...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Dudes, Outrageous Fortune is so good, I am completely amazed by both its non-shoddiness and its entire lack of ridiculous facepaint and zombie sheep. Also, Antonia Prebble can actually act* (and is a bit hot too), the psycho peadophile bootcamp instructor who debauches Lex is kind of awesome and likable and not a creepy violent child-molester at all and Van is so adorable, oh my God, there should be a show that is just Van and Munter running around being stoned and ineffective and beautiful.

Also, and totally unrelated, Jared Leto so needs a new show. He's pretty, and all of my favourite shows have either ended or started to suck in the not-fun way, and his band is fucking awful, so clearly he needs to be back on television. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of myself and El Snithador, we have been unable to come up with the perfect vehicle for Jared Leto's particular brand of prettiness and indeterminate acting abilities.

I think the problem is that the stuff he's been in doesn't really give us a handle on what he can and can't do. I mean, let's break down Jared Leto's key strengths, as demonstrated in his most memorable roles:

• My So-Called Life: He plays Jordan Catalano, a role that consists of leaning against things and making goo-goo eyes at Claire Danes. Oh, and Brian in that one really strange episode where the show went all Cyrano on us.
  
• American Psycho: Christian Bale hits him in the face with an axe. Everyone laughs. Yes, it was fucking hilarious, but it seems like Batbale did all the work in that scene.
  
• Alexander: He wears a lot of eyeliner and follows Colin Farrell around while gazing at him in adoration. This isn't actually acting at all, as everyone has that reaction to Colin Farrell. Don't believe me? Watch the extras, Oliver Stone does the exact same thing every time Colin is on set.

So, what we need is a show that allows him to be pretty and a bit gay, without having to keep up with any actors who are prettier or more talented than him and without requiring to do anything too difficult, like excessive emoting or long speeches. I've also ruled out the following things:

• No shows about vampires. There's no point doing anything with vampires while True Blood is on the air, because Alan Ball is just going to laugh at us and pee in our faces. If this was a couple of years ago when all we had to contend with was Moonlight and Blood Ties, it would be different, but True Blood will outclass us and make us look bad.
  
• No shows with Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, the Dave or Daddy Winchester. They're all hotter and/or better at acting than Jared, and that's not allowed.
  
• No shows about werewolves. Jared is a girly pretty-boy, and there have been enough non-manly werewolves in the past without him adding to their degradation.

Anything else is fair game, and so I open the floor to suggestions. Jared fights crime? Jared does crime? Jared is in space? Pitch your ideas in the comments, post them in your own LJ, make them an entry on 30SecondsToMarsSuckMonkeyBalls: go nuts! Let's start the Jared Leto TV Revival, and bring passable good looks and mediocre talent back to our screens where he belongs!

*Michelle Ang, however, cannot.

Dudes, I would just like to point out that if there was some kind of big vampire convention and all the fictional vampires got invited, Edward Cullen would not be allowed to sit at the Awesome Table. In fact, he wouldn't even get a table. He would have to sit huddled in the corner where the rising damp is, with the other rejects like Mick from Moonlight and Henry from Blood Ties. And all the vampires at the Awesome Table like Angelus and Eric and David would laugh at them and make mocking and hurtful remarks and possibly throw things.

Wah! I was trying to watch Eerie, Indiana today and my DVDs are totally wrecked and skippy. I'm so gutted! So then I tried to get over it by watching Hocus pocus, but it was not the same at all.

Anyway, now I'm watching the latest episodes of True Blood and oh my God, how much does Steve Newlin want to bone Jason? And Jason's all, yes, this is what God's love feels like, and I'm like, dude, no, that is what having your balls cupped by a religious insaniac feels like, and also, run away! Poor Jason. I love him. And he wears a clip-on, aww! So stylin'!

Also, Eric! "Do I have blood in my hair?" for the win! And ( SPOILER FOR THE START OF SEASON TWO ) yay! And Admiral Cain is in it, and she's totally awesome and terrifying and makes everyone crazy, and Sam is almost not-hatable. Yay!

On a completely seperate note, I think I have accidently turned my bunnies into junkies. See, Kagame keeps jumping out of her pen at night and running around knocking shit over and making a ton of noise, so lately I've started steeping a little valerian root in hot water and putting it in their drinking bottle in an attempt to get her to chill the fuck out. And they are definately more sedate, which is what I was going for, but now they drink like a litre and a half a day and they go really crazy everytime I fit a fresh bottle, like totally wrestling each other to get to it.

