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Sep. 3rd, 2013 05:44 amSo here is what's happening in Spartacusland:
Naevia and Crixus were reunited and it was TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL OH MY GOD and they hugged and the other rebel dudes were all totally crying with happiness for them (you didnt see it, but they totally were).
Mira and Spartacus tried to get Gannicus to be in their gang, but Gannicus was like, "ive seen this movie, everyone gets crucified, no way losers."
The roman dude has decided to blame all his rubbishness on Ashur, and Ashur is like, "ok i am easily the most horrible person in this entire show, but to be fair, you were a useless spastic before my character was ever introduced" and the roman dude is like, "HOW DARE YOU YOU'RE GETTING PUNISHED now fight my eighteen guys" because obviously he's too much of a pussy to fight anyone except an old squished dude trapped under a building.
So Ashur beats up like fifty guys, like POW, then the roman dude is like, okay, go find a bunch of murderous tardbeasts to be your minions, im sure this wont come back on me in any way, so Ashur goes and gets a bunch of super ugly dudes to be his henchmen and is now even more powerful, jeez, that roman dude is a fucking idiot.
then ashur rape lucy lawless, but fuck her, im basically over all the romans in this show except maybe the brother and sister who are possibly sleeping together.
then, oh, this is horrible - Crixus and Naevia are being beautiful like always but then Naevia is having like INSANE trauma and she basically runs away crying and oh, oh, they are giving me all the sadness right now!
Okay, then blahblahblah romans, then Spartacus is like, "so Crixus, should we try to get Gannicus to join our dudes?" not realising that Crixus totally had Gannicus posters on his bedroom wall back at the ludus and is therefore totally incapable of giving an unbiased answer devoid of fangirlish squealing.
So Crixus is like, yeah you should totally convince him, and Spartacus is like, "sweet, a chance to make a speech!" because making speeches is the one thing in the world he loves more than rescuing people.
So Spartacus makes his speech, and Gannicus, who is sat on a wall to ensure MAXIMUM COOLNESS, is just kind of rolling his eyes because he was that kid in highschool who just leaned against stuff and shrugged.
Then Agron tries to apologise to Crixus, but Crixus has totally used up his not-being-a-dick quota for the day, so instead he's like, "it's face-punch-o'clock!" and its great because Spartacus 2 knows right away that it's them and he basically yanks them apart and starts scolding.
So crixus goes off to sulk because being apologised to is basically like being pissed on as far as he's concerned, and Agron's like, fuck this, gonna get some dudes who are less RIDICULOUSLY FUCKING STROPPY, and Gannicus is all, lol motivational fail, and Spartacus is like YOUNG MAN GET TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE.
So, Spartacus drags Gannicus out for some manly hunting, and speechifies at him until all the deer run away.
Then, ohhhhh guys, more of Crixus and Naevia being sad and lovely and beautiful, DUDES THE SADNESS IS IN MY LUNGS oh no!
Romanromanroman, who the fuck cares. there is quite a funny bit where ashur basically terrifies this one roman guy into abandoning his post just by having his goons loiter menacingly, but anyway, blahblah romans.
ohhhhhh, ohhhhhhhhhh, then gannicus and crixus are talking andand so beautiful i literally cannot get sensible when these dudes are onscreen together but anyway Gannicus is like, "you know this whole quest thing is ridic, right?" and crixus is like, "mumblemumble" and gannicus basically tells him to take Naevia and run, i think thats what he said because at that point my uterus exploded so i missed a bit.
okay, then onemaius is awake and gannicus is like, "hey" and onemaius is like, "get the fuck away from me you selfish fucking asshole" and gannicus is all sad and SOB!
so then gannicus is leaving and spartacus is like, "bitch, did you steal our map and our gold?" and gannicus is like, "fuck you, i only steal wives!" and then spartacus is like "LET'S THROW DOWN!" and gannicus is like "BRING IT!" and then FIGHTING HAPPENS but then mira catches the actual map-thief with an arrow to her FACE.
So Spartacus is like, my bad, you're free to go, and gannicus is like, whatever, enjoy your pointless fucking deaths, and he's like, yo crixus and naevia, come with me and be alive, but they've decided that violence is a way better therapy than chilling withgannicus on a pimped out tropical island (in their defence, the orgies that constantly spring up around gannicus would probably be triggering as fuck for Naevia at this point, so its not as ridiculous an idea as it first sounds) and they're like, no, and gannicus is like, "well bye, ill be sad when i hear how you got yourselves killed through DUMBASSERY. Peace out, fucktards!"
Aaaand then it's the last scene and ashur and his dudes are just slaughtering the shit out of a household, and that household is the guy who is maybe sleeping with his sister. then the roman dude shows up doing a passable Palpatine knockoff and chokes the dude to death by stepping on his throat and monologuing evilly, blahblah, some political nonsense, who even cares?
