Oh dudes, I couldn't even watch the last couple of minutes of Game of Thrones tonight - as soon as Ronan started melting down his blingage, I knew something horrible was coming, so I covered my ears and shut my eyes and basically waited until the screaming stopped and I heard the end-credits theme start playing.

Was it totally gross? Is he alive? I have this phobia of shit happening to people's faces - I've seen and read Watchmen dozens of times and always looked away or skipped the page where Rorschach pours chip fat on that prisoner. I nearly fainted during the Avatar episode with Ko the Face Stealer and again during the Doctor Who episode with the thing in the telly that sucked people's faces away. Can someone who's read the books please warn me if I'm going to have to deal with face-meltage next week?

Dudes, I just got back from seeing Red Riding Hood, and oh my God, it sucked a giant donkey schlong all over the place.

The heroine was like... okay, imagine if Scarlett Johansen was in a terrible accident, languished in a coma for years so that most of her looks wasted away, then woke up with massive brain damage and thusly was convinced to star in this piece of shit. Oh, she was awful, I would say she simpered but frankly I suspect such a thing was beyond this appalling actress whose name I cannot be bothered to look up.

Gary Oldman was fucking shameful - chewing so much scenery I'm surprised there was enough of a set remaining to shoot this poor excuse for a film on. I think someone should just euthanize Gary Oldman at this point - every time he's in a movie he embarrasses humanity with his failure.

The main love interest guy was the lovechild of Edward Cullen and Joaquin Phoenix, and I totally don't mean that as a good thing. I mean he was pasty, had a cubeshaped head and a face that was totally flat when seen in profile, had a stupid froofy haircut and thinks that sneering is an appropriate substitute for being able to portray emotion.

The lame CGI wolf was totally lame - it looked like a snaggle-toothed housecat. In fact, it looked exactly like my brother's cat, Tazzy, who is not scary at all and drools when he purrs.

Daniel Jackson and Colonel Tigh were in it too - Daniel Jackson was trying to be manly and failing, and Tigh was being drunk and yelling at dudes, which in fairness he did quite well, but it's not exactly new territory for him.

There were some gingers who Gary Oldman thought were the werewolves, but OBVIOUSLY they turned out not to be because gingers do not have souls and according to Gary Oldman, you need to give up your soul to become a werewolf. See that, Gary Oldman? I'm better at finding werewolves than you just from using your own logic. What a tardbeast.

Oh, also there was some fucking stupid medieval orgy thing involving Three Little Piggy masks and basically the whole thing sucked from start to finish.

Lukas Haas was in it, and he was really very good, as much as he could be with the weight of everyone elses retardation dragging him down, but it made me sad for him because he deserved to be in some other, better film with people who could act.

I'm going to go watch Trick r Treat now and be a little bit in love with Anna Paquin. Laurie would fuck all those villagers and CGI Tazwolves up if she had the chance. You should all probably watch Trick r Treat too, then we can all be in love with Anna Paquin together.

I AM ALIVE! If you imagined me saying that in the voice of Sarah from Hocus Pocus, you are exactly right, except I am not wearing quite such a cleavage-enhancing outfit at this moment.

Long story short, back in January, I apparently made God super angry with me and as a result he punished me by giving me a new cuntface of a manager and a hideous Bernard Manning/Sloth/Cave Troll hybrid agent in the same week, and then my laptop broke a little bit but I was already really tense and impatient so I Hulksmashed it into a wall and then it was somewhat more than a little bit broken and by then I had become addicted to freebase crack in order to deal with Cuntrag and Bernard so all my spare money went on that rather than getting a new laptop BUT! Now I have a new manager and a team of mostly-humans and so I have cleaned myself up and YAY INTARNETS!

By the way, some of that last paragraph was totally a lie, but unfortunately the bit about a coworker who resembles the lovechild of Bernard Manning, Sloth and the Cave Troll from the first Lord of the Rings movie is factually accurate. I didn't actually become a junkie, but only because I don't know where to get drugs from.

ANYWAY! Oh my God dudes, I just watched the last season of Heroes and it almost half-way did not suck. I estimate that I was not actively annoyed for at least 60% of the time. Also, Sylar would be fine if he just concentrated on being bitchy instead of trying and failing to be a badass killer dude. Adam Monroe completely needs to be some kind of crime-fightin' lawyer guy with an insane hatred of Quantum Leap. I would totally watch that. Maybe he can joined Major Lorne in the world of "Bones crossovers that are not real but totally should be". I think an Adam Monroe/Hodgins snark-off would make the world a million times better.

Hmm, what else... oh, the Vampire Diaries is pretty lame. Stern Hot History Teacher (formerly known as The Guy From Tigerland That Isn't Colin Farrell) is hot and stern, and Damon is fun in a super low-budget version of Angelus kind of way. Everyone else is retarded though.

