(no subject)

Okay, I had the most INSANE customer on the 'phone today. Seriously, even by the normal standards of fuckwittery that prevail among patrons of the House of Gas, this guy was a lunatic. Picture the scene: a bent and world-weary Froodle sits chained to her grimy workstation by the dreaded Headset of Pain. All around her, fellow phonemonkeys are slowly having their souls sucked out of them by the ever-lasting torment that is customer service. Her earpiece bleeps. Manfully suppressing the urge to scream "GO AWAY!" into the microphone and hit DISCONNECT, Froodle sits up straight, squares her shoulders, takes a deep breath, and releases the MUTE button.

Froodle: Good afternoon, welcome to My World of Pain, my name is Froodle, how can I help you today?
Fellow Monkey: Hi Froodle, this is Fellow Monkey from A Different Department of Pain.
Froodle: Oh hi Fellow Monkey, what can I do for you?
Fellow Monkey: Did your screen bring up an account for Mr Ultimate Fucktard?
Froodle: At 104 Moron Drive in Tardtown? Yeah, I did.
Fellow Monkey: Cool. Okay, he wants to talk about his electricity bills. And, um, I think I should warn you, he's not the nicest man.
Froodle: Oh God, why?
Fellow Monkey: Well, when I answered the phone and asked him for his reference number, he had a big rant at me for not knowing it. Then when I asked why he was calling, he just said "well why do you think?" and said that I didn't understand.
Froodle: Oh joy. Well, put him through, it's Froodle.
Fellow Monkey: Thanks. *transfers*
Froodle: Good afternoon Mr Ultimate Fucktard, thank you for waiting there, my name is Froodle, how can I help you?
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: *aggressive tone complemented by chavtastic South London accent* Right, I want you to answer my question. Right? It's a simple question, I've got these bills here and what does "debit" mean to you?
Froodle: Debit means money that you owe.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: *long pause* Right. Oh. Okay. Well, I've got nothing to say then.
Froodle: Okay, is there anything else I can help you with?
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: *getting his aggression on* Yeah, actually, you can tell me why I keep getting these bills. I mean, I get them, and then a month later I get another one.
Froodle: Okay Mr Ultimate Fucktard, I see on your electrity account you have had a couple of unscheduled bills. Normally you get four bills every year, once every three months. In your case, they're due in Febuary, May, August and November. We've sent you these along with your gas bill and the bills you've had in April and June were extras issued because you called up during those months, gave us a meter reading and asked how much you owe. So we've billed you to these readings.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Listen, right, you're not understanding me, right, why are you sending me these bills? You don't send me bills alright, I am a bad motherfucker!
Froodle: Mr Ultimate Fucktard, please don't use language like that to me. I have explained to you that you are getting these bills because you call with a reading and ask for an up to date statement of how much you owe.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Look, right, right, you seem like a lovely lass but I'm getting really aggro now, you're making me want to go out and twat some people, I'll be doing that later, I'll be taking it out on some stranger because I can't take it out on you!
Froodle: Mr Ultimate Fucktard, don't speak to me like that and don't threaten me with physical violence, it doesn't impress me and I will terminate the call.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Look, right, you're talking to me like I'm stupid and, let me tell you, I am smart! I'm a badass, me, and you know my wife? My wife, right, she's a doctor, and we're intelligant people but we like to act hard sometimes! I just want to know why you're sending me these bills, I don't want these bills!
Froodle: Mr Ultimate Fucktard, I've already told you, we're sending these bills because you call up and ask to be billed to date. Those two extra bills are ones that you have requested. We send you bills every three months anyway, if you don't want the extra bills, you don't need to call us with readings and ask for another bill.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Right, well I'm never giving your company a meter reading again, every time I give you a reading, you send me a bill! I just give you the readings so I can see if I'm up to date with what I owe!
Froodle: And you're not, which is why you get the bills. As I said, we'll send you one every quarter anyway, you don't need to call us with readings in-between the billing cycle.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Look, alright, you're sat there thinking I'm stupid, well I'm not stupid, you're stupid, you're stupider than I thought because you don't understand!
Froodle: No, Mr Ultimte Fucktard, you are the one who doesn't understand. I have explained to you repeatedly that if you give us a reading and ask for a statement of what you owe, you will get a statement showing what you owe and be expected to pay for it. Don't call me stupid again, this is the third time I've had to ask you and if you do it again, I'm going to put the phone down. Do you understand that?
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: *hangs up*


Seriously. Kill yourself.