I should probably feel bad, but whatever, at least now I can sleep through the night and not have two stone of rabbit pile-drive me awake around 3am.

New John Connolly book, oh my God, the awesomeness! If you have not read it, you must do so at once or risk being eaten by sharks. Vampire sharks. Vampire zombie sharks. Wearing hats!

Also he is doing a signing in Borders this Friday FTW! Tune in that night to hear me squeeing and giggling and generally acting fangirly.

Also, those Charlaine Harris books are a bit lame, yet oddly compelling. I'm aware they're pretty much vampire bodice rippers, but I care not!

ETA: Oh my God, save me dudes! Papa Froodle wants us to go to the Great Yorkshire Argricultural Show today. He's just been on the website reading aloud details of such enticing activities as a "cattle parade" and a "pig of the year" competition. I mean, we're from the Isle of Man, you'd think that he'd had enough farming-related delights in his lifetime.

Do you think that if I could get a doctor to certify me as being wanktard-intolerent, I could go on permanent medical leave and never work again? Because pretty much all jobs are going to involve some level of wanktardery, and if it was possible I might die from it, they'd pretty much have to pay me incapacity benefit or something, right? That would be awesome.

What is decidedly not awesome is when some numbnuts decides to pull me away from my massive workload in order to "talk to you all about NPS." Dick, I know what NPS is. I am part of the motherfucking trial. I am at my desk every day calling these jizzstain customers back and recording their moronic comments verbatim. I do not need a fucking presentation on your lameass board with it's lameass charts. I MADE THE FUCKING CHARTS! I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN, DILHOLE! And it especially pisses me off when I am subjected to their idiotic attempt at a peptalk. I do not respond well to peptalks. I don't respond well to pep. In particular, I do not respond well to peptalks about how a certain thing is working fabulously when I know that is not the case because, and pay attention here, I AM PART OF THE GODDAMN TRIAL TEAM! Do not fucking lie to me, I am by nature both smart and cynical, and when someone shines shit and tries to call it gold it makes me very fucking cranky indeed!

Urgh!

In other news, I think there should be a show that is made up of characters who are either too good for their original show or who wound up being screwed over on it. Lafayette from True Blood and T-Bear from Supernatural would be the stars and they would fight crime, in between T-Bear's bouts of crying and attempting to kill himself and Lafayette's secondary but much for lucrative career as a go-go dancer. Josef from Moonlight would be the local crime kingpin - he'd sort of be their stated enemy, but really it would be one of those relationships where they have a grudging kind of respect for each other and sometimes Josepf would help them out dealing with other, baddier baddies. The main baddie would be the Carver from Nip/Tuck, only back when the Carver was still really fucking terrifying, before we found out it was just dumb old Quentin behind the mask. Zack Addy would be the adorkable gender-ambiguous lab assistant nature always intended him to be, and everyone would keep a stern eye on him to make sure it stayed that way. Mark Anthony would pop up every now and then as a time-travelling manwhore/adventurer - a bit like Jack Harkness only not rubbish or in Wales. Also, Jeremy Renner would get to be in it all the time and not die.

Urgh. I had this whole post planned about how great True Blood is and about how Liamneeson has finally answered my prayers for a series about redneck vampires who don't fight crime or really do anything, but then I came on here and the sheer fugliness of the new profile page caused poison to drip from my eyes and now they burn with agony and I don't feel like it anymore.

ANYWAY! I hope everyone had lots of fun celebrating the holy trifecta of awesomeness that is Halloween-Bonfire Night-Froodle Day - I have been watching Battlestar Galactica and coming to the conclusion that every show should have one snarky scientist character, because Gaius makes everything so much better through his presence. I may even love him more than Rodney and Kevin, and that is very impressive because I love Rodney and Kevin so much and also neither of them ever accidently destroyed the human race, unlike Baltar. That scene where Gaeta is being a big gay liar and wrecking Badger's stragety of stragetic awesome and Gaius kicks off at him and he's like, "The whole fleet knows this man tried to stab me through the neck. And you missed! Butterfingers!" Favourite line of any episode of BSG, ever. And BSG is hardly short of brilliant lines. I'm not saying I want to get stabbed just so I have the opportunity to use it, but still.