I have not seen the Lost Boys 3 yet - I bet it is beautiful though. Nobody tell me different, okay? Also, Colin Farrell is going to be a vampire in a Fright Night remake next year and his enemy is going to be Jailbait Checkov from the new Star Trek movie - that does not seem like a fair fight to me. It's like pitting Micheal Jackson against Darth Vader.

That's pretty much it - as you can all see, I didn't go away and develop any kind of life while I was interwebsless. In fact, I pretty much just watched more TV and movies and thought about what kind of TV and movies I would like to see in the future. In case you were wondering, they still mostly involve Daddy Winchester, Colin Farrell, or werewolves. Or some combination thereof.

Oh, except also now I want a show in which Shatner and Tori Spelling fight crime in space, and The Dave is the main villian. Every episode will either end with Shatner waving his fists in the air and yelling "THE DAAAAAAAVEEEEE!" or a close-up shot of The Dave's evilly shifting eyes with an ominous music track playing in the background. I haven't put any werewolves or Daddy Winchesters in there yet. I don't think Daddy Winchester and The Dave would approve of each other. I just feel it in my soul.

Well dudes, I am writing this on a windy Sunday morning, sitting on a penthouse balcony overlooking all of Leeds and fighting the urge - no doubt caused by having watched the Goonies at a tender age - to make puking noises and then pour some gross shit over the people walking below me.

The Family von Froodle has descended upon Yorkshire and rather than make an ill-advised attempt to cram more than one person and three rabbits into my homey hovel, we have rented a top-floor apartment in the Chambers in Park Place.

And dudes, it is epic. When you walk in, the foyer is all marblelicious and there's "tasteful" displays of modern art in all the alcoves (note: these are not alcoves suitable for hidin' when employed in the killin' of dudes, these are alcoves for the tasteful displayin' of tasteful modern art) and there's a twenty-four hour concierge service and, dudes, if you want a DVD or some groceries or whatever, you just ring down to reception and they go and get it for you! How awesome is that!

And the apartment itself is even more awesome - it's got floor to ceiling windows on all the outside walls, and a balcony that runs all the way around and has blue spotlights in the floor that you can turn on at night, and sliding doors in each room that open on to the balcony and one of those jzacuzzi-baths and hardwood floors and lights in the wardrobe that come on when you open the door and a TV in the bathroom.

And oh, my God, the TVs! They are so big, I think they are giving me AIDS. AIDS causes you to want to steal stuff, right? I was watching SGA last night (on DVD, but it was my DVD that I brought with me, not a DVD I randomly made the reception dude run out and get for me because that would make me feel uncomfortable and jerklike) and, okay, Joe Flannigan and Major Lorne are beautiful even on my small old-school piece of shit TV, but in 40-inch hi-def with surround sound, their combined beauty is enough to melt your face.

I always make fun of James for working ridiculously long hours, figuring that nothing could make a seventy-hour week worthwhile, but when I see this place, how some people live, I can understand it a little bit better. Don't get me wrong, my character flaws are such that I am a lot more lazy than I am materialistic, but I do get it a bit now.

Anyway, we went to see Dreamboats and Petticoats on Friday and it was marvellous - it's about this dude who enters a song-writing competition, and his writing partner is in love with him, only he is in love with this slutty hot chick, who is in love with this slutty hot guy who, and this is the most important thing, was played by a total bargin basement Jensen Ackles. And it was all set in the fifties and there were awesome old-school rock and roll songs and those beautiful circle dresses and it was made of win. And! Nobody even died or exploded or shot some dudes, and I still loved it, so that should tell you how great it was.

Anyway, Mama Froodle just got out of the shower so I'm going to put the laptop aside and go see what the plan is for the rest of the day. Later days!

Dudes, is it just me or is every Ronan-centric episode of SGA exactly the same?

• Some Wraith come.
  
• Ronan hates the Wraith.
  
• Ronan cries about his dead gay planet.
  
• Ronan works out his angst by shooting a lot of things.

I mean, I guess he is slightly less of a one-note character than Ford eventually became ("RARR! I EAT WRAITH JUICE! RARR! YOU ALL HATE ME! RARR! NOW LET'S GO AHEAD WITH OPERATION: REALLY STUPID PLAN!") and he's not, you know, unfun to look at, but seriously Ronan, do something other than whine about your stupid planet!

Of course, it's cancelled now so he will never have the chance. Oh well. Maybe in the inevitable movie sequel Ronan will have an exciting new obsession that doesn't revolve around avenging Sateda or crying because his mates are little Wraith bitches now.

So, I'm watching Stargate: Atlantis and seriously, how awesome would it be to be a Wraith? Think about it; your entire life consists of flying around in space, eating people and molesting innocent Sheppards, indispersed with centuries-long naps. Also, I bet human life force has like, almost zero fat and carbs, so you never have to worry about getting too chunky for your spiffy leather duds.

