...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Okay, seriously people, I have something important to say here. If you really must ring a call centre and get all attitudey with the monkeys, and then decide that we're not kissing your over-compensating ass enough and try to impress us with your giant vocabulary and massive intellect:

Then for God's sake, don't use a word that is not only wrong, but in fact means pretty much the opposite of what you wanted to say. "Laudable" is a good thing. It is not a word you use when complaining about how we've doubled the amount you pay by monthly direct debit. I don't know if you meant "laughable" or "ludicrous" or maybe even maybe "deplorable," but believe me, you didn't mean laudable.

So before you call us up and go on a rant, do us both a favour and make sure that worth-eighty-million-Scrabble-points word you plan on trying out actually means what you think it does. Because every time you get it wrong, I have to pretend I give a damn about your problem when there are tears of mocking laughter streaming down my cheeks and my teammates are listening on the handset and sniggering and mouthing "what an idiot" at me.

Have some consideration. Now that would be laudable.

Also, don't call up and whine about being a single mother with three kids on benefits. Shut your mouth, shut your legs and go get a fucking job. It's bad enough that you're even alive, without the horror of knowing you've already reproduced multiple times. You get nothing.

I fucking hate St Patrick's Day. It's not even about Ireland, it's just an excuse for imbeciles to tap the previously unchartered depths of their stupidity with the help of massive quantities of alcohol. I hope every loud, drunken, annoying person out there dies of liver failure, alone, in the snow. When I recreate the world in my image, the wages of fucktardery is Death.

Every now and then, you read a news article that makes you feel all warm inside. Like this story about a couple in Florida being pepper sprayed for having a mobile phone conversation in a cinema.

Personally, I would have taken the taser-to-the-spine route demonstrated by Fred and Connor in the third season of Angel, but then, I'm easily influenced.

The point is, people who answer their phones in movies deserve to be in a lot of pain very quickly. Because that's funny.

As a general rule, pepper spraying anyone with a name like "Warronnica" or " Terrell" is also acceptable behaviour, as is killing their parents.