...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

If the Halloween episode of Bones is amazing, then the Christmas ones are even more so. I can't decide who I love more, stoned-Christmas-hat-wearing-miracle-declaring The Dave or bitter-cranky-Santa-is-dead-OH-GOOD-stranding-Hodgins-in-a-Dumpster The Dave. Both are so perfect and lovely!

Also, I must once again ask for your help in proving to my arch-foe Snithy that her taste in men is an abomination in the eyes of God and man. Please vote in the following poll and show her the error of her ways:

Edward Cullen or Spock?

<input ... >Spock

<input ... >Edward Cullen (PS I am a loser with no taste)

<input ... >

View Results
Create a LiveJournal Poll

I'm watching the Halloween episode of Bones and OH GOD The Dave's costume! And that bit where Brennan and Evil Cam get into an argument over whether Wonder Woman or Cat Woman would win in a fight* and the part where they're all watching Hodgins on the computer and being like, OH NOES A TEENAGED GIRL IS BEING TORTURED WITH SNAKES WHAT TO DO and The Dave is just absent-mindedly playing with his calculator, OH THE DAVE, I love you so.

*FYI, Wonder Woman has better powers, but Cat Woman fights dirty, so... even money.

Damn straight.

I had something I wanted to say here about the first season of Bones, but I got distracted when I came online and now I forget. It was probably something like OH ZACK, anyway.

OH ZACK!

Okay dudes, googlebrat has come up with the awesome concept of the Anti-Wishlist. No, it's not a list of things that are shit that I do not want you to buy for me. These are beautiful things that I already own, that I think other people should also own. Because they are beautiful.

In the grand tradition of all the best memes, once you have read my Anti-Wishlist and been overwhelmed by my good taste and encyclopedic knowledge of everything that is good ever, you have to write your own Anti-Wishlist. Be it games, music, books, films, TV shows, whatever, make a list of ten things you think other people should want for Christmas, and why.

1. How To Rob A Bank
   
   Dudes, it totally offends me that more of you are not talking about the greatness of this movie. It basically starts with Nick Stahl (aka Ben Hawkins from Carnivale) ranting about bank surcharges while trapped in a bank vault, then moves to him ripping the duct-tape off the mouth of Jessica, a saucy librarian type (saucy librarians are my favourite kind of librarian, FYI) who proceeds to verbally abuse him, which prompts him to snap "Whoa there, Skippy. If I wanted more verbal abuse, I would just call some customer service centre somewhere." She mutters something behind the gag, and Ben (he will henceforth be refered to as Ben) asks sarcastically, "What was that? Was that 'Sorry for being a bitch'? 'I'll be nicer now?'" Anyway, Ben goes on to get into a snarking match via mobile phone with Balthazar from Constantine, who is there trying to rob the vault, and is cranky because Ben has ruined his plan by getting stuck in there when he ran for cover during the robbery and the door closed behind him. There's a lot of completely genius moments, but my personal favourites are the scene where Ben gets Balthazar and the hostage negotiator, Officer Degepse, on a conference call and cons Balthazar into apologising to Degepse and Degepse into accepting the apology, before being distracted by Jessica and hanging up after telling them to "talk among yourselves," and the moment when Balthazar's 'phone battery dies, prompting him to walk out of the bank, hurl his mobile at the SWAT officers surrounding him, hitting Degepse in the head, and then staring at them for a long moment before walking calmly back inside.
   
   
2. Carnivale
   
   Seriously guys, why have more of you not watched this yet? If you liked Twin Peaks, American Gothic or Eerie Indiana, you should be watching Carnivale. Beautiful Nick Stahl takes time out from screwing up bank robberies in order to play the worlds unhappiest Avatar of Light. Ben wanders around looking miserable and confused, pausing occaisonally to shag Clea Duvall and Adrienne Barbeau, pretty much making him my hero for life. Meanwhile, Clancy Brown proves his evilness by making a mean paedophile dude kill himself (what?) and totally wanting his sister, while Cynthia Ettinger and Tim DeKay have pretty much the hottest on-screen romance that I have ever seen, ever. This is basically Twin Peaks if it was on HBO and took place in a travelling circus with strippers. It's awesome, and you should all be ashamed for not loving it like I do.
   
