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Dec. 3rd, 2008 09:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
froodleThere are days when I really, truly hate my job. Like, even more than usual. This is one of them.
Let us set the scene. Sat at the end of a bank of computers, being slowly crushed to death beneath the massed stupidity of the general public, Froodle toils in ten hour blocks of misery in order to earn a crust of bread and a bowl of thin, mealy gruel. Or, you know, a shitty just-above-minimum wage. Whatever.
The 'phone, that ever-lasting instrument of soul-destroying torment, bleeps. Froodle sighs, a sigh indicative of almost unbearable pain, takes the dread beast off mute, plasters on an erzatz smile and chipper attitude, and speaks:
Froodle: Good morning, welcome to the House of Gas, my name is Froodle, how can I help you today?
The Human Jizzstain: Well, this is the Human Jizzstain and I have been waiting fifteen minutes to get through to you!
This is a lie. Froodle glances at the All-Powerful Saturn Screen of Doom and sees that the longest wait time is 3.36.
Froodle: I'm terribly sorry for the wait, Mister Human Jizzstain, we are extremely busy at the moment, how can I help you?
The Human Jizzstain: Well, you can answer the 'phone faster!
Froodle rolls her eyes and makes the time-honoured gesture for "wanker" in the direction of her computer screen.
Froodle: I'm very sorry for the delay you've experianced, Mister Human Jizzstain; now that you're through to me, what can I help you with?
The Human Jizzstain: Well, I want to give you a meter reading for my gas.
Froodle: Fantastic, can I take that off you now?
The Human Jizzstain: Yes, it's 1234.
Froodle: And is that reading from today?
The Human Jizzstain: Yes.
Froodle: Great, your balance today is [XXXX]. Just so you know, your direct debit has been adjusted to-
The Human Jizzstain: NO! NO NO NO! My direct debit is not going to change!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, in order to cover your consumption over the next-
The Human Jizzstain: NO! I am telling you it is staying the same!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, if you would allow me to finish-
The Human Jizzstain: No! I am an old age pensioner! I am nearly eighty and I am telling you my direct debit will stay the same as it always has been!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, if you'll please stop interupting m-
The Human Jizzstain: Listen you, I've been on the 'phone twenty-five minutes now, this is costing me a fortune!
Froodle: Actually, if you've called the number on your bill, this is a freephone number.
The Human Jizzstain: Well I haven't, I got this number from the Yellow Pages, this is an 0845 number.
Froodle: Well, those calls only cost three pence per minute from a landline, but if you have a pen and paper, I will give you our freephone number for future reference.
The Human Jizzstain: Yes!
Froodle: 0800 GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU OBNOXIOUS OLD CUNT ITS NOT MY FAULT YOU CAN'T FUCKING READ.
The Human Jizzstain: Right well I'm still not happy about my direct debit, you're going to leave my direct debit as it is.
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, if you'd allow me to explain-
The Human Jizzstain: No, I'm not interested in your explaination, I want to speak to your manager! You are being impertinant!
Froodle: I'm sorry you feel that way, Mister Human Jizzstain, but if you'd let me try and resolve this for yo-
The Human Jizzstain: I want your name! Give me your name!
Froodle: Okay, my first name is Froodle, with an F, and my last name is Von Froodle. Would you like me to spell that for you?
The Human Jizzstain: Yes I want you to spell it, I've never heard a name like that before, of course I want you to spell it!
Froodle: V-O-N-F-R-O-O-D-L-E.
The Human Jizzstain: Right, well now I have your name, I am going to call a doctor, I have your name, you are giving me a heart attack, I'll give him your name! I want to speak to a manager!
Froodle: Alright, Mister Human Jizzstain, are you okay to hold for a moment while I see if one is available?
Mister Human Jizzstain: Yes.
Froodle places the Human Jizzstain on hold, explains the situation to El Manager, who advises Froodle to put the Human Jizzstain's direct debit down to it's original amount if the Human Jizzstain agrees to pay any remainder at the end of his payment plan.
Froodle: Thank you for holding, Mister Human Jizzstain. I've spoken to my manager and-
The Human Jizzstain: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!
Froodle: Froodle Von Froodle. Would you like me to spell it again?
The Human Jizzstain: No I don't want you to spell it, I've never heard that name before but I have it written down here, I don't want to hear it again!
