...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

So, in case it wasn't obvious, I've seen the Da Vinci Code. And it was awful. I cannot use strong enough terms to warn people away from this travesty of justice. Tom Hanks should be shot, Dan Brown should be crucified, and that silly French bird needs a one-way ticket to the Reject Bin. Even Sir Ian could not rescue this film from the swirling vortex of pure shitty movie-ness that it creates. Were this movie a living thing, I would recommend cutting off all its limbs and throwing it in a pool of molten lava as a punishment merely for existing.

I did, however, see the trailer for PotC2, the new Bond film and Poseidon. To take the last first, why?! I mean, come on, the original TV series was rubbish anyway - and not in the fun way that 70s tv shows can sometimes be - the new one was rubbish even though it had Jayne and he was all wet, why the fuck did they decide there needed to be a movie? This goes with Underworld 2 and Dr Dolittle 3 in the "what were they thinking?" pile. It's also advertised as coming "From the director of Troy and the Perfect Storm", which serves more as a warning label than a reccomendation. PotC2 looks, unsuprisingly, totally awesome. There's a weird Cthulhu-pirate (he wears a hat!) and Johnny Depp in eyeliner and sexy facial tattoos. I think that's really all that needs to be said. James Bond looks suprisingly not-boring, mostly because of Daniel Craig and Judi Dench, but I probably won't bother seeing it anyway. Just because this one might suck less than every other James Bond movie ever made doesn't mean it won't still suck.

I cannot believe they're making another Sharpe movie. Don't get me wrong, I harbour a deep and abiding affection for Sean Bean's ass in those tight breeches the original series, but come on! Am I the only one who saw Troy? Sean Bean's like seventy years old. They're going to have him pushing a frickin' Zimmerframe across India, "dramatic tension" arising when his arthritic hands can't fire the bloody rifle in the heat of battle and the only way he's goin to rip anybody's bodice is if Emily from the Corpse Bride happens to be available. It's going to be that episode of Kim Possible where Drakken creates an army of old people all over again, only not good.

On the other hand, the opposing side is going to be fucking terrified when they realise that Britain can apparently raise the dead and force them to fight for us. Bet Napolean wishes he'd thought of that.

In other news, a shiny meme:

1. Post a list of up to 20 books/movies/anime/TV shows/video games/etc. that you've had an obsessive fannish love of at some time in your life.
2. Have your friends list guess your favourite character from each item.

1. Escaflowne
2. Angel
3. Buffy - Xander - Snithy
4. Firefly - Jayne - Snithy
5. Wolf's Rain - Hige aka Fluffy - Hex and, by a process of elimination, _doompixie_
6. Watership Down - Thlayli/Bigwig - Hex
7. Master and Commander (movie) - Jack - Snithy
8. Eerie, Indiana - Dash X - ajmckay
9. Big Wolf on Campus - Vince - ajmckay
10. Hornblower - Ickle Midshipman Archie - Snithy and enednoviel
11. LOTR (movies) - Merry - Snithy
12. Battlestar Galactica (the new one)
13. Invader Zim - Gaz - _doompixie_
14. Good Omens - Zira - Hex
15. Saiyuki
16. Rurouni Kenshin
17. Orphen - Hartia - Hex
18. Moomins - Snufkin - _doompixie_
19. Smallville - Lex - ajmckay
20. Nip/Tuck - Christian - ajmckay

James still getting on my nerves. At lunch today, we were talking about where we see ourselves in five or ten years time. Jess was lying in the sun in a villa in Spain while Alan chased a toddler in waterwings around their garden. James was living in an apartment building with a doorman in London. I was about to describe my house with it's huge library, squishy sofas of Doom and three kitties, when James says, in the most obnoxious "hoho, look at me embarrass and discomfort you" voice known to man, "And Catherine of course will be playing with her vibrator".

Okay, asshole. I realise that you are bitter because I have steadfastly rejected your sickening advances since some time in October. I realise that you "need" a relationship in order to justify your pathetic existance. I realise that a lot of this comes from your control freak of a mother, whom you lack the testicular fortitude to stand up to on even the most basic of issues. I even acknowledge that the collective jokes about you being gay probably didn't help, although, to paraphrase Alan, "it was alright when you were just a ponce, but I don't like you now you've turned into a pervy hetro", and also, I realise that I can't stop you having these revolting thoughts about me any more than you can stop me entertaining vivid fantasies about knocking your teeth so far down your throat that you'd be shitting molars until graduation.

But I'll thank you to shut the fuck up and stop going out of your way to make me uncomfortable or angry in public. I tolerate you at the moment because we have the same friends, but I am very, very close to losing my temper with your inappropriate touching and even more inappropriate comments.