Naevia and Crixus were reunited and it was TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL OH MY GOD and they hugged and the other rebel dudes were all totally crying with happiness for them (you didnt see it, but they totally were).
Mira and Spartacus tried to get Gannicus to be in their gang, but Gannicus was like, "ive seen this movie, everyone gets crucified, no way losers."
The roman dude has decided to blame all his rubbishness on Ashur, and Ashur is like, "ok i am easily the most horrible person in this entire show, but to be fair, you were a useless spastic before my character was ever introduced" and the roman dude is like, "HOW DARE YOU YOU'RE GETTING PUNISHED now fight my eighteen guys" because obviously he's too much of a pussy to fight anyone except an old squished dude trapped under a building.
So Ashur beats up like fifty guys, like POW, then the roman dude is like, okay, go find a bunch of murderous tardbeasts to be your minions, im sure this wont come back on me in any way, so Ashur goes and gets a bunch of super ugly dudes to be his henchmen and is now even more powerful, jeez, that roman dude is a fucking idiot.
then ashur rape lucy lawless, but fuck her, im basically over all the romans in this show except maybe the brother and sister who are possibly sleeping together.
then, oh, this is horrible - Crixus and Naevia are being beautiful like always but then Naevia is having like INSANE trauma and she basically runs away crying and oh, oh, they are giving me all the sadness right now!
Okay, then blahblahblah romans, then Spartacus is like, "so Crixus, should we try to get Gannicus to join our dudes?" not realising that Crixus totally had Gannicus posters on his bedroom wall back at the ludus and is therefore totally incapable of giving an unbiased answer devoid of fangirlish squealing.
So Crixus is like, yeah you should totally convince him, and Spartacus is like, "sweet, a chance to make a speech!" because making speeches is the one thing in the world he loves more than rescuing people.
So Spartacus makes his speech, and Gannicus, who is sat on a wall to ensure MAXIMUM COOLNESS, is just kind of rolling his eyes because he was that kid in highschool who just leaned against stuff and shrugged.
Then Agron tries to apologise to Crixus, but Crixus has totally used up his not-being-a-dick quota for the day, so instead he's like, "it's face-punch-o'clock!" and its great because Spartacus 2 knows right away that it's them and he basically yanks them apart and starts scolding.
So crixus goes off to sulk because being apologised to is basically like being pissed on as far as he's concerned, and Agron's like, fuck this, gonna get some dudes who are less RIDICULOUSLY FUCKING STROPPY, and Gannicus is all, lol motivational fail, and Spartacus is like YOUNG MAN GET TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE.
So, Spartacus drags Gannicus out for some manly hunting, and speechifies at him until all the deer run away.
Then, ohhhhh guys, more of Crixus and Naevia being sad and lovely and beautiful, DUDES THE SADNESS IS IN MY LUNGS oh no!
Romanromanroman, who the fuck cares. there is quite a funny bit where ashur basically terrifies this one roman guy into abandoning his post just by having his goons loiter menacingly, but anyway, blahblah romans.
ohhhhhh, ohhhhhhhhhh, then gannicus and crixus are talking andand so beautiful i literally cannot get sensible when these dudes are onscreen together but anyway Gannicus is like, "you know this whole quest thing is ridic, right?" and crixus is like, "mumblemumble" and gannicus basically tells him to take Naevia and run, i think thats what he said because at that point my uterus exploded so i missed a bit.
okay, then onemaius is awake and gannicus is like, "hey" and onemaius is like, "get the fuck away from me you selfish fucking asshole" and gannicus is all sad and SOB!
so then gannicus is leaving and spartacus is like, "bitch, did you steal our map and our gold?" and gannicus is like, "fuck you, i only steal wives!" and then spartacus is like "LET'S THROW DOWN!" and gannicus is like "BRING IT!" and then FIGHTING HAPPENS but then mira catches the actual map-thief with an arrow to her FACE.
So Spartacus is like, my bad, you're free to go, and gannicus is like, whatever, enjoy your pointless fucking deaths, and he's like, yo crixus and naevia, come with me and be alive, but they've decided that violence is a way better therapy than chilling withgannicus on a pimped out tropical island (in their defence, the orgies that constantly spring up around gannicus would probably be triggering as fuck for Naevia at this point, so its not as ridiculous an idea as it first sounds) and they're like, no, and gannicus is like, "well bye, ill be sad when i hear how you got yourselves killed through DUMBASSERY. Peace out, fucktards!"
Aaaand then it's the last scene and ashur and his dudes are just slaughtering the shit out of a household, and that household is the guy who is maybe sleeping with his sister. then the roman dude shows up doing a passable Palpatine knockoff and chokes the dude to death by stepping on his throat and monologuing evilly, blahblah, some political nonsense, who even cares?
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