Froodle: Okay, Mister Human Jizzstain, I've spoken to my manager and-
the Human Jizzstain: You listen to me, I am not paying any more on my direct debit, I have already said that, it's my mon-
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, the more you talk over me and interupt me, the longer this conversation will take. Will you allow me to finish my sentances, please?
The Human Jizzstain: Well go on then, hurry up!
Froodle: As I was about to say, I can put your direct debit back to [ludicrously small amount that will result in you owing a shitload of money on your bill by the end of winter) as long as you understand that this may result in you being in arrears at the en-
The Human Jizzstain: I won't be in arrears, I've told you I won't be in arrears because that's my money and I read the meter too often!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, please allow me to finish. If you are in arrears-
The Human Jizzstain: I won't be I said! Aren't you listening?!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, please don't interupt me again, I am trying to tell you I have a resolution for you. As I was saying, if there are any arrears at the end of your payment plan, you will have to pay those in full at that time. Is th-
The Human Jizzstain: Yes I'll pay the arrears! Never mind all this "Mister Human Jizzstain, Mister Human Jizzstain," I tell you, you've been speaking to me as if I'm extremely unintelligant, I want to speak to your manager.
Froodle: I'm sorry you feel that the way I have spoken to you is impertinant, Mister Human Jizzstain; I feel I have been extremely polite and professional, especially given the way you have been speaking to me. I have treated you with the utmost respect and I feel the least you can do is have the decency to treat me the same way.
The Human Jizzstain: I tell you, I'd hate to have someone at home like you, always going on and on, you must drive your boyfriend mad, I'd hate to live with y-
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, those sort of personal comments are completely unacceptable, and I am now terminating this call.
Froodle hangs up.
I mean, seriously, how retarded do you have to be to pick a fight with someone who not only knows your name, address and telephone number, but also your bank details? Congratulations, Jizzstain, you just made the KILL list. My only quandry now is what to do with his personal information - arrange to have all his bills sent to an address on the other side of the country? Subject him to a rash of magazine subscriptions and credit cards addressed to Mr Gaping Asshole? Set up a bunch of ruinously high direct debits to the Miss Manners How Not To Act Like A Twat On The Telephone hotline and other organisations doing similar good work in the community? Or how about just leaking his bank details to one of the various email fraudsters whose missives end up in my Spam folder on a daily basis? Suggestions on a postcard, please.
Let us set the scene. Sat at the end of a bank of computers, being slowly crushed to death beneath the massed stupidity of the general public, Froodle toils in ten hour blocks of misery in order to earn a crust of bread and a bowl of thin, mealy gruel. Or, you know, a shitty just-above-minimum wage. Whatever.
The 'phone, that ever-lasting instrument of soul-destroying torment, bleeps. Froodle sighs, a sigh indicative of almost unbearable pain, takes the dread beast off mute, plasters on an erzatz smile and chipper attitude, and speaks:
Froodle: Good morning, welcome to the House of Gas, my name is Froodle, how can I help you today?
The Human Jizzstain: Well, this is the Human Jizzstain and I have been waiting fifteen minutes to get through to you!
This is a lie. Froodle glances at the All-Powerful Saturn Screen of Doom and sees that the longest wait time is 3.36.
Froodle: I'm terribly sorry for the wait, Mister Human Jizzstain, we are extremely busy at the moment, how can I help you?
The Human Jizzstain: Well, you can answer the 'phone faster!
Froodle rolls her eyes and makes the time-honoured gesture for "wanker" in the direction of her computer screen.
Froodle: I'm very sorry for the delay you've experianced, Mister Human Jizzstain; now that you're through to me, what can I help you with?
The Human Jizzstain: Well, I want to give you a meter reading for my gas.
Froodle: Fantastic, can I take that off you now?
The Human Jizzstain: Yes, it's 1234.
Froodle: And is that reading from today?
The Human Jizzstain: Yes.
Froodle: Great, your balance today is [XXXX]. Just so you know, your direct debit has been adjusted to-
The Human Jizzstain: NO! NO NO NO! My direct debit is not going to change!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, in order to cover your consumption over the next-
The Human Jizzstain: NO! I am telling you it is staying the same!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, if you would allow me to finish-
The Human Jizzstain: No! I am an old age pensioner! I am nearly eighty and I am telling you my direct debit will stay the same as it always has been!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, if you'll please stop interupting m-
The Human Jizzstain: Listen you, I've been on the 'phone twenty-five minutes now, this is costing me a fortune!
Froodle: Actually, if you've called the number on your bill, this is a freephone number.