   
3. The 4400
   
   I have pimped this in way more detail here, but this is basically Heroes if Heroes had a cast where everybody could act instead of leaving the beautiful Pasdar to struggle on alone, and the characterization, dialogue and plotting didn't totally fucking suck. In brief, a giant ball of light appears over Seattle, and from it emerges a whole mess of people who have disappeared over the last 60 years. They haven't aged a day, and some of them have come back with magical powers. A beautiful, earnest government agent dude with a penchant for being in a shower whenever an important plot point comes up investigates. There are flavours of man-hottness to suit every palette, and oh, it's quite a good show too.
   
   
4. Profit
   
   Speaking of the beautiful Pasdar... this is pretty much him wandering around naked, with messy hair and too much eyeliner, while being evil in a variety of ways and narrating about how evil he is. Oh, and sleeping with his mum. AWESOME! My favourite bits are when he persuades a woman to go back to her estranged husband, even though he knows that the dude is a total psycho who will probably kill her, because it's the only way the husband will sign a deal that means more monies for the Pasdar, and the part where he deliberately traps another character alone with the uncle who molested her when she was thirteen, and then is totally smug and gleeful about it in the voice-over. That's some cold shit, the Pasdar. And I love it.
   
   
5. Wasting Away
   
   You guys, this is simply the best zombie movie EVER. Yes, better than Dawn of the Dead. Yes, better than Shaun of the Dead. Yes, better even than if they made a movie of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and somehow were able to travel back in time and get thirty-year-old Colin Firth to star in it. The premise is that a bunch of people get infected with Zombie, except they don;t know that they're zombies and they think everyone else is all crazy and high-pitched and runs around really fast. They meet this other dude who tells them that they're super-soldiers, except it turns out he's just this zombie caretaker dude and then he goes crazy and does a dance. Wendall from Bones and the guy from Tigerland who isn't Colin Farrell star. It's marvellous. Why aren't you watching it right now? In fact, why aren't I?! Fuck this list, I'll finish it later.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! Why has nobody written a fic about how Wendell from Bones is actually a zombie and the "people from the neighbourhood" who clubbed together to send him to college are the zombies from Wasting Away who form their own settlement at the end of the movie? I'm totally offended by the lack of a Wasting Away/Bones crossover.

Of course, if somebody was to write it for me, I would waive my offendedness. And I might give them some sort of reward, such as... umm... cake? Or a time canoe! Or even both!

Actually, I will only give you both if you manage to work something in there about Hodgins and the tiny gay English intern who is totally in love with him* aswell. But it will be totally worth it!

*This is actually kind of against the rules in Bones, since it was clearly established at the very start of the show that everyone is in love with The Dave and any other love-interests are secondary to that love, but I think Tiny Gay English Intern is very brave for daring to defy the Rule of Bones and thus deserves some credit. Or at least not to be written off the show for not loving The Dave enough.

Okay dudes. So now that Bones has descended into a world of suckiness and hurt, I think it's time there was another vehicle for David Boreanaz to showcase his particular brand of being a champion of good through the medium of brutal violence. So we need to come up with a format that will include all of the following:

• The Dave digs.
  
• The Dave wears a hat.
  
• The Dave rescues puppies.
  
• The Dave hugs distraught children.
  
• The Dave wears a white vest.
  
• The Dave broods.
  
• The Dave does the Angel Dance.
  
• The Angel Dance must now also include a part where he plays air instruments.
  
• The Dave uses his Charm Smile on someone.
  
• The Dave punches people.
  
• The Dave pistol whips people (this bit is super-important - these days, if someone isn't getting pistol-whipped, I don't feel I've been entertained).
  
• The Dave smashes down doors.
  
• The Dave is involved in a brutal, knock-down drag-out fist fight that lasts no less than ten on-screeen minutes.
  
• The Dave sulks.
  
• The Dave makes his "please don't seduce me" face.
  
• The Dave is cranky.
  
• The Dave is inappropriately giddy.

Now, I realise, looking at this, that I could get all of this by watching Angel or Bones, and that's fine, except for the parts that involves Sweets or Cam or Fred or Connor or snoretastic plot arcs about Gormogons or Jasmines. So really what we need is something that already has a great plot, but can be adapted for The Dave without the need to introduce annoying pointless characters who wreck ewverything.

