...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Do you think that if I could get a doctor to certify me as being wanktard-intolerent, I could go on permanent medical leave and never work again? Because pretty much all jobs are going to involve some level of wanktardery, and if it was possible I might die from it, they'd pretty much have to pay me incapacity benefit or something, right? That would be awesome.

What is decidedly not awesome is when some numbnuts decides to pull me away from my massive workload in order to "talk to you all about NPS." Dick, I know what NPS is. I am part of the motherfucking trial. I am at my desk every day calling these jizzstain customers back and recording their moronic comments verbatim. I do not need a fucking presentation on your lameass board with it's lameass charts. I MADE THE FUCKING CHARTS! I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN, DILHOLE! And it especially pisses me off when I am subjected to their idiotic attempt at a peptalk. I do not respond well to peptalks. I don't respond well to pep. In particular, I do not respond well to peptalks about how a certain thing is working fabulously when I know that is not the case because, and pay attention here, I AM PART OF THE GODDAMN TRIAL TEAM! Do not fucking lie to me, I am by nature both smart and cynical, and when someone shines shit and tries to call it gold it makes me very fucking cranky indeed!

Urgh!

In other news, I think there should be a show that is made up of characters who are either too good for their original show or who wound up being screwed over on it. Lafayette from True Blood and T-Bear from Supernatural would be the stars and they would fight crime, in between T-Bear's bouts of crying and attempting to kill himself and Lafayette's secondary but much for lucrative career as a go-go dancer. Josef from Moonlight would be the local crime kingpin - he'd sort of be their stated enemy, but really it would be one of those relationships where they have a grudging kind of respect for each other and sometimes Josepf would help them out dealing with other, baddier baddies. The main baddie would be the Carver from Nip/Tuck, only back when the Carver was still really fucking terrifying, before we found out it was just dumb old Quentin behind the mask. Zack Addy would be the adorkable gender-ambiguous lab assistant nature always intended him to be, and everyone would keep a stern eye on him to make sure it stayed that way. Mark Anthony would pop up every now and then as a time-travelling manwhore/adventurer - a bit like Jack Harkness only not rubbish or in Wales. Also, Jeremy Renner would get to be in it all the time and not die.

So, FX have just announced that the sixth season of Nip/Tuck will be the last. I'm pretty much in favour of this, not because I have any issues with the show itself, but simply because there are so many shows that outstay their welcome and then what once was beautiful and pure becomes this evil-smelling swamp of ridiculous plots and shitty inconsistant characterization and dialogue so bad you want to gouge out your eyes from the sheer horror of it all.

Yeah, I still have issues relating to those last few seasons of Buffy.

But seriously, I think there should be some sort of law that if you want to extend your show beyond three seasons, you have to prove it won't suck beyond all measure before you're allowed to do it. Like, I'm sad that Deadwood is no more, but nothing like as sad as I would have been if it had degenerated into pointless crap involving mysically appearing kid sisters and Al becoming some whiny tardface with his stupid fake soul and lovebots and fucking annoying high school nerds gone Darkside...

Ahem. I'm sorry, I really will shut up about Buffy now.

But anyway, with Nip/Tuck going off the air, and what is most likely the end of my love affair with Bones, and this season of the Wire being the last (like Deadwood, an example of an awesome show that has the foresight to bow out gracefully and with lots of fake serial killings) it means I'm pretty much left with Numb3rs to fall back on. And BSG, of course, but that's not really light after-work viewing, and frankly not homoerotic at all.

And although The Bunk is of course awesome, I do not approve of how much more laid back Don is since starting therapy. I missed it the first time, as I was busy being relieved over the whole "Colby is not a filthy Communist spy" thing, but Don has not pistol-whipped anyone, hurled a suspect around an interrogation room or allowed Lou Diamond Phillips to torture people at all this season. I really do not approve. Bring back the old Don, who shouted at everyone and then shot a bunch of guys and looked serious! Charlie is adorable and Colby is burly and Larry is awesome, but seriously, I require more manly violence! Somebody recommend some shows with manly violence in them to me. Oh, and not any variation on CSI - fucking David Caruso's syphilis-raddled face has poisoned me against all forms of CSI forever. And not Supernatural either, for the same reason only substitute "Jared Padalecki" for "David Caruso".

God. Why is there not more Jericho? WHY YOU GUYS?! Okay, Jake Green never tied a bunch of hams to some guy so alligators would eat him, and he can't fight crime with maths, but he can fly planes and look sad, and I bet Mister Hawkins is the World Champion when it comes to pistol-whipping and the torture of suspects.

Goddamn you, television. Don't force me to entertain myself!

You know, if this continues, I may have to cancel my subscription to We Hate Julia McNamara Monthly. Of course, I shall keep my back issues, as hating her during the first two seasons is completely justified, but ( cut for 3rd season spoilers )

So there I was, thinking Frankenlaura was about as creepy as an episode of Nip/Tuck could get what with the seamless combination of mutilated corpses, necrophilia and incest, and then... Abby Mays. It's been a long time since anything on TV made me that uncomfortable, but I felt physically ill during the consultation with the lipstick and that whole scene with the bag made my skin crawl. At least Frankenlaura had a few giggle-inducing moments, like when they realise Prine has been having sex with the body (bodies?) and Sean looks really crestfallen when he says he thought Prine was just practicing his surgical technique and Christian gives him this look like he's not quite sure whether Sean is having him on or not.

And also, OMFG KIMBER!

