...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

You know what never gets old? Jaynestown. I think I'm going to hold my own Jayneday celebration at some point. Not tonight, though, because I'm too busy being in hysterics over Hoople Steve fucking Bullock's horse to get back at him. That is the ultimate diss; to fuck a man's horse and then write "Bullock I fucked your horse" on the horse you just fucked. From now on, every time somebody pisses me off, I'm going to hire Hoople Steve to fuck their horse. Or women/children/beloved family pets, whatever. You go, Hoople Steve!

In honour of today being Rollo Weeks' birthday, I decided to celebrate with cake and the Thief Lord movie. And the first twenty minutes of Attila, after which I couldn't take any more of Powers Boothe chowing down on that lovely scenery and went to watch Phantom of the Opera instead. What? It's mask-themed!

Oh, and how much is that "Upper Skies" song the Scipio/Prosper love theme? I don't know who they think they're fooling, trying to make us buy into the Prosper/Hornet thing; methinks Riccio's gaydar is as bad as his teeth.

Have discovered that Attila is much improved on a second watching. Once you accept the fact that it's rubbish and tune out the Accent of Doom(tm), you can concentrate on the bits that are actually good. Or rather, hilarious.

Reg Rogers as Emperor Valentinian is brilliant. I was killing myself laughing at every scene he was in - the slouch, the dangling arms, that uncomprehending expression whenever anyone tried explaining anything to him; I was in hysterics. That scene where he discovers his sister is planning to depose him with the help of her chamberlain, and he shrieks "Honoria is plotting against me... with her butler?!" made me laugh so hard I actually missed the next few minutes of dialogue. Also, Attila's face when he's introduced to Valentinian is priceless - he glances at him, and then stares at Flavius Aetius with this "You have got to be kidding me" expression.

The scene with Orestes when Attila is trying to build a Roman bath is wonderful:

Orestes: So, apparently Theodosius has dispatched some sooper-sekrit ninja assassins to kill you.
Attila: Why is my bath not ready?
Orestes: Well, we have to transport the marble over 3000 miles...
Attila: I want a bath.
Orestes: Building a heated bath is very tricky.
Attila: You have three days.
Orestes: But...
Attila: Three days.
Orestes: *sigh* Okay. Fine. So, about these assassins...
Attila: OMG I WANT A BATH WHY IS MY BATH NOT BUILT BITCHBITCHWHINEWHINE!
Orestes: *eyetwitch*

And then later:

Orestes: The bath is built.
Attila: Woo!
Orestes: Shall I fetch your million and one wives?
Attila: Yeah, that's coo- oooooooh hey, who's that slavegirl?
Orestes: I don't know. I can find out.
Attila: Yes. And bring her to me. And some pie!
Orestes: And the bath?
Attila: The bath bores me.
Orestes: *eyetwitch*

Other highlights include: Galen jumping up behind Attila and scaring the crap out of him, Attila being unnerved by the flirty charioteer at a royal banquet, Attila being startled by the hot water the first time he uses a Roman bath, Attila looking totally unimpressed by all the Roman officials Valentinian introduces him to, and Attila making Crazy Eyes at anyone who challenges him.

Also, Gerard Butler is shirtless and scantily-clad for much of the film, and has nice hair and manly stubble. Hey, I never claimed to have depth.