And thus was born: The Dickens/Zombie/The Dave Extravaganza - an entire season of Dickens adaptations containing all the blood, gore and zombies that Dickens would have intended if he had been alive when the Evil Dead movies came out. Nicholas Zombilby, Zombie Expectations, Bleak Zombie, Zombie Twist, A Zombie of Two Cities, the Zombie Tollbooth - the possibilities are varied and marvellous.

Also I think Lindsey should be in it, because I just watched Dead End and I had forgotten how entertaining his big gay unrequited crush on Angel was. And really, if there was ever anyone who deserved to get savaged by zombies, it was... well, actually it was Gavin, because he REALLY sucked, but watching terrible things happen to Lindsey was a key aspect of Angel in my house. Also, Leverage is a bit rub and he doesn't get his hand cut off or ANYTHING, so let's go back to traditional values, where getting in the way of justice means you get your parts cut off. YAY!

Oh Bones, where did things go so wrong for us? You were my Unexpectedly Delightful New Show of 2006. You redeemed David Boreanaz at a time when it seemed his glory days were long since past. You earned him the League of Hot's highest honour, elevating him to the rank of The Dave and making him part of the Holy Trinity of Hotness. You were beautiful, and I loved you.

But ever since that first season ended, dark forces have been at work behind the scenes, slowly chipping away all that was once good and pure and replacing it with things that are evil and failsome.

Where once Daddy Goodman ruled the medico-legal lab with a deep voice and an authoritarian beard, now there is only Evil Cam and her lame, boring attempt to be "hip" and "sassy" while also "dedicated to her work". It's like you took everything that was annoying about Brennan and everything that was annoying about Angela and combined them with a few extra annoying qualities to make one giant superfluous pile of irritation.

Then came Gordon Gordon, forensic psychiatrist extraordinairre, who forced The Dave into drinking tea and forgiving Hodgins. He was awesome, and we loved him, and he was replaced the next season with Sweets, whose sole claim to fame is the fact that his teeth are so huge you could surf the Banzai pipeline on them.

And oh, Zack. You deserved so much better. Most supporting characters only get royally screwed over in one season finale - you had it twice in a row. I can only imagine what kind of goon will take your place in the new series.

In fact, that's the underlying theme of Bones - let's take away everything fun and good and replace it with boringness and hate. Forget Angela/Jack - who wants all that sexiness and interesting, likable characters? Let's bring Fred and Wesley back and really suck the joy out of our audience. And Caroline is far too much fun - where is Ally McBeal when you want a lawyer with as much screen presence as a used tissue? No doubt by season six they will kill Booth off, as having a lead actor with charm and charisma and passable acting ability will no longer fit with the direction of the show. Maybe once CSI: Miami ends, they can bring in David Caruso, thus effectively transforming what was once a thing of beauty and light into a gaping hole in the fabric of the television universe.

Fuck you Bones. You have failed in your duty to... not fail. Or something.

Do you think that if I could get a doctor to certify me as being wanktard-intolerent, I could go on permanent medical leave and never work again? Because pretty much all jobs are going to involve some level of wanktardery, and if it was possible I might die from it, they'd pretty much have to pay me incapacity benefit or something, right? That would be awesome.

What is decidedly not awesome is when some numbnuts decides to pull me away from my massive workload in order to "talk to you all about NPS." Dick, I know what NPS is. I am part of the motherfucking trial. I am at my desk every day calling these jizzstain customers back and recording their moronic comments verbatim. I do not need a fucking presentation on your lameass board with it's lameass charts. I MADE THE FUCKING CHARTS! I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN, DILHOLE! And it especially pisses me off when I am subjected to their idiotic attempt at a peptalk. I do not respond well to peptalks. I don't respond well to pep. In particular, I do not respond well to peptalks about how a certain thing is working fabulously when I know that is not the case because, and pay attention here, I AM PART OF THE GODDAMN TRIAL TEAM! Do not fucking lie to me, I am by nature both smart and cynical, and when someone shines shit and tries to call it gold it makes me very fucking cranky indeed!

Urgh!