I think the only downside of it would be that a lot of them are obviously a bit vain - I mean, okay, they say they're sleeping for years at a time, but really, does anyone actually get up with hair like that? My worry is that the time they claim to spend in hibernation is really spent obsessively straightening their hair in preparation for the next big Cullapalooza, and as some of you know, I am not that great on the concept of haircare.

Having said that, though, you do get the ones with dreadlocks, who tend to be a bit harder than the Zombie Legolas wannabes - maybe the rule is that if you're busy fighting a war or terrorizing the population of Atlantis or just, you know, having a bit of a rough millenia being stuck in Genii prison or stranded on some craphole planet, the Wraith Fashionistas lay off if your hair gets a bit matted. I could totally deal with that - I am way more comfortable with the concept of killing people horribly than I am with holding heated bits of ceramic near my face.

God, being human sucks. I want to go out and eat a bunch of people right now.

Do you guys know why the 4400 is better than pretty much every sci-fi/fantasy/horror show ever? It's not because it has Billy Campbell bringing heaven to earth (if the suckfest that was Shark proved anything, it is that not even Billy Campbell can rescue a show that is otherwise dire) or because there's a character whose ability is the power to make shockingly poor B-movie conspiracy thrillers, or even because Joel Gresch is a marvellous actor who really hasn't been given the praise he deserves in previous posts because I'm shallow and would rather talk about how beautiful and earnest his character is. No, the 4400 is better than it's peers because it has never, ever had an episode about bugs.

I hate bugs. I would rather face hoardes of ravening zombies in a nuclear wasteland than see some bugs. And that sucks because, from Buffy to the X-Files via Smallville and Stargate and Supernatural, in every sci-fi-ish show in the whole history of recorded time, there's always an episode about bugs somewhere. Even Heroes did it with that whole Mohinderspider thing - and really, way to take a character whose only positive attribute is his pretty face - not to mention, one of only a few really attractive actors left by that point - and totally wreck it for everyone. Stupid Mohinder. Stupid show.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I just finished watching Fear Itself, and I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with anyone's arachnophobia coming to glaring CGI life on my TV screen that I forgot about the bit at the start where the dude gets attacked by clowns. And now I'm having a total "can't sleep, clown will eat me" moment and I'm trying to distract myself and it's totally not working.

Damn it. I am going to make a hot chocolate and then sit up working on my Marked!Jordan/Shawn smutfic and try not to think about clowns with mouths full of yellowed, needle-sharp teeth and long, jagged fingernails tearing at my flesh OH GOD!

Not that you guys should really need any encouragement to watch the 4400 beyond Jordan's beard, but as I am watching the episode in question, I would like to point out that there is a 4400 whose ability is, I kid you not, the ability to bring MANLY VIOLENCE on a massive scale. I'm totally serious, there was Tom and Major Lorne and handcuffing and pistol-whipping galore. It was glorious, dudes!

TJ should take herself over to Numb3rs and spend some time around Don and David this season. And Colby. I don't think I've ever seen Colby pistol-whip someone. Tch, Colby. Way to let the side down.

Profit arrived last week. Oh my fucking God! It's like somebody sat down and thought, "Hmm, let's design a show specifically to appeal to Froodles. What do Froodles like? Nakedness, killin's, Nathan Petrelli - I HAVE IT!" Seriously dudes, this is what Mad Men would be like if Don was actually a sociopath rather than just kind of a dick. And did I mention, there is so much naked Nathan Petrelli!

Starting immediately, 2009 will be known as the Year of The Pasdar. Anyone caught not celebrating the Year of The Pasdar will be doomed to spend the next 360 days in Hell, which is a small room covered in pictures of Zefron fondling his nipples while a tape of Jade Goody talking plays on an endless loop and there's nothing you can use to take your own life and end the pain.

Of course, since he hasn't been in much besides Heroes and Profit and that one really random movie with the cowboy vampires (no, I'm not making this up), it may be necessary to Pasdarize some other shows in order to have enough entertainment to last the whole year. Suggestions so far:

• Nathan: the Vampire Slayer
  
• Battlestar Pasdarica
  
• Stargate: SG Pasdar
  
• Pasdar Atlantis
  
• Pastrek
  
• Pasdarville
  
• A Town Called Pasdar
  
• Revolutionary Girl Pasdar
  
• 30 Pasdar

On a related note, I saw the season finale of Heroes when I was home over Christmas and Sylar is such a goon! He's totally fallen into the trap of having plans that are too complicated to actually work - I'm not going to go into too many details here because I can't be bothered to look up the cut tag, but I swear he spent five minutes gloating to Mr Bennett about whatever the fuck his evil plan was. And Mr Bennet looked bored. Whatever, Sylar. I liked you better when you just ate brains and stalked Mohinder.

