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This was too good to keep to myself...
Messeurs Amy the wench, Izzy-chan and Miriglum present, for your amusement and pleasure:
The Angel vs vampire slayers handbags at dawn death-match
(although, technically, since vampires are *already* dead... )
It is important, though, we feel, to discuss a little why this game came about, and to apologise profusely for said incident of egotism and boredom. Chances are, you are a freind/stalkee of one of us three culprits. Thus you will know the pain of befreinding a fangirl. A deep and lingering pain. But, in any case, due to diverse circumstances (Amy living in America, thus having nobody sensible to talk to, Izzy losing her job, and Miriglum no longer being able to watch Angel), and a long, rambling conversation when we all should have been in bed (apart from Amy, and her ghey whore of a time zone) on Yahoo! messenger, the Angel-rific deathmatch has come into existance. Basic premise is, like our minds, both simple and disturbing - to prove our love of Angel, we pitch him agaist a series of other fictional charcters, and stand back to marvel at his God-like victory/anniliation. And since we have suffered, so must you - and anyone failing to make even a token effort will be sent to live in Canada/never spoken to again. So there. Simply read each deathmatch entry, taking into account the wonderous opinions of our good selves. Feel free to add comments to the strength/weakness and notes sections, then fill in the last section, drawing up an outline of the deathmatch and its conclusion. Remember, not all deathmatches have to be fought to the death. We have learned well from Angel's guidance, battling the green and icky-looking demons in the RING OF DEATH. Send back the email when you've filled in the deathmatches you can (although, like, don't feel you have to have *watched* a show to stick your oar in), and we fair three will contabulate all into an amusing Angel-rific whole. With pictures. ~nods~ And if we're still at this into the New Year, 'cause too many people decided to be lazy, and not reply, so be it. And there will be nagging. Oh, yes. So, without further ado (and hearing the merry jingling of Joss Whedon's crack lawyer brigade approaching ever-closer), enjoy the strangeness that is:
Slayers vs Angel
Slayer: Buffy
Occupation: Vampire Slayer, the. Strumpet.
Weapons: Vast supplies of wooden pointy things.
Strengths: Past experiance dealing with pesky vamps. Only has to set foot in LA to make Angel do his smacked-puppy-prominent-eyebrow face.
Weaknesses: Spectacular failure to do away with the loveable but blundering Spike indicates possible unlikelyhood of managing to defeat Angel. Only has to set foot in LA to be thrown into squished Woe!-Buffy-is-tormented-by-vampiric-ex face.
Notes: Well, none of us having ever really watched Buffy in a big way, Buffy's stats are mainly made up by us, and any resemblance to any actual vampire slayers, living or dead, is purely coincidental
Outcome:
Slayer: Vampire Hunter D
Occupation: Vampire/demon hunting in swishy cape. A man after Angel's own heart.
Weapons: None of us can actually remember. Possibly a very, very large sword.
Strengths: Cool hat. Can fall off almost anything and survive. 2dimensional, so can slide into small places to hide.
Weaknesses: Lack of Angel's chirpy side-kicks. Back-talking hand. Tendency to look like Lawrence Lwelynn-Bloody-Bowen in model-form
Notes: Human, with vampire blood - i.e. ridiculous vampire uber-stregthness, without all that pesky catching fire in daylight melarky
Outcome:
Slayer: Van Helsing
Occupation: Head fighting-wench of the vatican. Left hand of God.
Weapons: Deadly spinning-tops of doom
Strengths: Again, swishy coat/hat combo. Cute side-kick-a-mir Monk, complete with array of deadly anti-vampiric/explodey weapons.
Miriglum: Also, wasn't that Princess-type love interest a gypsy? [Ethnic slur, all people from eastern europe are gypsies] Possibly precipitive of an 'Angel boldly runs away' sort of situation.
Amy the wench: But he's not very *keen* of gypsies, is he? I mean, surely he'd be wanting revenge
Miriglum: Yes, but he's rather attached to that soul of his, isn't he? Like - entire point of series.
Weaknesses: Limited attention span causes poor brooding skills.