Brady? Brady?! Okay, I'm willing to admit a slight bias against pregnant teenagers in any situation, but women who name their children after a 'ship should be beaten to death for sheer stupidity. Can you imagine going through life a "Snarry"? I really didn't think it was possible for me to hate Trudy more than I already do, but it seems I was wrong. Also, there has to be a better seduction technique than getting knocked up by the younger brother of your Object of Affection, waiting until he gets pushed off a balcony, dies and is set on fire, and then telling your Lust Object that you never loved his (recently dead!) little brother anyway. Although at least Brady avoided being called Zooty, which I suppose is one good thing to come out of the fact that Trudy is a Crazy Bitch.

On a much lighter note, ( Nip/Tuck season 3 )

I am so fucking cranky right now, I could just... stab someone in the face. Repeatedly. I think my blood sugar level is all crazy and that's what's turning me into Little Miss Angerpants, but knowing what's causing it doesn't make me feel any better.

And, and! I am watching Nip/Tuck and OMFG I HATE QUENTIN! Every time he's in it with his stupid rubbery fucking lips I just want Sean to punch him. He makes my skin crawl. And that scene where he spends the night with Julia and then Skinhead McMatt is all giving him attitude, and I hate Matt this season aswell but seriously, Quentin, STFU NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! And then Matt tells him to go fuck himself and he's all, "Comprende, ese?" and he says it in this really sarcastic way, like just inviting Quentin to get up in his face and I'm like, shit, I hope laughing at that scene doesn't make me racist because John Hensley's delivery of that line was fucking hilarious.

God, I hate Quentin.

ETA: I haven't seen all of this season yet, so please, don't tell me who the Carver is because I will go INSANE WITH RAGE and kill everyone.

I'm watching the third season of Nip/Tuck and oh man, seriously, I am so in love with Christian's laugh. That episode where Quentin grabs his ass and afterwards he's teasing Sean about Quentin having a little "man-crush" on him (oh irony, how I love thee!) and he gronks! It's like, he's there all suave and successful and sexy, and he has a gronky laugh and it's So Awesome and I love him.

Man, it was bugging the shit out of me that I couldn't remember where I'd seen the woman in the recording Mal and co. find on Miranda, and I just realised, she's Miss Isringhausen from Deadwood. Although personally, I find it hard to believe that a woman who can stand up, unaided, to the machinations of Al Swearengen while also having the self-control not to beat the shit out of Alma Garrett every time she opens her bitch mouth, isn't a match for a bunch of Reavers. According to the IMDB, she was also the hooker that pretended to have the stigmata during one episode of Nip/Tuck, although I only vaguley remember her, being more focused on what a complete asshole Sean was being about the Church in that episode.

And in completely unrelated news, oh my God Murdock is in an episode of SG1! And he wears glittery slippers and yells at Jack and it's way, way too funny and then he gets all narked off about people ruining his garden and Jack's like, "Heh", but all Daniel does is moan about his parents getting squashed by an obviously made-of-rubber monument thingie falling on them. God, Daniel, do you have to whine every time someone close to you dies? Jackass.

It's here, it's here, it's fucking here! Six days after Play emailed me to let me know it had been dispatched, I now hold in my hands the deliciously molesterable Rollo Weeks a copy of the Thief Lord movie. YES! Hot underage boylove is mine in both fullscreen and widescreen formats. Sadly, the deleted scenes failed to include a Scipio/Prosper snogfest, but I don't care, because I know it happened and that's all that matters.

I was wondering how they were going to handle the after-effects of the roundabout, and I gotta say, that thing with using the original actors voices as their child-selves was just retarded. Especially Barbarossa - even leaving aside the fact that that kid looked like the Anti-Christ (and not a cute Anti-Christ like Adam Young or Damien in the first two Omen movies), that voice would have made any sane person run for the hills. But then again, the movie!Esther and Max were fucking psychotic, so it's probably a fair match.

Speaking of Adam Young, Jasper Harris? Bang on the money. If they ever get around to making Good Omens into a film, dear God, let him be cast. He's such a cutie; that whole "You forgot something important; it's under my jumper... it's me!" made me want to hug him and feed him sugar cookies and let him play with William Bullock in the land of Kids Who Are Just Too Damn Cute For My Black Heart To Withstand. They can throw rocks at Jake Lloyd and that stupid kid from the BSG mini-series from where they sit in the ajoining land of Kids I Hate And Should Be Thrown Out Of Airlocks After Being Eaten By A Fucking Annoying Robodog. What the hell was going on with Bo hallucinating about those animals, though? Uh, Prop, I think someone's been slipping your kid brother LSD on the sly...

For some reason, Vanessa Redgrave - who is in the film for like, twenty seconds - is the only cast member named on the back of the case, presumably because it's better than writing "starring that dude who was in the Scarlet Pimpernel and a bunch of Hornblower alumni that you've probably never heard of unless you're a total nerd who whores for Jamie Bamber in breeches". But seriously, what the hell? Why not just write "cast of rising young stars", because I guaran-fucking-tee, we'll be hearing from Rollo Weeks again when I kidnap him for my own depraved purposes and his parents start a campaign to rescue their poor, sweet child from my clutches.

More to come later on meeting John Connolly, the second season of Deadwood, and why Dan Dority needs to marry me like right the hell now.

So, apparently Lex is a sexaholic. When did this happen? The whole weird thing with his mother and Martha Kent and that whole barrel of wrongness, I have no problem with, since it was actually mentioned on the show. But this? Was something completely out of the blue.

And don't get me wrong, the Lex nookie is always a welcome balm to the unending pain that is Lana, but what the fuck? Where the hell did that come from? I mean, I know I've been pretty nasty about Julian McMahon's receeding hairline in the latest series of Nip/Tuck, but I was unaware that Lex has suddenly morphed into Christian Troy.

...does that make Clark Kimber?