Of course, his fucktardery did lead to inadvertant hilarity when I announced that I planned on owning a whole harem of vibrators, and that I would give them all names:

Froodle: And every time I got a new obsession with a character or an actor or something, I'd buy a new one and name it after them.
Jessica: Would you have an Erik one?
Froodle: Of course. Fifteen inches of black latex, with an ickle white half-mask over the head.
Jessica: Heehee, oooh, he could have a little soundchip in him so that when you're using him, he goes "Sing, my Angel of Music!" in Gerard Butler's voice.
Froodle: Oh man, that would rock So Hard.
Jessica: You'd have to buy him a Christine one, though. So he wouldn't get lonely.
Froodle: Aww, that would be so cute! They could go on little dates to the underwear drawer!
Jessica: I wonder what a Christine vibrator would look like... probably those pink and sparkly jelly ones.
Froodle: Ewww no, those remind me of Orlaris*. I don't want an Orlaris vibrator. Blue and sparkly would be okay, though. Or purple.
Jessica: What would you call them?
Froodle: I dunno, I'd have to get to know them first, so I can pick out a name that really suits them. I totally want an Erik vibrator now, though.
Jessica: Him and Christine could have little baby vibrators.
Froodle: Oooh, like those ones that are about three inches long and you can put them in your bag and carry them around with you?
Jessica: If you get one that's three inches long, I insist you call it Raoul.

And at that point, we laughed so hard that the thread of the conversation was lost and we went back to discussing Foucaultian constructs. Poor Raoul.

*Orlaris: Orlando Bloom as Paris. See also Bradchilles, Alexarrell and Jarphaestion, among others.

Had Evidence seminar today - time-travelling tie man was in a snit and generally acting like a complete twat for the first hour, humiliating people who didn't give him the answers he wanted and just being a berk. He calmed down after a while and at the end he apologized and said he was having family problems and his kids were keeping him awake.

What. The. Fuck.

Listen, dickwad, nobody put a fucking gun to your head and forced you to breed. Leave your goddamn personal life at home; you get no sympathy from me.

Fucktard.

Afterwards, went into town to buy bedding for Thlayli and returned with shiny new manga and a new skirt, thus proving I have absolutely no willpower. On more positive note, think I have found the dress I'll wear to the Law Ball. Asked Marcus to put it aside for me until parental units arrive. Marcus and I had the whole Alexander vs Achilles conversation, and decided that Colin Farrell emerged as a clear winner for the following reasons:

Colin Farrell is Irish, and the Irish are known to be scrappers.

Brad Pitt is American and the Americans are known to be, well, American.

Colin Farrell has the Eyebrows of Intimidation.

Colin Farrell can actually act.

Colin Farrell is better looking.

Colin Farrell/Jared Leto is about 53496845906745967945 times hotter than Brad Pitt/ugly no-name actor who played Patroclus.

Achilles would have to pause every few seconds during a fight to pose and make that stupid gormless face that he made throughout Troy.

Colin Farrell is just TUFF.

Then we started talking about whether Hector or Alexander would win in a fight, but we couldn't decide because:

1) Australians and Irish people are about equal in terms of TUFFness

2) Eric Bana is the Hulk and could smash Colin Farrell, but Colin Farrell is Bullseye and he could just shoot the Hulk from miles away.

On balance, I think Colin Farrell emerges ahead, because he survived a film with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Gardner in it, and clearly anyone who emerges unscathed from such a typhoon of shittiness must be uberTUFF.

You go, Colin Farrell.

I had my last Jurisprudence seminar today. I'm going to miss it like crazy next semester. Today's topics of discussion:

1) Americans don't have jurisprudence. They just steal it from us and add some references to baseball and the holes in doughnuts to make it sound more American.

2) American chocolate tastes foul and makes you fatter than English or Canadian chocolate. Someone somewhere is rubbing their hands together and laughing evilly.

3) Probably not George Bush, though, since he lacks the intellectual capacity needed for evil laughter.

4) We miss Bill Clinton. His scandals were funny.

5) If George Bush got a blowjob in the White House, he still wouldn't get kicked out; people would just say it made him more human. Also, said blowjob would probably be from Tony Blair.

6) Hercules is merely a device for injecting some homoerotic subtext into work that would otherwise just be baseball analogies and doughnut holes.

7) Whether Colin Farrell as Alexander is better than Brad Pitt as Achilles (a fairly even split on this, although we agree unanimously that Orlando Bloom as Paris sucks and that the fight scene between him and Redbeard was hilarious: "Oh shit, crows!")

Went shopping for Christmas tack today with Alan and Jess. Living room now illuminated by wire mesh snowflakes, blue icicles and a translucent fibre-optic tree who I like to call Muraki. When you switch everything on, it's almost as bright as having the lamp on.

Also bought set of very tacky pink angel lights, which we spent the evening painting with Warhammer paint. Jessica made Maleficent and Aurora from Sleeping Beauty, Alan made a robot, an alien and a priest, and I made Crowley, Aziraphale and Legato. Much fun was had by all.

Afterwards we ate takeout and watched Troy, which Alan bought this afternoon, prompting many comments from Jess and I about his love for Brad Pitt in a skirt. Have decided Troy is much better when viewed with accompanying friends commentary, which included:

( Cut for possible spoilers and general silliness )