(no subject)

[froodle]

So, today the vile and filthy Hannah forced me to go see the new Pride and Prejudice with her so that she might indulge her unwholesome lust for Keira Knightley's angry tadpole-shaped eyebrows. And... it was terrible. Oh, don't get me wrong, Judi Dench and Donald Sutherland were every bit as awesome as usual, but Keira Knightley just really needs to be killed, or at least forced never to act again on pain of being killed, and Matthew MacFadyen is less "aloof and aristocratic Mr Darcy" and more "sweet and socially inept Angel". I swear, at one point he actually makes David Boreanaz's patent "please don't seduce me" face. And while God knows I love socially retarded!Angel, MacFadyen doesn't even have the decency to do the Angel dance or turn into a puppet, and therefore it makes me sad.

And that's not even the worst of it. Oh no. Prizes go to Rosamund Pike for the blandest, most insipid Jane ever to make it to film (yes, I'm biased, and yes, I love Susannah Harker and wish to bear her babies, but seriously, Pike is quite possibly more irritating than Keira "Angry Tadpoles of DOOM" Knightley), and to Simon Woods for one creepy-ass interpretation of Charles Bingley. I'm serious, every time he smiles at Jane, he's totally imagining peeling her skin off with a knife and stitching a suit out of it. Not to mention, he has the stupidest hairstyle imaginable and he's ginger.

However, my suffering was not in vain, since I may now force Hannah to go see one movie I want to see that she doesn't. It was going to be Serenity, but after suffering through that travesty of justice, I feel that she no longer deserves Space Pirate Cowboy Opera in the style of Joss Whedon, and am thinking of dragging her to see Land of the Dead. Because zombies are frickin' awesome, and also Serenity isn't out for ages yet.

And now, I go to watch The Importance of Being Earnest and Chocolat. Feel the Judi Dench love!

Comments

[dissident-dream.livejournal.com]

I'm going to live to regret this aren't i....

[froodle]

Oh yes. If not for the fact that my hatred for Adam Sandler is such that I would rather swallow my own head than watch a film with him in, I would force you to go and see that. But as it is... zombies or space. Or maybe zombies in space. I wonder if there'll be zombies in Serenity...

[dissident-dream.livejournal.com]

Oh hell

[froodle]

*evil laugh*

[queenofthorns.livejournal.com]

Hee! Well, I am terribly sorry you hated the movie, but it was a most enlightening and fun review ;)

[clay-mans-maker.livejournal.com]

do reavers count?

[froodle]

No, because zombies are awesome and funny, whereas Reavers are scary as fuck.

[imbeiaiel.livejournal.com]

Now that's what worries me about that version of P&P - never been to keen on Keira Knightley - she just seems too inspid to play Elizabeth. Of course she's pretty and she wasn't too bad in PotC but she's just a bit bland for my tastes. What I want to watch is Tom Hollander as Mr Collins - now that I'd pay to see. Heee - I'm scared of Bingley now. Is Darcy really like I'mintouchwithmyfeelings!Angel? Argh!

[clay-mans-maker.livejournal.com]

look, shut up, they both wear the skin of the dead.
and how the fuck can a tadpole be angry? tadpoles stop at cannibalism, in terms of anger, they are sodding jedi.


reavers, zombies, tadpoles. All the Same! *shock*

[froodle]

Tom Hollander was actually really great - every time he spoke my skin tried to crawl off me and out of the cinema. He was such a perfectly contemptable Mr Collins. Even the scene where he proposes to Elizabeth and she shoots him down and the door opens and all her sisters are there giggling inspididly at him like the vindictive little bitches they are, I couldn't feel sorry for him. He was a lot more unpleasent than David Bamber in the same role; I always kind of pitied him. Hollander's Mr Collins came across as being capable of real spitefulness if crossed.

MacFadyen... okay, remember way back in the first series when Cordy has that party and the sandwich girl is trying to talk to Angel and he has absolutely no idea what to say, and she asks him to dance and he disses her, but it's completely by accident? That's his version of Darcy. Or when Nina asks him what he's doing for breakfast and he's like, "Drinking blood." Except that's totally Mr Psycho Killer Bingley's job, of course. There's this bit at the ball where he's following Jane, and he reaches out and fondles the material of her dress; I think it's supposed to be this sweet, poignant moment of unfulfilled longing, but in reality, it's Erik and Christine's stockings all over again. Only without Gerard Butler to make it fun rather than creepy.

[froodle]

Thanks for the compliment :) I'm still waiting for someone to hire me to just write reviews of movies I hate. I never have much to say about movies I enjoyed (other than "OMG SQUEE! OMG MONKEYS! OMG COLIN FARRELL IN A MINI-SKIRT!" etc), but I'm quite capable of ranting for hours over exactly how crappy a crappy movie was. And this one was crappy on an epic scale.

[froodle]

Yeah, but with zombies, it's their own skin, so that makes it okay.

And if you believe tadpoles are Jedi, and Reavers and Zombies are the same as tadpoles, does that mean you think that Jedi are crazy cannibalistic space-rapist zombies?

