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Sep. 4th, 2013 05:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
froodleSo previously, Spartacus 2 was like, "hey Agron, go get us some dudes to join our rebellion gang" and Agron was like, "sweet, am i allowed to pick dudes who arent pissy french bitches?" and Crixus is all "AAAAAAAARGH FUCK YOU AGRON" and Spartacus 2 is like "KNOCK IT OFF you two already totally embarrassed me in front of gannicus and his assless chaps with your sibling rivalry bullshit!"
So agron comes back like, "sweet news, Spartacus 2, i found a ship just LOADED with dudes!" and so they go to the ship and Agron's like, "YO FELLOW GERMANS, WHO HERE WANTS FREEDOM AND VIOLENCE?" and the germans are like, "DO WE EVER!"
And then there's a lot of Agron yelling excitedly in German and being totally adorable. like, you know how he and duro basically giggled their way through season one? even more adorable than that!
then gannicus is in capua and he goes up to some fat roman dude, like, "give me money, i need booze and whores, also, have you seen my freedom sword?" and the dude is like, "here's some coins in appreciation of your years wearing assless chaps, now how about we watch the main roman guy give an annoying speech and crucify some slaves?"
and gannicus is like, "i dunno, that sounds like a sour time to me" so he bails to a brothel/tavern.
then ONEMAIUS IS UP and him and naevia and crixus have a totally lovely group hug, like, aaawwww, remember how back in the day onemaius once hit crixus in the face with a shield just for saying hello? good times, good times.
then spartacus gets back with the new dudes, and everyone's like, "awesome, got some fightin' dudes! way to go agron!" but obviously crixus has to cockblock anyone from ever having happyfeels, so he's all, "boooo germans! booooooo!" and spartacus is like, "man, don't be a negative nellie crixus!" and crixus is like, "ps agron is totes gonna take over now" and spartacus is like "seriously, must you ruin everything?" and crixus is like, "yes, its actually my gladiator superpower" and spartacus is like, "oh, okay then, n/m, i thought you were doing it to be a prick."
then theres some roman bullshit, creepy ashur rape, creepy main roman guy hitting on the sister of the dude he killed in the last episode, poodle whining.
then beautiful gannicus is chillin' in the brothel, and ashur is like, "hey gannicus my best bro, main roman guy wants to see you, also, mind if i crucify this hooker you're hangin' with?" and gannicus is like, "man, everyone is getting crucified these days, try to have some original cool style, dude" and ashur is like, "whatevs, do you want your freedom stick or not?"
so main roman guy is like, join my dudes, gannicus, and gannicus is like, can i think about it, coz you seem creepy and dislikable? and main roman guy is like, okay fine, so gannicus leaves, and roman guy is like, "ashur, please send one of the ashurettes to make sure gannicus doesnt try to get out of joining my dudes" and ashur, the fucking retard, chooses the ashurette with the tat'd-up face for a covert spying mission.
then poodle and xena fake an almost-miscarriage to get away from ashur and the main roman guy, and there's an awesome bit where poodle is like OH I AM DYING and keeps alternating between swooning and checking the main dudes reaction.
then... fucking hell, crixus is being a little bitch in this episode... he runs up to spartacus like, "spartacus, spartacus, agron went out hunting with his dudes and didnt get permission, oh my god!" so spartacus goes into the woods like, AGRON YOU'RE GETTING A LECTURE and agron's like SERIOUSLY CRIXUS YOU SNITCHED ME OUT WTF DUDE?! and crixus is like HAHAH YOU'RE GETTING IN TROUBLE! and Spartacus is like FUCK IT EVERYONE IS GROUNDED!
ummmm, then xena tries to get gannicus to kill the main roman dude, and actually her reasoning is pretty sound, but by this point i dont trust that fucking bitch at all and hopefully gannicus doesnt either because he basically just drunkenly yells at her to go away.
so at the temple all the dudes are having a party (obviously in spartacus-times grounding does exist as a concept, but they havent worked out the fine details) and the germans are throwing mad shapes on the dance floor and crixus is sulking and in the end even naevia is like, "you know ratting your bros out is like a violation of the mancode right?" and shit, they are so lovely when they look at each other, i almost wasnt rolling my eyes at crixus until he basically said agron was worthless. SIGH.
then there is a great bit where this german dude is like "YO ONEMAIUS SING WITH ME AND SHARE MY WOMEN," not paraphrasing.
but then, and god, theres always one who has to ruin everything, this gigantic german dude tries to rape naevia, and agron is like WTF DUDE MAJOR PARTY FOUL so he jumps the dude and so agron and the dude are beating the shit out of each other, and crixus is just watching and smirking which is actually really funny, except not in context.
so anyway then crixus realises whats going down (because he has superhearing, presumably, since he hears naevia whispering over the sound of the fight even though hes like ten feet away from her) so he's like choking the dude to death, then the other german dudes are like WHAT THE SHIT and basically it erupts into a full-on brawl.
and then spartacus busts in and straight-up headbutts a guy, like POW outta my way, and he's like WHO HAS DARED TO PARTY FOUL MY PARTY WITH RAPE ATTEMPTS?!
and the giant german dude is like IT WAS ME BITCH WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?!
and Spartacus CHOPS OFF THE DUDES FACE.