The Human Jizzstain: Well I haven't, I got this number from the Yellow Pages, this is an 0845 number.
Froodle: Well, those calls only cost three pence per minute from a landline, but if you have a pen and paper, I will give you our freephone number for future reference.
The Human Jizzstain: Yes!
Froodle: 0800 GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU OBNOXIOUS OLD CUNT ITS NOT MY FAULT YOU CAN'T FUCKING READ.
The Human Jizzstain: Right well I'm still not happy about my direct debit, you're going to leave my direct debit as it is.
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, if you'd allow me to explain-
The Human Jizzstain: No, I'm not interested in your explaination, I want to speak to your manager! You are being impertinant!
Froodle: I'm sorry you feel that way, Mister Human Jizzstain, but if you'd let me try and resolve this for yo-
The Human Jizzstain: I want your name! Give me your name!
Froodle: Okay, my first name is Froodle, with an F, and my last name is Von Froodle. Would you like me to spell that for you?
The Human Jizzstain: Yes I want you to spell it, I've never heard a name like that before, of course I want you to spell it!
Froodle: V-O-N-F-R-O-O-D-L-E.
The Human Jizzstain: Right, well now I have your name, I am going to call a doctor, I have your name, you are giving me a heart attack, I'll give him your name! I want to speak to a manager!
Froodle: Alright, Mister Human Jizzstain, are you okay to hold for a moment while I see if one is available?
Mister Human Jizzstain: Yes.
Froodle places the Human Jizzstain on hold, explains the situation to El Manager, who advises Froodle to put the Human Jizzstain's direct debit down to it's original amount if the Human Jizzstain agrees to pay any remainder at the end of his payment plan.
Froodle: Thank you for holding, Mister Human Jizzstain. I've spoken to my manager and-
The Human Jizzstain: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!
Froodle: Froodle Von Froodle. Would you like me to spell it again?
The Human Jizzstain: No I don't want you to spell it, I've never heard that name before but I have it written down here, I don't want to hear it again!
Froodle: Okay, Mister Human Jizzstain, I've spoken to my manager and-
the Human Jizzstain: You listen to me, I am not paying any more on my direct debit, I have already said that, it's my mon-
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, the more you talk over me and interupt me, the longer this conversation will take. Will you allow me to finish my sentances, please?
The Human Jizzstain: Well go on then, hurry up!
Froodle: As I was about to say, I can put your direct debit back to [ludicrously small amount that will result in you owing a shitload of money on your bill by the end of winter) as long as you understand that this may result in you being in arrears at the en-
The Human Jizzstain: I won't be in arrears, I've told you I won't be in arrears because that's my money and I read the meter too often!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, please allow me to finish. If you are in arrears-
The Human Jizzstain: I won't be I said! Aren't you listening?!
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, please don't interupt me again, I am trying to tell you I have a resolution for you. As I was saying, if there are any arrears at the end of your payment plan, you will have to pay those in full at that time. Is th-
The Human Jizzstain: Yes I'll pay the arrears! Never mind all this "Mister Human Jizzstain, Mister Human Jizzstain," I tell you, you've been speaking to me as if I'm extremely unintelligant, I want to speak to your manager.
Froodle: I'm sorry you feel that the way I have spoken to you is impertinant, Mister Human Jizzstain; I feel I have been extremely polite and professional, especially given the way you have been speaking to me. I have treated you with the utmost respect and I feel the least you can do is have the decency to treat me the same way.
The Human Jizzstain: I tell you, I'd hate to have someone at home like you, always going on and on, you must drive your boyfriend mad, I'd hate to live with y-
Froodle: Mister Human Jizzstain, those sort of personal comments are completely unacceptable, and I am now terminating this call.
Froodle hangs up.
I mean, seriously, how retarded do you have to be to pick a fight with someone who not only knows your name, address and telephone number, but also your bank details? Congratulations, Jizzstain, you just made the KILL list. My only quandry now is what to do with his personal information - arrange to have all his bills sent to an address on the other side of the country? Subject him to a rash of magazine subscriptions and credit cards addressed to Mr Gaping Asshole? Set up a bunch of ruinously high direct debits to the Miss Manners How Not To Act Like A Twat On The Telephone hotline and other organisations doing similar good work in the community? Or how about just leaking his bank details to one of the various email fraudsters whose missives end up in my Spam folder on a daily basis? Suggestions on a postcard, please.