Notes: Can turn into a werewolf - potentially useless, unless Angel is as secretly as bloody-uselessy-vunerable to werewolves as Dracula.
Miriglum: Did I mention, Sam West should *totally* take part in this deathmatch? He has his own ship, *and* a, like, a shipful of angry Narnians. That *has* to come in handy.
Outcome:
Slayer: Bram Stoker's Ghey Leage of People Who Don't Like Dracula (BSGLOPWDLD)
Occupation: Being Victorian. Being Ghey. Being homo-erotic.
Weapons: 'Dr Van Hellsing's old-school patent vampire-slaying kit'.
Large hammer, 1
Wooden stakes (classic finish), several
Garlic, 6 of whatever the internationally agreed units of garlic measurement might happen to be
Crafty coffin-opening device, 1
Silver crusifix, 2
Handy lawyer, for rifling personal papers, gaining entrance to private property and lying to coroners about sudden deaths of 90% of secondary charecters.
Large guns, for dispatching pesky gypsies, 5
Strengths: Numbers significantly in their favour, even with Angel's full complement of minions.
Miriglum: But then, didn't Angel still not have a soul, back in the day? Plus, he had Darla (deadly killing hair) and Drusila (crazy weasel). Also, let's say Spike (pretty but useless) too, 'cause he's all shiny. In which case, they'd have all been like - bite, bite, bite - ugh, Dr Van Hellsing tastes funny - bite. Yum.
Amy the wench: No, I'm sure he was in his 'useless roaming Angel' stage.
Weaknesses: Largly too busy being Fraudian and worriting over their latent sexuality to put togeather much of deadly killing front.
Notes: Considering it took them an entire book to kill Dracula, who was, frankly, quite useless, can't see they have much chance agaist the super Angel.
Outcome:
Disclaimer: let it be recorded, we Amy the wench and Miriglum, had no part in the creation of the following deathmatch, knowing it to be wrong and disturbing, and the work of a twisted mind...
Slayer(s): Merry and Pippin
Occupation: Hobbit slayers of middle-earth.
Amy the wench: Yep. 'Cause they were just *over-run*, weren't they?!
Weapons: The One True Ring and/or the Horn of Gondor
Strengths: Small and cute. Experiance of questing. Some singing talent.
Weaknesses: Handy, snack-size vampire treats. Limited experiance slaying actual vampires. Would have to stand on each other's shoulders to stake Angel through heart.
Notes: Matching waistcoats may provide crucial assistance.
Outcome:
The Angel vs vampire slayers handbags at dawn death-match
(although, technically, since vampires are *already* dead... )
It is important, though, we feel, to discuss a little why this game came about, and to apologise profusely for said incident of egotism and boredom. Chances are, you are a freind/stalkee of one of us three culprits. Thus you will know the pain of befreinding a fangirl. A deep and lingering pain. But, in any case, due to diverse circumstances (Amy living in America, thus having nobody sensible to talk to, Izzy losing her job, and Miriglum no longer being able to watch Angel), and a long, rambling conversation when we all should have been in bed (apart from Amy, and her ghey whore of a time zone) on Yahoo! messenger, the Angel-rific deathmatch has come into existance. Basic premise is, like our minds, both simple and disturbing - to prove our love of Angel, we pitch him agaist a series of other fictional charcters, and stand back to marvel at his God-like victory/anniliation. And since we have suffered, so must you - and anyone failing to make even a token effort will be sent to live in Canada/never spoken to again. So there. Simply read each deathmatch entry, taking into account the wonderous opinions of our good selves. Feel free to add comments to the strength/weakness and notes sections, then fill in the last section, drawing up an outline of the deathmatch and its conclusion. Remember, not all deathmatches have to be fought to the death. We have learned well from Angel's guidance, battling the green and icky-looking demons in the RING OF DEATH. Send back the email when you've filled in the deathmatches you can (although, like, don't feel you have to have *watched* a show to stick your oar in), and we fair three will contabulate all into an amusing Angel-rific whole. With pictures. ~nods~ And if we're still at this into the New Year, 'cause too many people decided to be lazy, and not reply, so be it. And there will be nagging. Oh, yes. So, without further ado (and hearing the merry jingling of Joss Whedon's crack lawyer brigade approaching ever-closer), enjoy the strangeness that is:
Slayer: Buffy
Occupation: Vampire Slayer, the. Strumpet.