Whelp, I have food poisoning. At least, I hope it's food poisoning and not a stomach virus, because El Snithador is visiting this weekend and I feel Downeyfest will be somewhat lacking if I am lying on the sofa bemoaning my state of unwellness the whole time, and food poisoning usually passes in 48 hours whereas a stomach virus will kick my ass for much longer. Although at least if she does carry out her threat to subject me to the hideous evil that is Zac Efron, I'm already puking and wanting to die, so it will not hurt me as much as it would otherwise.

Anyway, I'm off work, I'm bored, I'm exhausted, I'm cranky and I'm in that place where you're starving but the texture of food in your mouth makes you want to start hurling again, ao to cheer myself up, I thought I would look at some pictures of Jordan and his beard of wonder. And then, because I am so generous of nature, I thought I should come on here and share them with you. And then I thought, "Why stop at Jordanbeard? This is the perfect opportunity to win people over to the cause of the 4400, and possibly trick them into writing porn for you as a get-well gift."

And so, without further ado, I present to you:

The 4400: A Brief Introduction

This is TOM BALDWIN. A long time ago he was a super-badass FBI dude. He was so badass that when his FBI boss took a job at NTAC, he insisted on bringing Tom with him. Then his son KYLE and his nephew SHAWN went to a beach to drink some BEERS. Shawn vanished, Kyle fell into a COMA and Tom took an extended leave of absense to try and solve the TERRIBLE TRAGEDY that had BEFALLEN HIS FAMILY. Tom is very EARNEST and BEAUTIFUL while being MANLY and FORCEFUL at the same time. We love Tom.

This is DIANA SKOURIS. She is TOM'S PARTNER AT NTAC. She likes SCIENCE. She's pretty COOL but she doesn't have a BEARD, so I won't talk about her much.

This is MARCO. He lives in the basement at NTAC. Nobody on the show seems to have a problem with this. He and two randoms that I can't be bothered to find the names of are Tom and Diana's version of the LONE GUNMEN. Marco is in love with DIANA. Unfortunately he looks like a thirteen year old emo kid, so Diana cannot be with him without feeling like a CHILD MOLESTER. That wouldn't bother me, but Diana is a lady of PRINCIPLE so unfortunately their LOVE is DOOMED at least until MARCO hits PUBERTY. Poor MARCO.

This is SHAWN. He is TOM's nephew and one of the 4400. He went missing THREE YEARS AGO and suddenly reappears in a GIANT BALL OF LIGHT. He can HEAL THINGS WITH HIS HANDS. He can also KILL YOUR BITCHASS DEAD if he wants, but he hardly ever does. In the second season, he becomes Jordan's NUMBER ONE BOY WENCH, but after Jordan DUMPS HIM FOR KYLE he becomes very BITTER and ANGRY.

I cannot blame him, as Kyle is FUCKING UGLY and Shawn is BEAUTIFUL.

This is JORDAN. He is BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS. He has a MAGNIFICENT BEARD and may or may not be JEBUS CHRIST. When he is not SAVING MANKIND, he enjoys BREAKING UP MARRIAGES, SEDUCING UNDERAGE BOYS, conquering SEATTLE and BANGING SKANKY ACTRESS HOS. At the end of the series, TOM tries to encourage him to get back together with SHAWN. I thought that was sweet, until I realised he's probably just trying to get Jordan away from KYLE.

This is ISABELLE. She is FUCKING CRAZY and the HARBINGER of the APOCALYPSE. She was engaged to SHAWN, but he broke it off when JORDAN came BACK FROM THE DEAD. She was VERY CROSS and put him in a COMA. Then she took up with KYLE. That was pretty trashy on BOTH THEIR PARTS, I feel.

This is KYLE. He is FUCKING UGLY. Nobody cares about him.

This is TESS. She is MADE FROM CRAZY. Also she can KILL YOU WITH HER BRAIN. It's nice to see Summer Glau apply herself to such a wide and stretching variety of roles.

This is KEVIN. He is WONDERFUL. He is a CRANKY SCIENTIST. He likes SUNFLOWER SEEDS and DOING ILL-ADVISED EXPERIMENTS on himself and others. He is also the only one who really sees how full of crap JORDAN is. JORDAN gets very cross about this, but he can't do anything because Kevin has SUPER HEALING POWERS. Also he is FAR TOO AWESOME AT SCIENCE to be easily replaced.

This is MAJOR LORNE. For some reason he calls himself JED GARRITY in this show, but that is probably because he is a SPY or SOMETHING ELSE COOL. He doesn't really serve any purpose on this list, I just added him because I thought this picture was PRETTY.