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So Spartacus and Mira are in the woods, and its pretty and romantic and they totally just took down bambi's mum, so obviously Spartacus 2 decides this is a great moment for some dead-wife-sad-times, and mira's like, "awesome, another dead wife story, as your girlfriend naturally i fucking love these."

then gannicus shows up and he's like, "yo spartacus, i know we got off to a bad start, what with me pissing all over your cause and you being deluded enough to think you could take me, but let's put that aside and be bros! look, i got you a gift!"

and spartacus is like, "sweet, a present! is it a hat made from cakes?"

and gannicus is like, "way cooler - its another dudes wife!"

and spartacus is like "um... yay?"

so while ashur and the ashurettes search for poodle by basically mutilating dudes and like, not asking a lot of questions, spartacus has dragged poodle down to his murderin' hole and is all like, "gonna kill you poodle!" and she's like "oh shit the kid is totally yours dont kill me!" and spartacus is like, "gannicus literally gives the WORST presents!"

and upstairs, onemaius and gannicus are still on the outs, and crixus is like, "no worries, you guys will totally be besties again," because obviously crixus is the absolute best person to give advice on how to mend a failing bromance, what with how personable and gracious he is.

Oh my god, then there is a totally lovely bit with agron and nasir, and Mira is like "BAM! i am the goddess of expedited sexytimes! go make the internet happy guys!" and Agron and Nasir are like "THANK YOU MIRA!" and the internet is like "YES THANK YOU MIRA!"

so they're off causing fandom to literally explode and Mira is like, "BAM! now i am the goddess of killing whiny roman bitches to protect my man!" and poodle is like "FML is this Jeremy Kyle: Empire Edition or something?"

And then Spartacus busts in like "WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING MIRA I DO NOT WANT YOUR GIFT OF MURDER NOW IT IS BREAKUP TIME!" and Mira's like "wtf" and so was I, but i just remembered that Spartacus doesnt know that Poodle is the one behind forcing him to kill Varro, so it makes more sense now.

Then Gannicus is like, "man, Spartacus was totally unappreciative about my awesome present" and Onemaius is all, "I have so little fucks to give, i am actually in negative fucks right now, go away!" and Gannicus is like, "man, crixus really knows fuck all about repairing damaged bromance!"

so in the end Spartacus is like, "im gonna exchange this unwanted gift of another dudes wife for a cart of swords" and roman dude is like, yeah yeah sweet lets do it, but then at the last minute he's like "HAHAH PRANKED I HATE THAT FUCKING BITCH HAVE A CART OF ASHURETTES INSTEAD!" and Spartacus is like "FML cant bitches just get me amazon vouchers?!"

Then lucy lawless tells the sister that was maybe sleeping with her brother but who now is definately sleeping with the main roman guy that the main roman guy killed her brother who she was maybe sleeping with. So basically its sour times for all the couples that arent agron and nasir.

And Spartacus sets poodle free to enjoy her loveless marriage to a super-creepy roman dude, and he sort of tries to kick sand in her face about her sham marriage and poodle is like, "you're about four episodes too late with that reveltion, but thanks anyway."

and Spartacus is like, LITERALLY NOTHING HAS GONE MY WAY DURING THIS EPISODE ROLL THE FUCKING END CREDITS.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.