss me off!

Now I'm going to watch Episode 1 and Kinsey. And possibly Les Mis. But that doesn't mean I have forgiven him, oh no! THERE WILL BE A RECKONING!

SCANDALACIOUS!

Why is there no Nicolas/Smike slash out there, ready to display itself in wanton poses at my very feet? I am disgusted with the whole world.

I've also decided to make my own film. It'll be called Space Pope: Defender of the Faith and in it, the Pope will fly around in a Space Helmet fighting Space Sin. The part of the Pope will be played by some old guy for the first few minutes, then, after Space Captain Jack (played by Russel Crowe, or, if he's not available, Stellen Skarsgård) rejuvinates him with the power of Space Magic, James D'Arcy.

Space Pope will also have two sidekicks, one a snarky Italian with long blonde hair, played by Craig Parker, the other a manly stubbled sort, possibly with a Scottish accent, probably played by an unknown. And yes, they will be working for a Sooper Sekrit Vatican Organisation. Unfortunatly, they'll be killed by a jiggly Space Nazi called Piggysaurus approximately ten minutes into the film. Fortunatly, Craig Parker will still show up throughout the film as a Space Ghost to snark at James D'Arcy and generally be smexsome, because unlike Peter Jackson, I am not a cruel Haldir-killing whore.

I'm not sure what happens after that, but I know it involves James D'Arcy and Colin Farrel having le fun du nekkid in the shower. Dominic Monaghan and Paul Bettany shall probably also be involved, although not necessarily all at the same time, and naturally there needs to be a Space Captain Jack versus Knavishly Uncool Mitten-Wearing Twat Hornblower sequence in there somewhere. Major Edrington survives, because he's Sam West and I like him. Archie dies, because that is the curse of Jamie Bamber.

Went to see Exorcist 4 last night - yay for James D'Arcy in a sexilicious priest's robe.

And... yeah. That's the only good thing I can think to say about this film: it has James D'Arcy dressed as a Catholic priest. If that doesn't make you quiver with Fangirlish glee, then you have no pulse don't bother seeing it.

Stellan Skarsgård is trying way too hard to be Russel Crowe, except, unfortunatly, from the part where Russel Crowe can actually act. His character, Father Merrin, has the survival instinct of a retarded sheep. Hyena!Xander could totally have beaten up those rubbish hyenas. [Possessed person] was an exact rendition of Linda Blair in the original, which I admit might have been scary 30 years ago, but is now equal parts hilarious and cringe-inducing.

Even James D'Arcy doesn't get off scott-free, as he has the most appalling fake-American accent, which comes and goes at random intervals and hurts me in my bones.

But he has La Crossbling du Sexy, so I forgive him.

Went for tea at Alan and Jess's new flat last night. Just four of us, was fun. James started talking about painting his pet poodle's toenails and carrying it around London in a pink mesh bag. Still not sure if he was joking or not.

We watched first three episodes of Ultraviolet - mm, Jack Davenport-y - and decided that lack of super-fast cars, long coats and door-smashing is due to it being a British show about vampire hunting rather than an American one. At least idiot Warner Brothers can't cancel it.

Kirsty gets more annoying every time I watch it. She's all "I STALK YOU, MIKE!". And then she hires that reporter and is all, "I STALK YOU BY PROXY, MIKE!" Stupid bitch. No wonder Jack became one of the undead to get out of marrying her. Also laughed at the hickey scene between Mike and Francis:

Francis: *pointing to ickle bite scar Jack left on Mike's neck* Aren't you a bit old for one of those?
Mike: *shifty eyes*
Francis: Anyone I know?
Mike: ...no...

Angie still rocks. So does Francis. I love Vaughn's constant attempts to wind Mike up (which usually involves a trip to the containment room or whatever). And I just love Pearce generally: "I want you to stop drawing lazy connections between priests and pedeophiles." Like Mike just sat there and thought, 'Man, I really can't be bothered with this case. Let's just say it was a priest. Everyone knows priests like to rape little boys.'

Wish Jack had been in it more. He and the vampire who had cancer were the best.

Those of you who watched Nip/Tuck may recall the episode with the child-molesting Catholic priest in. Those of you who watched it with me may recall my snort of laughter during the 'He raped boys!' scene of Over-Acted Emotion, but that's by the by. My point is, Father Rapes Boys is actually in the Pylean episodes of Angel - he's one of the rebal humans that Wesley sends to his death. It made me laugh.

Unlike 50's!Angel who made me cry with his side-parting and white vest. How long has he had that white vest? I bet Angelus would never have worn that.

So, Richard Roxburgh.

Dracula in Van Helsing.

Moriarty in LXG.

And also, apparently, Holmes in the BBC version of Hound of the Baskervilles, which Jonathan informed me sucks more penis than an entire churchload of altarboys.

It doesn't help that, every time someone mentions Dracula, I feel compelled to yell 'The Napolean of the Undead!' while making dramatic gestures.

When I was in college, some of us spent three hours creating a chart that proved the centre of the world was Ken Barlow. I feel tempted to do the same with Sherlock Holmes.

That could be the urge to procrastinate kicking in, though.

Damn.

Am listening to James D'Arcy read 'The Statement' on audio CD. His voice is most sexful, but as for the story itself, I find it hard to believe that the Catholic church would go to such efforts to hide a war criminal. After all, that's time that could be spent raping little boys.

Note: priests rape, pirates molest. It's an important distinction.

In other news, Angel was very boring tonight. Wesley, blah-blah, Fred, blah-blah, Gun got stabbed, some other stuff happened. Some very minor Angel/Spike moments (yes, Vernon, Angel/Spike, not the other way around, now be told) but all in all, a waste of my time.