Weapons: Vast supplies of wooden pointy things.
Strengths: Past experiance dealing with pesky vamps. Only has to set foot in LA to make Angel do his smacked-puppy-prominent-eyebrow face.
Weaknesses: Spectacular failure to do away with the loveable but blundering Spike indicates possible unlikelyhood of managing to defeat Angel. Only has to set foot in LA to be thrown into squished Woe!-Buffy-is-tormented-by-vampiric-ex face.
Notes: Well, none of us having ever really watched Buffy in a big way, Buffy's stats are mainly made up by us, and any resemblance to any actual vampire slayers, living or dead, is purely coincidental
Outcome:
Slayer: Vampire Hunter D
Occupation: Vampire/demon hunting in swishy cape. A man after Angel's own heart.
Weapons: None of us can actually remember. Possibly a very, very large sword.
Strengths: Cool hat. Can fall off almost anything and survive. 2dimensional, so can slide into small places to hide.
Weaknesses: Lack of Angel's chirpy side-kicks. Back-talking hand. Tendency to look like Lawrence Lwelynn-Bloody-Bowen in model-form
Notes: Human, with vampire blood - i.e. ridiculous vampire uber-stregthness, without all that pesky catching fire in daylight melarky
Outcome:
Slayer: Van Helsing
Occupation: Head fighting-wench of the vatican. Left hand of God.
Weapons: Deadly spinning-tops of doom
Strengths: Again, swishy coat/hat combo. Cute side-kick-a-mir Monk, complete with array of deadly anti-vampiric/explodey weapons.
Miriglum: Also, wasn't that Princess-type love interest a gypsy? [Ethnic slur, all people from eastern europe are gypsies] Possibly precipitive of an 'Angel boldly runs away' sort of situation.
Amy the wench: But he's not very *keen* of gypsies, is he? I mean, surely he'd be wanting revenge
Miriglum: Yes, but he's rather attached to that soul of his, isn't he? Like - entire point of series.
Weaknesses: Limited attention span causes poor brooding skills.
Notes: Can turn into a werewolf - potentially useless, unless Angel is as secretly as bloody-uselessy-vunerable to werewolves as Dracula.
Miriglum: Did I mention, Sam West should *totally* take part in this deathmatch? He has his own ship, *and* a, like, a shipful of angry Narnians. That *has* to come in handy.
Outcome:
Slayer: Bram Stoker's Ghey Leage of People Who Don't Like Dracula (BSGLOPWDLD)
Occupation: Being Victorian. Being Ghey. Being homo-erotic.
Weapons: 'Dr Van Hellsing's old-school patent vampire-slaying kit'.
Large hammer, 1
Wooden stakes (classic finish), several
Garlic, 6 of whatever the internationally agreed units of garlic measurement might happen to be
Crafty coffin-opening device, 1
Silver crusifix, 2
Handy lawyer, for rifling personal papers, gaining entrance to private property and lying to coroners about sudden deaths of 90% of secondary charecters.
Large guns, for dispatching pesky gypsies, 5
Strengths: Numbers significantly in their favour, even with Angel's full complement of minions.
Miriglum: But then, didn't Angel still not have a soul, back in the day? Plus, he had Darla (deadly killing hair) and Drusila (crazy weasel). Also, let's say Spike (pretty but useless) too, 'cause he's all shiny. In which case, they'd have all been like - bite, bite, bite - ugh, Dr Van Hellsing tastes funny - bite. Yum.
Amy the wench: No, I'm sure he was in his 'useless roaming Angel' stage.
Weaknesses: Largly too busy being Fraudian and worriting over their latent sexuality to put togeather much of deadly killing front.
