...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

My mum just let my fifteen-year-old cousin, who has never been to the Isle of Man before, go for a bike ride, alone, along our crumbling, badly-signposted, extremely windy coastal footpaths. He's totally going to come back dead - an Isle of Man zombie, doomed to remain here in perpetual torment, denied even the sweet release of the final death.

And no, before anyone starts, he can't do a Pirates of the Caribbean and just walk along the bottom of the ocean to return to civilization, because while it worked for zombies back in the powdered-wig days, today the seas are just too polluted and would strip his fragile zombie flesh from his bones in under an hour.

I suppose he could ride a jetski to the mainland, though. OH MY GOD, zombies on jetskis - best idea for a TV show ever.

Oh, I forgot to mention, POTC4 also had Cougar pretending to be the King of Spain, for no particular reason that I could determine. Probably he just took it on for the chance to wear a new yet equally beautiful hat.

Hopefully this was a teaser for the Losers 2, in which Cougar will pretend to be the King of Spain and wear a great hat. I would watch that, especially if it dovetailed into Idris Elba and Daddy Winchester being pirates

Has anyone else seen the trailer for that Sky Atlantic movie, Neverland? I'm sort of intrigued. Probably it won't be as awesome as the 2003 version with Jason Isaacs, but it might be as good as something that doesn't have Jason Isaacs in can hope to be.

Apparently there's another Peter Pan reimagining next year where Peter is a killin' dude and Hook is trying to catch him. That sounds pretty retarded, but it has the kid from Sleepwalking in it, so who knows?

Also, I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 4 today. It was okay - I didn't come out of it feeling like I'd just wasted two hours of my life, but for a movie that has Johnny Depp and Ian McShane, it wasn't anything like as awesome as I thought it should be. Also, the missionary and the mermaid were so pointless and uninteresting, it actually made me miss Keira Knightley and the gay blacksmith. Unworthy.

Anyways, I think I'm going to go for a swim and get some seaweed to hide in my brothers shoes, so laters!

So, in case it wasn't obvious, I've seen the Da Vinci Code. And it was awful. I cannot use strong enough terms to warn people away from this travesty of justice. Tom Hanks should be shot, Dan Brown should be crucified, and that silly French bird needs a one-way ticket to the Reject Bin. Even Sir Ian could not rescue this film from the swirling vortex of pure shitty movie-ness that it creates. Were this movie a living thing, I would recommend cutting off all its limbs and throwing it in a pool of molten lava as a punishment merely for existing.

I did, however, see the trailer for PotC2, the new Bond film and Poseidon. To take the last first, why?! I mean, come on, the original TV series was rubbish anyway - and not in the fun way that 70s tv shows can sometimes be - the new one was rubbish even though it had Jayne and he was all wet, why the fuck did they decide there needed to be a movie? This goes with Underworld 2 and Dr Dolittle 3 in the "what were they thinking?" pile. It's also advertised as coming "From the director of Troy and the Perfect Storm", which serves more as a warning label than a reccomendation. PotC2 looks, unsuprisingly, totally awesome. There's a weird Cthulhu-pirate (he wears a hat!) and Johnny Depp in eyeliner and sexy facial tattoos. I think that's really all that needs to be said. James Bond looks suprisingly not-boring, mostly because of Daniel Craig and Judi Dench, but I probably won't bother seeing it anyway. Just because this one might suck less than every other James Bond movie ever made doesn't mean it won't still suck.

Rarr!

Pre-birthday celebration with Jess, Alan, James, Scottish James and Verity. Went to see Finding Neverland, which was fantastic and made me cry like, well, a character played by James D'Arcy. Kid playing Peter had the biggest ears - no wonder JM Barrie imagined he could fly. Guy who played the guy who played Nana was Stupid Marine Bloke #1 in POTC, which filled me with gigglings.

Afterwards we went to Hard Rock for dinner, which was tasty. We had crayons and drew pictures on napkins - Scottish James playing bagpipes, Alan crying because he'd dyed his hair a stupid colour and had to shave off his beard again, Dominatrix!Verity with Penguin!Snape, Jess and I fighting over goblins and James and Steve sitting in a tree. Then back to Alan and Jess's for Cluedo, which Alan kept beating us at, even after Jess and I combined forces to defeat his Sherlockian evil.

Parentals arrive tomorrow. Shall update if I survive.

Have been watching episodes of Granada's Sherlock Holmes TV series with Jeremy Brett as Holmes that I commandeered from Jonathan's bookshelf when I was home, and I have to say, am begining to understand his frequently expressed desire to have Jeremy Brett's manbabies. He is *very* cool.

Watched 'The Final Problem' and 'The Empty Room' last night, and still can't decide whether I prefer David Burke or Edward Hardwicke as Watson.

I can say with confidence, however, that you should never, ever watch Watership Down, Pirates of the Caribbean, Ultraviolet and Sherlock Holmes in the course of one night, while eating deep-fried cheese in pizza sauce at 5am, unless you're actively encouraging bizarre dreams involving Jack Davenport's character from Ultraviolet having his Norrington wig stolen by the rabbits from Watership Down, who then get told off by a rabbit version of Sherlock Holmes, only to have the entire warren collapse while, in the background, Captain Holly rages that this would never have happened if the Government hadn't forced him to let gays into his Owsla.

If you like those kind of dreams, however, go right ahead.