You're crazy. *picks you up by the top of your head and slides you under the bed*

[clay-mans-maker.livejournal.com]

was there ever any doubt?

[imbeiaiel.livejournal.com]

See - they should have gotten Gerard Butler to play Bingley. Or he could have multitasked and played Darcy too. He'd have undercut all the daft romantic nonsense with a bit of singing and striding around in fancy outfits. I'm glad that Tom Hollander was good - Mr Collins should be a mix of "urk! He's making my skin crawl" and "should we feel a bit sorry for him? Nah".

[froodle]

You're under the bed. You don't get to talk any more.

[clay-mans-maker.livejournal.com]

so... is this a metaphorical place?
oh Hi Raoul!

... no raoul, that's not a spider

... no raoul, i wouldnt touch that, no it's not honey

... shut up raoul.

[froodle]

They should have gotten Gerard Butler to play Bingley. He'd have undercut all the daft romantic nonsense with a bit of singing and striding around in fancy outfits.

That is genius. May I Metaquote?

Gerard Butler in a frilly shirt would have completely made up for any Keira Knightley hate. Plus I think we all want to see Mr Darcy jumping around and singing, ala the musical episode of Buffy.

[froodle]

*giggles*

Oh dear. Suddenly I feel so sorry for Erik, that must be what his life is like every day.

[clay-mans-maker.livejournal.com]

Pfft. he loves it.
sick.Fuck.

[froodle]

Well, he is horrendously insane, after all.

[imbeiaiel.livejournal.com]

Of course you can :)

I saw the movie yesterday and surprisingly didn't want to throttle Keira (too much). Bingley was creepy though. What on earth happened to Wickham?

[froodle]

Oh my God, I totally forgot about Wickham. How much was he a poor man's Orlando Bloom? He even had the patent Stupid Wispy Will Turner Beard from POTC.

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

Ouch, that sounds horrendous. A friend of mine, who is seriously passionate about Austen, darkens every time a bus goes past advertising Keira Knightley in what looks like a highly unauthentic fringe [bangs to the Americans].

I adore Dench, but I think they did an appalling job of that film of Earnest, and somehow managed to spoil several fine actors whom you'd have thought were born to play Wilde (OK, her and Everett, the rest were dreadful as I recall. No, Mr Firth, Jack Worthing is not actually the same part as Mr Darcy). Dench is just lost in that film, you feel that she's playing in perfectly but it's the way they film it (and my stepfather's seen her play Lady B on stage and testifies that it was extraordinary). Watch the 1952 version if you want to see real fabulosity. The actors can all act, the play hasn't been cut to ribbons and stitched together in ways that wreck all the dialogue, and the sex is delivered at the right level. It's odd that Parker made such a hash of Earnest, considering that his Ideal Husband was great.

[froodle]

Words cannot describe how awful it was. But if they could, they would be words like "rape", "violently" and "with a chainsaw". Oh, and possibly "lava".

Rupert Everett is one of those actors who's always enjoyable, even when the rest of the film is a cesspool of badness. Having said that, I really enjoy the 2002 version of Earnest, strange musical interludes and all.

And also: Stage Beauty icon squee!

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

He's divine as Lord Goring, but I just find his Algernon doesn't quite work. If Parker hadn't been so busy trying to up the sex in that film, it would have been a damn sight better. Wilde is subtle, you can't do him with a sledge-hammer.

Austen with lava. Now there's an idea. I'm still longing for a really good version of Mansfield Park, like the old BBC one only with a production budget of more than £4.50 this time and actors who look young enough for the parts, not to mention children who can act and a slightly less stoned Lady B. Apart from that, it was great, beautiful script, minor characters brought out well, and the incest observed really nicely.

The icon's from poisoninjest, who is the creator of many a marvellous icon.

[froodle]

And you have Death and the Penguin iconage! I think I must marry you now.

Having watched the 1999 movie, I'm convinced that Mansfield Park is Star Wars. Because Lady Bertram? Is Yoda. For serious. "A puppy you shall have, young Fanakin, hmm, yes."

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

I've not seen either the 1999 film or Star Wars, but I am definitely intrigued. I think the old BBC one was portraying her as a laudanum addict, judging from the way she acted. They were certainly having fun with the dodgy stuff beneath the surface, all the weird power relationships and - sorry, I'm back to the incest again, but it really fascinates me in that text. Fanny Price was played as the neurotic weirdo she is, I don't know why so many people think she's a boring perfect creature.

I know I'm bisexual and this isn't meant to matter, but before I consider your proposal of marriage, kind sir/madam, would you mind telling me what your gender is? If you're a gay man, you're in.

The Misha icon I made myself, on the suggestion of, er, someone who quoted suitable bits from the text when I couldn't think of what to put in. A friend of mine has borrowed it and is now on Penguin Lost thanks to that icon, so I feel I've done my duty in the world.

[imbeiaiel.livejournal.com]

If you can't grow a proper beard why bother? :)