Notes: Considering it took them an entire book to kill Dracula, who was, frankly, quite useless, can't see they have much chance agaist the super Angel.
Outcome:
Disclaimer: let it be recorded, we Amy the wench and Miriglum, had no part in the creation of the following deathmatch, knowing it to be wrong and disturbing, and the work of a twisted mind...
Slayer(s): Merry and Pippin
Occupation: Hobbit slayers of middle-earth.
Amy the wench: Yep. 'Cause they were just *over-run*, weren't they?!
Weapons: The One True Ring and/or the Horn of Gondor
Strengths: Small and cute. Experiance of questing. Some singing talent.
Weaknesses: Handy, snack-size vampire treats. Limited experiance slaying actual vampires. Would have to stand on each other's shoulders to stake Angel through heart.
Notes: Matching waistcoats may provide crucial assistance.
Outcome:
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Slayer: Buffy
Occupation: Vampire Slayer, the. Strumpet.
Weapons: Vast supplies of wooden pointy things.
Strengths: Past experiance dealing with pesky vamps. Only has to set foot in LA to make Angel do his smacked-puppy-prominent-eyebrow face.
Weaknesses: Spectacular failure to do away with the loveable but blundering Spike indicates possible unlikelyhood of managing to defeat Angel. Only has to set foot in LA to be thrown into squished Woe!-Buffy-is-tormented-by-vampiric-ex face.
Notes: Well, none of us having ever really watched Buffy in a big way, Buffy's stats are mainly made up by us, and any resemblance to any actual vampire slayers, living or dead, is purely coincidental
Outcome: Mass whining on both sides, resulting in me throwing
things at the TV and telling them both to shut up. Lots of tears, sad music. Ends in Cordy telling our favourite blonde vampire Slayer to piss off back to Sunnydale. Angel mopes in the basement for a few
episodes while Wes/Gunn/Cordy/Doyle/Fred/Lorne/Spike have wacky misadventures.
Slayer: Vampire Hunter D
Occupation: Vampire/demon hunting in swishy cape. A man after Angel's own heart.
Weapons: None of us can actually remember. Possibly a very, very large sword.
Strengths: Cool hat. Can fall off almost anything and survive. 2dimensional, so can slide into small places to hide.
Weaknesses: Lack of Angel's chirpy side-kicks. Back-talking hand. Tendency to look like Lawrence Lwelynn-Bloody-Bowen in model-form
Notes: Human, with vampire blood - i.e. ridiculous vampire uber-stregthness, without all that pesky catching fire in daylight melarky
Outcome: Lindsey transfers his 'handsome brooding vampire' fetish onto D, who is profoundly disturbed and leaves LA that same night. Lindsey follows in his pick-up truck of unrequited love. Meanwhile, Lilah sits in her big ol' office o' Evil and laughs about how pathetic Lindsey is.
Angel and his Avengers go out for pizza.
Slayer: Van Helsing
Occupation: Head fighting-wench of the vatican. Left hand of God.
Weapons: Deadly spinning-tops of doom
Strengths: Again, swishy coat/hat combo. Cute side-kick-a-mir Monk, complete with array of deadly anti-vampiric/explodey weapons.
Miriglum: Also, wasn't that Princess-type love interest a gypsy? [Ethnic slur, all people from eastern europe are gypsies] Possibly precipitive of an 'Angel boldly runs away' sort of situation.
Amy the wench: But he's not very *keen* of gypsies, is he? I mean, surely he'd be wanting revenge
Miriglum: Yes, but he's rather attached to that soul of his, isn't he? Like - entire point of series.
Weaknesses: Limited attention span causes poor brooding skills.
Notes: Can turn into a werewolf - potentially useless, unless Angel is as secretly as bloody-uselessy-vunerable to werewolves as Dracula.
Miriglum: Did I mention, Sam West should *totally* take part in this deathmatch? He has his own ship, *and* a, like, a shipful of angry Narnians. That *has* to come in handy.
