...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Shark sucks. Like, to infinity and beyond. I was all ready to write it off as a lame ripoff of lame House only with lame lawyers, and then BILLY CAMPBELL showed up and I was like OMGJORDANILOVEYOU only then he turned out to be this incredibly horrifying serial killer (and seriously dudes, a serial killer has to be pretty horrifying before I'm horrified) and he didn't be at all awesome, he was just frightening and not in a good or awesome way AT ALL and it sucked.

Oh, and did I mention, it's pretty much House but with lawyers? Like Shark is House, and Blonde Boss is Cuddy, and Tiny Latino Dude is Cameron, and Whitey McWhiteBoy is Chase, and Bitchy Blonde is Bitchy Blonde (from the later seasons, I don't know her name because I lost interest during that storyline with the mean police dude that went on for like a thousand episodes) and Sasspirella is what would happen if you combined Foreman and Cameron into one person and Investigator Tall is Foreman and it's fucking lame, dudes. Also, Shark's real name isn't Shark, it's Stark, and every time someone uses it I keep hoping that he'll don a blinged-out flying suit and zoom away to fight some terrorists or whatever, but he doesn't because Shark is made from fail.

Seriously, dudes. What a waste of perfectly good Jordanbeard.

Anyway, now I am watching Queen of Swords and it's epic - Methos is this wee snarky doctor who steals apples and is snarky, and Kronos is this mean Colonel dude who steals all the peasants gold and is really snide about everything in a really English villain type way, only he has this random Spanish accent that comes and goes at random. There's a lame girl Zorro who is lame but whatever, this is really about Kronos stealin' gold and meening on people and Methos being snarky. Go watch!

Okay, first of all? FUCK YOU THE EMMYS! Seriously, fuck you right in your stupid Wire-ignoring faces. HOW COULD YOU VOTE FOR HOUSE OVER THE BUNK?! That shit is just not on. You all suck.

On a totally different note, I have finally figured out what it is that bothers me about... err... Agent-That-Is-Not-Krycek from Once a Thief. Even apart from the fact that he takes up precious camera time with his non-Krycek face, which is in itself a crime, he's also the useless boyfriend from the Opposite of Sex! Oh, you fail, Agent-That-Is-Not-Krycek. No wonder Li Ann told everyone you were dead. I'd be ashamed to be seen in public with you too.

Also, I hate Sean Austin so much I cannot even describe it. He makes my skin crawl with loathing every time I see his stupid face. Urgh. I shall hold him personally responsible for Skeet Ulrich's beard debacle in Into The West.

Christian Kane has no-one but himself to blame those pigtails on, though. Idiot.

Oh my God, I hate buses. Because I was out of town last week, I didn't realise they were striking in Leeds yesterday so like a total plank I waited in the RAIN and the COLD and the DARK and then I had to walk into town where MORE WAITING OCCURED and I was an hour and a quarter late and my manager had the nerve to give me attitude, like I really fucking planned to stand outside that long and maybe get frostbitten toes. And now I owe James cake and/or a monkey holding a puppy for giving me a lift home, and that just WOUNDS MY PRIDE!

But, in gooder news, I now own the second season of new Doctor Who (Genevieve, I blame you for encouraging me to gaze in wonderment at David "way better at being Casanova than Heath Ledger, that knave" Tennent) and HAH! Fiyero is the Prime Minister's aide. It is totally awesome and hilarious and wrongsick all at once, because his voice is MADE OF POSHNESS and it's almost a parody of poshness and then he has to say "rock!" in that voice and it makes me laugh. Although, the Doctor was totally whingy when the Prime Minister blew up those stupid aliens, like slave-trading mind-trick-playing aliens are such a loss to the world. And he's like, waahh, they were leaving, waah, and she's like, yeah, to RETURN WITH MORE ALIEN HOMIES AND ENSLAVE US ALL and the Doctor gets all on his high horse about how evil humanity is, like we didn't already know that we're capable of some of the scuzziest actions in the universe. I mean, I know that, and I haven't been around for squillions of years. Also, I would have done exactly the same thing, only burnier and more painful and, if at all possible, to their children. Because nobody wants a blood feud, am I right? Yeah, I should be the Prime Minister. I'm going to make that my platform when I run for office: A VOTE FOR FROODLE IS A VOTE FOR DEAD ALIEN BABIES! Who's with me?

Also, I have vowed to cut my moaning about Temperance Brennan by at least 20%, based purely on the fact that she makes fun of short people. And encourages My Man Dave to do the same. There should be more mocking of people with genetic conditions on shows that are not House. MOCK FOR JESUS!

Anyway, I am running out of time here and there are potatoes that need eating at home, so I shall just leave you with my thoughts on Happy Feet:- it wasn't as good as the trailer made it look, Robin Williams ruins everything and Hugh Jackman is much more believable as an Elvis-penguin than he is as a posh rat from London. I would marry Memphis. YES EVEN THOUGH HE IS A PENGUIN! Except, of course, I would never cheat on Idina.

Greetings, mortals! I just know you're all dying to hear what I've been up to since last my words of wisdom did brighten your pathetic lives, and so here I am, selflessly sharing my brilliance with you all.

Snithy, you will no doubt be gratified to know that preparations for the GREATEST HALLOWEEN EVER continue unabated, and yes, you will be expected to take part in all the joy that will be going on when you visit. And yes, you're going t watch the Corpse Bride. And wear a costume. And smile like you mean it, bitch! Evil laugh, etc.

Did anyone here watch the original version of Kingdom Hospital? The one actually created by Lars von Trier and free of all the annoying Stephen King shout-outs? ("Great art does sell"... "America's greatest living artist"... yeah, shut up, King.) And if so, do they ever actually explain the deal with Paul and the second Dr Gottreich? Because you know, little ghost girls and giant shark-anteater hybrids are cool and all, but at heart I'm a shallow person, and pretty ghost boys are always going to hold my attention over silly things like plot.

Also, I finally got my hands on the two-disc edition of the Lost Boys, and oh man, has time ever not been good to Corey Haim. Although I did laugh evilly when he and Corey Feldman were there talking about their careers as if they actually still had any. But at least Corey Feldman still has his looks. And his gloriously husky voice. Swoon!

On a Corey-related note, you know what show is completely awesome that I had forgotten was totally awesome? Big Wolf on Campus. SO AWESOME! I actually feel inspired to... I don't know, do some unspecified fandomish thing. I'm sure eventually my natural laziness will reassert itself and the urge will pass, however. But still. Awesome! Like, when Merton is all frozen in stone, and he leaves the video diary for Lori and Tommy telling them how to defeat all these monsters and there's that scene of him flipping over the index card, seeing Celine Dion's name and screaming, or taking an electrical drill to Freddie Prinze Jnr, or his tip for dealing with an evil leprechaun ("If he's this high... just kick him."). And Vince! And Sparky! And Boris! Oh, how I love Boris. And the boyband from outer space and the male pregnancy and the... other good thing I was going to mention, but it escapes me. And the Coreys, of course, although Corey Feldman is clearly the superiour Corey.

Anyway, I would ramble for longer but time grows short and I have House slash to read orphens to donate money to over the Internet, so farewell!