Today was a bad day
Since what happened
, I've been... messed up. I feel afraid the majority of time, outside of work too but especially in the office.
To get to the toilets or to the kitchen or even to get out, I have to walk past my supervisors wide-windowed office and pull open an old fashioned fire door. This involves turning my back directly to him, and it makes my skin crawl to think he's looking at my back and legs and ass, at the way I hipcheck the door if my hands are full or the sway of my skirt if I'm in a hurry and moving fast.
So I don't leave my desk except at lunch, ever. I don't get a drink, or use the loo, or do anything except sit in the corner and try to hide behind my monitor whenever he or the finance manager comes in.
Because of how nebulous the "the way you look is unacceptable and you should know this" talk went, and the lack of specific guidance even after I asked for it, repeatedly, I still don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
The fact that I'm seeing people in the office in leggings and palazzo pants, belted tunic dress and cold shoulder tops and sundresses with bare legs and open toed shoes, makes it even harder. I see people shorter than me wearing midthigh dresses with nobody batting an eyelid.
And the reference to my breast size and the fact that my skirt length essentially boils down to the length of my legs, given that even at six foot mine come well below my mid-thigh, all just makes me think this is personal, and cruel, and I feel deliberately targeted.
And because I don't know what to change about how I dress, and because I can't change my height or my figure, I've basically been trying to protect myself by being The Best Worker Ever, the fastest, the most productive, the helpfulest and most accurate.
And for a start I know that doesnt work, because I was the best on a scale where it took three people, a private office and a dedicated team supervisor to replace me when I left my old role
, and I left specifically because I was being bullied, by that self-same finance manager, only back then the problem was my performance, not my looks.
And secondly, i cant be the best on my current team because I have the least amount of experience of the four people in that role, because I'm terrified, and because the medication I now take to stop being a trembling nervous wreck at work makes me slower than my normal working speed.
And I sit there and I slog through my work and I watch as the others tick their way through various checklists and task sheets and they ask if I need help and I say no, thank you, everything is fine and under control and actually how about I take on some of your stuff because its so totally fine, because I don't want to look weak or useless or like im dragging the team down, even though I'm drowning, because I'm already that big-titted fuckhead who cant even dress herself so why make myself more of a useless dead weight?
And even that isn't true, because my actual work is done by the time we leave for the day, it's just that theirs is done sooner, but at four oclock I see all their ticks and none of mine and I feel sick inside.
Today at five I was updating some of the boards, ready for tomorrow, maybe two minutes work to go before I was done. The other two were packed up and had headed for the door, and stopped to ask if I was okay and did I need a hand.
And I didnt, I just had a handful of figures to write up, but I was suddenly terrified of being alone in that office, knowing that our creepy supervisor was next door. And I wanted to say, no, please stay, please dont leave me here by myself, I am so afraid.
And I said no, its fine, ill be along in a minute, have a great weekend, because if I had said that it would have been real, it would be out there in a way i couldnt take back, i would be that woman who was scared to be alone for two fucking minutes in a brightly lit office building, who needed her hand holding because her skirts are too short and her boobs are too big and I would be her forever, and I couldnt fucking take that on top of everything else.
So, yeah. Today was a bad day.