Outcome: Fred and Sidekickimir technobabble extensively, then
Wesley's robot dad attacks with his army of ninja robot Watchers from England and kills them both. Everyone is pretty sad about Carl, but they get over it since at least now they don't have to listen to
Fred ever again. Harmony and Van Helsing get into a big hair-pulling fight that ends in a draw. Threats of vengance are made, then Angel loses his temper and kills Helsingwolf with a silver pen. Gypsy princess eaten by Darla. Spike bitches.
[continues in next post]
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Occupation: Being Victorian. Being Ghey. Being homo-erotic.
Weapons: 'Dr Van Hellsing's old-school patent vampire-slaying kit'.
Large hammer, 1
Wooden stakes (classic finish), several
Garlic, 6 of whatever the internationally agreed units of garlic measurement might happen to be
Crafty coffin-opening device, 1
Silver crusifix, 2
Handy lawyer, for rifling personal papers, gaining entrance to private property and lying to coroners about sudden deaths of 90% of secondary charecters.
Large guns, for dispatching pesky gypsies, 5
Strengths: Numbers significantly in their favour, even with Angel's full complement of minions.
Miriglum: But then, didn't Angel still not have a soul, back in the day? Plus, he had Darla (deadly killing hair) and Drusila (crazy weasel). Also, let's say Spike (pretty but useless) too, 'cause he's all shiny. In which case, they'd have all been like - bite, bite, bite - ugh, Dr Van Hellsing tastes funny - bite. Yum.
Amy the wench: No, I'm sure he was in his 'useless roaming Angel' stage.
Weaknesses: Largly too busy being Fraudian and worriting over their latent sexuality to put togeather much of deadly killing front.
Notes: Considering it took them an entire book to kill Dracula, who was, frankly, quite useless, can't see they have much chance agaist the super Angel.
Outcome: Angel feeds them all to Ninawolf, who turns out to be
European-intolerent and gets food poisoning and dies. Cordy sells off individual pieces of BSGLOPWDLD's anti-vampire kit to disaffected vampire-worshipping Goth kids. The proceeds go into Connor's college fund.
Disclaimer: let it be recorded, we Amy the wench and Miriglum, had no part in the creation of the following deathmatch, knowing it to be wrong and disturbing, and the work of a twisted mind...
Slayer(s): Merry and Pippin
Occupation: Hobbit slayers of middle-earth.
Amy the wench: Yep. 'Cause they were just *over-run*, weren't they?!
Weapons: The One True Ring and/or the Horn of Gondor
Strengths: Small and cute. Experiance of questing. Some singing talent.
Weaknesses: Handy, snack-size vampire treats. Limited experiance slaying actual vampires. Would have to stand on each other's shoulders to stake Angel through heart.
Notes: Matching waistcoats may provide crucial assistance.
Outcome: Their overwhelming cuteness means that Angel and company just can't bring themselves to hurt them. Merry and Pippin end up joining the ranks of Gunn's "crew" and they and all their hobbit homies take on the task of keeping the dodgier areas of LA safe for drug dealers and street walkers while Angel is otherwise occupied brooding/kicking doors/shagging Spike.
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Slayer: Buffy
Occupation: Vampire Slayer, the. Strumpet.
Weapons: Vast supplies of wooden pointy things.
Strengths: Past experiance dealing with pesky vamps. Only has to set foot in LA to make Angel do his smacked-puppy-prominent-eyebrow face.
Weaknesses: Spectacular failure to do away with the loveable but blundering Spike indicates possible unlikelyhood of managing to defeat Angel. Only has to set foot in LA to be thrown into squished Woe!-Buffy-is-tormented-by-vampiric-ex face.
Notes: Well, none of us having ever really watched Buffy in a big way, Buffy's stats are mainly made up by us, and any resemblance to any actual vampire slayers, living or dead, is purely coincidental
Outcome: buffy would win. cause angel's all like. "i love you, i have since you were 15. and although then it was just a pervesion for your outrageous trousers, its something more now. Sex. heterosexual Sex. sex that isnt with doyle. or cordy, or gunn. or that fucking robot. sex that isnt.. well.. technically connor is male...." but angel might win, i.e. if he rolled over in bed or some sort of accident.