(no subject)

Okay, I had the most INSANE customer on the 'phone today. Seriously, even by the normal standards of fuckwittery that prevail among patrons of the House of Gas, this guy was a lunatic. Picture the scene: a bent and world-weary Froodle sits chained to her grimy workstation by the dreaded Headset of Pain. All around her, fellow phonemonkeys are slowly having their souls sucked out of them by the ever-lasting torment that is customer service. Her earpiece bleeps. Manfully suppressing the urge to scream "GO AWAY!" into the microphone and hit DISCONNECT, Froodle sits up straight, squares her shoulders, takes a deep breath, and releases the MUTE button.

Froodle: Good afternoon, welcome to My World of Pain, my name is Froodle, how can I help you today?
Fellow Monkey: Hi Froodle, this is Fellow Monkey from A Different Department of Pain.
Froodle: Oh hi Fellow Monkey, what can I do for you?
Fellow Monkey: Did your screen bring up an account for Mr Ultimate Fucktard?
Froodle: At 104 Moron Drive in Tardtown? Yeah, I did.
Fellow Monkey: Cool. Okay, he wants to talk about his electricity bills. And, um, I think I should warn you, he's not the nicest man.
Froodle: Oh God, why?
Fellow Monkey: Well, when I answered the phone and asked him for his reference number, he had a big rant at me for not knowing it. Then when I asked why he was calling, he just said "well why do you think?" and said that I didn't understand.
Froodle: Oh joy. Well, put him through, it's Froodle.
Fellow Monkey: Thanks. *transfers*
Froodle: Good afternoon Mr Ultimate Fucktard, thank you for waiting there, my name is Froodle, how can I help you?
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: *aggressive tone complemented by chavtastic South London accent* Right, I want you to answer my question. Right? It's a simple question, I've got these bills here and what does "debit" mean to you?
Froodle: Debit means money that you owe.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: *long pause* Right. Oh. Okay. Well, I've got nothing to say then.
Froodle: Okay, is there anything else I can help you with?
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: *getting his aggression on* Yeah, actually, you can tell me why I keep getting these bills. I mean, I get them, and then a month later I get another one.
Froodle: Okay Mr Ultimate Fucktard, I see on your electrity account you have had a couple of unscheduled bills. Normally you get four bills every year, once every three months. In your case, they're due in Febuary, May, August and November. We've sent you these along with your gas bill and the bills you've had in April and June were extras issued because you called up during those months, gave us a meter reading and asked how much you owe. So we've billed you to these readings.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Listen, right, you're not understanding me, right, why are you sending me these bills? You don't send me bills alright, I am a bad motherfucker!
Froodle: Mr Ultimate Fucktard, please don't use language like that to me. I have explained to you that you are getting these bills because you call with a reading and ask for an up to date statement of how much you owe.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Look, right, right, you seem like a lovely lass but I'm getting really aggro now, you're making me want to go out and twat some people, I'll be doing that later, I'll be taking it out on some stranger because I can't take it out on you!
Froodle: Mr Ultimate Fucktard, don't speak to me like that and don't threaten me with physical violence, it doesn't impress me and I will terminate the call.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Look, right, you're talking to me like I'm stupid and, let me tell you, I am smart! I'm a badass, me, and you know my wife? My wife, right, she's a doctor, and we're intelligant people but we like to act hard sometimes! I just want to know why you're sending me these bills, I don't want these bills!
Froodle: Mr Ultimate Fucktard, I've already told you, we're sending these bills because you call up and ask to be billed to date. Those two extra bills are ones that you have requested. We send you bills every three months anyway, if you don't want the extra bills, you don't need to call us with readings and ask for another bill.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Right, well I'm never giving your company a meter reading again, every time I give you a reading, you send me a bill! I just give you the readings so I can see if I'm up to date with what I owe!
Froodle: And you're not, which is why you get the bills. As I said, we'll send you one every quarter anyway, you don't need to call us with readings in-between the billing cycle.
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: Look, alright, you're sat there thinking I'm stupid, well I'm not stupid, you're stupid, you're stupider than I thought because you don't understand!
Froodle: No, Mr Ultimte Fucktard, you are the one who doesn't understand. I have explained to you repeatedly that if you give us a reading and ask for a statement of what you owe, you will get a statement showing what you owe and be expected to pay for it. Don't call me stupid again, this is the third time I've had to ask you and if you do it again, I'm going to put the phone down. Do you understand that?
Mr Ultimate Fucktard: *hangs up*


Seriously. Kill yourself.