And his BRAINS FALL OUT.
And everyone is like WHOAH WHAT THE FUCK SPARTACUS THERE IS BRAINS AND FACE EVERYWHERE.
(also, crixus has HILARIOUS what-the-fuck face. i watched this scene like four times because i couldnt stop laughing at his expression, it is great)
and spartacus is like, now are you bitches going to fucking behave or do i have to turn this rebellion around and send you all back to slavery?!
and everyone is like HOLY SHIT WE'LL BE GOOD PLEASE WE LIKE HAVING FREEDOM AND ALSO FACES.
then spartacus is like, this seems like a good time for a speech! and the germans do this weird chestbeating thing which, i dunno, means "you made your point no speeches ok?"
ugh, then creepy roman guy and the sister have sex, which i totally didnt need to see, and then there is a cart surrounded by chopped up body parts, which is also unsettling but less so than creepy roman guy sex.
and it turns out mangled corpse bits are just gannicus's way of saying "thanks for the various job offers, xena and creepy roman guy, but for my counteroffer, how about i leave you a tatted-up ashurette with my freedom stick JABBED IN HIS FUCKING NECK?!"
and ashur is like, ...so that's a no, right?
So agron comes back like, "sweet news, Spartacus 2, i found a ship just LOADED with dudes!" and so they go to the ship and Agron's like, "YO FELLOW GERMANS, WHO HERE WANTS FREEDOM AND VIOLENCE?" and the germans are like, "DO WE EVER!"
And then there's a lot of Agron yelling excitedly in German and being totally adorable. like, you know how he and duro basically giggled their way through season one? even more adorable than that!
then gannicus is in capua and he goes up to some fat roman dude, like, "give me money, i need booze and whores, also, have you seen my freedom sword?" and the dude is like, "here's some coins in appreciation of your years wearing assless chaps, now how about we watch the main roman guy give an annoying speech and crucify some slaves?"
and gannicus is like, "i dunno, that sounds like a sour time to me" so he bails to a brothel/tavern.
then ONEMAIUS IS UP and him and naevia and crixus have a totally lovely group hug, like, aaawwww, remember how back in the day onemaius once hit crixus in the face with a shield just for saying hello? good times, good times.
then spartacus gets back with the new dudes, and everyone's like, "awesome, got some fightin' dudes! way to go agron!" but obviously crixus has to cockblock anyone from ever having happyfeels, so he's all, "boooo germans! booooooo!" and spartacus is like, "man, don't be a negative nellie crixus!" and crixus is like, "ps agron is totes gonna take over now" and spartacus is like "seriously, must you ruin everything?" and crixus is like, "yes, its actually my gladiator superpower" and spartacus is like, "oh, okay then, n/m, i thought you were doing it to be a prick."
then theres some roman bullshit, creepy ashur rape, creepy main roman guy hitting on the sister of the dude he killed in the last episode, poodle whining.
then beautiful gannicus is chillin' in the brothel, and ashur is like, "hey gannicus my best bro, main roman guy wants to see you, also, mind if i crucify this hooker you're hangin' with?" and gannicus is like, "man, everyone is getting crucified these days, try to have some original cool style, dude" and ashur is like, "whatevs, do you want your freedom stick or not?"
so main roman guy is like, join my dudes, gannicus, and gannicus is like, can i think about it, coz you seem creepy and dislikable? and main roman guy is like, okay fine, so gannicus leaves, and roman guy is like, "ashur, please send one of the ashurettes to make sure gannicus doesnt try to get out of joining my dudes" and ashur, the fucking retard, chooses the ashurette with the tat'd-up face for a covert spying mission.
then poodle and xena fake an almost-miscarriage to get away from ashur and the main roman guy, and there's an awesome bit where poodle is like OH I AM DYING and keeps alternating between swooning and checking the main dudes reaction.
then... fucking hell, crixus is being a little bitch in this episode... he runs up to spartacus like, "spartacus, spartacus, agron went out hunting with his dudes and didnt get permission, oh my god!" so spartacus goes into the woods like, AGRON YOU'RE GETTING A LECTURE and agron's like SERIOUSLY CRIXUS YOU SNITCHED ME OUT WTF DUDE?! and crixus is like HAHAH YOU'RE GETTING IN TROUBLE! and Spartacus is like FUCK IT EVERYONE IS GROUNDED!
ummmm, then xena tries to get gannicus to kill the main roman dude, and actually her reasoning is pretty sound, but by this point i dont trust that fucking bitch at all and hopefully gannicus doesnt either because he basically just drunkenly yells at her to go away.
so at the temple all the dudes are having a party (obviously in spartacus-times grounding does exist as a concept, but they havent worked out the fine details) and the germans are throwing mad shapes on the dance floor and crixus is sulking and in the end even naevia is like, "you know ratting your bros out is like a violation of the mancode right?" and shit, they are so lovely when they look at each other, i almost wasnt rolling my eyes at crixus until he basically said agron was worthless. SIGH.