Slayer: Vampire Hunter D
Occupation: Vampire/demon hunting in swishy cape. A man after Angel's own heart.
Weapons: None of us can actually remember. Possibly a very, very large sword.
Strengths: Cool hat. Can fall off almost anything and survive. 2dimensional, so can slide into small places to hide.
Weaknesses: Lack of Angel's chirpy side-kicks. Back-talking hand. Tendency to look like Lawrence Lwelynn-Bloody-Bowen in model-form
Notes: Human, with vampire blood - i.e. ridiculous vampire uber-stregthness, without all that pesky catching fire in daylight melarky
Outcome: cool hat? D wins. obviously. if angel fell on him from any height then it would be fatal but otherwise.
angel is a puppet.
Slayer: Van Helsing
Occupation: Head fighting-wench of the vatican. Left hand of God.
Weapons: Deadly spinning-tops of doom
Strengths: Again, swishy coat/hat combo. Cute side-kick-a-mir Monk, complete with array of deadly anti-vampiric/explodey weapons.
Miriglum: Also, wasn't that Princess-type love interest a gypsy? [Ethnic slur, all people from eastern europe are gypsies] Possibly precipitive of an 'Angel boldly runs away' sort of situation.
Amy the wench: But he's not very *keen* of gypsies, is he? I mean, surely he'd be wanting revenge
Miriglum: Yes, but he's rather attached to that soul of his, isn't he? Like - entire point of series.
Weaknesses: Limited attention span causes poor brooding skills.
Notes: Can turn into a werewolf - potentially useless, unless Angel is as secretly as bloody-uselessy-vunerable to werewolves as Dracula.
Miriglum: Did I mention, Sam West should *totally* take part in this deathmatch? He has his own ship, *and* a, like, a shipful of angry Narnians. That *has* to come in handy.
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Slayer: Bram Stoker's Ghey Leage of People Who Don't Like Dracula (BSGLOPWDLD)
Occupation: Being Victorian. Being Ghey. Being homo-erotic.
Weapons: 'Dr Van Hellsing's old-school patent vampire-slaying kit'.
Large hammer, 1
Wooden stakes (classic finish), several
Garlic, 6 of whatever the internationally agreed units of garlic measurement might happen to be
Crafty coffin-opening device, 1
Silver crusifix, 2
Handy lawyer, for rifling personal papers, gaining entrance to private property and lying to coroners about sudden deaths of 90% of secondary charecters.
Large guns, for dispatching pesky gypsies, 5
Strengths: Numbers significantly in their favour, even with Angel's full complement of minions.
Miriglum: But then, didn't Angel still not have a soul, back in the day? Plus, he had Darla (deadly killing hair) and Drusila (crazy weasel). Also, let's say Spike (pretty but useless) too, 'cause he's all shiny. In which case, they'd have all been like - bite, bite, bite - ugh, Dr Van Hellsing tastes funny - bite. Yum.
Amy the wench: No, I'm sure he was in his 'useless roaming Angel' stage.
Weaknesses: Largly too busy being Fraudian and worriting over their latent sexuality to put togeather much of deadly killing front.
Notes: Considering it took them an entire book to kill Dracula, who was, frankly, quite useless, can't see they have much chance agaist the super Angel.
Outcome: what!?
Disclaimer: let it be recorded, we Amy the wench and Miriglum, had no part in the creation of the following deathmatch, knowing it to be wrong and disturbing, and the work of a twisted mind...
Slayer(s): Merry and Pippin
Occupation: Hobbit slayers of middle-earth.
Amy the wench: Yep. 'Cause they were just *over-run*, weren't they?!
Weapons: The One True Ring and/or the Horn of Gondor
Strengths: Small and cute. Experiance of questing. Some singing talent.
Weaknesses: Handy, snack-size vampire treats. Limited experiance slaying actual vampires. Would have to stand on each other's shoulders to stake Angel through heart.
Notes: Matching waistcoats may provide crucial assistance.
Outcome: merrynpip would take him to the green dragon. it'd be fun. (room: pre booked)
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