In other news, I think there should be a show that is made up of characters who are either too good for their original show or who wound up being screwed over on it. Lafayette from True Blood and T-Bear from Supernatural would be the stars and they would fight crime, in between T-Bear's bouts of crying and attempting to kill himself and Lafayette's secondary but much for lucrative career as a go-go dancer. Josef from Moonlight would be the local crime kingpin - he'd sort of be their stated enemy, but really it would be one of those relationships where they have a grudging kind of respect for each other and sometimes Josepf would help them out dealing with other, baddier baddies. The main baddie would be the Carver from Nip/Tuck, only back when the Carver was still really fucking terrifying, before we found out it was just dumb old Quentin behind the mask. Zack Addy would be the adorkable gender-ambiguous lab assistant nature always intended him to be, and everyone would keep a stern eye on him to make sure it stayed that way. Mark Anthony would pop up every now and then as a time-travelling manwhore/adventurer - a bit like Jack Harkness only not rubbish or in Wales. Also, Jeremy Renner would get to be in it all the time and not die.

You know, I talk a lot on here about people being the poor man's version of other people, but I don't always mean it as a bad thing. Like, okay, Stellan Skarsgård is totally the poor man's version of Russell Crowe, but what that actually means is that he has traits in common with Russell Crowe, and that's a good thing. It's not as good as actually being Russell Crowe, but it still makes you better than people who aren't Russell Crowe-like at all. Or like how Colby is the poor man's version of Seeley Booth - all that means is that he will eventually evolve into Seeley Booth.* A few more years, a better haircut, and maybe some hugging of puppies and Boothdom is totally achievable.

But then you get these really tragic cases, where someone is trying to be the poor man's version of some other, more awesome person, and they fail and wind up becoming the poor man's version of someone far more losery than their intended idol. Case in point: Angus Sutherland. I just feel so bad for him, because he's trying so hard to be Keifer Sutherland in the original Lost Boys, and instead of being David Mark II, he ends up being Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned.

And before anyone gets on my case, yes, I loved the Lost Boys 2, and yes, I do hate Queen of the Damned with all the considerable hate in my soul, but that's not the point of this post. The point is that while Keifer Sutherland was good at being a badass vampire and exchanging long homoerotically-charged looks with Jason Patrick, Angus Sutherland is really only good for the latter. Also, and this is not really his fault but it should be mentioned, Tad Hilgenbrink as Chris Emerson is nothing like as pretty as Jason Patrick as Micheal Emerson.

Of course, if any of you wanted to rush off and find me lots of Shane/Chris porn, I would not be adverse to reading it. In the spirit of scientific enquiry, of course.

I was going to make a list here of things I love and things I hate about the fourth season of Numb3rs, but I don't feel like it any more, so I will just say that we need more falling in water from Colby and less wearing of horrible ties from Charlie.


And now, some random quiz things:

You Are Candy Corn

Your Halloween personality is whimsical, colorful, and creative. You see Halloween as a time to get your creative juices flowing. Each year, Halloween can't start soon enough for you. You tend to go all out for Halloween. You decorate like crazy and always dress up.

What Halloween Treat Are You?

You Are a Werewolf

You are moody and easily provoked. You are highly loyal and protective of those you love. While you can be intense at times, you are generally a laid back person. But if a fight comes your way, you will fight 'til the death if necessary. You seem normal to most people. No one understands how different you can be. It's like a switch flips for you sometimes - and then you're a completely different creature.

Are You a Vampire or a Werewolf?

What Your Cute Monster Says About You

You're the type of person who stands out in a crowd, even when you're trying to blend in. You are honest in your character and appearance. You don't pretend to be someone else. Your inner demon is sorrow. You tend to get depressed easily. People think you're cute because you're rebellious. Your uniqueness is charming.

The Cute Monster Test

*Except for the shooting clowns bit, as we can all agree that Don is far more likely to shoot a clown than anyone else on Numb3rs.

Oh shit, you guys! I'm watching that episode of Numb3rs with the Toxic Manifesto and the product tampering, and it's one of my favourite episodes, mostly because it combines the alpha-male coolness of Lou Diamond Phillips, aka Boothius Maximus, with this rancher dude who was falsely accused of selling tainted beef and killing a US Marshall, and he's all capable and manly and lives off the land in a way that makes me weak-kneed and trembly because I'm a lazyass city person and I find that whole concept terribly impressive, and I never really talked about this before because he's only in the one episode and he doesn't interact with any of the characters (because he's busy being a MANLY FUGITIVE FROM INJUSTICE!) and-and-and I just realized, he's the same guy who played stupid whiny Micheal from Stargate Atlantis and now I feel dirty and violated and not in the good way.

Sigh. Now I must find someone else rugged and capable to crush on.