then there is a great bit where this german dude is like "YO ONEMAIUS SING WITH ME AND SHARE MY WOMEN," not paraphrasing.
but then, and god, theres always one who has to ruin everything, this gigantic german dude tries to rape naevia, and agron is like WTF DUDE MAJOR PARTY FOUL so he jumps the dude and so agron and the dude are beating the shit out of each other, and crixus is just watching and smirking which is actually really funny, except not in context.
so anyway then crixus realises whats going down (because he has superhearing, presumably, since he hears naevia whispering over the sound of the fight even though hes like ten feet away from her) so he's like choking the dude to death, then the other german dudes are like WHAT THE SHIT and basically it erupts into a full-on brawl.
and then spartacus busts in and straight-up headbutts a guy, like POW outta my way, and he's like WHO HAS DARED TO PARTY FOUL MY PARTY WITH RAPE ATTEMPTS?!
and the giant german dude is like IT WAS ME BITCH WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?!
and Spartacus CHOPS OFF THE DUDES FACE.
And his BRAINS FALL OUT.
And everyone is like WHOAH WHAT THE FUCK SPARTACUS THERE IS BRAINS AND FACE EVERYWHERE.
(also, crixus has HILARIOUS what-the-fuck face. i watched this scene like four times because i couldnt stop laughing at his expression, it is great)
and spartacus is like, now are you bitches going to fucking behave or do i have to turn this rebellion around and send you all back to slavery?!
and everyone is like HOLY SHIT WE'LL BE GOOD PLEASE WE LIKE HAVING FREEDOM AND ALSO FACES.
then spartacus is like, this seems like a good time for a speech! and the germans do this weird chestbeating thing which, i dunno, means "you made your point no speeches ok?"
ugh, then creepy roman guy and the sister have sex, which i totally didnt need to see, and then there is a cart surrounded by chopped up body parts, which is also unsettling but less so than creepy roman guy sex.
and it turns out mangled corpse bits are just gannicus's way of saying "thanks for the various job offers, xena and creepy roman guy, but for my counteroffer, how about i leave you a tatted-up ashurette with my freedom stick JABBED IN HIS FUCKING NECK?!"
and ashur is like, ...so that's a no, right?
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no subject
Date: 2013-09-05 03:33 am (UTC)I confess though -- I totally shipped Seppia and Gaius Claudius Full-Frontalus Glaber. They were all shades of jacked up but I like that in a pairing. And I appreciate a man who isn't scared of the full frontal.
I recall Crixus being like extra special pissy in this episode. Like Naevia fed him some Pissy Pills he was so on it. Poor Sparty must have felt like he was baby-sitting most of the time.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-05 07:36 pm (UTC)Ugh, I just saw the roman guy sausage fest ep and I was like OH MY GOD DIDNT NEED TO SEE THAT. Also I just twigged that the roman guy is actually Haldir from LOTR and I can't decide if he was always creepy and the blond wig made him hot, or he just got creepy over the years, or he's just a much better actor than I assumed and REALLY GOOD at being super-dislikable.
I am just waiting for someone to ask Crixus when his time of the month is, because it seems like every week is shark week for that guy.
I don't get how Agron was at all out of line in this episode - it seems to me that if you send a dude to rescue a boatload of slaves, and he has the choice between a ship of his own dudes, a ship of different dudes, and a ship of dudes nobody likes, CLEARLY he will pick his own dudes. And Gauls and East-of-the-Rhinelanders are equally hard, so what was Spartacus getting on his case about?
I loved that Spartacus was basically the hapless comedy dad trying to keep his squabbling toddlers in line for most of the episode and then suddenly he was like, "THATS IT, NO TV OR FACES FOR ANYONE!" amd now everyone is like, "you're the chief and we totes respect that!"
no subject
Date: 2013-09-06 01:34 am (UTC)ITA on Agron. I don't see where what he did was so wrong either. Of course he'd want to free his own people and bring them into the fold. If Crixus is any indication, who'd want more Gauls around anyhow? There's not that much Midol in the universe to handle a bunch of Crixus-es at one time. Sparty would find the Romans and beg them to crucify him just to be free of them.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-07 11:35 pm (UTC)Oh my God, now I am imagining a whole country of Crixuses (Crixii?) and it is horrible and hilarious all at once. I think if they were all like Crixus, they would neve have survived long enough for the rimans to steal them as slaves - that whole bit of Europe would have imploded into a swirling vortex of sourdom before the legion dudes were even half-way there.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-07 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-08 12:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-08 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-08 05:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-08 06:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-09 07:59 pm (UTC)OH GANNICUS. I love how he only pulls out the assless chaps when it's time for SERIOUS FIGHTING and the rest of the time he's basically wearing a ye olde variation of bermuda shorts.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-09 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-10 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-10 09:38 pm (UTC)Or pants. Or underwear. I could foresee hilarity as they tried to figure out how sunglasses work.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-12 07:03 pm (UTC)Gannicus would be like, "trousers, huh? no worries dudes, I got this!" and then he grabs some scissors and BOOM! Assless chaps are now a worldwide trend. Which sound great til you remember that most dudes do not have bodies like the cast of Spartacus.